to be pissed off with dh

(155 Posts)
uptherear Thu 28-Mar-13 09:05:14

Dh works p/t half through previous unfortunate circumstances but half because he prefers it.
He enjoys his job and has less stresses than before.
Of course we are skint but I am a good budgeter!
So we cant afford treats but i bake to give dcs a treat for school break and occasional budget a 6 pack of crisps as these are dds favourite treat.

I used to have to hide them or dh would scoff them despite my saying these are for the dc. But recently we have had discussions and I expressed my frustration at having to go to the troubke of hiding treats. He should know as I do that we can only afford these as a little occasional treat for the dc. My treat is that I get to be a sahm, his treat is doing a piss easy job he loves p/t the kids miss out on stuff we could once afford so I like to get them a little treat for school snack every once in a while. They get fed up with scones/muffins/flapjacks that i have made.

Dh scoffed the last pavk of crisps that was in the basket for her snack today. Dh claims he ate them because only 1pack so thought it'd be ok. We have 2 school age dc and one preschool. Ds prefers a biccy as a treat so had one aside for him and crisps for dd who ended up in tears going to school with a biccy that she isnt fussed about.
Fed up wiyh everyone everyone making sacrifices and dh helpjng jimself to whatever he fancies :-(
So pissed off. Am i an unreasonable control freak?!

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Thu 28-Mar-13 10:46:41

I'm sorry but I think it shouldn't be a lifestyle choice that your husband can just choose to work part time in an easy low paid job and you can choose to be a SAHM when you have no money! Presumably you are relying on the state to provide top ups. Tax credits aren't there to allow someone to just pootle along doing a part time job because they can't be bothered to work more hours. Could you not get a part time job to fit in with your husband's hours? Evenings? Weekends?

We'd all love to work part time in an easy job that we 'love' but it's not always possible. Sometimes needs must.

And it can't be nice for your children to always have to go without, no matter how much you justify it, it just isn't fair on them.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 28-Mar-13 10:48:00

The attitude is an issue, as presumably he'd be putting himself first if you had a higher income and bigger treats too.

That's all really. He thinks he's more important than the children, you don't. You need to discuss that again and impress upon him the need to think of ther needs first, so always assume things are for them unless he knows otherwise for certain. Really wanting them to have things, rather than himself, is quite a leap in perspective though.

whois Thu 28-Mar-13 10:54:15

I think you are both being selfish and prioritising your own needs over the whole families requirements.

If crisps are such a massive deal, then all this not working clearly isn't working for the family and you both need to up the hours of paid work. Not rocket science.

Or you stop buying crisps full stop.

Re the Easter egg - my dad was a right scoffer (as am I) for sweets chocolate and would defo have tucked into an Easter egg in the fridge. Difference is, he worked enough to doing home enough cash to buy a replacement the next day...

NatashaBee Thu 28-Mar-13 10:56:36

Have you thought about what will happen when Universal Credit comes in? At least one of you will have to work full time then... Best to plan for it now, rather than be forced into a job you don't want.

Ilovesunflowers Thu 28-Mar-13 10:59:54

What would you do if your boiler broke and needed replacing? or any other life obstacle like this.

Your husband needs to up his hours or you NEED to work. It doesn't sound like you want to work but you would be doing it for your children. What happens when they get a bit older and clothes and shoes cost more, youth club fees, parties etc. Things cost more as kids get older.

You can say all you like about the job shortages but you knew that and so did your husband when he chose to go part time...madness. You could even try babysitting work. If you are on fb ask if anyone has any babysitting or odd job work. I'm sure you'd find something.

All this over a bag of crisps. I feel sorry for your kids. People run into financial difficulty and I understand that but choosing financial difficulty is a different thing entirely and this seems to be your path.

squeakytoy Thu 28-Mar-13 11:07:16

What about holidays, birthdays, christmas? One adult in a family choosing to work part time while the other chooses to stay at home is not fair on the kids.

