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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about being uninvited for being pregnant!

577 replies

WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 11:49

Ok I've name changed and it's a wedding one folks.

Late last year a very good, lifelong friend of my DH's announces that he has booked his wedding this summer in a Mediterranean holiday destination. We booked straight away, flights, hotel and MIL booked a week off work to look after our DC's. All good and looking forward to it.

I recently found out that I'm unexpectedly pregnant, not planned, bit of a shock but happy about it. At the weekend DH went out for a few drinks with his friend and happened to tell him that I'm 9 weeks pregnant. All appeared well and his friend congratulated him and seemed pleased, he was joking about DH having to put up with all the sleepless nights again.

On Monday night DH got a phone call from his friend basically saying that he didn't want to fall out with him but they (friend and his wife-to-be) think that it's best that I don't attend the wedding. He went on to explain that her sister had a failed 2nd attempt at IVF in February and they think my being there will be far too upsetting for her sister and bil and will spoil the day. DH said he understood but had paid out money we could ill afford and probably wouldn't get it back. His friend said that we should still come and I could spend the day sightseeing whilst DH goes to the wedding! We are all staying in the same hotel so she'll see me anyway!

We have booked this at the expense of a family holiday this year. I don't want to be hanging around on my own sodding sightseeing at bloody 29 weeks pregnant, I would far rather be on holiday with kids or getting the the pram and car seat that we need for this baby. I'm really bloody angry about it, DH thinks I'm being a bitch and should be more understanding. I really can't see his point at all and we aren't speaking.

So please, if you have got this far give me some perspective. AIBU and should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
firstbaby01 · 03/04/2014 11:53

yanbu that's a horrible thing for them to do! her sis is going to see pregnant people nearly everywhere she goes and whilst she may be upset she can't avoid every single pregnant person forever.

Seeline · 03/04/2014 11:53

Difficult one - although I can't see how wife-to-be's sister can avoid seeing pg women until she hopefully has a successful IVF.
Do you know the lady concerned? Are you likely to be in close conversation with her for the entire day? If not it does seem unreasonable. Given that you were invited, and have forked out alot of money (and trouble) to arrange to be there, I think it is a bit unreasonable to now say you can't go to teh wedding.

nochips · 03/04/2014 11:53

They are being ridiculous. Rude to you and patronizing to the sister.

firstbaby01 · 03/04/2014 11:54

I would also tell them if they don't want you to go then they should re imburse you for the costs you have paid out

TopsyTail · 03/04/2014 11:54

Although he's trying to be sensitive to his sister, he's wrong to expect you to change your plans because you're pregnant and I say that as someone who has been through IVF.

Yes, seeing pregnant women does touch a nerve when you're dealing with infertility, but it's not as if you can avoid them. They are all over the place and how does he know there won't be some other pregnant guest there, is he going to ban them too?

I don't know what you can actually do about it though.

Lottiedoubtie · 03/04/2014 11:54

No Yanbu at all. Give them a day or to to calm down and then speak to them again- if they are good friends presumably they aren't usually this outrageously rude. Try and get them to understand how hurtful to you they are being.

If they don't wake up and apologise though I'd cancel/ attempt to move the bookings to another week.

It's a waste of money, but so would going and having a terrible time!

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2014 11:54

It's actually a bit tricky because both sides have a point. The bride to be is naturally going to care more about her sister's feelings than her husband's mate's wife who she doesn't know very well, but it's also completely reasonable for you to be annoyed.

Actually, the person who is being most unreasonable is your H. What he should have done was to tell his friend, politely, that if you weren't going to the wedding neither was he. And then see if you can sell the tickets to someone else or cancel them and get most of the money back.

ZenGardener · 03/04/2014 11:55

You're being a bitch? That's awful. There are pregnant women everywhere. It is extremely rude to uninvite someone. I would expect my husband to agree to cancel the travel plans and go somewhere with you and the kids instead. I say this as someone who went through fertility treatment.

BumpNGrind · 03/04/2014 11:55

Op congratulations on your pregnancy.

This situation is absolutely awful and I cant believe your DH's reaction. I would never speak to this couple again. What a horrible thing to do.

thistimeofthemonth · 03/04/2014 11:55

Do NOT suck it up!! You've paid for it so go and ignore any comments - however sad it is that the IVF failed its not your fault and unless she sudenly becomes blind she will see pregnant women all over the place.

