to expect that my husband would prioritise his wife and children over his mother

(205 Posts)
angelicstar Thu 07-Mar-13 16:01:00

Maybe I am - would be interested in opinion.

DH's mother is in hospital and they live about 2 hours away from us on the south coast. Although she has been quite ill she is recovering and will be out in about a week so it's not a life and death situation. DH drove down to see her on Monday and she has FIL and also DH's sister who lives near by so she is not languishing on her own.

Meanwhile I have been poorly and DD who is 2 has quite a bad viral infection with rash and high temperature. I also have a DD who is 4 and it's been hard work with them both today and poor DD2 had to be dragged out in the rain for school pick up.

DH was meant to see his mother tonight and stay over at his dad's but I have asked that he come home instead as I know DD will be up in the night and also if he is home tomorrow morning she won't have to drag out on the school run.

Just called him and he said he won't come home and his mother is his priority and he has to "split his time fairly" between us. Now surely it is not unreasonable to expect him to prioritise me and his poorly child. Just come off the phone to him in tears. Surely I should not have to beg my husband to help me with the kids? He left it saying he would see what he could sort out as if he was doing me some kind of favour.

Osmiornica Sat 09-Mar-13 16:49:05

It depends on how ill you are. If you would have had to ask your husband to take a day off work then fair enough, he should be looking after you. if, however, you're not that bad and can cope then yabu and should accept that he'd like to visit his mother instead.

bassetfeet Sat 09-Mar-13 16:41:10

One day hopefully, all here will be mothers in law to sons or daughters. Getting older and needing some assistance as years advance .

It is hard to empathise with something we have not experienced . My aged mum is 90 and I try to understand when she gets bickery about my lack of "visiting "
I go every week and often call in midweek also.Get narked at her whinging .
But I dont know how it feels to be that old do I ? But I muddle along and do what I know is right for her in her old age .

One day YOU are going to be the elderly lady in hospital and so wanting to see her son/daughter .
Please just project how you may feel one day . And dont make your partner feel bad about it if you can .

I do remember being young mother and this happening to us . I wish I could revisit my younger self .

LaQueen Sat 09-Mar-13 15:06:21

*Raspberry^ I agree with you. I very much see DH and I, as a kinda tag-team...sometimes one of us takes priority, sometimes the other. Sometimes one of us can be selfish, sometimes the other.

But, essentially we do try and help each other, and recognise when the other needs to perhaps take a bit more, so we need to give a bit more. And vice versa...

And, yes, I also agree that the OP is determined to brush off her MIL's illness - which is serious enough to warrant a stay in hospital FFS, with a casual 'She's on the mend'.

But, in contrast the OP is layering on the guilt/drama with her 'Poor DD, is having to be dragged out into the cold, to do the school run'

What? A whole 15 minutes, doing the school run? Presumably, wearing a nice, warm coat, or travelling in a car? Not like her DD is being sent down the pit, is it?

crashdoll Sat 09-Mar-13 14:38:47

JamieandtheMagicTorch

Fair point. When people often post very emotive topics in here and get upset when they get a grilling, I do wonder why they posted in here in the first place. The again, I suppose you can never tell the responses and I have seen OPs getting picked on and picked apart. I only said "crying in the corner" as a response to another poster's comments. I'd hate to think I purposely hurt another person by being a bitch but I don't think anyone needs to apologise for being honest. The truth hurts. I've posted topics in here before and wished I hadn't. You live and learn.

Jamdoughnutfiend Sat 09-Mar-13 12:58:39

YABU - My brother has been seriously ill and I am running round after him at the moment helping him and his girlfriend. My DH has been really understanding and if he has responded as you had I would have been so disappointed in him and that is 'just' my brother never mind my Mum.

RaspberryRuffle Sat 09-Mar-13 12:43:07

Your DH's mother is in hospital, you and your DH are supposed to be a team, he is probably stressed and upset to see his mum ill in hospital, his father and sister probably feel the same way. I would give him a by-ball for any tone he used on the phone.
Yes it must be hard for you this week but objectively I think it is harder for him, don't make it any worse.
You say his mum is hardly life or death yet then mention DD" being dragged out in the rain...you are trying to brush off the seriousness of her condition and exaggerate that of DD2.

The fact is he can prioritise his mum this week as he's got you, I think that's what the 'for better for worse' is about. Go easy on him, like someone else said he can't win. Could he skype you and the children?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 09-Mar-13 12:36:31

crashdoll

I don't really agree with you last post. We have no idea of the mental state of posters on here. What you call "crying in the corner" could be someone at the end of their tether, or depressed. I think a bit of sensitivity is needed, AIBU or not.

That's a more general statement about AIBU.

I think the OP probably is being unreasonable, but emotions sometimes aren't. Being able to rant, get them out (emotions) and get objective points of view can be really useful, but it can be damaging to be called names.

