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to ask for positive pnd outcome stories?

(483 Posts)
CailinDana Wed 22-May-13 16:41:08

Have finally admitted i have pnd. I've had depression before so i know i have a slow road to recovery ahead. I would so appreciate anyone else's stories of how they overcame pnd. I need some reassurance at the moment.

CailinDana Wed 22-May-13 19:29:48

Thank you so much for sharing your stories it really does help.

Latara Wed 22-May-13 20:40:19

I've not had PND (no children yet) but i'm recovering from Depression (again) this time with a Psychotic Episode.

I can't begin to understand what PND is like obviously, but hopefully my story may help a bit.

I take Venlafaxine M/R, now increased to 300mg daily, as an AD; and i take Aripiprazole 15mg as an Anti-Psychotic.

The Venlafaxine is good, i originally took 225mg - it took 12 WEEKS to fully kick in though, and since having to increase the dose at the beginning of May this year i'm expecting it to take as long to fully take effect.
I still feel 'flat' but not as depressed as i was in April.
But i do feel very drowsy both due to the depression and the increase in meds.

The Aripiprazole has worked so far for the Psychosis although i initially got some 'breakthrough' symptoms.

I'm under the care of an NHS Psychiatrist and can phone the duty CCO or Crisis Team if necessary. I've seen a Psychologist in the past but this time it's only meds that can really help.
I was referred to the Psychiatrist by my GP about 4 years ago now when the depression first got bad.

I can't begin to understand how PND feels or what that is like; but what i've gone through is very bad - depression is shitty and messes up your life. But you can get through the other side.

My depression is Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder which is different to PND; hopefully you will get better once you have the correct treatment and it won't recur. Good luck x

formicadinosaur Wed 22-May-13 20:50:28

Sorry have to be quick - got to go out. Was very teary when my baby boy was 6 months (DS2). Talked to my midwife and ended up having CBT therapy over the phone once a week for 8 weeks. It really helped me move forward. I managed to list and change many of the things I was struggling with - my thought patterns, sleep arrangments, got a cleaner, learnt to say do less, started to look after myself in various ways. I'm a year and a half down the line and am 85% better. Almost there!

It will pass, theres lots you can do to help yourself.

Latara Wed 22-May-13 20:55:25

I meant to add that there are different types of ADs which work for different people.

I initially tried Citalopram then Sertraline, which are both SSRIs they work on the Serotonin in the brain.

The Venlafaxine is an SNRI which works on both Serotonin and Noradrenaline - Drs may try one type initially and see what works best for you.

LaQueen Wed 22-May-13 22:35:16

So sorry to hear this Cailin. I promise you PND does go away, sooner or later. It doesn't last. You will recover.

I was diagnosed with PND, just 3 weeks after DD1 was born. To be honest, I knew something was very wrong, before I'd even left the hopsital.

Within just those few days I went from being a very confident, outgoing, capable girl, who took the world in her stride - to a tearful, helpless wreak who couldn't even cope with getting herself showered/dressed in the morning.

Every day I was crippled with swooping feelings of despair, and felt like I was just falling down an endless deep black hole, that had no bottom. Whenever I looked at DD1 I just felt numb, or blind panic. I kept her beautifully clean, and dressed and very well fed...but, I just felt numb towards her, there was no bond, nothing sad

My GP was excellent, diagnosed PND and put me on anti-ds. These did work, in that they switched off all the feelings of despair/panic - which enabled me to function, again. And, through being able to function again, and do routine tasks I think my mind was kinda tricked into assuming I was getting better...and it became a self fulfillling prophecy IYSWIM?

DD1 was 5 months old, before I felt the first inklings of love/concern for her. I remember it so clearly, we were in a rowing boat on Ullswater, and I realised I was actually worried that the boat might tip, and she might come to harm. This was such a relief to me, and I actually cried because up until then I had thought I was some kind of monster because I couldn't feel anything for my baby.

That was the turning point. Gradually over the next months I slowly fell in love with DD1, although there were still black days, when the despair came back. And, even when I was convinced I was cured...looking back, I realise I clearly wasn't. For a very long time I was very rigid in my routines/behaviour and flew into a rage/panic if my routine was disrupted.

