Sigh. I have to stick a wooden spoon up dh's arse, don't I?

(326 Posts)
HoneyDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 21:40:34

For 11 years of marriage I have put up with his pathological need to stir what ever is bubbling in a pan. I can live with it.

But he waited till I was out with the dog, and BUTCHERED my chicken into a shredded stringy globby mess!

He had clearly chopped it with the spoon then bashed and shredded it and stirred it into fuckery oblivion. Rendering a dish where you should have had a choice of leg or breast into Chicken and Paprika porridge. Because "It's better that way". The lid did not need lifting, the pan did not need stirring. The dc's were presented with a favourite meal and instead both gave me WTAF is this confused faces.

AIBU to think he you shouldn't fuck with another persons poultry like an obsessive spoonyfucker?

FromEsme Sun 18-Nov-12 11:04:51

The first time I had a stir fry that hadn't been butchered by my mum's heavy-handed stirring, I was amazed by the varying textures, tastes and discernible pieces of meat.

She normally serves up something that's been cooked for a good half hour and mashed into oblivion.

HoneyDragon Sun 18-Nov-12 11:06:15

Worcestershire Sauce on an Avacado????????
An actual Avacado with lea & perrins?

And he expects people to actually put that in their mouths?
Eugusta that's wrongness bordering on pevertedness.

Egusta Sun 18-Nov-12 11:10:32

grin

Actually, we might be a pair. I only eat fresh papaya (when you can get them) with fish sauce. blush

Seriously, it is very good. (Not the avocado thing, the papaya thing).

Jingleflobba Sun 18-Nov-12 11:10:53

This is exactly why I have banned DH from the kitchen when I am cooking in it. Frankly I value our marriage way too much to have it spoilt by getting arrested as a result of general kitchen fuckery. His ability to use every single sodding pan, dish, knife, chopping board and surface to make a simple meal is astounding, even after 15 years...
And don't get me started on why I now use microwave rice... angry

GiserableMitt Sun 18-Nov-12 11:14:59

I think this is one of my favourite MN threads grin

Oh god, I'm married to a spoonyfucker.
He completed fucked my scrambled eggs recently by stirring them into oblivion.
But I am a saltfucker. Especially if my mum is cooking.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sun 18-Nov-12 11:21:06

Dh once added THYME and lemon juice and chilli to a perfectly adequate bottle of Rogan Josh sauce. It was disgusting.

YANBU.

Howling aft this thread gringringringringrin

I am married to a secateurfucker grin The secateurs are now in a very good hiding place. He does know better than to be any sort of cooking fucker though. That would lead at best to divorce and at worst to death.

RandallPinkFloyd Sun 18-Nov-12 11:23:43

stbHx was a spoonyfucker and a cookerknobfucker.

He used to stir then turn down every fucking pan he walked past angry

I wouldn't mind but he was the absolute worst cook ever, I've shared his onion gravy recipe on here many times.

My biggest bugbear was when he boiled potatoes. He boiled them, I mean seriously boiled them. They would be furiously trying to escape the pan as it spat molted hot starchy goo all over the hob for about half an hour.

I don't like my food to be touching, I like each element to be separate then I can combine each mouthful as I see fit. He served everything up as a sort of food soup.

12 years with this man, 12 years sad

MrsDeVere Sun 18-Nov-12 11:35:10

I am married to a FillerFucker.

My house is covered in huge concrete-like lumps. He doesnt sand it down, oh no.
He just fills the fucking hole with a huge lump of filler and it just sits there, for years
Because once it sets you need a sodding industrial sander to remove it.

I don't even mind the bloody holes!

Waspie Sun 18-Nov-12 11:52:04

Oh shit, this thread has made me realise that I'm an interfering spoonyfucker shock I just can't let DP cook on his own, even though I know he's very capable. Is there a 12 step program I can go on?

Surely admitting the addiction is the first step towards recovery?