If he works 150 miles away, then why not move there?

noblegiraffe Thu 28-Mar-13 11:08:15

If you live in the middle of nowhere with no family nearby, no jobs available and 150 miles away from where your DH works, why not move closer to family where there are jobs?

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Thu 28-Mar-13 11:09:16

We live in a rural area, with few jobs and the ones that there are are badly paid. DH and I have both started our own businesses. My youngest goes to nursery now but until recently I fit it in during the day whilst he played, and then did a bit more work at night once the kids were in bed. Anything is doable.

Even doing something like Avon would enable you to earn a little pin money each week to put towards snacks, treats, clothes etc for the kids. My friend does Avon, again in my (rural) area, and she earns around £50 a week from it. She does work hard, delivering the books and collecting them, then delivering them to other houses, but she takes her DS with her when she does it. She also does ironing too and earns another £50 per week from that. Things like cleaning can be done to fit around nursery and school hours, am currently thinking of doing this myself as a second business, as I love cleaning!

auforfoulkesake Thu 28-Mar-13 11:15:05

I think packing the lunch box the night before with the snacks, crisps, is the best idea so far.

Dahlen Thu 28-Mar-13 11:45:06

Two separate issues here. While the lack of money is certainly one, no amount of extra money is going to make up for the fact that your DH is a selfish idiot. Who on earth eats their own child's easter egg if it cannot be replaced?

If money wasn't an issue, chances are he would prioritise his own wants over your child still. That's something that isn't going to go away even with a full-time job. Indeed, the very fact he'd be earning more might result in him having an even greater sense of entitlement.

dreamingofsun Thu 28-Mar-13 14:48:00

could you not get a job in the 4 days he doesn't work and he could look after the kids? yes you live in a tiny place, but there must be other places around? how many jobs have you applied for - just the cleaning job?

perhaps he doesn't totally buy into the not eating anything at all decent regime - and to be honest it doesn't seem unreasonable to want the odd packet of crisps or bit of chocolate occassionally - i don't think thats especially selfish

Squitten Thu 28-Mar-13 14:55:01

I was kind of agreeing with everyone about the situation being ridiculous if this was what you were reduced to...

Until I read that he ate his child's EASTER EGG. Really?! Would he help himself to her Xmas presents too? What kind of a selfish arse does that to his own child?

First thing he would be doing is replacing that. Make him sell something of his if need be - might teach him the value of other people's things. What a twat.

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 28-Mar-13 15:35:17

Could you deliver Lidl leaflets? £15 for 2 hours walking which you could do during the nursery time.

That would buy you 54 bags of Walkers crisps a week (ASDA multipack offer) and change for a creme egg.

And you'd walk off the calories from snaffling crisps.

uptherear Thu 28-Mar-13 20:58:39

Ffs honestly ....

I never said we 'chose' to be in this situation.

We moved to this remote spot when my dh got a promotion (old job) before the recession.

We bought a house in a lovely spot 25 miles from the nearest town (where dh was based). Bit far but great schools and not an unususl commute in this remote area.

Dh made redundant. This really affected him badly. His mental health suffered.

When i say we live remotely we really do. 25 miles to the nearest supermarket/leisure centre. 25 kids in whole school.

The point is that having been forced down by redundancy we found ourselves in this position. Dh did not just wake up and think im going to quit my f/t job and go part time. The job came up. It meant staying in the career he had worked hard at and this was important to him after the redundancy knocking his socks off.
Despite this meaning him working away, fuel costs eating into wages etc I supported his decision and agreed to help make it work. Like I said I do all the budgeting.

So we have been managing. If the boiler breaks we have savings. For holidays we do home exchange. Our dc have a party for birthdays and choice of gift within reason.

The reason we manage is careful budgeting. I have made sacrifices. I used to do classes etc that I don't do anymore. I genuinely dont eat the treats.

The other reason the crisps pissed me off, there is no shop to nip to to replace them. He could have bought some at work. He can do that, that would not piss me off at all. Its the taking from the dc.

