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To be annoyed at my SIL??(289 Posts)
I had a baby last week, by c section. DH and I have had no visitors apart from the midwife and my mum for an hour while still in hospital. DHs mum wants to visit but is 2.5 hours away by public transport. We said not yet, to give me a chance to recover and also get the hang of feeding her. I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while- we are in a flat so there is little space.
DH received a text from his sister saying that we had upset his mum and she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter. She says we are being unreasonable and life is too short to wait another couple of weeks.
I'm tired, emotional, sore and sensitive and just don't want people I'm not normally comfortable around in my space- we don't get on that well. AIBU in just saying no for a little while longer? SIL knows that my mum has visited and said that evidences my willingness to have visits but that I am just being picky about who. That's kind of true- I'm a lot more comfortable with my own mother and even then she's only been for an hour!
I wasn't feeling particularly low but do now- feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed. AIBU??
I was hormonal and emotional too when I had my babies. I loved it when my family visited and hated DH's family anywhere near my DC, especially MIL and SIL, but I put up and shut up for DH sake. However I was no pushover and had to be firm when they tried to go against my wishes (finger in the mouth and kissing on the lips etc). So much easier to tell your own family than ILS. DH was really good though and had a word when SIL visited everyday after she finished work.
You have to try to take a step back and give an inch but don't let them take a mile IYSWIM.
FYI mil is a wonderful woman but I needed my mum more than anything as I knew her focus was me, not baby.
Sil is being interfering but I would be gutted not to see a new grandchild. I'm sure she doesn't want entertaining, she's not even coming to see you so much as the new addition to the family...I would be sad to be denied that - sorry...
I hope, hope that when my son has his babies, I will get to see them as newborns.
YABU I'm afraid. I understand wanting space, but everyone wants to meet a new baby, especially the grandparents.
All the madness of visitors soon dies off and you're left to your own devices, so for the sake of peace within the family just let her visit and enjoy this special time.
But redtractor the MIL isn't actually putting on any pressure, the baby is a week old and the MIL has just asked when she can visit, that isn't pressure it's just totally normal behaviour. Newborn babies are lovely that's why people want to see them.
jammiedonut similar with my IL's. My DM helps loads after both DC's were born. Couldn't manage with her.
DH used to moan that FIL should move near to us and come round whenever he wants, cos DM is round here all the time (cleaning, feeding, nappy changing). So i said that's fine, he can share the chores with DM. (FIL does nothing, apart from make us run around after him and extract money from us) He soon saw my point and no longer goes on about it.
It is very easy on these threads to look at your own experience and project that onto what is happening with the OP. whilst it is useful to get other perspectives no where on this thread has the OP said that her MIL has ranted, demanded to come over or even a whisper of competitive grannying. It has all come about as a result of a text from the SIL (who should be able to say to her brother that their mother is upset - ideally not in a text)
We don't know what the MIL has said or done, it sounds as though she would just like to visit her son, DIL and see the new baby. Only the OP will know how she will be. What is wrong with that? Her son can talk to her and explain how the OP is feeling and agree something that hopefully keeps everyone happy.
If she had shown no interest, how would have felt honestly? This is a new experience for the father too.
If you cared for your MIL you would have found a way to facilitate a short visit from her.
Me too nfk I also just can't imagine stopping DH from introducing his first child to his parents.
Cravey I agree with you, first visitors to hospital were my mum and dad and DMIL, all came together and went out for a meal afterwards. It's like what one of the other posters said, mil is just as much family as your mum no difference. Would your mil not help out a bit when she came to visit. I used to love it when my mum or mil came round as they would look after the baby while I went for a sleep or bath.
MrsLyman not stopping MIL from ever seeing the baby, just delaying by a couple of weeks until she feels a bit better.
'The relationship you have with your Mum is completely different.'
Completely agree with this. From the OP's mums' perspective, her DD has undergone fairly major surgery and it is only natural she wants to be with her child. I think the MIL needs to be a bit more understanding and the SIL is massively out of order - at the very least she should have rang her brother. I can understand why MIL feels like she is being denied access to her grandchild but lets be honest tiny babies are boring as shit to other people. There will be plenty of opportunities when the OP is fully recovered and the baby is a little older when both grannies can bond with their grandchild. So no the OP is NBU.
I know she will meet him eventually, but I know my DH would have been really upset if I'd put his parents off from visiting as he's really close to them.
To be fair it doesn't sound as though mil has done anything wrong really. She's understandably a bit sad at having to wait a bit but hasn't put any pressure on OP. It's the sil who has stuck her snout in!
