To find attachment parents pretty blooming judgemental and smug

(214 Posts)
rowtunda Thu 04-Jul-13 16:01:32

Or is it just me.

Raise your childhowever you want, different mums & different babies etc etc but at the moment I seem to be getting exponents of gentle parenting, attachment parenting, co sleeping, baby wearing ramming it all down my throat, sharing links on facebook to articles about how much they pity parents who use CC, etc etc

Mumsnet also seems to also be full of people who recommend these parenting styles i.e. sitting in a drak room for hours holding your
toddlers hand in a darkened room until they fall sleep, condemning people who use sleep training methods, want an evening sans child etc etc.

Maybe its just all the mums I know who are doing this 'parenting style' are a teensy but self righteous. I think it really annoys me because of the insinuation that I have failed my child (not responding to their needs/breaking the maternal bond etc) by
doing it another way.

I am prepared to be flamed - but does anyone else out their feel the same.

Fine if you want to be an attachment parent but please stop preaching on about it like you have reinvented the wheel!

mrsjay Thu 04-Jul-13 16:27:02

I did the Bitsa style Bit a this bit a that grin

YouTheCat Thu 04-Jul-13 16:27:38

I don't get why some parents need to find out how to parent from books. Surely it's a learn as you go kind of experience? hmm

I don't care how others have done it. However anyone who preaches anything at me would be given short shrift.

YouTheCat Thu 04-Jul-13 16:28:31

And mine are now 18 and I haven't maimed them yet. grin

ARealDame Thu 04-Jul-13 16:29:04

sometimes.

I think it depends. Some parents arrive at AP in an attempt to survive the shitstorm that is colic - and they might be the least judgy parents you could meet after having the romantic idea of babyhood decimated over 3 long months.

YummyYummyYum Thu 04-Jul-13 16:38:32

There are annoying people and nice people. They can use any method and I do not care. YANBU because sometimes people like to be a bit 'evangelical' about whatever they think its the 'best' AP, Gina Ford, Vegans, any religion --actually maybe not any religion as I have never met an 'evangelical' Buddhist, Hindu or Jewish person.

neontetra Thu 04-Jul-13 16:40:56

I think there are parents coming from all perspectives who are totally unable to accept that anyone who does things differently from them may have a point. But this is true not just in parenting, but in many areas. Some people are unreflective, unempathic, small minded, arrogant and smug. Just try to avoid and ignore them, and don't let them undermine you.

See, I would never claim that the fact that my daughter, at nearly 15 months, still bfs to sleep, is a good thing! Could have tried to teach her to self-soothe, didn't, not proud, not ashamed, it's just us and our relationship. Ditto how I weaned her and everything really. If they are as well and happy as they can be, then I reckon we're all doing a good enough job!

Potterer Thu 04-Jul-13 16:41:54

I did non-AP with ds1 an AP with ds2 for lots of different reasons.

But I would like to feel I am non-judgmental on the way any one parents, I am firmly in the do what suits you camp, stuff what anyone else thinks. My sister did CC with her children, it worked for her.

I always think, this is your child, and no one is living in your shoes right now to be able to judge the decisions you make. What is easy to do with one baby might be difficult to recreate with a baby and a toddler, or twins etc.

Ignore anything that you don't agree with on FB.

YABU - anybody who has a label for their parenting is smug, not just attachment parenting. People who preach about CC or 'routines' are just as smug as those who do AP. You are unreasonable if you can't see that.

For the record, I veered more towards the AP than the other way because CC and routines didn't work and CC particularly was horrible for me and horrible for DS1 (didn't bother with DS2 after the epic fail first time round). There were plenty of people to make me feel bad about not using those methods though. There are judgy people at all points on the spectrum.

mrsjay Thu 04-Jul-13 16:48:53

And mine are now 18 and I haven't maimed them yet.

see that is how you know how you did a good job by not maiming them and they get to adulthood unscathed grin

sydlexic Thu 04-Jul-13 16:49:28

I did AP, though I wasn't aware of it at the time, it was just my instinct. I do hate CC and think it is a mistake but I keep my opinion to myself unless asked.

