AIBU or is DH? So angry and frustrated!

(321 Posts)
TeaFor6 Mon 21-Apr-14 19:45:24

I am feeling really upset and furious with DH right now but not sure if I’m totally overreacting. I need a rant but also some impartial opinions.
Married 9 years. We have DDs 7 & 5 and twin DSs 22 weeks.

I say this because I think it’s relevant to explain my feelings: DTs were not planned. DDs were out of the baby/toddler stage and a bit more independent, we were comfortable with money, felt our family was complete. I was a SAHM but started back at work which I was really excited about! I had been working 5 wks when I found out I was pg hmm A few wks later we found out it was twins!

Despite the problems we chose to go ahead with the pg and obviously I’m so glad we did, we all love Dts to bits and couldn’t imagine life without them! However I have found it difficult to go back to the baby/SAHM stage, and 4 children is a lot of work! DH has a fairly demanding job and is out of the house from 7am to 7/8pm most days. He also has to do overnight stays (1 or 2 nights) sometimes. This is about twice a month. He is a great dad and v. hands on with DCs at wkends.

Now to the problem: DDs have been asking to get a dog for a few months. I have always said no. I like dogs but right now I think it would just be way too much work. Who would walk it? DDs are too young to do it alone and I don’t fancy struggling with a double buggy and a dog every day on top of everything else. Plus dogs cost money (food, vets bills etc) we are managing atm but don’t need any extra strain on finances. DDs insist they will take responsibility but the same thing was said about the rabbit we got them the year before last. Guess who does all the cleaning out and feeding? [hmml]. I just feel like a dog would be a huge extra burden on me that I really don’t want right now.

I thought DH and I were in agreement on this bt today he took the DDs out for the afternoon. When they arrived back DDs burst through the door full of excitement and announced to me that we were getting a puppy!!! Apparently they had bumped into a friend of ours and DC at the park and gone back to their house to see the puppies their dog has had. Friend is looking for homes for the puppies, DDs asked to have one and DH has said yes! He says the DDs really want one and it will be nice for them and he thought I would be pleased shock

I am furious! What the hell was he thinking promising this without talking to me first? And not just any dog, a fucking puppy!! (Which will presumably need housetraining, etc) He thinks I am being a misery and it will be fun to have a puppy, but he just. Doesn’t. Get. It. He is hardly ever in the house during the week so it will be me dealing with it whilst looking after 2 young babies, taking older dcs to and from school, cooking meals, looking after the house and doing all the other jobs that he seems to think are done by the fucking house elves angry
We are just not in a position to take on this puppy but the DDs now think they are getting one and are so excited. They are going to be heartbroken sad. I know we need to tell them sooner rather than later but DH is refusing because he thinks I will come round! I should tell them but that’ll make me the bad guy yet again (lovely daddy says we can have a puppy but nasty mummy says no sad)

DH and I have had a big row and I’ve shut myself in the bedroom to feed the DTs and have a good cry. I just feel like he doesn’t appreciate how hard it is with 4 children all week, and the sacrifices I have made for the family. The fact that he can think nothing about piling more work and responsibility on me makes me so angry. I know he doesn’t mean to upset me but he just doesn’t think. He will bugger off back to work tomorrow and leave me to deal with the fallout.
I am so upset, but am I overreacting? Its hard to know whether I’m just overly tired or projecting my frustration at being a SAHM again (my decision and the right one but not what I planned for this stage in my life)
Any honest opinions welcome smile

TeaFor6 Mon 21-Apr-14 19:45:39

My God that was so long, Sorry!!! Clearly I needed to get that off my chest. Well done to anyone who read through that…

ChazzerChaser Mon 21-Apr-14 19:48:27

Wow you are so not over reacting. I'd be livid. Is he like this about other things?

Annianni Mon 21-Apr-14 19:48:32

Yanbu.
Your dh is an arse.
No way would I have a puppy in the house.
He needs to tell the dc's no.

angry for you.

parakeet Mon 21-Apr-14 19:49:11

YANBU YANBU YANBU. Do not engage in debate on this at all, just keep saying to your DH and DDs "I won't have time to walk it. I won't have time to walk it. I won't have time to walk it." And tell him he needs to get in and tell the girls he has made a big mistake tonight.

wannaBe Mon 21-Apr-14 19:49:17

Yanbu. At all.

I don't think your out of of order, you have a lot on and getting a dog should always be a decision made by the whole family. not sure what I'd do in your position as I can see why you are worried about telling the children but no way should he have told them before he had discussed it with you. I have two dogs and they are hard work not even just the walking but the general someone else needing attention and fuss. shit situation all round that could of been avoided had he spoke to he first

junkfoodaddict Mon 21-Apr-14 19:49:50

It's alright for HIM to say yes, he's never bloody there!!!

Oh, I feel for you Teafor6.

