Mumsnet Talk

Hi all. I have no kids currently but hoping there are some nice people out there with more experience than me that can advise me. Essentially - I am 29, my partner is 40, we both currently work fulll time. I love my job (in pharmaceuticals), he hates working (teacher - gets lovely holidays off). He dropped a bombshell recently that he wants to retire at 55, ie 15 years time. We were thinking of starting a family in a few years. I think his plan is that I will continue to work (ie for another 20 years until Im 65, whilst he is retired). I hadnt thought that I would stop work as I enjoy it at the moment but I didnt see myself being the breadwinner

Am I being unreasonable to think he is being really selfish? He has money which he has made on property (about 80 grand) so its not like he's not going to be contributing to our relationship financially. His idea is that he will be a house-husband and keep things running at home. Does anyone else have such an arrangement, and does it cause loads of arguments? Its probably not right for me to say he cant retire early, as without me he could afford to do so, but Im just thinking - with a young family, someone has to pay the bills and I feel a bit forced into it being me

I feel I cant really make a big deal out of this yet as we dont have kids yet but it is something that keeps me awake at night. I'm worried that if we got married we'd end up arguing over it later in life. I know its a price you pay for going out with an older man but I just dont know whether I should put my foot down or not, help!!

YABU.

i think a lot can change in 15 years.

Perhaps a trip to an FA would pay off and talk to him saying if its not financially feasible that he will have to put it off.

But i guess it depends on savings, pension...etc. Retiring early is great, but not if it effects the level of living significantly

Unless you're not planning to TCC for another 10-15 years then surely its a moot point.

I mean, if you wanted 3, 5 or even 8 years to TTC the child(ren) would be at school so wouldnt you be at work anyway?

15 years is a long long way away and whilst i am all for thinking ahead a lot can happen in that time re health, kids etc. unless he is seriously well off no one can afford to retire at 55 any more - average 30 years not working on current life expectancies. what he is saying is he doesnt like his job so need to encourage him to look at what else he can do. 40 is a horrible age and he is obviously having the jitters about life.Sit him down and tell him what you think if it is so worrying to you that its keeping you awake at night then you dont have much of a relationship if you cant just tell him now rather than letting it stew.

*waited.

Not wanted.

Does he have considerable savings and private pensions? Because I'm not sure what the state/public sector pension will be like in 15 years time but it might not be too impressive.. £80grand is a lot of money but it's not enough to retire 10years early on.. It would be unfair on him to retire so early if you had to keep working.. I think it would make me uncomfortable too.

Don't teachers have to work al the way to their mid to late 60s? Does he think he can draw a pension from 55 or just mean he'll stop working full stop?

He won't be retired though will he, he'll be a SAHD?

YANBU - these things needs to be fully discussed and both partners be in agreement.

He won't be retired though will he, he'll be a SAHD? no because if he doesn't retire for 15 years and they have a child in a few years, the child will be a teenager. That will hardly make him a SAHD?

is 55 early to retire?Bloody hell,im a sahm with no intention of ever working again (unless i had to)but if i did the idea of working til i am over that age depresses me!

YABU and YANBU. (shuffles uncomfortably on the fence)
YABU - Imagine if you had spent your life working and saving so you could retire at a certain age and then your partner told you that you couldn't . . .
However, YANBU to expect it to be a partially joint decision. If you have joint finances then surely there does have to be a conversation about whether you can both retire at the same point? If you have to fund his retirement then that isn't fair. If your joint finances allow both of you to retire at the same point but you choose to keep working then it would be unfair of you to resent him for your choice.

I have a similar age gap but I'm a bit older than you. When my OH mentioned this I said something along the lines of ' people live a lot longer now, do you really want to be pottering around for 20 years?' Also people age once they retire. Don't underestimate the ego of man
15 years is still along way off though. You'll be 40 and in a different stage of your life. Any children you might have wont be tiny then (I presume). He's only 40 now, could he not change career before children come along to a job he finds more satisfying? Maybe you could both go p/t?
Maybe he could have a sabbatical?

