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to dump my BF for going with a prostitute...

(489 Posts)
snailfiddler Wed 28-Nov-12 20:39:28

... 24 years ago.

On a lads holiday to Amsterdam.

runningforthebusinheels Wed 28-Nov-12 20:41:30

More info needed. Were you with him then? Why has he told you now?

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 28-Nov-12 20:42:11

There is another thread on this, right?

catgirl1976 Wed 28-Nov-12 20:42:58

That is a long time ago

Was it a one off?

Yes you would be unreasonable - I was an entirely different person 24 years ago.

If he now understands why it was wrong, is ashamed and remorseful then surely it's possible to move on.

BOFingTheDude Wed 28-Nov-12 20:43:54

I think it's nice that you still call him your boyfriend after 24 years- I'd feel a bit long in the tooth for that myself grin.

I can see how it would alter your view of somebody, even years later, and that you might not want to stay together. How do you feel about it?

MyComplicatedLife Wed 28-Nov-12 20:44:10

Depends - was it before you got together?

snailfiddler Wed 28-Nov-12 20:45:17

We weren't together then. Only been together 8 months.

Yes, I started a thread in relationships but wanted to gauge wider opinion so started a thread here too, (sorry if this is bad form, not sure of the etiquette, long time lurker, seldom post.)

BOFingTheDude Wed 28-Nov-12 20:50:30

I don't think it's bad form exactly, but you are more likely to get people being rather harsh with you here, and if you are feeling fragile, that's really not what you need. You don't tend to get the most sensitive cross-section of people on mumsnet here.

Would you perhaps be better off bumping your thread in Relationships and reporting this one to ask for it to be deleted?

How old was he at the time?

FreudiansSlipper Wed 28-Nov-12 20:52:33

i am guessing you were not with him

if it makes you feel uncomfortable that is the way you feel is that going to change? yes we all have a past but some put limits on what they find someone has done in their past and some don't or are not as fussed

i went out with a guy for a few years i knew he had used prostitutes on a trip to amsterdam it was about 5 years before i knew him but it bothered me i did not want to be with a man who thinks it is ok to pay a women to have sex. tbh i know if he went again he would do the same thing if i felt his views had changed it may not have bothered me quite so much

ecuse Wed 28-Nov-12 20:52:36

Depends on what his attitude towards it is now. if he was ashamed / remorseful then no.

If he thought it was a bit of a laugh I'd explain why it was massively problematic (I.e. odds are her consent was not meaningful, power dynamics etc).

If after that he still thought it was acceptable / a laugh / no big deal then he wouldn't ultimately be the kind of person I would want to spend my life with.

Cozy9 Wed 28-Nov-12 20:53:36

It was 24 years ago. It's not worth dumping someone over. I think a lot of middle-aged men have similar skeletons in their closets if you look hard enough.

snailfiddler Wed 28-Nov-12 20:54:24

I think he is ashamed. He only did it once and kept begging me not to tell anyone.

lovelyladuree Wed 28-Nov-12 20:59:17

If you dump him YABU. It is only sex that he paid for and probably not for the last time in his life.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Wed 28-Nov-12 20:59:31

Yes, YABU

Unless you feel it's an indication of his attitude to women today...

Or if he is a total loser generally and you are looking for a reason to dump him grin

BOFingTheDude Wed 28-Nov-12 20:59:54

If it predates your relationship and you think he has changed a lot in the interim, I'd try to get past it, tbh. I do think it's a pretty unpleasant skeleton to have, but if he respects your views on it now and regrets it, then it seems very hard on you especially, but both of you, to let go of all those years together. How is the relationship more generally?

Mu1berries Wed 28-Nov-12 21:02:13

I was all set to say no yanbu because I ahte to think about men buying vulnerable women like they're a commodity. It shows a total lack of respect for women.

But. 24 years ago is a long time ago. I would hate to be judged for some of the decisions I made 24 years ago.

Mu1berries Wed 28-Nov-12 21:05:31

"I think he is ashamed. He only did it once and kept begging me not to tell anyone. "

He's not proud of it. He doesn't defend it. I almost feel sorry for the guy! he confessed this to you and I know it is shocking and disappointing but I would forgive him. I don't think he should continue to berate himself for choices he made TWENTY FOUR YEARS AGO. Tell him to forgive himself.

missymoomoomee Wed 28-Nov-12 21:06:30

YWBVU to dump him over a mistake he made 24 years ago that he has no chance of ever fixing unless its a reflection of his attitude now. As you say he is ashamed and begging you not to tell anyone I assumeit isn't. I really can't see your problem tbh. No-one is perfect and we all did silly things in our youth.

BelleJolie Wed 28-Nov-12 21:09:53

Assuming he has been honest with you and that there is no more to the story, I think the fact he only did it once 24 years ago and has not done it since is, to me at least, a pretty good indication that his views have changed on the subject.

It's up to you to decide whether the positives in the relationships outway this one indiscretion that happened a long time ago.

YABU. Most of us have done things in the past that we're not proud of, if he was frequenting brothels/girls now, then you'd do well dumping him. But for a one off 24years ago? No way. That's ALMOST my lifetime!

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 21:16:11

How did this salient fact come to your attention ?

BelleJolie Wed 28-Nov-12 21:16:26

Also...a lad's holiday to Amsterdam. Did he, as a younger, perhaps more impressionable lad, feel pressure to do it? I'm not excusing it per se...but think it may have been a one-off that he regrets. If he is fab in all other ways, I would give him a chance.

AnyFuckingDude Wed 28-Nov-12 21:18:02

I don't think, after 8 months, you can be sure he is "fab in all other ways" tbh

At this early stage in your courting, I would dump, I think

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