DH's awful family part 2...(208 Posts)
So I've started a second thread as requested...
Who would have guessed that they would be so bad as to require more than 1000 posts
I'm just reading part 1 and sympathising. My landlord - I'm a lodger - has invited his friend to stay in the house, indefinitely. I have just had my medication adjusted, so can do without a stranger being present on the sofa every night, and he is sleeping in the dining room on the floor, which is where my packing (I move out on Easter Monday) was meant to go. Last weekend, landlord, landlord's married girlfriend and the friend all sat round the TV watching Puppetry of the Penis. I'm moving out soon and it's going to be very hard to remain schtumm on my annoyance.
And I don't even have a newborn, never mind a DD to look after.
I honestly think it would be best to set aside all the other crap and simply make the decision about whether to attend the wedding based purely on your own ability to go. Will you be able to go on a very long drive and then look after a newborn and a toddler on your own in an unfamiliar place so soon after your CS. That's really the crucial thing.
Everything else can be worried about in time. Well, expect the PILs wanting to live with you. But you've already made it clear that will not be happening. See if your BIL and SIL manage to pull their heads out of their own arses after they return from the honeymoon and then decide on what kind of relationship you want to maintain with them.
HQ please employ tortoise to summarise every thread at regular intervals
So ... not long enough to get a passport, but you could use the ferry with a birth certificate. I think you have 6 weeks to get that if you can't choose a name, so you might not have a birth certificate either.
Despite that, you have plenty of perfectly valid reasons not to go to the wedding and not to have PIL to stay.
I have had much well documented troubles with my selfish in laws and have received a lot of support from mn.
I have also recurred criticism in the form of "you're a doormat" or "your dh has no back bone"
The thing is despite their behaviour I also have to take into account the fact that they are dh parents and he loves them no matter what.
I would struggle to be with a man who didn't love his parents.
The saddest thing I've seen is dh starting to dislike his parents because if their ridiculousness.
It's for this reason that I pick my battles and am also more upfront with them to avoid resentment.
So whilst I agree the ops pils have been idiots I also think its worth considering the impact upon your marriage in the long run.
Aldi is right I think - I would hate for someone to be talking about my family like this ona public forum. Seems like its grown out of proportion.
Don't be trying to use passports as an excuse for not travelling to Ireland BTW as UK citizens don't need one just photo ID! Kids don't need I'd at all.
I reiterate - we both missed SIL wedding (that DD was meant to be bridesmaid at) due to her unreasonable behaviour. I am fortunate that my DH would always put me and our children above his family, so he was happy not to go.
Yes, they made a great big song and dance, but we were implacable, so in the end everyone had no choice but to deal with it. They came to us to build bridges and we graciously let them.
We have actually been on holiday with SIL & family since - had a great time.
So missing a wedding does not have to mean a family breakdown. It just means missing a wedding.
Do what is best for you an your family. Be polite but firm and then leave it at that. Post wedding, it will all seem a big fuss about nothing.
CrysPally and Aldiwhore, make very valid points.
I have read both threads and think that the in-laws are guilty of thoughtlessness all round. BIL and SIL are completely caught up in their wedding and are focusing completely on that, obviously it is the most important thing in their lives. Similarly the PIL and their renovations, and it could be said that the OP has been concentrating of her imminent birth and her requirements surrounding it!.
Its all really got a bit hysterical from all sides with each of them feeling that their "interests" are the most important.
The OP is right to refuse to have the PIL's staying , it is unreasonable, and alternative living arrangements should have been factored in from the get go by the PIL's.
SIL is being a bridezilla, we've all known perfectly nice reasonable women who get infected by this, presumably when its all over she will become perfectly normal.
With regards going to the wedding the OP should see how she feels after the section. It may be that it has to be done earlier/later than planned, who knows. Her DH must go to the wedding and if the dd is looking forward to dressing up to be a bridesmaid it seems a little harsh that she should not go.
To me it would seem unwise to say at this stage "I will not be well enough to go" even if you know in your heart of hearts that you will not be well enough. It seems petty to say at this stage "I can't go neither can DD".
I would suggest the OP lets the dust settle and for the sake of her Dh and DC's try to maintain cordial relations even if they can never be close again.
Please avoid a showdown, it is something you will live to regret.
Agree they have all behaved very badly but it's not worth the stress a huge showdown would cause. I'd be amazed if you were physically able to attend their wedding but don't turn a legitimate inability to attend into some sort of perceived revenge/up-yours situation.
Leave it for a few weeks and then let them know it's not going to be possible for you to go to the wedding but you are looking forward to the party at PIL's. Least said, soonest mended.
I'd say that whether you are able to attend the wedding is probably a separate issue from all the other nonsense that's gone on. The fact is, you are very unlikely to be up for it so soon after your CS. And, since your DH has other 'duties' during the wedding, that means your DD will need to stay with you. It's really all a matter of practicalities.
That's a great way of handling it dontmind .
I agree with DontmindifIdo and am going to follow the mantra about Christmas dinner. I think the withdrawing approach would help me.
Please avoid a big showdown over the wedding, I think they have all behaved awfully but if you cause a ruckus over the wedding they will so easily be able to paint you both as the bad guys. Once painted as such, anything that you say or do about CMV / staying at yours however reasonable will be similarly painted. It is an easy cop out for them. I wouldn't go in your place and would hole up at home with your parents to provide some support, use the passport / not recovering quickly enough as your excuse. If your DH 'cannot' look after his DD at the wedding due to the rounds of golf it is probably best that she stay at home. I think your DH, presuming he wants to go, should go to avoid a family show down.