Lagoonablue · 03/04/2014 11:56

FFS that is ridiculous. There are pg women everywhere. She will have to get used to it.

I would be bloody furious tbh.

Corabell · 03/04/2014 11:57

Your friends are being very unreasonable!

ZenGardener · 03/04/2014 11:58

Are you sure you can't get money back for canceling or changing the dates?

SuburbanRhonda · 03/04/2014 11:58

I disagree that both sides have a point.

If the friend and bride to be has discovered OP was pregnant before they sent the invitations out and decided for the same reason not to invite them, that would have been bad enough.

But to uninvite them knowing they have already booked is shocking.

What would they have done if the OP and her idiot DH had kept the pregnancy a secret until the wedding? Made her sit outside? Shock

Ploppy16 · 03/04/2014 11:59

So do they expect you to hide away from the sister the entire time? If you're staying at the same hotel you'll see her at breakfast etc, are a you supposed to eat separately from everyone else too? Plus you are supposed to just happily wave DH and the rest off to the wedding and spend the day on your own in an unfamiliar place and this won't look at all odd to everybody else? How on earth they will explain that one to other guests is beyond me, "OH, Wedding's not coming to with us because she's pregnant and my Sister is having fertility problems" is going to make them both look a tad unhinged...
YANBU, I wouldn't be happy either. Is there anyway at all you could get the money back for your place?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/04/2014 11:59

YANBU - it is a crazy situation to put you in and I would be furious if it were me. Sad as the situation is, the lady in question is not going to be able to avoid every single pregnant person and you know what....I bet no one has even asked her about this. They think they are doing the kindest thing but it's just ridiculous.

Do not suck it up - your DH is an idiot if he doesn't agree with you on this one and if he is happy for his very pregnant wife to be wandering about on her own n another country for the day whilst he goes to the wedding then he's an insensitive dick as well.

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 12:02

No we checked, can't get the money back. I don't know the bride that well and had no idea about her sister. I remember a few years back when we were out she mentioned her sister had decided to start trying for a baby.

DH is of the opinion that he needs to be there. I suggested him going alone but he went mad at that and said of course he wasn't going to be on his own all week surrounded by other couples so effectively, I'm banning him from going!

OP posts:
schokolade · 03/04/2014 12:04

Does the sister know that the bride and groom are telling her extremely private business to all and sundry?! Think she's more like to be pissed off at that than possibly catching sight of you!

PenguinsEatSpinach · 03/04/2014 12:04

I can appreciate how difficult it must be for her sister, and how seeing pregnant women at the wedding might make the day harder for her.

That said, you can't just wipe pregnant women out of the picture. It is utterly unreasonable to expect you to be massively out of pocket to spare her feelings. Likewise to expect you to 'hide' from the wedding.

Personally I wouldn't want to attend in these circumstances - it's no fun being where you aren't wanted- but I'd damn well expect them to cover the financial side. Are they going to dis-invite anyone else who announces a pregnancy too?

InYearAdmissionName · 03/04/2014 12:04

There's no one so 'offended' as a person who is offended on someone else's behalf. I bet the sister knows nothing about this idiotic decision. And your husband is acting like a prick. As is his friend.

Ploppy16 · 03/04/2014 12:05

Being charitable here, is he now thinking that you could spend the day relaxing without the DC's, as in it could be the perfect last chance for you to put your feet up before you give birth? or at least telling himself that

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 03/04/2014 12:05

As some who has experienced fertility issues, YADNBU!

if they don't want you there, tell them to stump up the money then!

Bloody cheek if you ask me

PenguinsEatSpinach · 03/04/2014 12:05

Just seen your post. Does your DH really expect you to go but 'hide' from the wedding? That is a ridiculous, ridiculous solution.

HobbetInTheHeadlights · 03/04/2014 12:05

I think your DH is being very unreasonable to you.

I would try cancelling - or see if another person attending can take your bookings off you. Or insist DH takes it as a holiday with you - and doesn't attend the wedding bit.

I've been to a wedding where it turned out DH was invited to whole lot but I was just invited to evening do. I ended up waiting round hotel as it was middle of no where place. I really resented it especially the cost and fact I wasn't wanted for parts of it - really went of the couple in question.

InYearAdmissionName · 03/04/2014 12:06

Ummm, if you are banned from going, he should be staying away voluntarily. Is your DH always this insensitive?