Mumsnet Talk

My son is 16 at the end of this month. His gf is 14. We are away next week for a night and he wants his gf to come around for a meal and sleep over. Apparently her mum is ok with this but I have yet to check this. Though even if her mum was ok I don't feel right about this. I found out that she has slept in the same bed as my son when I have been away before. So now I have to go away and realise that he may ignore my " no" and do it anyway. In a few weeks he will be 16 and then it will get worse, he could get in trouble with the police. They are way to young in my opinion.

Any one gone thru this before? Opinions appreciated.

I went through this before in that I was the girl.

They will do it anyway. They will being having sex anyway (or will start very soon).

Your best bet is to be calm and make sure they know to be protected and safe.

My parents went in all guns blazing and I can only say that it made the situation worse.

Toughie.

He IS going to be breaking the law, and he has no right to put you in that situation under your roof.

If the gf's mother really IS ok with this then they could go there, although that still doesn't make it right.

Thanks for replies. I suppose just to make matters worse his stepdad is a policeman and he is saying that this compromises him. I suppose I have the final say but I am not there to " police" my son. So how will I really know anyway. DH is a " if he was mine I would say no and that would be the end of it, no discussion" of course he would do what he was told!

Nope,i wouldn't let her stay at my house over night.

She is 14.

She is underage.

The gfs Mother is a fool.

I agree they may well find somewhere else,young people always have done.

That doesn't mean you should have to facilitate/enable it.

Your responsibility is to ensure your DS is aware that she is underage and he could quite well find himself in lots of trouble.
And that they understand safe sex.

If her mother is ok with that then what sort of family does she come from?
It is illegal as well as wrong, can you get someone to come over and check on him? Without knowing your son it's hard to know what to say, but it must be a horrible situation to be in.

littlejo.

You are there to police your son if he is breaking the law in your home.

You teach him right from wrong.

You are his parent and he is still a child.

You are in charge.

Not him.

Maybe you shouldn't be going away if you can't trust him.

You have to say no though, because it is illegal, isn't it?

You really have to say no. She's 14! You can't condone it. Could you arrange for your son to stay at a friends/family member that night?

I am taking his brother to a uni interview. His bio dad works nights and I can't see him finding this as worrying as I do. I don't Have anyone else I can ask. Unless I ring gf s parents up and demand they collect her. Thou they would of been home alone all day as it half term . I have a feeling that they will if they want to whenever they are here alone anyway. Not that I agree with it - how the he'll can I stop it unless I stay guarding the house 24/7.

Sorry, my reply wasn't clear. I think you should say no too but calmly and talk to him about safety and protection. My parents just went mad! Not helpful.

Why don't you ask his Bio Dad to have him over night,he can't be working every night and the Uni interview must have been planned for a while.

Maybe his Dad can get the night off.

You can only ask.

But you cannot actually say it's ok.

When it's not ok.

He is still your responsibility, and is the Step Dad going to the interview aswell?

Will he not be at home the night you are away?

I think you need to talk this through with him. Explain to him why you don't want this to happen, both the fact that you think they are too young and also the fact that it is unlawful and he could get into some serious trouble over it.
If you speak to him like an adult and with some respect he might just surprise you?

Have tried talking to him and he is listening but can't see any issue at all! Yes stepdad is coming to interview as it's a ten hour drive each way so we are taking turns. The uni trip was planned but the gf overnight thing just came up as he wanted me to buy ingredients for his romantic meal! Plus bio dad started this job on Monday so is not going to be able to take time off already.

I knew what I should do but I suppose it's helped getting feedback off you lot. I will inform gfs parents we are away and they are not to be together over night. At least they have some idea they will be in an empty house during the day.

Do you think I can do anymore?

sigh. You say 'No' but be aware that they will do it anyway. You make sure that you have talked to your DS about contraception, and consent, and about the fact that sex when he is old enough to do it should be an enjoyable experience for all concerned.

And then you bear in mind that consensual sex between two teenagers who consider themselves in love with one another is not actually a bad thing to happen. So you don't make a huge great big deal about it and don't snoop for evidence.

Can he not go with you and his brother to the uni interview?

I'd definitely let gf's parents know you'll be away. If you wouldn't allow gf to sleep in the same bed while you're in the house, your rules should still stand when you're away. I'm not sure what else you can do tbh.

Do you think I can do anymore?

No. The most you can do is not condone it but know that it'll happen anyway and make sure they're safe. If you ban them from doing it in the house they'll do it in a car park!

14 and 15 is pretty young even nowadays, they may not be having penetrative sex.

When he's 16, you can explain that it is against the law and that he's putting his stepdad in an impossible situation. Then they'll start doing it in car parks again

My mum allowed my bfs to stay when I was 15 we slept in the same bed but didn't have sex.

Whoever said what kind of mother is the gfs mum? That's just rude, you don't no what kind of mother she is, she may have a very close/ honest relationship with her dd!

Some things just don't make sence at 14 your aloud to babysit and be incharge of a Childs life yet u can't have sex, but at 14 ur aloud to have sex therefore risking pregnancy (if not safe) and becoming a parent yet you can't have an alcoholic drink.

If your not comfortable with this situation say no, your his mum.
Maybe talk to the girls mum about it to so she knows where u stand? I would also make sure your son has condoms etc just incase they're having sex already.

Woos ment at 26 you can have sex

I agree. What kind of mum lets her 14 year old out to stay overnight unsupervised to have illegal sex with her boyfriend. Not a clever one at the very least

Why do strangers feel it's ok to judge people when they don't know the full story?

Because there isn't anything you could add to the story that would make it OK or a good idea?

My so is the same age as yours. I wouldn't leave mine alone in the house over night, because I think he is still young. My son wouldn't be bringing a girl into the house for a sleep over either.
Your son needs to either arrange for a sleepover with a male friend whose parents you know and trust, or you need to arrange an adult to sleep over in you house ( and cook tea etc.).
Actually with my son i could imagine he would just oversleep and miss school.

However actually, why do you need to go to a uni interview with your older son, he is the one who should be going on his own.

Sorry, but although they "may be doing it anyway" you need to act like a parent here, and care for the younger child. I would also suggest you need to talk bluntly to him about protection, and the fact it doesn't always work.

Are they actually going to have sex? He might just want company. Ask him.