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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be extremely pissed off with my midwife

178 replies

Random1999 · 17/09/2014 22:34

basically I asked for an extra appt with my midwife to discuss somethings I had on my mind (in particular if my pregnancy is high risk, due to the fact I'm only 15, where I can give birth as im 19 miles from any hospital that has a labor ward, if homebirthing is an option etc) we then got onto the subject of breast feeding and life in the first few days after birth. these were some comments she made.
"you wont breast feed because you are too young" "it would be stupid to try to breast feed you will most likely get post natal depression and it would make you suicidal with the extra pressure as opposed to if you bottlefed" "You shouldnt even try to breast feed it doesnt matter what you want its about whats best for baby" as a whole im very annoyed, frustrated, a bit angry and quite insecure now :( Am i being sensitive or is she just a dick? IMO shes unprofessional at best.

OP posts:
littlejohnnydory · 17/09/2014 22:38

Time for a formal complaint and a change of midwife?

mrsmaturin · 17/09/2014 22:39

I don't think she's unprofessional. Quite the opposite - I think what you got there was the benefit of her professional experience and knowledge. It IS hard for any mum to start and maintain breastfeeding. For a very young mum, which is what you are describing yourself as, it's doubly hard. I think she was trying to show you that you don't HAVE to breastfeed. If you want to, then go for it. Nobody's stopping you buut nobody's going to guilt you in to it either.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/09/2014 22:40

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Coughle · 17/09/2014 22:41

Very unprofessional and needs to be reported. Can you contact her manager? You sound very together and sensible.

There's no reason why breastfeeding wouldn't work for you. Age has nothing to do with it.

Original poster
Random1999 · 17/09/2014 22:42

No but surely telling me im stupid isn't right??WW what do you mean, as in did this really happen? Yes, yes it did

OP posts:
concernedaboutheboy · 17/09/2014 22:42

She sounds like she is being incredibly patronising. BF is not always difficult. Some people find it easier than the faff of making up bottles. Can be gruelling at first tho so forewarned and all that....

AlerieVelaryon · 17/09/2014 22:42

Whatever your age you should have a choice on how to feed.

Ask for PALS to help you (patient advice and liaison). I think you need to see a different midwife, I think some specialise in working with younger parents.

I saw another of your threads and realise your mum might not be the usual ally that you would expect. Perhaps someone could come with you to antenatal appointments.

redcaryellowcar · 17/09/2014 22:43

i think you should feed your baby in the best way that suits both of you. if you want advice on breast feeding seek it out elsewhere.

Coughle · 17/09/2014 22:43

Mrsmaturin, that is simply not true. Breastfeeding is easy for some mums and hard for others.

Original poster
Random1999 · 17/09/2014 22:43

its not what she said regarding breast feeding its not like im desperate to although id like to give it ago for at least the first day or so (Even then ill have a tin of SMA as back up in case), its the fact she called me stupid and made me worry about developing post natal depression thats upset me

OP posts:
shareacokewithnoone · 17/09/2014 22:43

mrs are you kidding? Shock

OP, congratulations on your pregnancy. I imagine this is a really difficult time for you but PLEASE take heart. I know a gorgeous lady who is 22 and a brilliant mum to her 7 year old DD. It's been hard for her, very hard, but when I say she's a brilliant mum, I don't mean 'brilliant mum seeing as she was so y oung' I just mean 'brilliant mum.'

I would DEFINITELY kick up a fuss!

I also believe you CAN breast feed - my friend did. Of course you might not want to and that's fine too but good on you for trying and I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly Flowers

todayisnottheday · 17/09/2014 22:44

You're 15? You sound extremely together and well informed. Sadly your mw doesn't! I think you need to write to her superior (who that is depends on where you saw her) set out factually what was said without paraphrasing and request that you are assigned a new mw who is prepared to respect and embrace your maternal choices. It doesn't matter how old you are, you are pregnant. Therefore you deserve exactly the same respect and service as anyone else who is pregnant.

Keep calm and stick to your guns. Be reasonable but insistent.

