Last year my life was sickeningly happy
I had a lovely fiancé, our gorgeous 4 year old son, good job and good income. And I was pregnant with a little girl.
Then I made a terrible mistake
At the end of my pregnancy, my little one stopped moving suddenly. When I say suddenly, I was busy at work one day when it occurred to me I couldn't remember the last time I felt her move. I think it was the morning before. My heart stopped. Unfortunately hers had too and there was no bringing her back.
She had been in distress for days, I was later told. For days. And I didn't even know, didn't even worry. How is this possible? I can't imagine any other mother being so stupid, so negligent.
It's a year since I gave birth to her and it has been nothing but hell. I have pushed my fiancé away (I should call him partner now actually, we won't be getting married), I've scared my little boy with my desperate and daily grief and the antidepressants are not helping. I haven't gone back to work. I do nothing but cry, sleep, cry, sleep.
I don't know what to do. I really just don't know what to do. This horrible, pitiful mess is all my fault. The year anniversary has brought it all to a head as I really thought we'd get through this and somehow I feel like the early months were the easiest, when I was protected by shock.
I'm thinking of leaving them. Disappearing far far away and just sending emails so they know I'm alive.
My partner would be better off without me. If I disappeared, he could find a lovely, caring wife who would not cry every day (and who would keep any children they had safe). My little boy could grow up in a safe, loving household where his mother doesn't cry on him daily.
I just can't see any other solution. I'm haunted by my little one's death and I don't know what to do.
AIBU?
To run away from my family and my grief
AirCon · 04/08/2014 14:08
Sweetheart, please go and see your GP. You need help dealing with this terrible, terrible grief for the loss of your little girl, which was absolutely not your fault. A couple of my friends have lived the same experience as you, and it's unspeakable, it's appalling, but it wasn't their fault - just as it wasn't yours.
Of course you're crying every day - you're dealing with a terrible loss. This doesn't make you a bad partner or a bad mother - it means you're human. But you do need help, and there is help out there for you. Please print off your OP and take it to your GP, and let them give you the help and support that you need.
I'm so sorry that this terrible thing happened to you.
Aircon. I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. How are you possibly meant to know she was in distress though OP 
you can't see what's going on inside you. I know as mothers we always blame ourselves and think we should have been able to stop any harm coming to our children. But to a degree it's irrational. You must try to accept there was nothing you could have done. You were with her the whole time because she was inside you and that's the most you could have done.
I honestly can't imagine the pain you must feel. I've lost but not a child. I do know that grief takes it's time and sometimes you need help.
Could you write a letter to your partner. Put it all down in paper. Everything you are feeling. You need help OP and whilst you may not believe it now they need you as much as you need them. You could also show the letter to a Gp. Have some counselling and maybe join some of the wonderful forums out there for those that have lost their children.
I am sure someone more knowledgeable will be along soon. Please try to be kind to yourself. This was an awful tragedy.
You poor thing please speak to someone. Your little boy doesn't need anyone but you, he still thinks the world of you. You are still grieving, in no way is what happened your fault.
You poor thing please speak to someone. Your little boy doesn't need anyone but you, he still thinks the world of you. You are still grieving, in no way is what happened your fault.
Oh OP, I'm so sorry. It was in no way your fault. So many aspects of pregnancy are still a mystery to medical professionals, there is no way you were expected to know what was going on. You are torturing yourself over this and you need some help. Running away is not the solution.
Sending you love and luck.
and much love to you OP. I think you are still in very early stages of grief and you sound like you blame yourself when it was not your fault at all. I just want to give you a big hug.
Your partner/Fiance and your little boy need you too x
Firstly, whoever mentioned the word "distressed" to you I agree has been both negligent and cruel. You could not possibly know what was going on inside. You don't have x-ray vision.
Secondly, I have been through this too. I lost one of my twin boys at 34 weeks. I had a similar insensitive arse of a HCP saying "well did you not feel reduced movement?" No, there were two of them I couldn't tell one from the other. I blamed myself for so long and ended up having a breakdown wen I went back to work. I hated myself. I wanted to disappear. I hated everyone I saw with twin boys. I wished I had died and not my son. I hated the friends and family that didn't help or support us, and some actively avoided too. I did have the counselling and it helped me mainly because I could tell her all the things I was too scared to say to anyone else.
You have not failed anyone. Please believe that. In all likelihood, even if you had seen someone sooner the outcome would have been the same. In my case, even if he had been born alive he would not have lived long. It sounds to me like you are in crisis and feeling the grief as if it happened yesterday. Please get more medical help. Your little boy loves and needs you, you haven't failed him (or anyone). You are suffering and need more help and support. I will be here for hand holding and pm me if you want to. I know how unspeakably shit this is
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