Mumsnet Talk

moom I was at that wedding!!! Haha, who are you?!

We got married with no gift list and only got one duplicate gift. all this stuff you hear about ten toasters - don't believe it. Most people do give money these days or something that isn't too OTT. Tbh - you should be grateful of anything. You should never expect a gift from anyone in any situation and if you don't like what they get you then tough.
Wedding presents used to be about helping a couple set up home. If a couple have already done this then there should be no gift

Just noticed the date this discussion started. Bit late to the party!

HappyMummy, I get your point, but some people ARE having a registry office and homemade buffet wedding and they still can't afford a honeymoon of any kind

I don't think there's anything wrong with people saying they'd like cash in lieu of gifts if a guest really wanted to get them something. Many people appreciate a fiver just as much as £50. And some put money they could have used for a honeymoon towards the extra food and drink needed to invite someone they really want there, or who would make a big stink if they weren't invited. So not everyone requesting cash as a gift is being grabby

I'm getting married and I HATE the money poems, grabby, greedy little brats ususally send those out. I also HATE gift lists. Our invites have gone out with the specific purpose of inviting people to the wedding and telling them the details of the day that they need to know. It would be lovely if people did buy us gifts or give us money but that isn't the reason we are inviting them and we aren't getting married in our home town so lots of people will have to stay overnight. It's not reasonable to expect people to shell out for a night out, an overnight stay and a big present.

I have a friend who's just put a £300 toaster on her gust list. I didn't even know you could get a toaster for £300. I checked to see if it did anything special (like clean my house whilst I was asleep) but it doesn't, IT JUST TOASTS BREAD.

Until I read this thread I had no idea that the wedding 'industry' had got so big. But I don't know why I'm surprised really - everything else has become more commercialised too; Easter decorations and treasure-hunt kits, New-year crackers, Valentine's day. When I got married 20 years ago many couples didn't even do gift lists.

Also, it's more often the couple who are funding the wedding so couples feel free to adopt the 'It's our special day, so we'll do whatever we like' approach rather than do what the older generation think they ought to do. It's often a huge effort and expense to go to a wedding, however joyfully you're doing it so I would not welcome a rhyming poem asking for a cash donation.

Yes, I agree with that chocoluvva. Sorry, I should've been clearer - contacting the couple via 'opposing poem', complaining to them, or moaning to other guests about it in a way that's going to create negativity about the wedding is rude.

Keeping your thoughts to yourself but expressing them on an anonymous online forum isn't what I was meaning.

"Moaning" on an online forum is not rude.

Erm... when I get a wedding invite I open it up and get all excited because I'm going to be part of a couple's big day. It's an honour as far as I'm concerned.

And so long as I can afford it, I'll get them a gift. So if I get a gift list, or a request for money along with the invite, that's absolutely fine. Assuming there's a reasonable range of price options on it, I wouldn't dream of being offended. After all, it's their special day. They can arrange it how they please.

What I think is rude is receiving an invitation and then moaning about how some aspect of it is breaching the unwritten rules of weddings. If a poem asking for a bit of cash causes you so much anger, then your relationship with the couple probably isn't up to much IMHO, and maybe you'd be best off not going.

If it's of any relevance, we enclosed details of the gift list with our wedding invitations last year because we personally have always found this helpful when being invited to others'. We were blown away by how generous people were - and the smaller gifts were just as much appreciated as the larger ones.

I give between 20 and 50 pounds and maybe also get a small gift. Or a gift if I think of something really perfect for that couple. I don't change the amount depending on the type of wedding because I see it as a gift I choose to give rather than an entry ticket.

No idea re the going rate as never give cash. I would spend more on a church hall type wedding as its likely to be more about the actual wedding itself unlike a big do which swallows up the vows and is just one big party. Plus if they can spend that much on one day thats soon over with they dont really need gifts.

Evening only do's i just take a bottle for as its just an evening out no actual wedding part.

