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Upset by friends facebook status - I know I probably am but find it genuienely distressing!

(257 Posts)
RoseGarden123 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:49:30

Saw friends facebook status about leaving her 6 week old DS to CIO to get him onto a healthy routine. this baby was born 4 weeks early. I text her to see if everything was ok. When she said she couldn't deal with doing the CIO but thought it was the best thing to establish a routine early ,I sent her a link to some info which I said had found really helpful in the early days. I'll admit the link was to some unconditional/ AP type parenting approach, her response was she didn't go in for the 'hippy' stuff and she wanted to make sure that her DS knew who was boss from day one and wasn't going to 'win' and after 3 hours he had gone to sleep.
I am not upset at all about her rejecting the info link, I sent it very tactfully and everyone chooses their own path in parenting but seriously CIO with a prem 6 week old, am I completely off the mark when I think this is very upsetting and worrying?!

flatmum Tue 05-Mar-13 11:43:46

Imagine - you did your best in a very difficult situation (we've all been there) and tried everything you could, taking into account your child's personality, age, temperment etc. That is very different from blindly deciding to teach a newborn who's boss (if that is indeed what OPs friend was/is doing) imo.

OutsideOverThere Tue 05-Mar-13 07:33:30

sorry cio

OutsideOverThere Tue 05-Mar-13 07:32:44

Imaginethat - no. You did right. I have a crier too - my third baby - and it's been a shock after a very placid ds2.

They cry for a reason, and you did your absolute best and it just got too much. There have been times I've sat there with ds3, in despair at him ever stopping but being with him and doing my best was important I think, even if I couldn't physically help him to stop.

It tailed off after he was about 4 or 5 weeks and got much easier. I have my doubts that CIL actually stops babies crying at all - it just teaches them that no one comes and that's got to be a bad thing I think at a very young age. It's not like the baby never cries again after it's been left to cry it out one time.

Imaginethat Mon 04-Mar-13 22:11:37

dunnitnow - What do you think now ? 45 mins and 30 mins twice did no harm I'm sure, but I am staggered that there are still people around that think it is ok to routinely do this.

Thanks for asking. Now I realise how disconnected I was from my newborn. I was frantic to do everything right and had no confidence in my instinct.

With my second child I could not bear to let him cry, however he cried and cried all the same. One night he cried pretty much for 5hrs straight although I rocked etc. I had to admit defeat, close doors, turn on music and get in the bath as I could no longer cope with his crying. Which leaves me wondering whether it might have been better to do the CIO with him early on. A lot less crying all up. But different children & temperaments. I think on the whole we do our best with what we know at the time.

LaQueen Mon 04-Mar-13 21:40:20

I was prepared to let our DDs CIO for, I dunno, 15 minutes or so...once they got to be about 5-6 months old.

By then, I knew them well enough to be able to tell the difference between when they were genuinely distressed, and when they were in that I'm grizzling because I'm really tired, and grumpy, and can't quite just drop off yet mode.

A friend was happy to do CIO with her new baby - and, hard as nails though I generally am, I found it very hard to bear. We stayed with them, when her baby was about 10 weeks old, and the baby was basically put in the cot at 6pm, and always allowed to cry themselves to sleep. Sometimes it took nearly an hour sad

It's the only time we've ever come close to arguing, because I couldn't bear to hear them crying for so long, and found it genuinely upsetting. I offered a few times to go and try to settle the baby - but this then really annoyed my friend.

Goldenbear Mon 04-Mar-13 21:22:55

What does that even mean?

crashdoll Mon 04-Mar-13 21:15:03

The hysteria in this thread would be laughable if it wasn't so pathetic.

gimmecakeandcandy Mon 04-Mar-13 19:31:30

She IS a bad and neglectful mother and a nasty hideous person. I'll reserve my sympathy for the poor poor baby who is unfortunate enough to have this woman as its mother.

Goldenbear Mon 04-Mar-13 19:25:39

What was the motivation for starting the thread in the first place?

babanouche Mon 04-Mar-13 19:23:02

oh ffs some people just want a fucking argument.

Goldenbear Mon 04-Mar-13 19:21:52

RoseGarden, You sound like a very confused person. You posted in AIBU, if you wanted more practical help why didn't you post in 'parenting'? Perhaps if you had updated a little more often your thoughts would've been clear?