Loads can change in that time.

I wish I could retire at 55

Not a helpful post.

'Is 55 early to retire?...
the idea of working til i am over that age depresses me!'

Er, the retirement age is 67

Not sure how this is supposed to work.
Is he suggesting that you wait 15 years to conceive for him to become a stay at home dad? If not, there is not much need for a stay at home parent, as your kids will be pretty grown up!

How can he suggest this when he does not have any kids? I

He is 11 years older than you, how much energy is he going to have to parent when he plans on being a parent that old? 55 is young to be retired, but old to be a dad of young children.

To be honest, if this is the plan, you need to hurry up with TTCing a bit. You want ONE of you to be working full time when you are on maternity leave.

Realistically speaking, your oldest will start secondary, and not need a dad at home, in 15 years time... He would be better off taking a career break when your youngest (if you plan more than one)

Children are expensive. You may find you cant afford to stop working, either of you. You will be raising young children on a pension!

Also think you need some sound financial advice. 80k will disappear quicker than you think when you have kids.

Do you live together? Been with eachother long?

I think a teacher retiring at 55 is a reasonable expectation, they take a big drop in their lumpsum but the pension is enough to live on and many go on to do odd days supply. I come from a family of teachers, my parents uncles and aunts all taught not one of them has worked later than age 60 on a contract but a couple have been semi retired doing either supply or in one case consultancy work.
I wouldn't like to spend 20 years working once my other half was retired though so see you point.

Thank you. I have no idea how I'll feel in 15 years...but my mother was a SAHM and I was thinking I'd prefer to work part time with kids rather than be away from the family. Feistylass, your first point is exactly why I havent raised it with him yet. I know its not going to go down well. But I guess I do need to make the point that I wont be financing his retirement if he cant afford to do so himself. I guess I have this old fashioned idea that the man should go provide for the family, Im worried he is just thinking of himself. Maybe that will change, who knows. Yes I think he is probably not dealing well with the 40 thing especially with our age gap

Seems to me with his timing he wants to stop working when the kids are too old to require much full time parental input, as they will be in school full time.

You will have the baby years of doing one heck of a lot of juggling with two full time working parents, and when they are in school, then your dp will "retire" and sit back and enjoy life, while you work your arse off to provide for both yourself, him and the children. Hardly fair on you!

Also we have only been together a few years, we dont live together yet but do talk about the future. Its all a long way off but its nice to have a plan...
His idea is to do a few hours tuition work in the evenings, and I guess a few days here and there consultancy or whatever. We would start having kids in a few years in the "Plan", so they would probably be about 10 I guess.
I mean - it could work if I take time off to look after them when they are small, I'll prob be itching to continue my career, I just worry I would resent him for being "lazy"

Actually, just reread and seen that he is your boyfriend and you are not married, and that he has 80k that he may invest into your future family life...

How long have the two of you been together? How long have you lived together?

Sigh PureQuintessence, I think you might have hit the nail on the head there....

I think yabu! If the option is there for him, why not.....this is one of the issues specific to an age gap relationship and something to consider before committing to someone a different age,

I know, I'm in one. DH is 14 years older than me, likely to be pressured into retiring by 60 or soon after. I'm a nurse so likely to die on the job

Our dses will be late teens by the time DH retires. I will probably increase my hours to full time (currently do 30 hours a week) to maintain our lifestyle. I don't mind in the slightest! Although I wouldn't say I fully grasped the issues when we got together (17 years ago) we have discussed it plenty over the years.

The reality that I will potentially be widowed by the I time retire is what I struggle with have to enjoy what you've got though!

Holy cow. You talk about your "future", you dont live together, and your life together is a long way off? You are 29, not a spring chicken yourself!



He is testing the waters to see if you will stick around to support him financially, before offering commitment. What a twat.