To tell friend how I feel about lending money

(227 Posts)
pupsiecola Fri 13-Jun-14 07:37:22

My best friend has asked me for a loan to see her through until pay day (150 quid). This has happened about 6 times in the last 12. We also leant her 500 quid 2 years ago. Last month she paid back 50. The rest is outstanding. I know other people have leant them a lot of money too.

Her DH has MH issues. She has a really really tough life. She works full-time and has a DD. They have struggled financially since he had a breakdown around 15 years ago. He's not really worked since.

She has started a relationship with someone at work who also has MH issues. I am worried about her because whilst I don't judge her (and actually think she deserves some fun and a bit of happiness) he seems to be bring far more problems than he's worth (he is single, but much much younger).

Anyway, I always lend her the money when she asks, without question. She always pays the short term stuff back. The 500 I have almost written off.

I have two issues:-

1. Since getting involved with this guy at work I feel I don't hear from her as much and it's always me who initiates contact. But I know she is very busy at work etc. and I get that friendship is give and take in terms of effort put in. Only thing here is I do feel a bit taken for granted. Eg today I wake up to a chatty (but apologetic) text asking if it's possible to borrow the 150.

2. I don't think she is careful with money. For example she bought her daughter a pen for a fiver the other week! But she bought her the same pen in a different colour a few weeks ago. She bought her man friend a funny and pointless game for 20 quid last time we were together (2 weeks ago). Now, again I try not to judge. She works hard and it's up to her what she spends her money on. But it does make me feel a bit resentful when she then doesn't have enough money to last the month.

We are in the process of buying a house. We could really do with the 450 quid back. And whilst I could lend her the 150 and probably will as I love her and don't want her to have this stress, I do feel upset and I do actually feel resentment building. I am worried I will tell her how I feel about it, and it will ruin our friendship.

WWYD please?

What does she keep needing all these loans for?

What would she do if the Bank of Pupsie wasn't around?

Are you sure its only you she taps for money?

I wouldn't lend it to her. It's too much! I would just tell her that I don't have it to give at the moment, especially since I'm still out of pocket after the £500 LENT previously. I understand that she's having a tough time, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to say no.
A friend that's in it for more than just the money will understand.

GemmaTeller Fri 13-Jun-14 07:42:36

No, I wouldn't have lent her anymore money after she didn't pay the £450 back.

True friends don't borrow money and not pay it back.

Tell her your saving up to move house and A) can't lend her anymore and B) need the other money back

Groovee Fri 13-Jun-14 07:42:42

Just say no, you are not a pay day loan company nor are you a bank.

Timeforabiscuit Fri 13-Jun-14 07:44:12

I think I would write off the money you have given her and not lend her any more, maybe give a bit of warning next time you meet about moving expenses.

I think you have been amazing to help her out in such a way, but try and stop judging the way she spends money - its bloody relentless always being short and a five pound pen is not the same as tipping all on the bingo.

Do not say sorry if she does ask, just stick to "I haven't got it" and don't get drawn into detail.

It is a really shitty situation, but you'll find out what kind of friend she is with her reaction.

Sunnymeg Fri 13-Jun-14 07:44:18

Take a deep breath and tell her you can't help as all your money is needed for the house purchase. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know about whether she is a true friend or just using you.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 13-Jun-14 07:45:48

I would put my foot down and say no! Funny how she contacts you when she wants money! You sound like you put all the effort in, what does she do for you! You have to think about that long and hard, you are not her bank, she has to take responsibility, now you need money as your moving.

gamerchick Fri 13-Jun-14 07:47:05

Why would you enable her? It's doing her no favours.

Tell her sorry you can't lend anymore until she's cleared the debt as you're strapped yourself.

I have a friend like this and I had to write off a large chunk of money while not lending her another penny to save our friendship. Once you start feeling resentful it just grows the more they ask.

pupsiecola Fri 13-Jun-14 07:47:35

Thanks for the replies so far. She borrows the money to live in because she runs out by the 3rd week of the month. A few years ago they did that financial thing - not bankruptcy, the lesser one.