I don't judge anyone who is doing their best.

mrsjay Thu 04-Jul-13 16:53:38

although i do think parents can parents how they see fit I do find it odd that they insist their way is the right way and never veer off the path, babies do not come with manuals I always wonder if parents who adopt a style it something doesn't work out then keep trying and making them and baby distressed baby rearing is all about compormise IME

DuelingFanjo Thu 04-Jul-13 16:56:16

you can hide them on facebook - it's really simple.

Or not read the links.

There was a really good blog recently (possibly a mumsnet blog) about not letting yourself feel judged by other people, just be confident in your parenting style and stop worrying/judging other people who do it differently.

DuelingFanjo Thu 04-Jul-13 16:57:52
BeCool Thu 04-Jul-13 17:02:53

YABU - it's not all about YOU!

This may help grin

BeCool Thu 04-Jul-13 17:03:17

oops X posts with duelingFanjo

CuppaSarah Thu 04-Jul-13 17:03:44

The only type of parents who I find smug, judgemental and just a chore to be with are the competitive ones.

Even worse are the ones who compete to be the most laid back, child centered and non-competitive ones.

titzup Thu 04-Jul-13 17:09:58

I get sick of this debate, the most pointless thing ever. Today someone writes a post 'everyone on mumsnet looks down on AP'ers', next day, 'everyone on mumsnet looks down on CC'ers'.

And the idea that many people at all actually pick 'a style' out of the range available and stick to it forever!? Seriously, how many? I get labelled as a lentil weaver for slinging and cosleeping, but then a hardass for putting my incredibly heavy child in a buggy now! People dub me as lazy for not putting my child to bed at a set time, but then claim I'm 'making work for myself' by doing this.

Newsflash - I'm none of things, I'm me, getting on with my life....so suck it!

Why do so many people get hung up on it? Agree that if you think you're being judged by the facebook sharers stuff...look in the mirror for the root of that problem!

pinkballetflats Thu 04-Jul-13 17:10:25

I find any parent who is smug about anything (and that includes "I know what Im doing and Im going to shove my opinion down your throat even though you haven't asked for it" grandparents) bloody annoying. Ill do what works fir me and my family TYVM. smile

humdumaggapang Thu 04-Jul-13 17:13:39

Don't hate AP as such, just the fact we seem to need to 'label' different forms of parenting. I know what you mean about the smugness though, I've come across that once or twice and just ignored it. I just couldn't 'babywear' either, also a term I hate, but each to their own.

Debsndan Thu 04-Jul-13 17:14:04

YANBU. I was like this with DC1. Twins soon battered that out of me. AP/Gentle Parenting etc just doesn't translate easily into anything that can be put into practical use with lots of very small children. Routine and firm boundaries do.
Of course I could just try harder, like the AP woman I saw blogging, with twins and triplets born very close together, who was determined to feed them ALL herself, and just locked herself away in a room.
I think it's the martyrdom of AP/GP that's equally annoying - like of circumstances (or hanging on to your sanity by the skin of your teeth) dictate that another way is tight for your family, then you've just not tried hard enough.

crashdoll Thu 04-Jul-13 17:14:19

I loathe the term "attachment parent" but would not wish to make a sweeping statement about a group of people. The name alone does appear quite smug as a previous poster said, are other parents unattached?!

SigmundFreud Thu 04-Jul-13 17:16:56

Hello seems to me that there is a lot of 'smugness' as OP called it but in my experience this is from all sorts of parents. I am regularly shocked at how smug and judgemental a lot of parents are. Until I became a parent I had no idea how competitive a lot of people are about their parenting.

Rest assured any I meet will get a thorough analysis grin.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Thu 04-Jul-13 17:17:17

I think I get what the OP means - it does feel to me like there is more of a judgy attitude towards CC etc than co-sleeping on MN. But I think this may be because of a reaction to how 'society' views these things. People are viewed as being odd doing attachment parenting (you're still breastfeeding??? you baby sleeps in your bed???) so I can understand a defensive attitude being taken. This can sometimes overspill into an offensive attitude towards other parenting styles.

MrsLouisTheroux Thu 04-Jul-13 17:20:02

Tee: Because if you truly believe your choices are correct? What everyone else does wouldn't bother you.

Absolutely. If the people OP is talking about were truly confident that they were doing the right thing, different choices wouldn't bother them.
They would feel absolutely no need to constantly parade their choices about on social media or in public.

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