Again, general opinion about AIBU

LaQueen Sat 09-Mar-13 12:04:35

serious I was just being direct, and honest to the OP. I fail to see anything aggressive, in my posts? I don't do aggressive, as a rule.

This is AIBU...if you don't want direct honestly, then don't post here.

crashdoll Sat 09-Mar-13 11:49:27

If you're prone to crying in the corner, don't post on AIBU!!

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 09-Mar-13 11:44:52

Yabu.

If a bloke posted this about his wife I would think he was being a drama larma man child.

And its the exact opersit of supportive to pander to someone when they are being outrageously unreasonable.

But your dh really does need to consider the possibility of giving his mum the virus your dd has.

RoseandVioletCreams Sat 09-Mar-13 11:10:30

unfortunalty op - and it grieves me to say this but YABU, purely because with the elderly you just dont know which way it will go, I do know of people taken in with something and not serious but never made it out.

However - what I dont like is the sentance " i have to divide my time equally between you"!!!!

THAT would definalty get my heckles up as this is exceptional circumstances so he has to be there to support his family; not in general.

RoseandVioletCreams Sat 09-Mar-13 11:04:55

Nebulous

*It's just occurred to me that this is a MN thread mostly supporting a DH AND A MIL!
shock shock shock shock shock shock

It should be in classics as a rare and exotic example*

Just goes to show credit where credit is due...not a bunch of MIL bashers at all.

smile

LittleChickpea Sat 09-Mar-13 11:04:45

From what Ican see the OP asked a question starting with AIBU and explaining the background. The responses have answered the question. Are we expected to massage each others pride just because we are women. Sometimes it's better to be honest rather than saying something just to make someone feel better. You don't need to be mean when doing it but I think honesty is the best policy.

Asking a question on AIBU comes with the risk you may not like the responses you get.

seeker Sat 09-Mar-13 11:03:48

That's inclined to happen if you post on AIBU. If you are being, people tell you.

seriouscakeeater Sat 09-Mar-13 10:36:00

Its just the truth of the poster though, how they feel. Not evey one feels like that. Ive seen some fantastic supportive threads where posters have give great advice then go on to another thread and same posters are tearing shreads of poor OP's. The OP dosnt come back on (proberly crying in a corner somewhere) and posters are actually waiting for her to come back on so they can start again! Sorry thats not an intelligent experienced adult woman to me.

If the OP is right or wrong i dont think it need a vocal head kicking to drive the point home.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 09-Mar-13 10:24:30

The problem with asking intelligent, experienced women for support and advice is quite often they tell you the truth.

seriouscakeeater Sat 09-Mar-13 10:22:09

laqueen there is a fine line between being honest and and damn right rude and nasty.
Your last post even has an aggressive tone maybe you need to chill out abit. I thought MN was about intelligent women giving support and advice to other like minded women. But clearly you have the cape crusader of the reality checks hmm

blackeyedsusan Sat 09-Mar-13 10:09:19

I think wife aand child should come first, if all things are equal. hoever, it depends how ill you are and how ill dd is and how ill mil is... < removes splinters from arse>

the automatic assumption that his mum comes first is unreasonble, but he may be very worried and give a different response at another time.

LaQueen Sat 09-Mar-13 10:01:15

"Clearly for those nasty cows on here you are all super women/saints."

serious - I think you'll find the majoirty of women on here, are just that. We're grown, adult women - who don't mince words, and give a direct Reality Check, for women who clearly need it.

And...?

crashdoll Sat 09-Mar-13 09:57:32

Oh FSS, when the whole of MN says YABU are we accused of bullying? There were a couple of OTT posts but the majority politely gave OP a reality check. This is AIBU and if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Post on one of the MANY other boards for support and you will find the most wonderful, amazing posters on there.

seriouscakeeater Sat 09-Mar-13 09:31:17

Sometimes I despair at the down right bullying in here. Its like girls ganging up in the play ground. Clearly the Op felt like shite and wanted a bit of support - which is understandable. She allready stated That her MIL was on the mend.

There is one thing having any opinion then there is being just nasty. Clearly for those nasty cows on here you are all super women/saints.

OP if your still around hope you and kiddies are feeling better thanks

ladymariner Sat 09-Mar-13 08:58:52

Op, YABU........

Op? Op? Oh she seems to have vanished.....hmm

Yabu in this situation i'm afraid.
Put yourself in his shoes for a moment, if this was your mum you would want to be there for her. Your dc will get over their bug, but mil is hospitalized, that's a lot worse on the scale of things. Support him

LittleChickpea Fri 08-Mar-13 23:20:53

OP, I see where you are coming from but on this occasion I think YABU. It's a defficult situation for you I totally understand but his mum is in hospital. I would do the same for my mum.

bangwhizz Fri 08-Mar-13 14:42:19

Op you will be the frail old lady in hospital one day, wouldn't you want your children to be there for you?
Furthermore one day your DD will be that lady too.How would you feel about her being frightened, sick and lonely

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