Even if IABU, should I ignore my gut instinct in regards to a new male worker in DS's nursery?

(353 Posts)
iphoneaddict Sun 16-Mar-14 00:56:49

DH said when he collected DS1 (age 5) from nursery today there was a new male worker in his room. There has never been a male worker there before.

I know most of you will say IABU but I feel very uneasy about this. DH is indifferent.

I know only a small percent of men are abusers and I know women are capable of abusing children and have been convicted of such offences - but I would still prefer him to be looked after by females at this young age.

The vast majority of sex abusers i hear about in the news are men and, whether this is fair or not, this makes me feel slightly less trusting towards men in general this regard. For example, if DS went missing in a shopping centre and was found by someone and looked after for a few minutes I would feel more comfortable if that person happened to be a women.

I also know that children are more likely to be abused by someone they know like a family member or friend of the family rather than by someone like a nursery worker.

DS has occasional accidents in nursery when he's distracted playing with his friends and doesn't make the toilet on time - and I would be extremely unhappy to have a male worker changing his clothes etc.

I know some people think its great to have a male influence for the children rather than an all female staff but this is not important to me. DS interacts regularly with our male relatives and friends so he is not missing out in that regard. I know that is not the case for all children.

DH heard my views and feels a bit sorry for the male worker who he says is just trying to make a living. However, for me my primary concern is feeling my children are as safe as possible.

Also, my other concern is DS2 (age 1). He is in the same nursery in another room. Sometimes the staff swap between the rooms. If the new male worker was in DS2's room - I would probably switch nurseries.

I was thinking maybe about talking to the nursery manager to get some reassurances that he will just be doing classroom work rather than changing clothes etc. I imagine I might come across as a bit OTT for expressing my concerns?

I'm sure many (maybe all?) of you think IABU and irrational about this - but do you think I should ignore my gut feeling on this because it is the politically correct thing to do.

Caff2 Sun 16-Mar-14 01:29:46

Oh dear God. Is this real. My husband and father of my children is a male primary school teacher, and I've been telling him no one thinks like this!

ZingSweetCoconut Sun 16-Mar-14 01:31:55

sorry, but not liking the fact that this nursery worker is male is not a gut instinct.

if you don't like something about him that's different.

but I think you are overreacting just because he is male....very irrational

iphoneaddict Sun 16-Mar-14 01:32:33

Ok ill try to take on board what you all have to say because obviously my views are off the wall

worridmum Sun 16-Mar-14 01:34:46

My faith in humanity has been restored with everyone in total agreement about being unreasonable about men in care roles. I just wish we could have a re education centre for all the bigots that chased my little brother out of his job because of this parnoia and threaterning to remove children (so nursery had no choice but to end his contract as the number of people saying that nursery was on unsteady ground hiring a male for the role).

My brother faught to keep his job and in the end had to go to tribunal and won a sex discrimation case which cost the nursey huge amounts of cash and apprently was blamed for the closure of it much to the disgust to most of the villegers in served

Ploppy16 Sun 16-Mar-14 01:35:25

Caff parents at my DD's school were so pleased when we got a new male KS2 teacher and a male NQT KS1 teacher. The previous 2 had retired and the staff were 100% female. There was something missing from the school that many of us couldn't put our finger on until the new staff started. Thankfully I think the OP is in the minority x

ZingSweetCoconut Sun 16-Mar-14 01:36:43

you know if after meeting him you can not stand the fact that he is there just switch nurseries, but don't say a thing, because I doubt anyone will understand you or sympathise with you.

best just to leave,

and I hope it doesn't sound rude as I'm not meaning to be.

worridmum Sun 16-Mar-14 01:36:59

Ploppy sadly she isnt in the minority everywhere in the country sad

macdoodle Sun 16-Mar-14 01:37:26

OP are you completely mad? Of course yabu....and crazy.

ZingSweetCoconut Sun 16-Mar-14 01:41:54

mac

why the name calling? OP has already said she'll try to take everything on board.

I know people think AIBU=fight club, but if OP felt weird about aale carer than it's a valid question and worth checking, isn't it?

now she knows she IBU.