Just as a matter of interest, what is the entry fee going rate for weddings these days?

And do you pay give more if it is an expensive 5 star hotel with a free bar (which to me implies the b&g don't need money) or a diy buffet in a church hall?

We just got a invite like that a we sent nought back and we are not going to the wedding

They are very well off and are having a 200k wedding and can pay for there honey moon themselves ffs

I put a card about our gift list in the invites, but gave them out mostly in person and made clear that it was only a suggestion, and no gift was expected. I thought this was ok, but one person told me he thought it was rude.

The reason people do it is that wedding forums put forward that it is a perfectly reasonable and normal thing to do. No joke.

I went on one regularly while planning mywediing: it was useful for finding suppliers and getting opinions about colours etc. From what I read it seemed that most people were asking for money in poems. (and no I didn't!)

We were invited to a wedding when we were utterly broke, and as most of us atending were poor students, the bride and groom had made it very clear gifts were not at all expected and they just really wanted us there. So We went, and only gave a card - a pretty musical one that played Cannon.

I was mortified a few weeks later to receive a beautiful, long thankyou card for my non-gift card, explaining how much they enjoyed playing the tune as it was one they used in the wedding... I will never not give money again...

I don't mind giving cash or a present. But I object to being told in a wedding invitation. Nobody seems to understand that there is a difference between asking for money in a wedding invitation, and waiting to be asked what you would like gift or cash and then produce a list or ask for money if that's what you want. Of course people expect presents. But you don't ask. I seem to be on a different wavelength from everyone else. But saying that I haven't received a request for money in an invitation yet so I hope it doesn't become the norm.

Nobody who has said they don't like poems asking for cash has said that they mind giving a present. They object to being asked for cash - sometimes because they're hard up.

And most brides probably do expect to be given presents because that's the usual way of things, but they aren't saying that they would think less of anyone who doesn't give them a gift or cash.

Quiet - that's brilliant!

we had a website.

in the invitation, we put a link to the website.

the website had loads of information including directions, where to stay, etc.
it also had info on pressies.
it basically said we don't want any, but if you really want to, can you please give a donation to our church (and to what to make cheques payable)- because we didn't want to appear grabby
most people did that, but some gave us a personal cheque and notes saying that it was for us or the church.

some people asked us if we would take a present, and then we were free to specify items.

Can't get too excited about this to be honest. I think all the weddings I've been to have had a list or just asked for cash and I didn't even think twice about it. Agree that someone people seemed to enjoy getting het up about weddings.

We just had a website with all info about the wedding, and that just had one thing on it saying that if people wanted to give something, contributions towards honeymoon would be great, but feel free to not do a gift, or to choose a gift if they'd rather. I'm not a fan of poems, but wouldn't be offended.

Some friends of mine have been invited to a wedding in France and there's a party the next day, where people have been asked to contribute 20 euro to attend Now THAT crosses a line for me!!!

When DH and I got married, we put something on our wedding invitations along the lines of "We don't want or need gifts, because all we want is you at our wedding. If you really want to give us a gift and you're feeling particularly generous, you can buy us a cow. Heifers preferred". (DH is a farmer).

One of my closest friends did buy us a cow. She somehow sourced a 4ft long stuffed toy black and white Freisian cow complete with bulging udder. Caused quite a stir at the reception and now has pride of place in our guest room!

Have lovely time

People get so silly about weddings - if people get sniffy, well, you don't want them there anyway.

Agreed Ariel, if you can find my wedding thread in chat you will see how we were worried about doing a ceremony with no after do as we can't afford to put on a show.

We've decided to just do a hall after with a bar and some nibbles. But I felt mean asking people to come see us get married with no party for them after they'd have gone to the effort of arranging to come through.

But surely one of the problems has become the commercialisation of weddings, as mentioned earlier. People think they a gift needs to be massive/expensive, whereas, as someone else said, the fivers in envelopes were lovely and they bought some bulbs with them, which was a nice reminder of the person. Just a gesture.