To have supported my daughter to get contraception...

(125 Posts)
ginorwine Thu 10-Apr-14 22:50:58

My dd is 15 and has been with her boyfriend for 4 months. They have been getting more and more intimate and my dd asked me to take her to the clinic which I did today .the nurse said that sexual feelings are normal at this age and teens can often use condoms incorrectly or not use at all and this was a sensible option.
Our ds who is 16 saw the bandage on her arm and when dd told him he became very upset . He does not like boyfriend anyway and bf is a little cocky to my ds. It's just how he is and my ds is a very gentle person so they really don't get along .
Ds said he us going to " kill bf if he touches" dd and he has said we are bad parents letting this happen etc. he is in middle of as revision and this is v bad timning.
I'm sat here feeling terribly guilty for my ds being so distressed and he won't talk . For weeks he has said he doesn't like dd bf and we had just calmed things by agreeing that bf only comes on certain days p w so that d s can make plans to be elsewhere. When bf comes round he just stays in his room. Nothing has happened between them except that b f is a bit odd but kind to dd for eg he does not seem to respect boundaries and has gone in ds room when asked not to Ect. I'm feeling I've let my ds down in some way and I can't help him on this one he won't let me so I guess he has got to work thus thro himself.i think it has challenged a lot of things for him- his little sister growing up etc. what is bothering me is he actually cried and that's not usual at all. He is clearly threatened.
I am left feeling I've done something wrong but I felt I had to protect dd -but now I've got a distressed ds...have I been u and what do I do sad

ginorwine Thu 10-Apr-14 22:56:05

I'm also worried it may effect his revision. So tense in the house. I keep trying to gentle assert why I mad e the decision. Maybe it's ds just not got the insight into my reasons but I feel so helpless re wanting to support him he is just so upset and will not let us in his room. Guess got to reiterate decision to myself and stay clear in my mind - or at least pretend to be calm .

elahrairahforprimeminister Thu 10-Apr-14 22:56:17

Regarding the contraception you've done exactly the right thing. Don't doubt that for a second.

I reckon half of the problem is that kids don't know where to go/can't afford them/are too embarrassed to ask.

I'll be making sure DS has access to condoms when the time comes.

Not sure what to say about your son's reaction though. Sorry.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Thu 10-Apr-14 22:56:41

Your DD's contraception choices are not her brother's concern. it really isn't any of his business and I would tell him that.

The issue of him not liking DD's boyfriend is separate imo. does he know something about the BF that you and DD do not maybe? as for BF overstepping the boundaries in your home (your DS's home too) that needs nipping in the bud. he either respects everyone in the household or he is no longer welcome.

I could of course be chatting bollocks tho as I dont have teenagers yet grin but I think that's how id deal with this.

Forgettable Thu 10-Apr-14 22:58:09

First of all, implant or no,implant, your DD must use condoms to reduce risk of STIs

DS, well, I think you need to listen to him a bit, if the boyfriend is cocky and unpleasant to his girlfriend's brother, well that's a bit off and rude, isn't it, especially with the boundaries. Can't you say, as the adult, excuse me but please remember that the bedrooms are private, please respect that. And be firm in asking the boyfriend to leave if he tries to enter DS room again.

ginorwine Thu 10-Apr-14 22:59:11

Desperately - yes ds seen b f. Being daft on f. Book he's a bit daft . He is a bit off the wall and ds hates it !

ginorwine Thu 10-Apr-14 23:00:12

Forgettable done all of that . . smile

DomesticSlobbess Thu 10-Apr-14 23:02:47

I think taking your daughter to the clinic was very sensible.

For what it's worth, when I was her age I had a BF who my DB hated. He would sometimes go weeks without speaking to me because I was still with BF or if we had got back together after breaking up. On one occasion he was openly rude to my BF and my parents pulled him up on it. At the time it felt like DB was getting involved in my business. But I think he was just being protective and wary of my BF. My DB has always been quite immature even now at 30, so often doesn't think twice about being rude or sharing an opinion that might hurt someone else's feelings.

Just to add though, I don't think it's acceptable for your DS to be saying "If he touches her I'll kill him". What goes on between DD and her BF in that department is none of his business, siblings or not.

chocoluvva Thu 10-Apr-14 23:04:15

BF going in his room is not acceptable. Why did he do that? What else has he done?

Perhaps you should ask your DS if there's something he's not telling you about your DD's BF.

When will your DD be 16?

