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to dump my BF for going with a prostitute...

(489 Posts)
snailfiddler Wed 28-Nov-12 20:39:28

... 24 years ago.

On a lads holiday to Amsterdam.

Well, if you're happy, that's a good outcome

I'm not really sure what turtles have to do with it though

fortyplus Mon 03-Dec-12 23:53:02

snailfiddler you both sound incredibly sensible - unlike some on this thread!
We all live and learn - I'm quite sure that I'm a nicer person now than I was 24 years ago.

Good luck for the future smile

lovebunny Mon 03-Dec-12 22:43:58

excellent! smile

strumpetpumpkin Mon 03-Dec-12 22:38:52

smile good luck to you both, sounds like a great outcome x

snailfiddler Mon 03-Dec-12 21:53:01

Thanks all for your various perspectives and inputs. We have had a thorough chat about things. BF (note: not XBF) has increased his awareness of the sex industry and he made the point that if women really were "happy hookers" then they would be doing it for the minimum wage instead of working at Adsa etc. Its the unpleasantness that makes it so financially lucrative.

I saw David Attenborough on the telly at the weekend - 30 yrs ago - digging up a turtles nest and eating (yes actually cooking and eating!!) the turtle eggs himself.

If he had researched the subject and accessed all the available info, he may have realised that this was a bad idea for turtle conservation in the future. He ate the eggs without question because in the micro culture where he was, it was acceptable.

24 years ago we were all different people. I can accept and move on.

Thanks again

fortyplus Sun 02-Dec-12 17:23:50

I've led a very sheltered life... wink

lovebunny Sun 02-Dec-12 17:22:01

grin forty! i used to work for a wholesale newsagent and saw things in those days that i had never seen before or since! fortyplus was a magazine of generously proportioned older ladies - my did we laugh! we were young at the time...

fortyplus Sun 02-Dec-12 17:18:03

lovebunny - I'm afraid I daren't Google! grin But no - I only looked at mn because someone at work told me to (I work in social housing) so I just came up with a boring name, not intending to stick around. I've been here so long that I should really be changing to fiftyplus! wink

ps I'm a flat chested international athlete if that doesn't burst your bubble too much! grin

lovebunny Sun 02-Dec-12 17:12:18

i can't believe this thread is still running. either accept it or leave him. you've been keeping me hanging on too long, never mind him!

fortyplus, did you name yourself after the magazine of that title? if so, i have a vivid image of you in my head...

fortyplus Sun 02-Dec-12 16:15:45

This is probably a hopelessly naive question... But surely if he went with a prostitute in Amsterdam where brothels are legal and seem to be a fairly well accepted part of everyday life (and I'm not referring to the seedier parts of the red light district but to the fact that every town has a 'Club' just on the main road just outside) why would he have felt that it was tantamount to rape?
As a young man 'going along with the crowd' whay wouldn't he have thought that it was a business transaction between two consenting adults?
We know so much more nowadays, but this man is so clearly ashamed of his past action that I'd forgive him. Or is he somehow 'dirty' because he had sex with someone who only wanted to do it for the money? Has the prostitute sullied him in some way? What are you saying about this woman who 24 years ago may have been only too happy to earn some money in a way that seemed easy. She probably has regrets now too.

jakesmith Sat 01-Dec-12 22:57:54

I think this is a really sad situation. If you really find it so abhorrent, or are worried that people will find out & judge him/you, then fine, but not only was it so long ago that he would have been a completely different person, but also there are going to be loads of people that have had moments of indiscresion, such as poorly judged sexual actions, drug use, drink driving etc, everyone has a past.

It's hard to meet the right person, be sure that this is enough of a big deal to not want to be with someone. What would you do if you were blissfully happily married & found out say 5 years in?

strumpetpumpkin Sat 01-Dec-12 22:34:09

it means to me that its not the prostitution that's bad, its the trafficking and coercian. prostitution can and does happen consensually and its ok to all involved.
we don't say sex is bad because some people get raped. we don't say chocolate is evil because of the huge problem of child slave labour in its production. we target the actual problematic bits of it, not generalise.