Good luck with everything, remember I, and other posters don't have to live with the advice that we give. It is just that, you need to choose sensibly and calmly what you wish to do, I'm sure that you will do so.
Agree with aldi, while they have been unreasonable, there is no need for a big show down, you can easily use the passport and not being able to travel as an excuse.
Dh and I also have a very hard work sil - but our mantra has been "don't say anything you'll regret every Christmas dinner for the next 30 years". This doesn't mean be a doormat, you can just stop putting yourself out.
For example, I used to deal with sil's changing food fads (every other week she was allergic to a new thing) as we had them over about once a fortnight, I'd fit round when they were free, having ds out of his routine and difficult etc, then she did a few things that makes her seem rather similar to yours. Rather than having a show down, I just withdrew. No more invites, invites to pil that fitted round sil but not us were just turned down. It helped that dbil moved jobs to being in an office building 5 mins walk from dh's so that they now meet for lunch every other week (meaning that dh can drop into conversation seeing his db to mil so she's not as aware of the rift). We did a duty visit at Christmas to deliver gifts to their dd, but other than that we've not seen them as a couple for nearly a year.
There's been no drama, if i need to see them I'm polite, still friends on Facebook and 'like' any picture of dn posted etc. but no more accommodating. "that doesn't work for us" and "no thank you" are good phrases. Most importantly, by never sinking to their level, sil is now the bonkers one as far as dh family are concerned. I'm seen as reasonable.
aldiwhore - you've effectively stopped georgie from posting. if she does she's 'gone on so long that actually it has become unreasonable'. she's a lovely person and has, in my view, been too reasonable.
she was getting support here coping with her untenable situation.
her il's ARE treating her appallingly and it's not just isolated incidents, but many biggies over the years. there are a lot of people who are used to dealing with abusive il's and georgie has every right to garner support.
'if any of your in-laws saw this they would be justifiable upset and angry, because they have no right of reply. ' - yes, it's cathartic to be able to talk about things without being shouted down or told we ARE unreasonable and hear that complete strangers on the web are on your side.
Hope everything gets sorted eventually. I do sympathise, I wouldn't want anyone gate crashing our house at a time like this either. Good on you for standing up for yourself and I'm glad your DH can see where you're coming from now.
Agree with aldiwhore, but just wanted to say that with first ELCS I was fine after three days, runningn around and no painkillers. The second floored me, pain for weeks and no way could I have faced a wedding four weeks later if it had been held next door, let alone in another country.
I hope cmv results are good.
I can't get over the CMV situation. Awful. At least the long stay has been vetoed (hopefully). The wedding sounds like a nightmare. My suggestion- just send DH (if he really wants to go) and hang in there with the two little ones at home with some help from your mum.
Spent much of today (am ill-in-bed again) reading this thread & the earlier one.
Absolutely shocking stuff. If I'd not already been lying down I'd've fallen down in shock at various points I think - asking you to stop TTC in case you managed to have a much-wanted & hard-won (sorry, can't think of better way to phrase it) second child at a point that might upset their wedding plans. That's a level of self-centredness that would make gyroscopes jealous!
I do so hope both you & your baby haven't been infected with CMV; that your PiL [have] accept[ed] they'll not be staying with you; that the move goes well; that your DH learns to advocate for you & your children (& indeed for himself!) rather than maintaining the current unhealthy dynamic; that you heal both well & quickly from the CS; that your DD & DDog both bond happily with the new baby; that you can have & enjoy your bonding-bubble time with your family & have only visitors who're welcome & only help that is helpful; and that you don't go to the wedding but are able to put your Needs & those of your children above the Wants of your in-Laws.
It truly is boggling. Umph.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I've been lurking on this thread (and board!) - but I wanted to come in add my voice to the cautious side of things.
OP and DH have definitely been been treated worse than thoughtlessly by the ILs, but this thread is now brimming with recommendations for revenge insults, some of which would mean severing ties forever. As the tale has built over two long threads, it feels as if it theres now a bit of a yearning for an EastEnders style showdown.
Please don't! I'm inclined to side with shewhowrites and aldiwhore - OPs relationship with the ILs has definitely changed after this, but it will have to carry on in some form. In ten years time, there will still be Christmas presents and family events.
Also, and this isn't meant to excuse their behaviour at all, BIL and SIL would hardly be the first couple to become self-absorbed in the lead up to their wedding. Its a strange prism, and their actions, and their reactions to other people's, can be very heightened - often divorced from common sense.
Oy va voy. I don't think you'll physically be able to go that soon after a section, but that's my opinion. I'm sure plenty of other people will tell you about how they built a house two minutes after giving birth to triplets by c section, while simultaneously breastfeeding all three...but I don't think I could actually do it.
When I thought DS had slapped cheek, I sent an email round the entire office, just in case anyone was pregnant. Which as it turns out, wasn't overreacting because someone was pregnant. I imagine if you know you have CMV, then you would know it could be dangerous for pregnant women and their babies. Or you are startlingly uninterested in your own health or that of other people.
Listen to aldiwhore op, take her sound advice...believe me Ireland is a small place. How would you like to read this stuff about your family? YwereNBU but I really think you should consider letting this lie now. Best wishes with baby/house move by the way.
please tell me tiggas sign off.
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