I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

(893 Posts)
redyam Thu 26-Jul-12 21:47:01

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

RubyRosie Thu 26-Jul-12 21:48:59

YANBU to want to do it but she is also NBU to refuse if she isn't comfortable with it, if it was just a short distance away it would be different but if the child gets distressed without her parents 100 miles is quite a distance for her to be from them.

WorraLiberty Thu 26-Jul-12 21:49:30

Does the Dad not get a say?

3yrs is a bit young for a sleepover if she's not used to it.

I'd wait another few years

BulletProofMum Thu 26-Jul-12 21:50:17

Yanbu to want to.

You can borrow mine smile

DowagersHump Thu 26-Jul-12 21:50:29

I think you need to speak to your son given he is also the child's parent. There might be very good reasons or there might be none at all. How much have you looked after your GD before? Is there any reason your DIL might be reluctant? Do you smoke/drink/do things she disapproves of? Do you disapprove of them or their parenting?

Smoker?

Has the little girl ever been away from home before (not to a relatives house) with or without the parents?

sittinginthesun Thu 26-Jul-12 21:51:08

My dcs are 8 and 5, and it is only now that I feel comfortable leaving them overnight with a grandparent.

I can't even explain it, but the thought of it when ds1 was 3 would have just ripped me to pieces.

I love and trust my MIL, but it would have just felt wrong.

thebody Thu 26-Jul-12 21:51:47

It's the 100 miles that would make me say no as she's only 3.

Please don't take this personally, just a mum being naturally protective. Sure you were the same.

Salmotrutta Thu 26-Jul-12 21:52:06

Hmm - I understand the desire to do this because I'm a Gran too.
(Mind you - it's quite tiring when they get you up at 6.00am when you are used to a lie in)
But if the little girl has never stayed with the GPs on her own before I can see why mum might be a little unsure. What does the son say?
It may be that the DIL thinks 100 miles is just a bit too far if something happened especially as the girl is only 3.

Coconutty Thu 26-Jul-12 21:52:12

Have you asked them why not?

StellarforStar Thu 26-Jul-12 21:52:14

Hmmmm...

Interesting. I would say DIL is unreasonable for not giving you a reason, but as I would not like to leave my 3yo DD with anyone overnight (even DP because I'm that precious!) she is not being unreasonable for saying no.

Maybe you could meet halfway one way or another? Perhaps all go away for the night and DGD stay in your room to see how she settles?

Unless DIL gives you a reason I guess it's difficult for you to think of a halfway.

rosyposyandc Thu 26-Jul-12 21:52:22

As the others have said the age and the distance is maybve a bit much but what is probably more upsetting is the manner in which your dil refused. It sounds rude and blunt which can be hurtful.

redyam Thu 26-Jul-12 21:52:23

It won't be 100 miles away, and if she gets distressed we will take her back that evening, we have said this.

The dad is staying out of it, trying to be the peacekeeper.

Cabrinha Thu 26-Jul-12 21:52:52

The daughter 'belongs' to her parents, not grandmother. Basically, tough luck. So YABU. It sounds like a nice idea, but it's the parents choice.
FWIW, my MIL dotes on my delightful 3yo, but she still wakes at night, can be a trial at bed time when excited, and with no disrespect to MIL, I think she'd find it hard to handle. Plus - well, I want my girl to myself (I travel a lot with work so that's quite personal). But really - its not about trust necessarily, it's about what parents want. Tbh, the phrase 'it would do her the world of good' made my hackles rise... It would be exciting and fun perhaps, but 'world of good' suggests granddaughter NEEDS this - which I would dispute.

I read from the OP that the girl would be 'nearby' as in near her parents' house, not 100 miles at GM house.

DappyHays Thu 26-Jul-12 21:52:55

It is up to DIL. Sounds as if they have a good relly otherwise so MIL should bide her time and wait until DIL is comfortable with it.

RancerDoo Thu 26-Jul-12 21:53:24

I don't think you are unreasonable to want to have her to stay. I do think you are unreasonable to be hurt that it isn't allowed.

Would you be so hurt if it was your son saying no? You seem to be putting the lot on your dil.

Your gd is only three. Maybe her parents would miss her. Maybe they know she struggles with nightmares and worry about her. Maybe she is in the middle of potty training and they want to do that first.

kinkyfuckery Thu 26-Jul-12 21:53:30

Do they ever allow the child to spend a night away with anyone else? Similar distance away?

By the way, what does "I think it will do her the world of good" mean?

lovebunny Thu 26-Jul-12 21:54:43

you are being very unreasonable.

if the child's mum does not want her away from home, that's it, she stays at home.
your wishes don't come into it. you had your go at being a mum, now it's someone else's turn. this isn't about you, it's about the child, and if the mum isn't happy with the arrangement, the child won't be happy either.

you don't have a 'right' to the child - stop feeling so entitled. try to support the mum instead.

milkymocha Thu 26-Jul-12 21:55:08

I LOVE my mother in law and she is fantastic with both my small children but, i still wouldnt want her to have either if them overnight.

Its not personal to her (shes great!) i just think they are too small, id be worried how they would sleep without their usual routine and me, how they would communicate their needs etc.

And also worried that my eldest would drive her crazy grin

Havering Thu 26-Jul-12 21:55:13

Have you or any one else baby sat? Or is this the first time someone else has looked after her? Could you start off having her for an afternoon or baby sitting at their house and build up to the overnight?

Salmotrutta Thu 26-Jul-12 21:55:48

See, we live pretty close to our DD and SIL so having our grandchildren overnight (which we have done since the oldest was about 2) is no problem. And they see us very frequently plus we do standard baysitting regularly.

HeathRobinson Thu 26-Jul-12 21:56:47

To your friend - chill a bit! Plenty of time in the future for sleepovers.
You don't know whether gd is a poor sleeper.
You don't know whether dil had something happen in her childhood that makes her wary of her child being away at night.
You may be seen as people who are dismissive of dil's concerns - would there be smoke alarms, would you take care of gd's favourite (and indispensable!) toy she sleeps with.
Etc, etc.

And why can't you have quality time during the day? confused

marriedinwhite Thu 26-Jul-12 21:58:20

Very young for a sleepover. Why is it so important as she will be asleep for most of the time anyway or might wake you up quite a few times. Why not better for both of you to be rested and to enjoy the following day together.

DowagersHump Thu 26-Jul-12 21:59:20

Oh what bollocks 'if the mum isn't happy, the child won't be'.

If a child has a good relationship with their grandparents, they'll probably be perfectly happy to spend the night at the age of 3. It's not 3 months!

I never quite understand why so many MNers are so precious about this - I'd jump at the chance personally (and actually I do!). DS adores going to stay with his GP and I'm more than happy to let him but I'm of the mind that it takes a village to raise a child and think the suffocating nuclear family is a really bad thing for all concerned. But that's just my opinion obviously smile

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