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to just say "I do want another child but I had a MC" when people ask "so are you going to have another one?"

(164 Posts)
icklemssunshine1 Mon 20-May-13 13:13:30

Had a MMC in February. Still finding it hard to cope with, have good days & bad but have an incredibly supportive family & BFF so I know I'll get through it (& obviously my gorgeous 22 month DD who I adore more than words can say).

Anyway when I first had the MC I was asked wen visiting my mum in her home by a carer "when will you have another?". I stuttered "hopefully in the future" & went home & cried my eyes out. Since then I've had a number of people ask.

The reason why I'm posting is yesterday at soft play another mum whose child was playing with my DD asked "so will you have another?". I said "Hopefully but as I'm 3 months post MC I'm still not ready". She was obviously uncomfortable & said "sorry". My DH said I shouldn't have said anything as I made her feel uncomfortable but how about how people are making me feel? I feel like my heart is being stabbed again when I'm keep being asked that question.

So should I tell the truth or just fake a smile & say " blah blah in the future" whilst inside I'm crying?

Patchouli Mon 20-May-13 13:15:27

yanbu
It does these people no harm to learn that it is, actually, rude to ask.

Smartieaddict Mon 20-May-13 13:16:38

Tell the truth. If people ask personal questions then its their tough luck if a truthful answer makes them uncomfortable. Sorry for your loss.

OHforDUCKScake Mon 20-May-13 13:19:15

Its rude to ask if they want anymore babies? Ive asked this before, Ive never considered it rude.

YANBU OP, sorry for your loss.

Jinty64 Mon 20-May-13 13:19:49

No, you are quite right to tell them. I'm sure she was just making conversation but you take your chances asking something like that.

icklemssunshine1 Mon 20-May-13 13:20:16

Thanks. I said to DH that its rude to ask as its such a personal question but he says people are just being friendly & making conversation. Maybe they could ask questions about something else (something boring like the weather!!) if they're trying to be friendly. All out close friends & family know but why do strangers feel the need to ask? I do want to be honest. I actually felt quite liberated when I told the truth instead of feeling like I was lying and betraying the little bump we did have for 12 weeks.

OrangeFireandGoldashes Mon 20-May-13 13:20:41

You didn't make her feel uncomfortable. She opened herself up to the possibility of making herself feel uncomfortable by asking a personal question which was none of her business.

I'm very sorry to hear you lost your baby.

magimedi Argentina Mon 20-May-13 13:20:51

YANBU

People should not ask such personal questions.

Sorry for you loss.

icklemssunshine1 Mon 20-May-13 13:22:46

Thanks for duckscakes. I know I'm being overly sensitive and I think I most likely asked this question pre-MC & its I ly now it's happened that I think it's rude. Think I'll develop a thicker skin, a back bone & answer honestly (& maybe say I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable but that's the truth).

Teapot13 Mon 20-May-13 13:23:16

I agree it's not polite to ask but I would save your response for someone who is more-than-average rude/pushy about it. It isn't right, but some people get so caught up in baby/toddler life that they ask without meaning any harm.

Sorry about your loss.

Quodlibet Mon 20-May-13 13:23:16

YANBU. MC doesn't get talked about often enough and I think it does us all good to have it out in the open more often and to challenge the fluffy myth that all pregnancies end in healthy babies. You don't owe it to anyone asking personal questions to make sure they are comfortable at the expense of yourself.

valiumredhead Mon 20-May-13 13:23:34

It is immensely rude to ask about future babies.

If a woman doesn't have children, or a single child, it is for one of 2 reasons - they can't have anymore or are having problems ttc, or they have chosen not to have any/just stick at one. Either way it is NONE of anyone's business unless the person offers up the information.

Quite frankly I am glad I am nearly menopause and people have stopped asking me if I will have another!

thanks OP x

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It may have made her feel uncomfortable, but if we only ever said the things that people wanted to hear, it would be an awful world to live in.

People are bound to ask that question when you have already got one young child - by being honest with them you may prevent them from asking again the next time they see you, and they also know that you've suffered a MC, so may be more respectful if ever discussing that subject in front of you.

I am very sorry for your loss.

icklemssunshine1 Mon 20-May-13 13:23:47

Thank you to everyone for your kind words.

