Sigh. I have to stick a wooden spoon up dh's arse, don't I?

(326 Posts)
HoneyDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 21:40:34

For 11 years of marriage I have put up with his pathological need to stir what ever is bubbling in a pan. I can live with it.

But he waited till I was out with the dog, and BUTCHERED my chicken into a shredded stringy globby mess!

He had clearly chopped it with the spoon then bashed and shredded it and stirred it into fuckery oblivion. Rendering a dish where you should have had a choice of leg or breast into Chicken and Paprika porridge. Because "It's better that way". The lid did not need lifting, the pan did not need stirring. The dc's were presented with a favourite meal and instead both gave me WTAF is this confused faces.

AIBU to think he you shouldn't fuck with another persons poultry like an obsessive spoonyfucker?

minouminou Sat 17-Nov-12 22:52:45

Heh heh....you boned a chicken.....
Heh
Heh heh heh..

shellyf Sat 17-Nov-12 22:54:19

Yanbu.He should stand back from the cooker when he is not in charge of the meal.You do need to hide the spoon but perhaps somewhere where he wouldn't find it:-).

My DH is obsessed with food being over cooked. he honestly believes that food isn't supposed to change colour in the oven/when you cook them generally. Except things that are more delicious rare; then he insists on it being cooked so long the delicious roast beef has become almost inedible. The fool thinks that roasted tomatoes should be barely warmed through in the oven and goes on and on about them being burnt because they've actually been roasted.

And he stirs things he shouldn't. And turns down pans that shouldn't be turned down.

And, worst of all, he tries to give me advice on cooking when he can barely cope with microwaving some beans and serving them on toast.

This has made me laugh so hard a teeny bit of wee came out. That hasn't happened for years.

Unlike my own rage at my spoonyfucker DH....his favourite meal is beef casserole like his mother used to make. I think it is a bit meh...but it his ultimate comfort food...so I make it sometimes....and if he gets near it with a spoon he spoonyfuckery turns it into mush.

Spoonyfucker. Brilliant.

OwedToAutumn Sat 17-Nov-12 22:59:31

DH always comes and eats a bit of whatever I'm cooking.

Once he ate so much of he white sauce I was making for a lasagne, I had to cook a whole new batch.

Is he a gobblyfucker?

BloominMarvellous Sat 17-Nov-12 22:59:33

We need a BIG novelty spoon. One with a Santa on the handle. That would hurt good and proper!

They'd think twice next time grin

MadameCreeper Sat 17-Nov-12 23:04:24

My "dp" decided to see if my pan fried chicken was cooked as I was leaving it to rest. As I watched the juices pour out I threatened to stab his steak whilst cooking angry

HoneyDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 23:08:57

My dad is a gobbly fucker. My mum lays out ingredients for a meal and returns to find half of them gone grin

Bunnyjo Sat 17-Nov-12 23:12:44

Argh, my DH is a gobblyfucker and a spoonyfucker. Seriously, he drives me batshit crazy with his twittery. Don't get me started on the sheer amount of pots, pans and utensils he seems to need just to boil a fucking egg...

MmeLindor Sat 17-Nov-12 23:18:42

DH is a spoonyfucker, and a cookerknobfucker.

He also thinks that food will cook faster if you whack the oven up full blast. Then is surprised why the chicken is burnt to buggery on the outside, and still raw inside.

He is not allowed in the kitchen while I am cooking. It took about 14 years to teach him this, so don't give up.

TeaOneSugar Sat 17-Nov-12 23:28:58

I bet the debenhams lady who glared at my interferring DH this afternoon and said "she knows what she's doing" in a tone that made him instantly step back from the counter, grin has a spoonyfucker at home.

I was mid slightly complicated voucher related transaction, I was following it, the lady on the till was following it, but he had to chip in.

DH has form for adding unrequested additional ingredients.

Bluestocking Sun 18-Nov-12 08:08:25

Oh, the horror. My DP is a spoonyfucker, a cookerknobfucker and a gobblyfucker. He turns the gas down "to save the planet, hon". Worst of all, he turns the gas down the wrong way - instead of turning the fucking cooking knob right round as far as it'll go, he turns it back round so it's almost turned off. And last week, he ate an entire 500g block of parmesan in two days.