But, I can honestly say that by the time DD1 reached 2.5, I was genuinely cured, and back to my normal self smile

Nowadays, I just think DD1 is utterly beautiful in every way (which she is), and I love her so much that it sometimes catches at my throat when I breath. And, although I hate my PND for stealing those first months/years from me, in a way it has made me appreciate DD1 so much more, and I never take the love I feel for her, for granted.

LaQueen Wed 22-May-13 22:46:31

Sorry, forgot to add Cailin, please don't worry about your DD, she really won't remember a thing.

From being a very tiny little girl, DD1 has always told me 'I love you, more than my heart, Mummy' - and she is the sunniest natured, most affectionate child you could ever hope to meet. My HV assured me that DD1 couldn't be such a sunny, loving toddler if she didn't feel completely loved and secure.

So I can't think that my PND damaged her in any way (which I was terrified of at the time)

flippinada Wed 22-May-13 22:50:29

I had very severe PND. Am off to bed now (up at sparrowfart) but am marking my place so I can do a proper post later.

Sending you kind thoughts Cailin PND is so tough.

Just briefly, I remember one of my CPNs saying to me, when I was in the absolute depths "I can't say this to all my clients but I promise you this, you will get better".

I hope you can take some small comfort from that. Apols if it sounds fatuous.

Oopla Wed 22-May-13 22:54:57

Cailindana- I remember you from stately homes. Sorry to hear your feeling down just now.

To throw another angle at this I think sometimes at different points in our life our children bring up points in our own childhoods that cause us to feel quite dark. You are a fantastic mum, remember you speaking about your ds. You'll come through this and your relationship with dd will be just as close and caring.

I had quite a turbulent 12 months with both my boys but It passed. It does get better but is slow, and sometimes moves back a little before coming forward.

Keep talking xx

BustyDeLaGhetto Wed 22-May-13 22:58:49

Hi Cailin so sorry to hear you are suffering. I had severe PND with something called Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia which is about as much fun as it sounds.

They were very dark days but I am improving. I'm SHATTERED so going to bed now but I wrote about this once for a magazine and it'salso published on my blog - I'm not going to spam up your thread with links but can email you a linky if you wanted to see the post - it's intended to be a positive story even if it reading it does sound about as much fun as swallowing a pine cone.

REMEMBER A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE OF THE BODY DOES NOT EQUAL A WEAKNESS IN THE MIND.

Big Hugs.

castlesintheair Wed 22-May-13 22:59:24

I first developed depression in my early teens (or younger) and it manifested itself into PND. I was really very ill with it. I was on ADs and had counselling for a while. The best thing though were the changes I made to my life i.e. severing family ties that were at the root of my problems. My eldest DC is nearly 12 and I have never been happier. My DCs are completely unaffected by it. That could partly be because I have always been very good at hiding things and I was fortunate enough to bond with them all and love them from the start. It was just everything else that was wrong.

It's awful now but it won't last and you will get better. Don't be afraid to get all the help you need.

BustyDeLaGhetto Wed 22-May-13 22:59:56

P.s Like flippinada I was also told the same thing. It WILL get better.

LittleMissLucy Wed 22-May-13 23:20:59

I had it and it wore off, eventually. There is light at the end of the tunnel and for me it was reached largely through gaining the chance to sleep. My DH and I had to be very kind to each other and take shift naps to catch up on bad nights. It took a while.

pinkballetflats Wed 22-May-13 23:42:03

It does go away, and I have a wonderful relationship with DC now. Do you have support OP? Lack of support and judgement I found just made it worse.

Be kind to yourself. Things do get better. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Avoid anyone who judges you and endeavours to use it as a way to manipulate you.