GhostShip Sat 01-Dec-12 22:29:47

Except they're the ones who would suffer if some people had their way, and it were made illegal altogether.

They aren't a footnote at all, you're making them one because it suits youre argument. Them being happy and not abused doesn't fit in.

AThingInYourLife Sat 01-Dec-12 22:28:18

"you might take them into consideration when you're talking about prostitution and it's evils."

Why?

They apparently are entirely removed from the evils of prostitution, so they are just a footnote to that argument.

They certainly wouldn't need telling that they mask their own feelings and arnt happy at all.

GhostShip Sat 01-Dec-12 22:21:24

just that the stories that are told about women having orgasmic sex with men they struggle not to fall in love with are bullshit

Youre right, that is bullshit.

I'm not saying any of you should be concerned, but you might take them into consideration when you're talking about prostitution and it's evils.

AThingInYourLife Sat 01-Dec-12 22:19:14

The Happy Hooker myth is a particular narrative about prostiution that is based on misrepresentation and lies.

That doesn't imply that there are no happy hookers, just that the stories that are told about women having orgasmic sex with men they struggle not to fall in love with are bullshit.

Why should any of us be concerned with these women you know if they are so happy?

If they are making a living happily (albeit in an ugly exploitative industry that undeniably does great harm to many women) they are just tip top and need nothing from any of us.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 01-Dec-12 22:17:00

Butb thats the point strumpet. A punter cant know if a girl is trafficked or coerced, or if she isn't. Its not always obvious, and men seem to be willing to turn a blind eye to the harsh realities.
No matter whether she is on the street, or a "high class" call girl. Once money is involved, the whole dynamic changes from consensual sex to a business transaction.
And Redbindy-I am not denying any woman's right to earn a living under her own terms. I am not having a go at prostitutes at all. Just the morally bankrupt mentality of men who use them.
And not all prostitutes are women. Lots of boys sell sex to seedy men. Is a 16 year old boy who rents himself an empowered man who is earning a living under his own terms? He may think so. We might think differently.

strumpetpumpkin Sat 01-Dec-12 21:46:10

I don't miss those women out. its never ok to be trafficked coerced or forced into anything. of course its not.

GhostShip Sat 01-Dec-12 21:42:56

But you keep missing out those who are not happy doing it. Whose lives are beyond miserable. do you think it's ok for a man to use a trafficked woman, or someone who has been selling her body since childhood?

I havent seen anyone do that. All I've seen is people trying to say the 'happy hookers' are a myth or can't possibly be truly happy.

Ifnot Find it hard to believe all you like, but I know these women. I even have them on facebook FGS. I really do need to suggest that they join here. Although people would probably all try and tell them how deep down they can't possibly be happy, and all sorts of other offensive and patronising psychobabble I've heard people come out with on here regarding that subject.

If you know about that sort of thing, then you will know that there are the more reputable places. Places where women work for themselves, who have no-one in control over them. Not all men who visit prostitutes are perverted kerb crawlers, picking up any old girl off the street.

Redbindy Sat 01-Dec-12 21:34:59

OP started off about what happened 24 years ago. Now the thread is on about denying women the right to earn a living under our own terms. Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves!

BegoniaBampot Sat 01-Dec-12 21:09:09

But you keep missing out those who are not happy doing it. Whose lives are beyond miserable. do you think it's ok for a man to use a trafficked woman, or someone who has been selling her body since childhood?

strumpetpumpkin Sat 01-Dec-12 21:05:22

i know at least 4 people who i know sell sex or have sold sex happily and are not fucked up from it.

I could do it.

BegoniaBampot Sat 01-Dec-12 21:01:02

Plus I'd imagine a lot of women who start of down this route 'happy' and feel they are in control might come to bitterly regret it some years down the line.

There are happy hookers. I know

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