Stick to your guns. Yes, the girls may think badly of you, but not forever. They will forget about it a lot sooner than you think and certainly a lot quicker than a puppy's/dog's life expectancy!!!!

You could deal with the fallout for a few days/weeks or a dog for potentially 10-14 years!!!

WooWooOwl Mon 21-Apr-14 19:50:01

Your DH has been incredibly unreasonable!

I'd make him be the one to tell your dds that it isn't going to happen, and if they want any chance of it ever happening in the future then they need to start proving they are capable of having a pet by looking after their own rabbit.

MissSusanStoHelit Mon 21-Apr-14 19:50:24

Couldn't read and not reply - WHAT THE FUCK is he thinking?? Dogs are incredibly hard work, puppies doubly so, and you are already shouldering a massive burden. Do not let him push you in to this- it is totally unfair on you! Good luck...

Fishlegs Mon 21-Apr-14 19:50:58

He is being totally unreasonable. A puppy is such hard work! Never mind with your babies.

My brother and his wife got a puppy when their dc2 was around the same age as your dts, they ended up rehoming her 6 months later as they just couldn't cope. Their eldest child was heartbroken and still asks after her. Can you not agree with your older 2 that you will revisit the decision when the dts are, say, 2 or 3, so that it's not a 'never' thing, just 'not yet' ?

X3512 Mon 21-Apr-14 19:51:15

YANBU and I would be really concerned that he appears to have no understanding or empathy about what you contribute to the family and has done this massive thing that will have a huge impact on YOU without discussing it with YOU! What an absolute cheek. How dare he tell you what to do. This is definitely a family decision.

If he wants the puppy I would be telling him that he will need to take the time off work to train it, get up in the night with it and get up earlier in the morning to walk it.
Arghhh-annoyed for you.

Hoppinggreen Mon 21-Apr-14 19:51:20

Your DH is a total idiot.
The last thing you need is a bloody puppy - and I love puppies!!!!
You might have to be the baddy, which is totally unfair but better than getting a puppy

IkeaFurnitureAssemblyChampions Mon 21-Apr-14 19:51:31

He is being ridiculous. I would LOVE a dog, but no way could I handle it right now with DCs aged 3.5 and 18 months. Forget baby twins!

should also mention that it is totally not your fault so when you do tell them don't be made out to be the bad guy or feel like it.

coppertop Mon 21-Apr-14 19:51:57

I think I would want to kill him.

YANBU.

YAsoNBU! Your DH is a dick. And yes, you will get labelled as the bad parent because of his fuck-up, so please be the one to break the news to them so that he can't spin it his way.

ShabbyChic8 Mon 21-Apr-14 19:52:03

YANBU at all. You have enough on your hands. When your children are old enough to take responsibility for walking and feeding then fine. If you get a puppy now it will all fall on you. Put your foot down, even if it means being mean mummy for a while.

onestepbeyond Mon 21-Apr-14 19:52:14

yanbu at all. dogs are a huge responsibility and with 4 dcs i'm sure the last thing you need is domething else to look after. We had a lovely dog for 3yrs but when i had dd1 the dog went to live with my parents as i just couldn't walk him as much as he needed.

Mrsantithetic Mon 21-Apr-14 19:52:18

Yanbu.

A dog is a huge responsibility he had no business to agree to that at all.

YANBU at all! shock
DH was desperate for a dog but he had to wait until I the DCs were teenagers and I could be sure they could be responsible for it as I had no intention of being.

ApocalypseNowt Mon 21-Apr-14 19:52:49

I've a feeling this is going to be a unanimous YANBU!

Wtf was he thinking...

YANBU. We had 2 dogs when DS arrived after a long gap between babies. We love our pets dearly but one of them nearly got rehomed as we couldn't cope and they weren't puppies that needed training.

DH needs to tell the DDs that it is not happening.

quietlysuggests Mon 21-Apr-14 19:53:44

YANBU
Your husband is utterly wrong here.
I don't know how you should approach it to be honest, I think anything you do will be proportionate - right up to allowing him to get the puppy but doing not one single thing with it and letting him come home after a long day at work to a house covered in piss and shit. Let him see the reality of it. Dont feed it walk it train it or clean up after it.
He wouldn't last one week before he would have to get rid of it.
You could also move out and leave him the 4 children for a week. Don't answer his calls. Tell him you will be back after a week and you will see if he found himself with so many spare hours that he was lonely for a puppy.
Your DH is being a total arse.
So 2 years ago he considered not going ahead with a pregnancy because he didn't want the baby busy stage again;
yet now he is throwing YOU back into the stage because he wants to be fun dad?

JapaneseMargaret Mon 21-Apr-14 19:54:02

Well, I only have a 3YO and a 5YO - no babies, and definitely no twins - and there's no way we're getting a dog right now, for pretty much exactly your reasons!!

Of course YANBU - I hope to hell your DH sees sense on this...

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