AnotherStitchInTime · 17/09/2014 22:45

Speak to the supervisor of midwives. You will find their contact details under the Maternity Department page of the hospitals website. Failing that complain via PALS. She is bang out of order. Yes breastfeeding can be hard, but not always and age has nothing to do with it. You need supportive care from a different midwife.

Original poster
Random1999 · 17/09/2014 22:46

I dont want to start a discussion about breastfeeding and how difficult that is (no offence) its not what it was about that upset me as much its the fact she called me stupid and sounded like she was lecturing me, we were TALKING about breast feeding i did not ask for advice (i wouldve if she didnt jump down my throat), i was asking for advice regarding the earlier points

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 17/09/2014 22:46

at a young age breastfeeding cam take a huge toll on your body but what she should be saying is "don't feel pressured you need to do what is best for both you amd the baby"

I would contact the senior midwife and request a new one and explain that you do not feel supported. (congratulations on your pregnancy)

I would have expected that response from my midwife when I had dd as I have a long history of anxiety and depression and the fear of being ill and or developing post natal depression were key factors in not breastfeeding (taken out of my hands eventually due to high risk meds) however it was my choice and at no point did my midwife ever make any allusions to my illness

capsium · 17/09/2014 22:46

It IS hard for any mum to start and maintain breastfeeding. For a very young mum, which is what you are describing yourself as, it's doubly hard. I think she was trying to show you that you don't HAVE to breastfeed. If you want to, then go for it. Nobody's stopping you buut nobody's going to guilt you in to it either.

I found breast feeding easier than getting my head around sorting all the bottles out, sterilising etc. Some people don't. Don't feel pressurised and you don't have to decide right now either.

mrsmaturin · 17/09/2014 22:47

Age has everything to do with it. Mums under 20 are the group with the lowest incidence of breastfeeding.

Greatfalls · 17/09/2014 22:47

mrsmaturin that is not a sensible comment. I suggest you are projecting your own experiences - nothing to do with OP who has quite rightly questioned these comments.

Good for you OP - give it a go. What's to lose.

Janethegirl · 17/09/2014 22:47

I found breast feeding much easier than all the faff with bottles etc. all I'd advise is you do get the baby able to take a bottle (expressed milk if you prefer) otherwise you are a bit tied to the babe. My first dc would not touch a bottle ever!!

Original poster
Random1999 · 17/09/2014 22:49

Thank you everyone, I am only 15 yes but am trying my best to plan ahead in terms of life after birth, education and such and was a bit deflated by my midwife if im honest as i was expecting to at least get some info (regarding birth) as i live in a very rural area, with no off licenses or post offices for 6/7 miles!

OP posts:
mrsmaturin · 17/09/2014 22:50

Unfortunately for you greatfalls, no not projecting at all. I personally have breastfed three children with no issues at all. That is NOT a universal experience though and the Op's midwife - who is after all a healthcare professional apparently actually speaking to the OP, with all her history in front of her - has made her aware that it may not all be straightforward. It isn't for many women.

Bilberry · 17/09/2014 22:50

Is she a specialist teen midwife? A lot of trusts have these and I would hope they would be more supportive. I would say approach things with your eyes open, knowing it may not work. But give it a go! If it is about what is best for your baby then that is breast. It can be hard, painful initially and doesn't always work out (it didn't for me and I'm a lot older) but bottle feeding has a lot of stresses, is more faff, more expensive, and less convenient. Perhaps what she has in mind is that someone else could bottle feed?! Maybe speak to a breast feeding counsellor once you've changed midwife?

Original poster
Random1999 · 17/09/2014 22:52

telling me it wont be straightforward i would have accepted what i dont accept is patronizing me and even calling me/my actions stupid!!

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 17/09/2014 22:53

She could have mentioned the positives - the lovely happy-hormones that are often released when breastfeeding, the ease of comforting your baby, the money saved, the calories used up (though that one never worked for me!)

MrsPiggie · 17/09/2014 22:53

Did she actually call you stupid or told you that it would be stupid to attempt breastfeeding? Slight difference. To me it looks like she was trying to tell you about the disadvantages and risks of breastfeeding as a young mum. I've got no idea if she was right or wrong, but given how heavily breastfeeding is promoted maybe there are reasons why she had to tell you this.

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