To think about leaving my husband over a bike?

[Opossum99]

Sorry,a bit long. I'm currently on parental leave following ML. My ft job has relocated and we would have to move for me to continue with my company so I'm taking as much (unpaid) leave as possible before having to make that decision. I've been looking for another job locally and was offered one on Wednesday. My OH is being made redundant end of march. On Wednesday after telling him I'd had an offer he came home and told me he'd bought another bike for £600. I'm fuming because a. We don't know about his work situation from march and b. I don't know if I want to take the job and c. I had thought I'd made it very clear I didn't want him buying a new bike as he still owes a couple of thousand on his credit card. Now after doing a bit of checking (he left a web page open on his iPad) it seems very unlikely bike was £600 and was probably more like £2000!
I took both DCs last night and stayed away but am thinking of whether I need to do more? Thoughts please??

[MarilynValentine]

OMG what an irresponsible and selfish thing to do.

Is this typical of him?

I too would be furious. He put his own desires and whims comfortably before the needs of his family

[Opossum99]

The bike shop has just confirmed that even the ex demo sells for £2775

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

WTAF? He's put a fricking bike before his family and finances? And he's in debt. Ridiculous, selfish, immature.

You need to make him see how irresponsible he's been.

[KenLeeeeeee]

Buying the bike when your finances are precarious = irresponsible.

Lying about the actual cost of said bike = mindbogglingly selfish

YANBU to have gone for the night. Does he often think and act so self-centred? If it's uncharacteristic of him, I would rage then ask him to return the bike & insist that future big purchases are discussed honestly before money changes hands.

If this is typical of his general outlook on family life, then YWNBU to consider leaving for good.

[MarilynValentine]

Unbelievable - what a prick.

Does he have form for being selfish?

[Opossum99]

It's not unusual for him to want good stuff ie. all the Mac stuff and he is pretty poor at managing his finances. He's never really saved (I paid the deposit on the house) but he's 43 yo fgs and he knows that our situation is precarious and I'm just completely dumbfounded and saddened about this.

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

You did the right thing leaving last night.

What was his attitude when you confronted him?

I guess he needs a chance to make it right. For him to do that I would tell him he needs to a) send the bike back and be honest about how much it cost and b) you guys need to arrange your finances in such a way that once you are both earning you get your own money each month to do what you want with but joint money is for the family only.

[McNewPants2013]

It's the lying that would annoy me.

[HecatePropolos]

What did he say about it when you talked to him?

If you're not working together - you don't stand a chance. If he can't see the finances don't allow for such a purchase, then I'm not sure what you can do.

What do you mean by 'do more'? What do you think staying away for a night will have done? Have you spoken to him since you left? What's his view now?

[Longdistance]

Omg! What an utter idiot he's been.

What a complete waste of money [shocked]

In my experience, my dh has done similar, but we've always been ok for money, but he's wasted money on shares without informing me.

Definitely make him stew.....

[HecatePropolos]

xpost.

he sounds like he needs to grow the hell up.

I want I want I want my toys and I don't care about anything else.

I don't really see how you can work with that, tbh.

[JustFabulous]

Classic spending money before he actually has it in the bank - even though you would have potentially earned it.

What do you WANT to do? Never mind what others think you need to do.

[catsmother]

Speechless.

Irresponsible, selfish, arrogant and dishonest.

Why did he lie about it ?

... because he knows that he's being a selfish entitled irresponsible wanker that's why. Even £600 in the circumstances, and without discussion, would be awful. But this is (probably) about 5 times worse (moneywise).

He's also treating you like you're stupid.

Am so very sorry you're being treated like this.

Did he make any attempt to justify his selfishness ? .... and that was while he was still trying to fool you he'd "only" spent £600.

It obviously has to go back. If he won't do that, and, show you a whole heap of remorse and apology, then this would be a dealbreaker for me. Can't stand people in so-called relationships who act like their wants are so much more important than their partner's, let alone people who prioritise their fun above their kids.

[ArtemisatBrauron]

It's not just over a bike, though, it's the deceit over the price and the total lack of thought for you and your DCs involved in blowing £2000 (SERIOUSLY?!)on a bike which is obviously not an essential purchase.

If he returned it and got the money back would that make you feel better or is this more like the tip of the financial iceberg? Would he understand and try to change or would he do it again?

[Opossum99]

He wouldn't discuss it, just rolled his eyes. I didn't know until now that it looks like he lied about the bike price. I was pissed off enough when I thought it cost £600! I think because he knows he's due some redundancy money in march he thinks he can spend what he likes. He's currently covering sick leave at another company (complicated) and he's counting on that being extended but there is no guarantee.

[catsmother]

Artemisa - it was more like £3000 !!!

[ceebie]

If it was me, the only way I would stay with him is if I had full control of all the family finances - i.e. he gets a living allowance in cash from me each week and no access to any credit or debit cards, or to our account without my ok. Otherwise I couldn't stay with someone who would put his selfish desires above feeding and clothing his children etc

[Pootles2010]

How has he responded to you staying away? Does he see how serious this is?

[catsmother]

So sorry for you - when everything's up in the air at the moment re: his employment and yours, there's no way you should be spending money on anything except essentials 'cos the future's so uncertain. Any normal, responsible person would put plans for fancy toys on hold until you know what's happening - and then, it should quite obviously be discussed and agreed between you both. He's acting like he thinks he's something special and somehow more "entitled" to spend than you are - or else he'd have talked to you.

[Opossum99]

He sent me a text about 8pm asking if I was going home and when I said no, another one asking where I was. That was it. I came home today hoping the bike would be gone, a card, flowers, chocolates. Nope. Half an hour ago i rang and texted him to say I know he lied about the bike price and that he needs to think about taking it back but have heard nothing from him. I'd like to just leave again because i don't think he gets it yet but don't like the idea of bringing friends into it and my family live abroad so I'd have to stay in another crappy hotel

[BelleoftheFall]

So he owes at least £5-6000 now? I'm guessing that the bike has been put on a credit card as well?

You need to take a long hard look at where this is heading- you say his spending habits have always been bad, but are they getting worse?

In your situation I would probably be asking him if there were any more items that have been put on credit cards or other hidden debts. He's lied to you about how much the bike has cost, he may very well have concealed other spending.

[DamnBamboo]

Do you keep your finances separate? Just seems a totally bizarre situation all round.
If money is tight, staying in a hotel is not a good idea.

How often has he done this before? What do you consider to be your options at this time?

[DontmindifIdo]

you wouldn't be leaving him over a bike, you'd be leaving him over being irrisponsible, lying to you, running up debts he's not sure he can service, not realising that at the grand age of 43 he is a grown up and has a wife and (at least 1) child who should come far a head of his hobbies and his personal wants.

He gets to buy a £3k bike once he's sure his family is debt free, financially stable and he's certain his family has £3k spare to spend on non-essentials.

It's not about the bike. DH has a selection of bikes in this price range - however he would never do something this irrisponsible. Buying a bike like this (or anything that's a non-essential) when you are in a shitty situation is basically saying "my family comes second to me". That's worth leaving a man over.

[DontmindifIdo]

Don't leave BTW - tell him too.

[HecatePropolos]

It doesn't much sound like he gives a shit, does it?