I let my nearly 16YO's BF stay over after six months. I really don't know if that was a sensible thing to have done or not. On the one hand, if they're going to have sex they probably will, but then again if it had been more inconvenient/less privacy perhaps they wouldn't. I'll probably never know. DD tells me quite a lot though. I definitely achieved my aim of keeping the lines of communication open and giving her the message that I support her right to exercise her own choice about personal matters.

(I'm absolutely fine about DD (now 17.5) having her BF stay over now though.)

chocoluvva Thu 10-Apr-14 23:04:47

Slow typing - sorry for x-posting.

WilsonFrickett Thu 10-Apr-14 23:05:04

Absolutely agree with pps. Your daughter's contraceptive choices are not your son's concern.

However if your DD's bf isn't respecting DS boundaries then you need to nip that firmly in the bud.

Viviennemary Thu 10-Apr-14 23:05:40

I don't think people should be encouraging under age sex. It is illegal for a person under 16 to have sex. I can't imagine why a parent would facilitate this.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Thu 10-Apr-14 23:05:43

Can I ask, how is the BF daft? because either your son is really overreacting here and someone needs to have words with him about that, or "daft" is actually grossly offensive or worse and it's a lot more understandable.

What does your DD say about this? I'd have gone mad at my brother or sister saying all that stuff and voicing their opinion on my contraception choices.

ginorwine Thu 10-Apr-14 23:07:07

Forgettable - sorry short reply ! Tired!
Have talked re condoms both not slept with anyone else
We have told bf rules once he has learn t one of our house rules he abides by them.
Bf is a bit more rough and ready and immature in some ways and ds feels embarrassed I wd say and thinks he is a prat -his words. Ds is quite proper bf bit of a lad

mamalovesmojitos Thu 10-Apr-14 23:07:21

No real advice here I'm afraid, but just wanted to say its hard being a parent!! We only try our best...and it's great that your daughter confides in you and you listen to her. Contraception was 100% the right thing to do. Saying that, I agree with other posters about exploring why your ds is so against dd's boyfriend. Good luck.

ACatCalledColin Thu 10-Apr-14 23:07:35

I guess your DS is coming over all overprotective of little sister. Which is sweet but her contraception choices are none of his business.

DemonsInMyHead Thu 10-Apr-14 23:10:35

Vivienne surely if the OP suspects they are going to or already getting intimate anyway, all she's encouraging is them doing it safely?

OP is there a chance your DS knows something else about the fb he isn't saying? Just a thought.

ACatCalledColin Thu 10-Apr-14 23:11:02

I don't think people should be encouraging under age sex. It is illegal for a person under 16 to have sex. I can't imagine why a parent would facilitate this.

Oh don't be naive.

If teens are going to have sex then they will and no amount of "it's illegal" and "you should wait" is going to change that.

ginorwine Thu 10-Apr-14 23:13:41

Vivienne I am not encouraging under age sew they are getting intimate and I can see the way things are going! I've talked to her in depth - this is not a easy decision. But do you I shine if I say don't have sex she won't ?

chocoluvva Thu 10-Apr-14 23:14:02

is there a chance your DS knows something else about the fb he isn't saying?

Either that, or is something else bothering your DS and he's expressing it through this business with his sister's BF?

rabbitlady Thu 10-Apr-14 23:15:22

if your daughter is contemplating becoming sexually active and wanted your support in sorting out contraception, and you did it - well done, you're a good mum.

your son - hmm. he's got a male-status-ownership-of-women thing going on. she's his sister so people have to be approved by him before having her. compounding this, the boyfriend is asserting his dominance over the brother by not respecting his territory. so i go into your room and i fuck your sister, look at me, i'm alpha here'.

he needs to realise we've moved on from the caveman approach. she gets to choose her lovers, and as her brother, he doesn't get a say.

but have a word with the boyfriend and tell him to behave respectfully towards other family members, including your son. your son should be comfortable in his own home. thought - there's nothing you don't know about these two, is there? no chance the boyfriend has taken up with daughter to get at son?

Greythorne Thu 10-Apr-14 23:17:51

You need to have a chat to you son and try to find out if it is misplaced misogyny or well-placed worry at an unsuitable bf.

5feralloinfruits Thu 10-Apr-14 23:21:41

I wouldnt want my daughter getting anything like that,but mostly because of the side effects really,i think i would of encouraged condoms,and maybe a more natural route,but i do understand that most people are happy for the more mainstream route.

YANBU to help your daughter get contraception OP.

ACatCalledColin Thu 10-Apr-14 23:23:54

Not everyone gets side effects from hormonal contraception.

chocoluvva Thu 10-Apr-14 23:27:51

Reread your OP. Bf is a little cocky to DS - not acceptable in your DS' own home.

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