To think it's IMPOSSIBLE to make friends in some towns...

(182 Posts)
IncaAztec Wed 05-Dec-12 20:29:44

I moved here last year with DC1. Everyone has lived here since the year dot. Its very hard to meet anyone, let alone anyone who wants to go on a playdate/be friends. I won't name the town but I think my experience seems to be common in small provincial ones with few incomers.

I have tried to make friends but am foiled at every turn. An example: At a baby group (dull, but an example), I offered another Mum I had met and chatted to before my seat as she is very heavily upduffed. She took it and went off to talk with her friend, leaving me alone. Not even a Hi!

People are borderline rude at nearly all the playgroups. I go for my DC's sake these days. Anyone else in the same boat or want to name and shame their unfriendly, cliquey, rubbish town?

MrsItsNoworNotatAll Sun 04-Oct-15 16:34:41

Some suburbs are the same as well. This one we live is ok but I joined a circuit training group in a different suburb well talk about rude and unfriendly. I'd smile and say hello but got ignored. Wasn't like I was pushy but they were just so unwelcoming to anyone new. I gave up in the end.

bertsdinner Sun 04-Oct-15 14:20:41

I live on the outskirts of a small village in West Yorkshire, I've lived here 4 years. At first, people were borderline unfriendly but have thawed. The regulars at my bus stop usually say morning, and the neighbours are more friendly.
Its taken 4 years to get to that stage though.

Troubletutmill Sun 04-Oct-15 14:07:15

I grew up on an island, mainlanders were loathed. Now that is an insular weird place. They will however happily take your tourist £ whilst secretly loathing you.

I know live in an ex mill town and though not a huge amount of outsiders its very friendly. Even complete strangers will sometimes say good morning if out and about early enough.

It probably doesn't help that we're not English. People actually stare at us sometimes when we speak another language.

YANBU. DH and I moved to Hertfordshire two years ago. During this whole time, I haven't gotten to know a single person. I went to an antenatal class where nobody spoke to anyone, I later tried and failed to get a coffee group together during maternity leave, and then went to a baby group where many of the others already seemed to know each other.

There's also this weird thing whereby every new person you meet asks you if you have bought a house here and when you say no, they become totally uninterested in you.

We're moving back to London next month. grin I'm so excited.

maggiemay876 Sun 04-Oct-15 13:31:33

got no choice unfortunately, Amibambini. am stuck for at least another 8 yrs if i survive that long.

milkmilklemonade12 Sun 04-Oct-15 12:51:38

Towns that are the worst? Garrison or military towns. Fucking. Hell.

Seriously, don't do it to yourselves! Cliquey is an understatement, and the in-fighting that goes on is just unreal. Huge, public Facebook rifts, people getting bitched about in the most awful way... It's crazy. I used to live in one in the South West and good God I was so happy when DH left and we came back to the South East.

I think the South East is one of the friendliest places I've lived. I think most of DC's friend's mums and dads have come from different parts of the country to work.

If you are new to the South East, and you are lonely; drop me a PM. I remember what it's like to start again and be isolated.

hunibuni Sun 04-Oct-15 12:30:13

I live in a small town in Norn Iron and I'm definitely not considered a local despite living here for nearly 20 years. I have a lot of friends but when I think about it they are all blow-ins as well. I can't think of a single local person that I would consider a friend rather than an aquaintance. Probably doesn't help that I am a foreigner grin Everybody is very friendly though, even though they think we're I'm mad to not live within driving distance of my family (who all live abroad) yet live literally across the road from the XW and my ILs.

Amibambini Sun 04-Oct-15 11:47:20

Ah MaggieMay, so sorry to hear that. Do you think you will stay?

maggiemay876 Sat 03-Oct-15 17:45:27

why oh why didnt i find this thread before i moved to whitehaven. the unfriendliness is killing my soul after 2 and a 1/2 yrs

FunBagFreddie Fri 07-Dec-12 08:00:14

I sympathise with the OP. I'm in a village, but there's no shop or pub and only a few houses. Not really even a village. However, there is nearby small town. I regret ever locating to the area and the people round here are so insular. I've definitely not been accepted despite trying to be sociable. Me and DP have only made friends with one couple in 3.5 years of living here. sad On the good side, DS is at an excellent school.

I'm self employed and work from home, so my plan to stay sane is to work my arse off and then go back home to see my friends normal non-inbred people when ever I can.

This thread makes me wonder if some one else here lives near me.

RubyGates Fri 07-Dec-12 07:44:30

Arkady we're not that far from the Stowe, I'm in Edmonton and having travelled all the way over from Finchley so I'm an "incomer" too. Perhaps we could get an "eastish" London incomers' meetup group going?

