To want more sex

(524 Posts)
Billiam Wed 01-Jan-14 10:52:24

Lately DH and me have not had much sex. His libido is much lower than mine. Last couple of years his interest dropped to nothing. Talked lots and things have got better, but he said he did not want to feel he had to have sex a certain amount. But be said he would like it maybe once a month. Not enough for me, but I don't feel I can say this because it sounds like I am asking for a rota. Don't understand how he can know how often he will want it. I am afraid he just doesn't really want it at all but has decided he has to and has chosen a number he can put up with. Aibu

ChrisTheSheep Wed 01-Jan-14 10:55:44

I could have written your post! I wish I had an answer, but I'm afraid I don't (am 29 wks pregnant, and the last time we had sex was, well, 29 weeks ago). Counselling would probably be a help if your DH would agree to go (mine won't). Other than that, all I can do is wish you good luck.

AwfulMaureen Wed 01-Jan-14 11:01:40

As someone who is just like your DH I can sympathise with both of you OP. I like sex about once a month...that's plenty for me...I'm just not that interested in it....but I do find my DH attractive....we'v e had a compromise...I just don't always want the whole shebang...as in not always penatrative sex....so we have nights of massage and that leads on to other things but not always the whole hog. Could he get into a bit of that?

SugarMiceInTheRain Wed 01-Jan-14 11:04:31

YANBU to want more sex. I'm in the same boat. No answer here either - about once a month is enough for my DH and I spend most of time feeling frustrated as a result. It's been like this for ages - a couple of years easily. It's quite frankly a miracle we conceived (33 weeks pg) given that we are sub-fertile anyway and have sex so infrequently. I've given up making the first move as the feeling of rejection hurts too much so am 'coping' by burying my head in the sand and pretending it's ok. I suppose it's getting me accustomed to the inevitable post-baby sex drought grin I do wonder whether we'll ever get a decent sex life back though... My DH doesn't talk about things like this. Very communicative about other things but completely in denial about our sex life being crap.

Prettykitty111 Wed 01-Jan-14 11:07:15

Same here op. that's a great idea Maureen. I read somewhere once that once the hormones start to flow from non penetrative fun that people do start to want more sex. There was a woman who decided to have sex once a day for a year even if she wasn't in the mood and she ended up increasing her sex drive massively and she said once she'd started even if she wasn't in the mood she ended wanting it more afterwards. Right I'm off to get some massage oils wink

Balistapus Wed 01-Jan-14 11:08:14

My DH is like this, it's a lot more common than you would think.

DH is just not interested in it. We haven't had sex for about 18 months. He's very loving and affectionate, but not sexual. I accept the way it is because he is so wonderful in all other ways, but I've told him that I can't promise not to ever get those needs met elsewhere. He said he understands, but hopes I never do.

Another one in the same boat here, no idea what the solution is. Sex life has always been crap but since I had DD (another one wondering how the hell I managed to get pregnant given his lack of interest) he's stopped bothering at all.

WholeLottaRosie Wed 01-Jan-14 11:17:43

it's a lot more common than you would think

Probably not helped by the media implying all men are always 'up for it'.

Actually if you look on the Relationships board here it is a frequent topic. The sad thing is that if you are a woman and post that you aren't keen on sex you will get lots of replies along the lines of your partner shouldn't be pestering you....but if you post that your man isn't keen on sex the replies will always include "Do you think he might be gay?".

steff13 Wed 01-Jan-14 11:34:31

The media does lead us to believe that our husbands/partners should be coming onto us 24 hours a day, doesn't it? That's not really fair.

My best friend's husband had a reduced sex drive, and he had his testosterone tested, and it turned out it was low (they call it "low T," clever, eh?). He is on a treatment, and she says he has improved a lot. Could this be a problem for some of your partners?

SugarMiceInTheRain Wed 01-Jan-14 11:57:25

Balistapus sounds just like my DH - really affectionate and loving but not interested in sex. Lots of hugs but very little touching that could in any way be construed as sexual <sigh>

ChrisTheSheep Wed 01-Jan-14 12:13:15

Low testosterone could be a problem with my DH, though there's no way in the world he'd agree to be tested. Partly I think it's Catholic guilt: sex is something you do with bad, dirty girls, whereas wives (and especially mothers) are to be respected...