If she left her newborn to CIO, if indeed she did, then it is wrong, don't you feel sorry for this baby- if this is TRUE?

babanouche Mon 04-Mar-13 19:21:37

You're right, lemonmuffin, calling someone a cunt isn't vicious. Advocating abortion for this child isn't vicious.hmm

So the OP has just said her friend isn't a bad or neglectful mother so can we all stop slagging off this person none of us has actually met?

RandallPinkFloyd Mon 04-Mar-13 19:21:34

I think you've come back with a great post there OP and I apologise for judging you harshly.

We've all started ill-judged threads and made ill-judged remarks, we're human, it happens. To come back and be gracious about it is not so common though so big respect to you for that.

I wish your friend well, the first few weeks must be horrendous with a bad sleeper. I thank my lucky stars my DS was so easy, there but for the grace of God go I and all that! (I'm not religious but you know what I mean)

lemonmuffin Mon 04-Mar-13 19:11:44

I don't think the posts have been vicious Rosegarden, just concerned. And rightly so.

MooMooSkit Mon 04-Mar-13 19:10:56

Also in answer to the question, the CIO is ok after a certain time, not at 6 weeks ever. However, i wouldn't jump straight into calling ss untill I'd established the facts a bit more soon. I've said I'm going to smother my OH in his sleep because of his snoring (with a massive LOL) on the status. He is still alive.

MooMooSkit Mon 04-Mar-13 19:09:03

Just to say, Thebody you are wrong, i don't know when you did your training but I did my nursing/midwifery training post 2007 and we were always taught 37 is classed as term. 36 weeks was always treated as premature in both of the hospitals I've worked in and both were different NHS trusts.

RoseGarden123 Mon 04-Mar-13 19:06:55

Hi, I have backed off this thread not because some people disagreed with me but because how others went in agreeing with me. Some of the language about my friend and a new mum was quite frightening! I was originally trying to gauge if I was over reacting as I know I am quite left wing in my views. I don't agree with cio at any age, but that's just what works for me. I don't feel I am an expert parent or experienced enough to judge others style or approaches. I was at the beginning just very concerned she had chosen this approach so early and worried it indicated maybe she was struggling? I would never dream of showing her this thread and very confident she doesn't use mumsnet.
I have spoken to closer friends to friend and offered practical rl support not based on my views but helping her get some rest.
In hindsight it was ill judged to post on here, however I never expected the level of responses or viciousness of them. This isn't a bad or neglectful mother, this is someone I am worried about.

Goldenbear Mon 04-Mar-13 18:58:04

Have not 'has' in post above.

Goldenbear Mon 04-Mar-13 18:43:52

I have also been posting on MN for years and there has always been strong opinions put forward without calls for censoring this and censoring that. MN is about more than just being a support network.

thebody Mon 04-Mar-13 18:33:16

I have been in mumsnet for years now and I can't remember a post that has attracted so much hatred, vitriol, assumptions and someone saying this baby would have been better off aborted.

Hang on I can.

The mass of ridicule and contempt heaped on the nurse who killed herself after taking the Australian phone call. Think on.

Op I think your friend posted a stupid FB comment and this is where it's led.

Please God she doesn't come on mumsnet for help and advice and realises that these comments are about her.

RandallPinkFloyd Mon 04-Mar-13 18:27:34

No, she didn't, and unless you read it yourself you don't know what she wrote, none of us do.

The only information we have is what the OP has shared. Which is that the mother wrote something on FB regarding using CIO to establish a routine and that in further discussion via text she said she was really struggling with CIO but that she finally got her DS to sleep after 3 hours.

If, as she suggests, the OP merely wants to help and support her friend then I would suggest perhaps asking for suggestions as to how to help. Pages and pages of hysterical hand-wringing does not help anyone.

Bodicea Mon 04-Mar-13 18:25:47

Gish there are some judgemental people on hear. Leave the poor woman alone to bring her child up how she likes. It's no one else's business.

willesden Mon 04-Mar-13 18:25:26

It is amazing how many people think newborns somehow need training like puppies. That poor baby. I bet there is a jealous man in the background driving that situation.

atacareercrossroads Mon 04-Mar-13 18:17:13

I said I was going to kill dp the other day

I didn't.

Goldenbear Mon 04-Mar-13 18:13:06

The OP's friend did - on FB.

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