Thing is, whilst we're not rolling in dosh, we do have a good life and DH who works very hard earns a very good salary. I would imagine in her eyes she thinks we have plenty of dosh lying around. Even though I have hinted that that's not the case. But then we go on a cool holiday and she must think we are loaded.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 13-Jun-14 07:48:19

I agree sunny, a true friend would understand, she sounds like she is using you op, sometimes it takes an objective opinion fir you to realise that.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 13-Jun-14 07:49:03

That's what it is op, your her bank!

everythingtakesages Fri 13-Jun-14 07:49:08

You are not really helping her manage her money because when she sees her bank balance, she automatically tacks on another £150 because she thinks, I can always call Pupsie...

Inertia Fri 13-Jun-14 07:51:22

Sorry to be brutal, but if she only contacts you to ask for money then she's using you. It's ok to say no to her, especially as you can't afford to lose this money. I would just say that you don't have the money to lend while you're still £ 450 down.

gamerchick Fri 13-Jun-14 07:51:54

Yes but it's because she's lent money she doesn't care about running out the third week.

everythingtakesages Fri 13-Jun-14 07:52:34

Really she should be making radical changes in her life, compelling her husband to get more help, leaving him, not spiralling into an affair with someone who might hurt her.

You are making her current life bearable, and so preventing her from taking steps to make things permanently better.

I would tell her you can't give her any more financial help.

pupsiecola Fri 13-Jun-14 07:52:44

The point about the financial thing is she cannot have a credit card or cheque book or anything (which quite frankly I think is a good thing and I am dreading her getting one when she is allowed).

Her DH drinks about 6 beers a night from what I can tell.

Her ILs paid their rent for 10 months last year, at 900 quid a month and still they needed to borrow from her dad and from me. I think her dad has lent her around 8000 in the last few years.

IMHO she needs to have a serious look at her budget and make it last the month by not buying pointless stuff. We do that.

I'm a mug then aren't I. I try to help where I can - for example I give her clothes that I no longer wear.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 13-Jun-14 07:54:40

Pupsie stop the cycle now! Yes by all means help her in other ways if you wish, but no more money!

pupsiecola Fri 13-Jun-14 07:55:26

Timeforabiscuit the only reason I feel slightly judgey is that if for example she hadn't bought the pen for a fiver, the one 2 weeks before for a fiver and the stupid game for 20 that would be 30 quid of the 150 she now needs to borrow. Like I say I don't begrudge her at all, but it's hard to stand next to her at the checkout when I know what she'll be asking me for money in a couple of weeks.

cozietoesie Fri 13-Jun-14 07:56:38

I've lost two friends through lending money. I'm not saying that it will inevitably sour the relationship but it does change the balance and make life with that person difficult eg you already say that you're starting to feel 'resentful' and I think, from your posts, that you're starting to judge her and what she does in a negative way?

I'd stop doing it directly. If you want to clean things up, I'd tell her that you'll write off the £450 (because it sounds as if you have zero chance of getting that back and it might help her not to have that hanging over her) and then stop any lending after that point. I'd be interested to see whether she kept on as a friend in those circumstances - my suspicion is that the relationship would taper off.

ManchesterAunt Fri 13-Jun-14 07:56:54

Just say no

Just say no

Just say no

Just say no

cozietoesie Fri 13-Jun-14 07:58:26

x posts. Yes - you are judging her negatively. That's almost inevitable in the circumstances but doesn't lend itself to a worthwhile friendship.

MaryWestmacott Fri 13-Jun-14 07:58:59

So she still owes you £450? She isn't asking you to loan her money, she's asking you to give her money.

Say no. see if she actually contacts you again once you stop giving her money....

KirstyJC Fri 13-Jun-14 08:01:15

The judging isn't really relevant - the fact that she is expecting you to fund her is.

Just. Say. No.

From her point of view - why does she need to learn how to budget? She can spend whatever she likes - because you and her family will give her money whenever she needs it.

She can behave how she likes, and so can you. So stop giving her money. You are being a mug!

PS can you lend me a tenner?wink

Fluffycloudland77 Fri 13-Jun-14 08:02:09

sunny is right, say no & see if you are still friends.

I have a feeling you won't be though sad

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