FromEsme Sun 18-Nov-12 11:53:59

I am a bit of an interfering cooking fucker as well, I'm afraid.

But my partner is a shite cook to be fair. 5 spice in a tomato sauce for pasta, anyone?

GreenyEyes Sun 18-Nov-12 11:55:26

I'm married to a cheffytosser.

I'm frying scallops in a pan ('pan-frying' if you will), timing them carefully on each side.

In comes jackass, grabs the panhandle and tosses the whole lot a la Ainsley feckin Harriott angry

DontmindifIdo Sun 18-Nov-12 11:59:36

OP - your mistake was to serve it once he'd clearly ruined it. You should have said, "Oh god, you've ruined it! I'll have to throw it out." put it in the bin in front of him and loudly said "Kids, Dad's ruined dinner so he's going getting a takeaway, what do you want?" then sit down refuse to cook anything else. Evenutally, he'll learn.

BrianButterfield Sun 18-Nov-12 12:03:45

I have an ExactInstructionsfucker. If it says 12 minutes on the packet, 12 minutes it gets, whether it's still frozen or cremated. And is another one who is OUTRAGED if it's not right.

Also follows recipes to the letter. Is always shouting things from the kitchen like "is this a quarter of a teaspoon?" and "OH NO WE DON'T HAVE ANY CUMIN!!!!" (me - "well leave the cumin out then").

TobyLerone Sun 18-Nov-12 12:27:13

YY ExactRecipeFollowingFucker. Definitely have one of those.

HoneyDragon Sun 18-Nov-12 12:40:05

Aaaah yes the expectation that you can pick a recipie and the kitchen has what you need in the cupboards of magicness. That would be my Dad again.

"What do you mean we don't have any fresh cream in the fridge? Why do we not have any vestal virgin hair plucked at midnight by a purple monkey? I need it! I am half way through cooking!"

FobblyWoof Sun 18-Nov-12 12:41:38

Oh, people should not mess with other people's cooking, YADNBU

BrianButterfield Sun 18-Nov-12 12:42:41

Also a SticklerForSellByDatesFucker. And not in an "oh this milk is a week out of date" way but in a "OMG THIS DRIED GINGER SAYS BEST BEFORE OCTOBER 2012 I CAN'T USE THIS!" way. Just use the fucking ginger. Who even looks at the dates on stuff like that?

HoneyDragon Sun 18-Nov-12 13:02:35

ooooh yes. Spoonfucker-Dh never looks at the date on milk. But always OBEYS the dates on fruit and vegetables. I have to throw all packaging out immediately or anything purchased on a Friday will be binned on Sunday, even though it's fine and was purchased to use on Tuesday.

KateRuggles Sun 18-Nov-12 13:07:20

Yy to followingrecipefucker- 'It says 'a pinch of', how big a pinch should I use?' every five seconds when he's cooking, 'it says 30mls whole milk but we only have semi skimmed, I'll just go to Sainsburys to get some whole milk', 'can fresh nutmeg be used instead of powdered nutmeg?' -I DO NOT CARE, YOU'RE MEANT TO BE COOKING TO GIVE ME A BREAK FROM COOKING. ANSWERING THIS MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE COOKING IS ACTUALLY MUCH HARDER WORK THAN DOING IT MYSELF <and breathe>

Am convinced it's part of an ongoing project to be so crap at things I just do everything myself. Am resisting fiercely, but my god it's hard sometimes.

whois Sun 18-Nov-12 13:08:34

YANBU

Leave the bastard!

Longdistance Sun 18-Nov-12 13:19:12

My dh is banned from my the kitchen.

Fucking up food runs in his family. He has the girls whilst I cook, or I think he'd get a wooden spoon inserted up his bottom too!

Sniggering at cheffytosser grin Doesn't that make you an exactinstructionsfucker though greenyeyes? grin

HoneyDragon Sun 18-Nov-12 13:36:54

I'm obsessing a bit over how one discovers fish sauce goes with papaya here. I need to know.

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