Writerwannabe83 Wed 01-Jan-14 12:34:26

My DH doesn't have a high sex drive at all - it used to be a huge issue in our relationship, caused fights and tears etc - probably because as has been said, the media portrays men should always be 'up for it' and if not then there must be something wrong with us women....

We talked about it a lot and it is no longer an issue - it is just something that 'is'. I don't put pressure on him or make him feel bad or make him feel like he's not a 'real man' etc - I just let it happen when it happens. I treat him the same way I'd expect him to treat me if I was the one without a high sex drive. We have a wonderful relationship, I love him to pieces and having irregular sex really isn't a huge problem, it's just the icing on the cake if it does happen smile

vanillavelvet Wed 01-Jan-14 13:21:53

I'm also in the same boat. Twice in the last two years I think hmm

It actually makes me feel a bit better to know that I'm not alone and that it is fairly common... I have no idea how to bring it up in conversation with DH. I feel a bit embarrassed.

AwfulMaureen Wed 01-Jan-14 13:42:42

Also general fitness and diet play a big part in it....men who aren't very physically fit won't feel horny much....same as women. If your husbands aren't fit then could that be it? Mine is a bloody gym freak....I'm not! Maybe if I got fitter lost a stone then I'd be more up for it!

vanillavelvet Wed 01-Jan-14 13:50:54

In the last 18 months my DH has gone from couch potato to triathlete!! All the training means he's never here in the evenings. Plus we have two small children and he works long hours... Maybe there just isn't time for anything else.

Blueuggboots Wed 01-Jan-14 14:05:27

My exH was like that - don't think it was his age as he admitted he'd never been massively into it although he was 11 years older than me (pushing 50). (And I'm not suggesting that older people can't/don't have active sex lives!!)
I do agree that catholic guilt played a part!
To get him interested involved what he called "whore" clothes (really short skirts, tight tops, sexy underwear, high heels) and dirty talking (sorry if tmi!!) and it made me feel I wasn't enough for him as I had to dress up and act to get him interested.
I slept with 2 different people after a year of marriage because I just couldn't get to grips with it!
I'm in a new relationship and it's lovely to have what I would class as a normal amount!
Another friend if mine had this problem and her (older) husband tested very low for testosterone.

bearleftmonkeyright Wed 01-Jan-14 16:02:50

Another one in the same boat here, my dp is very fit and it is great when it happens. It just isn't very often. I used to get really upset about it but I have accepted it. We have been together a long time and have three dc,s. Tbh this has been a massive relief to talk about it. Wish I had answer.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 01-Jan-14 16:07:12

My DH's dad is being treated for low testosterone - I often wonder if there can be a genetic factor but don't know how to bring it up.

I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant with our first baby and when we made the decision to TTC I was actually nervous about how things would go as having regular sex would be just so alien for us - saying that, we only ended up having sex 3 times around my fertile window (over the course of about 8 days) so it wasn't like we were rampant. Thankfully we got pregnant on our first cycle but we haven't DTD since.

Balistapus Wed 01-Jan-14 16:32:41

We also only DTD only to have a child and are planning on DTD later this year to have another.

We've talked the issue through, it's nothing to be ashamed of, although we don't tell people in RL! I've heard about low testosterone possibly being a cause so we may get DH tested at some point.

SugarMiceInTheRain Wed 01-Jan-14 22:41:58

Ironically my DH's sex drive has appeared to decline as he has become fitter and healthier (he was overweight but lost 5.5stone through healthy eating and exercise). Very frustrating that he looks the best he has in the 12 years we have been married, is more attractive to me than ever but is less interested in intimacy sad I doubt he would agree to testing, it was a bit of a battle to get tests done for fertility investigations never mind for something that he doesn't perceive to be a problem.

Chunderella Wed 01-Jan-14 23:38:58

Yanbu. Once a month would probably not be enough for most people, and it must be quite hurtful to feel that sex is a chore for your partner.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 01-Jan-14 23:42:23

I think the longest me and DH have gone is 8 months.

ChrisTheSheep Wed 01-Jan-14 23:47:29

You don't know you're born, Writer! wink We had a drought of about 2.5 years, managed a couple of times, and conceived DS2. I'm guessing drought number 2 is going to last at least 3 years....

ChrisTheSheep Wed 01-Jan-14 23:48:14

Once a month would be amazing.

clara26 Wed 01-Jan-14 23:52:10

My dp is like that too, normally we have sex once every couple of months, this week it's like my birthday as we are ttc so are dtd daily! I'm a couple of times a week kinda girl!

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