YANBU at all, it's a common question but a very personal and prying one imo. Whenever I get asked I just say "We can't have any more" and they always look rather taken aback.

I'm sorry you had a MMC and of course your lost baby is important to you. I think your response is very dignified and will hopefully make people think twice before asking someone else.

WilsonFrickett Mon 20-May-13 13:24:09

Sometimes people think they're making small talk, when actually they're asking deeply personal questions. And this is one of those occasions, isn't it? My friend's baby is only a month old and she's already been asked that question. When someone is showing you their new car, no-one says don't 'oh isn't it nice, when are you going to buy another one?', do they?

So I don't think you're being U to say what you actually feel. But to be fair, I wouldn't think the other person is U to not know how to respond, iyswim?

And I'm very sorry for your loss.

exexpat Mon 20-May-13 13:24:23

No, yanbu. I have a four-year gap between my two but it wasn't meant to be that long.

I got PG when the older one was two, it turned out to be a molar pregnancy, so no baby and I was very ill, in and out of hospital for months, and monitored for a year afterwards before I was allowed to TTC again.

I had a few comments during that time about it not being a good idea to leave big gap before DC2, so I did occasionally have to mention that actually, it's not always that simple...

Most people are just being thoughtless when they come out with things like that, so I never tried to make them feel bad, just maybe make them think twice before asking anyone else the same thing.

TheSecondComing Mon 20-May-13 13:27:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

icklemssunshine1 Mon 20-May-13 13:27:43

Thanks everyone. I always hear wise words on MN, that's why I posted!

ex expat, so sorry for what you went through but it makes me hopeful for the future that you went on to have another healthy baby smile

OrangeFireandGoldashes Mon 20-May-13 13:28:41

OHforDucks, I consider it rude, or at best far too personal and none of my or anyone else's business. For all we know the individual or couple may really want another but they may be undergoing treatment for secondary infertility, the breadwinner's job might be at risk so finances are dictating not, the relationship might be on the rocks....there could be dozens of reasons why another child might be much-longed-for but not currently, or worst case scenario ever, achievable. Why on earth should the people going through any of those reasons be reminded of it by at best well-meaning but insensitive / at worst downright nosy bystanders, or feel they have to lie rather than be left feeling guilty thinking they have made those asking the personal question feel uncomfortable?

TallGiraffe Mon 20-May-13 13:28:48

YANBU.

It is such a horrible question to ask. From experience the people that ask are those that have never had problems conceivingthey just don't realise the pain that answering it causes.

Goo luck and sorry for your loss flowers

TallGiraffe Mon 20-May-13 13:29:12

good obviously blush

YANBU. (a) if they feel uncomfortable/embarrassed then perhaps it will encourage them to think twice before asking personal questions in future, and (b) we should really talk more about miscarriage. It wasn't until I had my first that I realised how many women I knew had had one but not mentioned it before -- like joining some particularly crap secret society.

Sorry about your mc -- I know it's tough.

BackforGood Mon 20-May-13 13:29:45

I am sorry for your loss, but agree it's a 'general chit chat and conversation' question when you are talking to the parents of toddlers. It's entirely up to you if you tell them about the mc or not - depends if it upsets you more to do so, or not to do so. I wouldn't worry about if it will upset the 'asker' or not though as, if you do ask questions like that in conversation, you know you are always going to run the risk of hearing sad news.

Scholes34 Mon 20-May-13 13:29:53

At an ante-natal appointment, the doctor at the hospital looked at my notes and said, oh, you've two children already. I pointed out that I had one child and that I'd had one miscarriage. The doctor looked uncomfortable, and I hoped that my brusque manner would remind er to take care to look at everyone's notes more carefully before making any comments.

People will ask questions like this, OP, and are really just being polite/making conversation. However, I always hated such questions. Once you've had a MC, you realise that lots more people have had them, because people start to open up to you. Nothing wrong with being honest, even if you come across as a bit blunt.

Sorry to hear about your MC. What helped me get through mine was another doctor in A&E saying that I'd had a MC, that they often happen for the best of reasons, that I shouldn't be too concerned and that I'd most likely go on to have a good pregnancy in due course.

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