Tiny babies aren't boring as shit to their grandmothers!
I don't see why she can't stay in bed and recover while dh introduces his baby to his mum. It is a very special moment and it seems a bit extreme to deny it.
Having a child invariably introduces all sorts of new permutations into relationships that may be complicated from the start.
Your MIL is no longer just your MIL, she is also the baby's grandmother and they will (hopefully) go on to have a relationship together that will be all their own and not of your making.
Your relationship with your mother will be closer than with your MIL, but to the baby they are both his grandmothers.
Your dh is no longer just your dh, he is also the baby's father and will also have ideas of what he wants as a father and what he wants for his baby.
And in relationship to his mother, he is no longer just her son but also the father of her grandchild.
And in all this, you are also still feeling vulnerable and fragile.
The only advice I can give is to be as tactful as possible and get your dh to negotiate as much as he can. If you really don't feel up to it, let him exaggerate your physical state slightly. If there is anything he can do to make a potential visit easier- like taking her out to lunch as suggested by one poster- then let him do it.
Also as a mil my dil was my number one concern. Yes the baby was lovely but she had a hard labour and I wanted to help in terms of housework, cooking cleaning etc. I find the mil hatred horrid if I'm honest. We're not all like dragons. Imagine if the op husband had said no to her mother coming. There would be uproar. This is her grandchild an extension of her son and would imagine she is gutted. I know I would be. Also I agree babies are boring but I will be forever grateful to my dil that she allowed me to watch my grandson being born and spend time with him after birth.
"the MIL has just asked when she can visit, that isn't pressure it's just totally normal behaviour. "
and the OP and her DH have told her. And then she's moaned about it to SIL.
Anyway - I still think the OP's husband should respond telling MIL that she can come for an hour and then leave. If she wants what the OP's mother has, if it's a competition or something, then let her have it to keep the peace. But don't involve the SIL.
Ignore SIL and get DH to ring his mother and work things out. Don't justify having your mother at the hospital-it's perfectly understandable that you would want to see your own mother after scary surgery, and quite different from seeing an in-law. I don't think your wishes and needs should be disregarded here, or put last in the order of priorities. But I think your MIL understandably wants a bit of reassurance, and the chance to come over soon.
YABU. She is your husband's mother and your child's grandmother. I fully understand that you are more comfortable with your mum (believe me, I understand!). But you need to treat all grannies equally (unless there is an abusive personality involved).
A section is a big thing to recover from (again, I know - emergency after 30 hr labour), but you could put up with her for a couple of hours surely?
I do not think that you are being unreasonable. You have just had a major op. you have a new baby and your hormones will be all over the place and you are probably exhausted as well.
I don't get what is so wrong with just wanting some peace and quiet until you feel ready for visitors. So what if you let your mum visit? fgs, she is your mum and you are bound to feel more comfortable in her company!
I understand that it is more difficult because it is a longer journey for your MIL so you cannot easily ask her to leave after an hour if you are feeling the need to do so, but could you not retire to the bedroom with baby and leave MIL in the care of your DH?
Unfortunately I had my MIL come and stay several times a year, every time I came home with my new baby she would be there. I found it intrusive and awkward and it definitely impacted on our family bonding, so I guess my POV is a bit affected by that.
YANBU. Your DD is not the property of the family.
When I was in your position as a new mother after a traumatic delivery I felt very vunerable and was railroaded into visits from close friends and inlaws that I didn't want. It turned out DD was ill and needed hospital readmission, bf was failing and my mental health took a long time to recover. It was truly the most stressful period of my entire life. I really didn't need people enforcing their 'right' to view my baby, I'm sure you don't either. Focus on establishing your feeding and getting to know your LO.
You are absolutely right to put your own feelings first on this one. Some people really do think you produced a child just so that they can view it at their leisure.
Am I the the only person who wasn't dying a week after birth, I have had an emergency C section, a planned section and a normal birth and even after the emergency although feeling tender I wasn't lying in bed half dead, I was up and about, I know people wont like what I'm saying here but stop being so fucking precious.
Suck it up, invite your MIL, get your DH to buy some cake and make her a cup of tea and be proud when this lady who obviously loves her DS gazes at your wonderful baby, it's such a precious time having a newborn, please don't let your MIL miss out.
I also have to add that if I had tried at any time to dictate to my DH that his parents couldn't see our DCs he would have quite rightly informed me that I was unhinged and a bit controlling.
Could SiL not arrange to drive her Mum down for a few hours then take her ome again later or even pick her up te following day?
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