RubyGates Fri 07-Dec-12 07:41:02

garlicbaubles, When we were on a river cruise on our honeymoon we moored in Tewkesbury for a day. Never have I seen so much of a "local look". It scared the heck out of me, being a Londoner.

There was a very strange atmosphere about the place as well. But again, there are geographical/flooding reasons for their insularity as well.

I was terribly glad to get back on the boat and sale off to cosmpolitan Hereford :-)

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Fri 07-Dec-12 06:12:08

Oh duffy that sounds shit sad

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Fri 07-Dec-12 06:10:52

I moved from Cambridge, I found it the most unfriendly place on the planet, my family still live there, and when I go,I know why I left. I moved to a very rural village, and it's taken me 3 years,but I have 3 friends, that I would call good friends, and some aquaintancy friends, it's really hard around here, and the old neighbours are unadulterated bastards!!! But the city people (Norwich now) are so lovely and friendly, anyone will talk to you, often think about moving into the city and away from this weird little village smile

DuchessofMalfi Fri 07-Dec-12 06:02:02

We have made some friends where we live but they are mostly outsiders like us who are just glad to find someone else to talk to.

Spinkle Fri 07-Dec-12 06:01:13

I have no friends here at all. I'm not a mad or horrible person but people already have a circle if friends and they don't need me. If they don't know your pedigree (am incomer) they are highly suspicious of you. I used to travel 'home' to see my old mates but it just hurt too much when I came back here. It's been 10 years since I saw them.

I have accepted it now. I have a DS with ASD so going out is tricky in any case. I work but it's not that social there.

Can't see it changing really. But I know I'm not mad, bad or dangerous.

DuchessofMalfi Fri 07-Dec-12 05:55:40

Oh Duffy it's the old single parent thing isn't it? They think secretly you're a predatory female after their blokes, so they're running scared. Be seen with a bloke and they will be all over you. Double standards. Bitches.

Chottie Fri 07-Dec-12 05:37:08

This is just awful, I am definitely going to chat to any young mum at the bus stop now. I usually chat to older ladies as there are a lot of widows around here.

duffybeatmetoit Fri 07-Dec-12 00:44:08

NanBullen don't knock the WI - they were the only group in my village to be genuinely friendly and welcoming, even though most were my mum's age. It has been the only thing that keeps me going. As I work fulltime and am a single parent and am the only person in my situation in the village it's really isolating.

The other mums in the village have been initially friendly but I am always being left out of get togethers and then told about how much fun they were. Followed by a "we must invite you next time" which never happens. I invited a family over for a BBQ which was declined on the grounds that they didn't have enough money to reciprocate and would feel awkward. I suggested a communal party where people brought some food but this was equally beyond their means. Roll forward a couple of weeks and a BBQ is in full swing in their garden hmm.

Resigned to being lonely.

JingleBellsRawSharkSmells Thu 06-Dec-12 23:08:37

I would move if I were you OP

Hobbitation Thu 06-Dec-12 22:50:36

When I was 17/18 and applying to university, I thought any large town city would be like Manchester (where I'm from) so it didn't matter too much where I went. Ha ha ha ha ha, oh dear. shock

Osmiornica Thu 06-Dec-12 22:18:46

<Waves> to NanBullen and Borednotboring smile

I don't think it's about not making enough effort. I'm not the shyest of people but I've really struggled round here. I think being out of work and not having that group of like minded people around you makes it more difficult.

garlicbaubles Thu 06-Dec-12 21:39:35

Agree about Brighton! I've always found London friendly. It helps that I'm a talker-at-bus-stops; for every suspicious Londoner there's another one who's happy to chat back. There's never any shortage of things to join, if you need to extend your circles, and the population's very transient, meaning most people know what it's like to be new.

Here - well, exactly as Creamtea quoted above. I hid my atheism and tried to join the choir and/or bell ringers. They hold auditions for both and charge a hefty annual fee. The one campanologist who spoke to me said she'd joined to meet people, eleven years back, and still had no interaction with the others outside of the bell tower. I put a notice up in the least stuffy bar/café, proposing a book club. No-one came.

It doesn't help that most people live in outlying villages or on farms. Just popping anywhere isn't an option for them. The villages are extremely weird!

happybubblebrain Thu 06-Dec-12 21:18:17

GreenandwhitePenguin - I agree Leicester is pretty friendly, although most of the friends I've made aren't from Leicester originally. I've heard the villages can be quite unfriendly though.

Brighton is the best place in the UK that I've lived, maybe not the friendliest but I loved living there. If the southeast propery market ever takes a nose dive I will be moving back.

Liverpool is a very friendly place, you only have to sit down for 5 minutes and someone will start talking to you. Whether you want them to or not.

The most unfriendly places I've lived were London, Sheffield and Banbury - in that order.

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