NOThypocondriac Sun 18-Nov-12 08:28:35

My df is a spoonyfucker, a gobblyfucker AND a cookerknobfucker as well as a saltyfucker - thus DP was chosen carefully for his complete lack of initiative in the kitchen, he's got a limited range of dishes he can cook nicely by himself, anything else I have to cook and he simply looks on with mournful confusion and to get him to touch anything requires careful instruction.

Still irritates me every time I have a meal with my parents - my mum will be happily cooking something and my df will be following her round with the salt grinder, even putting salt in a pan with eggs boiling! To keep his energy up for the general fuckery he'll take great handfuls of anything prepared for cooking - from cheese to raw onion, before turning the gas right up or down, depending on which will have the worst effect, and stirring anything. He should be killed really shouldn't he?

Can I borrow a spoonyfucker from someone for a day - am dying to see what happens if you put something on to cook then hide ALL the utensils, would try it on my df but their kitchen looks like half of Ikea, I'd need a removal van.

TobyLerone Sun 18-Nov-12 08:31:25

This thread makes me realise how lucky I am. I just showed it to DP and he said, "I would never do that!"

He even seemed slightly aghast. Although maybe he was just awestruck at your DH's daring, HoneyDragon.

Bluestocking Sun 18-Nov-12 08:39:10

LOL at "To keep his energy up for the general fuckery".grin

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 18-Nov-12 08:54:33

Mine will stir the chicken for the fajitas (sp) straight after my just doing it.
He is also to my continued annoyance an under simmerer (sp) where chicken currys are watery, because he insists on the exact cooking time and no more, drives me nuts.

HoneyDragon Sun 18-Nov-12 10:21:16

Yes, dh will follow instructions to the letter. So he may cook him sell a pie in the oven. Not check its hot in the middle before serving and then be outraged his pie is cold.

He then blames me for putting it in the wrong part of the fridge making it too cold for the cooking instructions. Which are not on his opinion simply guidelines, but are in fact holy writ.

I care not. I don't like pie.

HoneyDragon Sun 18-Nov-12 10:21:56

Since when was himself not a word? confused

ISingSoprano Sun 18-Nov-12 10:31:36

My dh is a stirrer too. And he turns the heat down under pans. And he adds unrequired seasoning. This from a man who NEVER cooks vs me who has a Cordon Bleu qualification. Grrrrrrr.

Egusta Sun 18-Nov-12 10:42:52

My Dh is also a spoonyfucker, a cookerknobfucker, a gobblyfucker and a pepperfucker. I hate pepper. He knows that. So why does he add pepper to fucking everything?

Drives me mad.

Amnd don't get me started on his obsession with worcester sauce- he puts it is everything- including poached egg water 'because that is what chef's do'.

ImperialStateKnickers Sun 18-Nov-12 10:52:37

I have a variant on spoonyfucker, mine is a secateurfucker. When anything looks like it might possibly be about to flower, he cuts it off 'as it was getting a bit overgrown'.

MadameCreeper Sun 18-Nov-12 10:54:41

Egusta I think he's getting confused with vinegar grin

KenLeeeeeee Sun 18-Nov-12 10:59:41

DH is a recovering spoonyfucker. He even used to interfere with frozen pizzas, mid-ovenning and reduce them to crumbled messy gloops of non-food.

He has since gotten into cooking lots of rice dishes, particularly paella which the recipes state explicitly must not be stirred. It near killed him to start with, but he's pretty good at leaving it the fuck alone now!

Egusta Sun 18-Nov-12 11:00:38

yeah, I know. grin .

(I hate hate hate worcester sauce. He even puts it in
avocados. That's is wierd, right?)

MrsDeVere Sun 18-Nov-12 11:00:59

My oh does it, my eldest son does it, I fully expect each of my four sons to be incapable of passing a stove without giving a pan 'a quick stir'.

Bloody does my head in

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