It WILL get better.

domesticslattern Wed 22-May-13 23:46:40

Others have said it so well already, acknowledging that you have PND is the most important part of getting well again.
I had roaring PND with DD1, so bad that once a stranger took me into her house when she found me literally sat in the gutter with both me and baby crying our eyes out. I think it was very dark for only a couple of months, especially around 4-6 months iirc, then gradually we started to get it together, benefit from counselling, get out and about a little. Do try to be honest with friends and family and reach out and accept their help. I found gentle exercise helped me, good diet, sleeping, time to myself. I also found something very reassuring on mn, where a poster theorised that different mothers find different stages of childhood easier or harder to parent. I thought, maybe I am not a monumentally terrible mother full stop, maybe I am just not all that good at parenting babies. Maybe I will find older children easier- and amazingly that is what has happened.
There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, be kind to yourself, it will come, even if it doesn't feel that way now. Many many many of us have trod the same path, you are not alone.

emblosion Thu 23-May-13 00:17:52

Like LaQueen said ^ I knew something was wrong before even leaving the hospital with ds & was diagnosed with pnd at about 3/4 weeks after he was born.

I was utterly terrified that I was actually losing my mind, that I would somehow hurt him or myself and at my worst I couldn't bear to be alone. He was probably about 3 months old before I felt at all like I had bonded with him. That does still make me sad, but I know he doesn't remember.

He's coming up to 12 months now and he's a great little boy, I love him like nothing else, like he's part of me. It sort of crept up on me in degrees.

I am still on sertraline, and that has really helped me. Other things I found helpful were being as honest as I could be about how I was feeling with friends and family, accepting help etc & taking one moment at a time - everything passes, you WILL feel better. Hang in there x

emblosion Thu 23-May-13 00:21:53

And, yes as others have said, more people than you'd ever suspect have been through v similar - you are not alone.

Final tip - its not a straight road to recovery, expect ups & downs etc, but you'll get there. One day you'll just realise you feel like yourself again smile

CailinDana Thu 23-May-13 07:54:03

Thank you all. Facing into another day. Dd has her jabs today. Dreading it.

LaQueen Thu 23-May-13 08:31:37

Domestic don't know whether it was my post which helped you, but I've often thought and written about how I was pretty useless at the baby/toddler stage - but felt I really came into my own once they started school.

Yet, I have friends who adored the baby/toddler stage - but nowadays aren't enjoying their 7/8/9 year olds nearly as much.

Growing up I was never very girly, or into babies, or baby dolls. I was always very bookish, loved peace and quiet and was quite an independent person who liked spontaneity. It only stands to reason that I would find it so hard to adapt to having a newborn.

CailinDana Thu 23-May-13 08:37:32

I think i'm similar laqueen.

LaQueen Thu 23-May-13 08:39:52

Cailin my HV went through a test with me (can't remember what it was called), and I basically ticked just about all the classic pre-indicators of someone prone to PND.

She actually said 'Well, I would have been more surprised if you hadn't got PND, to be honest'

CailinDana Thu 23-May-13 09:02:33

Thing is, i was fine when ds was a baby.

CailinDana Thu 23-May-13 09:07:25

I'm wishing these days away. I know i'll regret that.

Weegiemum Thu 23-May-13 09:15:57

Your HV or GP can do the "Edinburgh" test with you. It's easy to find online too. This is a good example and includes the scoring. Scoring 10 means depression. I scored 29 first time!! But am better now.

LaQueen Thu 23-May-13 09:22:53

Cailin a lot of the boxes I ticked were to do with what had happened in my life during the previous 12 months before DD1 was born.

In that year I had suffered a miscarriage, moved house, got married, and 2 GPs had died. My HV said that all those upheavels, coupled with my type of personality - just meant that by the time DD1 arrived I just had no resources left to cope with yet another upheavel.

Could it be that your life has been more stressful for a while, this time around with your DD?

domesticslattern Thu 23-May-13 13:07:43

Yes Lequeen I think it was you. I took a great deal of solace from that five years ago.

The funny thing Cailin is that I don't regret wishing the days away. I feel sad yes that things turned out that way, but not regret. When I recovered, my primary feeling was total awe at my own strength for getting through, and a total determination to love my daughter to bits. I felt a great deal of kindness for my old depressed self, far from beating myself up/ regret/ anger. I had been mentally ill, not weak, not a loser. I hope you have a similar experience.

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