YABVVVVU

It's already been said very eloquently but how dare you think of complaining about the new nursery worker based on gender? Your attitude is appalling and it's also appalling the people who are trying to be softly softly about telling you so.

You know what? The first nursery abuser who pops into my head is that WOMAN a few years ago who allowed the abuse of children in her care, in the nursery where she also placed her own sons, happened. A woman.

You don't have a gut instinct about this individual at all, you are being sexist. Grow up and be grateful that your sons see a male in a caring role - he is being a brilliant role model for them. Or, move. And don't say anything in case you put an innocent person's career in jeopardy

ZingSweetCoconut Sun 16-Mar-14 01:42:14

*a male

Yabu totally. at ds nursery there was a male nursery nurse. The kids loved him. He cried the day he left for a new job because he loved it so much. That's who I want looking after my kids, someone who cares male or female. You are being irrational.

Ploppy16 Sun 16-Mar-14 01:44:24

I don't know worrid, I think it may be a vocal minority. It tends to be the same type of 'hang them and flog them' lot who would protest outside a paediatricians house...

LettertoHermioneGranger Sun 16-Mar-14 01:45:11

YABVU.

If you actually met him and had a gut feeling, I would say yes, take your children out, but this isn't the case, this is just a preconceived and incorrect idea of male nursery/preschool workers.

I'm in the field and it's incredibly sad when I see my peers, men I've gone to school with, excellently educated and dedicated teaching professionals, met with distrust and fear and struggling to even be hired despite their qualifications.

Don't forget, they go through the same screening/background check/fingerprinting as any female worker.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 16-Mar-14 01:45:59

YABU, hugely so.

skitter Sun 16-Mar-14 01:46:36

I agree with other posters that a gut instinct has to be based on actually meeting the person, not just on gender. My ds has had several male childcare workers in his room at nursery. They have all been great, but if I met a childcare worker and felt uneasy about that person (rather than their gender), then I would speak with the centre managers. Suspicion of an entire gender is crazy.

Ploppy16 Sun 16-Mar-14 01:51:10

Another view. My nephew was extremely ill some years ago and totally dependant on medical staff for everything. The nurse who dealt the most with him in the HDU was male. This bloke, an old school friend of mine actually did everything for him when his parents were taking a much needed break. Is this weird or wrong? This man helped my nephew in every way and was responsible for dealing with intimate needs such as helping him to get to the toilet.
What would you do in that situation?

cafecito Sun 16-Mar-14 01:52:11

YAB very Unreasonable

By far the best staff in DS's nursery are men

I would also draw your attention to the recent nursery prosecutions - where WOMEN were abusing the children

go see your doctor and get some benzos if you are this anxious about a non event

Morloth Sun 16-Mar-14 01:53:38

OP what age will your children change into predators?

iphoneaddict Sun 16-Mar-14 01:56:50

OP here

In relation to a male nurse looking after my child - for some irrational reason this would not bother me

Ok so maybe I'm crazy!!

But I think all humans are irrational about some things. I'm terrified of spiders - I don't know why -rationally I know they can't hurt me but sometimes you feel a certain way even though you know it makes no sense!

LuisCarol Sun 16-Mar-14 01:58:33

Thank you, mn.

Ploppy16 Sun 16-Mar-14 01:58:40

Not crazy but buying into the myth that all men are bad. Read Morloth's post. Would you want someone to think of your own Sons in that way?

AveryJessup Sun 16-Mar-14 01:58:43

I hope nobody ever takes that attitude towards your sons if they choose to work in a caring role when they grow up. What an odd paranoid attitude you have.

GoshAnneGorilla Sun 16-Mar-14 01:59:49

YABU for the reasons already stated.

A better way to reassure yourself is to ask what safeguarding policies the nursery has in place. Abusive staff can be male or female and any decent nursery should have firm policies in place to protect both the children and staff.

JapaneseMargaret Sun 16-Mar-14 01:59:56

I thought you were going to tell us about an actual gut instinct, (as opposed to an out and out prejudice), but you haven't even met the man.

Be reasonable.

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