Not going to see MIL. AIBU?

[clicarhel]

Dh and myself have been married a few years now (no dc's as yet). Anyway, his widowed mother lives 70 miles away so we only see her a few times a year (although in her early 70's, she is very active) when she visits us.
It is an open secret that we do not get on. She dislikes me and the feeling is mutual. We're too polite to actually say that we dislike each other but it is obvious.

Dh wants to visit her in the next few months. I suggested that given our mutual dislike, some excuse could be found so that he visited her alone (it would only be for one day. He can't tolerate her for longer himself!). I see it as a 'win-win' situation. He can spend time with his mum alone, we can have a break from each other, she doesn't have to see me and vice versa. But, no, according to him she would be 'put out' by my not being there.

I just don't get it. We can't stand each other. AIBU? If not, how can I get my dh to see sense? It wouldn't be something I avoided ALL the time, just now and again. After all, I've got to be here when she visits us at our home.

[TidyDancer]

If it's important to your DH and it's only every few months, I'd suck it up and do it personally. It's not like it's every week or even every month, is it?

[Kayano]

I would go. She is 70 and alone and if she has never told you she doesn't like you... Err how do you know?

Hardly going to improve relations. Why not
Go and visit, it's not like it happens
Very often or is a weekly thing and you don't want to go every week!

Suck it up

[hiddenhome]

YANBU life is too short to spend it with people you don't get on with and who don't like you. Your dh needs to respect your wishes. I didn't always visit my PIL if I wasn't feeling like it, dh used to go alone many a time. They were nice, but sometimes I just didn't want to.

[WorraLiberty]

What has she done that's so awful you can't tolerate her for one day every few months?

[Slambang]

Well...

do you want to make the animosity between you and MIL an open impossible to ignore fact?

Or would you prefer to grin and politely bear it once a year for your dh's sake?

I'd say you need to be the bigger party here and act a polite grown up for your dh's sake, would't you?

[hiddenhome]

Just say you have an upset tummy or need to do an important project for work.

[Mrsrobertduvall]

I never visited mil with dh...he only went about twice a year, but I refused to go in the end. Too stressful.
Dh would be on edge, journey horrible because of that.....no love lost between us.
Now she is no longer with us, I enjoy visiting FIL.

[SuchProspects]

If he can't stand her for more than a day himself I suspect he really wants you there to make it easier on him.

[PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom]

The phrase "tough shit, I don't like her" is a complete answer to give your DH Why does he want the woman he loves to have to spend time with someone she dislikes, and why does he want his mother, who he loves, to have to spend time with someone she dislikes? He just wants you to "share the misery" I bet - buthe has to go, she's his mother.

[googietheegg]

clicahel 70 miles is really not very far, so I don't know why it's a big deal to visit more often - if your DH went more frequently I don't think it would matter if you sometimes didn't go, but if it's just a few times a year you should go really. Unless you don't care that it looks a bit rude and is all a bit false...

[Gumby]

God what will you do if you have children?

You'll be spending birthdays, Xmas, etc with her

Better to mend bridges / get over it now or get out the relationship

Family issues cause enormous pressure on relationships

Does your dp like your family?

[seeker]

"The phrase "tough shit, I don't like her" is a complete answer to give your DH"

Well I hope that a) you have no sons and b) you don't believe in khama!

[hiddenhome]

Her dh can always take any children to go and see her. Why is everyone insisting upon these martyrdom visits? There's no point. She can spend her time relaxing or catching up on jobs. It's his mother not hers and adults can choose whom they spend time with, unless it's at work and then at least you're getting paid.

[jalopy]

What a depressing thread.

[signet]

Suck it up....just one day with you and his mother is all he's asking. You could surely make the effort for one day?

[fuzzywuzzy]

Surely if the MIL doesn't like the OP she wouldn't want her there anyway, waving DH and kids (if there are any) off to see MIL is win win by the sounds of things.

[2rebecca]

Kharma is crap and so I doubt many intelligent people do believe in it. If my son marries and his girlfriend and I don't get on why would i want her to visit? Different if the OP was talking about not "letting" her husband or the grandkids go but she just mentioned herself not going.
I agree that if just every few months I would go, but I often travel to visit my dad by myself or just with the kids, and my husband often pops round to visit his parents after work.
I don't feel the need to do things 2 by 2 just because I am married.

[whostolemyname]

i think YABU. It will be a bit of a crap day for you, yes. But your DH wants you to go. Its once a year. Do it to make him happy. She hasn't done anything obviously dreadful. Its no biggy in the grand scheme of things.

[SarahDoctorIndyHouse]

I get that you don't like her, but do you have any evidence that she doesn't like you? You move from 'we do not get on' to 'we can't stand each other' remarkably quickly.

Seventy miles is really all not that far if you have your own transport and yet it seems you never make any effort to see her. Until quite recently I commuted that distance 5 ays a week! If your DH were suggesting a whole weekend or more, or really frequent visits I would have a lot of sympathy with you, but really is few hours every few months really too much to ask? Can you put your hand on your heart and say you do everything possible to get along. She is your dh's flesh and blood after all.

And if you and DH really want a break from each other, can't that be arranged some other time. If there are no children in the equation I would have thought that would be relatively kerfuffle free

[SarahDoctorIndyHouse]

Really too many reallys! Sorry!

[lisacn]

I like my MIL but I think its important for DH to have time with her just the two of them, life is too short to me unhappy even if its just for one day

[IKilledIgglePiggle]

As the mum of sons I think I will be hiding this thread, is it just me who's thinking what about the poor 70 year old lady.

[SarahDoctorIndyHouse]

life is too short to me unhappy even if its just for one day




My first. Yayyyy!!

[clicarhel]

If she liked me (tons of evidence to suggest that she does not, btw, 'God, is she PREGNANT?' screeched down phone to dh when he told her we were getting married. I had to bite my tongue NOT to shout 'No it's not compulsory these days'. As it was for her ), then, yes, of course I would go. I'd go if she just annoyed me a bit, I am not intolerant. But we really do dislike each other. I just don't see the point of going if she feels the same. Which she does.

I am not suggesting that I avoid her all the time? By goodness I would if I could but I can't, but once in a while?

[notyummy]

YANBU. Unless she had done something specific to upset me, then I would go. Equally, have you done something to upset her? Has she asked her DS not to bring you round? Maybe I am old fashioned, but I think it's a real shame when someone can't make just a bit of effort to spend time with their family. Can't he have an adult discussion with his DM and ask her if she would like you to come? Or whether she feels awkward with you - and if so, why? Cards on the table and all that. If and when you have children, these family ties can become really important, and I have a huge amount added to my life by both my DM and my MIL - despite the fact they can be annoying at times!