He always says 'adjust your own oxygen mask first'. In his eyes he is more important. Thats what pisses me off.

Sad that so many of you read my op and labelled me a lazy selfish cow. So quick to judge without really having all the facts.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Thu 28-Mar-13 21:30:40

The money is a red herring. The issue here is that the OP's DH nicked the kids' treats. He should automatically put them first! What sort of family man thinks 'I'm alright, Jack'? Adjust your oxygen mask first, ffs. This man's a real gem.

uptherear Thu 28-Mar-13 21:38:33

Exactly cheddar!

Never did I think he would have this attitude but he does. It boils my blood.

It would come as no surprise we are awaiting an appointment from Relate.

Inertia Thu 28-Mar-13 21:42:57

Your DH is an arse for taking food meant for his children.

I would go back to hiding it, to be honest.

quesadilla Thu 28-Mar-13 22:42:52

I would rather they went without snacks and had me there for them each day

I don't think going without crisps is a desperate deprivation but it does sound to me that you have your priorities a little skewed: surely you could take on a few extra hours a week in order that the theft of a packet of crisps doesn't become a drama...

You say your DH prefers to work less: again, that is understandable but if you have so little money you can't afford for a packet of crisps to go astray you have problems. Do you not get any benefits?

Sorry if this sounds harsh but this sounds like the sort of deprivation that people even in developing countries don't put up with and for no reason, really, except that your DH doesn't 'want a full time job and you don't want to work at all.

Your life, your decision but I think if you choose to live that close to the breadline needlessly, moaning about the loss of a packet of crisps is a bit hmm. I would have more sympathy if you or your DH were desperately struggling with it but by your own admission it's at least half a lifestyle choice.

Whoknowswhocares Thu 28-Mar-13 22:43:32

"I never said we 'chose' to be in this situation."

The very first sentence of your OP says it is partly because he prefers to work part time that he works how and where he does. You later state your choice not to work.
It is there in black and white. You did specifically say exactly that, in those exact words

quesadilla Thu 28-Mar-13 22:46:45

Sorry OP just seen your recent post which does put your situation in a different context. Didn't mean to sound too judgy. It does sound like one or both of you needs more work though.

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Thu 28-Mar-13 23:14:35

You said in your OP that your DH's treat is working part time and your treat is being a sahm! If that's not done by choice I don't know what is! It's not up to the taxpayer to subsidise your 'treats' and it's not fair on your children either

lottiegarbanzo Thu 28-Mar-13 23:15:07

Feeling a bit pedantic... Thing is, you do adjust your oxygen mask first, because if you pass out you cannot help your children put theirs on. That is in no way analogous to taking something enjoyable from them.

TuftyFinch Thu 28-Mar-13 23:35:15

Why does everyone keep saying 'you need to get a job'. This isn't't a thread about money, it's about crisps and a selfish husband. Having more money won't make someone less selfish. OP lives in the middle of nowhere.
OP has repeatedly said they manage on the money they have, children don't need treats all of the time but tomeat your child's treatbthatbthey'd been looking forward tomis really, really selfish. I don't think hiding food is the answer though as that would be swapping one issue for another.

Noideaatall Fri 29-Mar-13 00:25:15

He always says 'adjust your own oxygen mask first'. In his eyes he is more important. Thats what pisses me off
This pisses me off too. My DP thinks nothing of asking DS2 (age 4) to give him some of his 'treat'. DS2 likes plain yoghurt with honey in a blob in the middle. DP asked him if he could have some - DS2 was reluctant (as he always takes a lot) but said yes. DP proceeded to mix all the honey in because that's how he likes it. Then was baffled when DS2's lip started to tremble...

Laquitar Fri 29-Mar-13 00:25:49

i think it has a lot to do with the money issue. Such a tight budgeting and a part time job for a family of 5 can make you miserable and depressed. Personally i'm more prone to snack when i'm poor and miserable than when i could afford the treats. Very tight budgeting is okish for while but it gets very tiring when is for longer term.

OP in your first post you said it was by choice.

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