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AIBU?

... not to want DH to go on this stag weekend?

129 replies

FrozenNorthPole · 03/03/2011 20:04

It's taken some courage to post here so please don't be too harsh.

The question is: would you be happy / unhappy for your other half to go away to an overseas stag weekend (2 nights, 3 days) in these circumstances?

Background: DH is currently away with the army. We have 2 young children: 2.5 and 1 year. We have no family nearby to help. He should be back at some point after 7th May, though we don't know when and won't for a long time. He's booked to go on an overseas stag weekend a couple of weeks after he's back. He's not particularly close to the guy who's getting married, but some of his close friends are going.

My perspective: if I'd been away from my spouse and children for several months, I wouldn't want to go away just a few days after coming back. I feel sad that it's going to be yet another weekend on our own. I also feel a bit pissed off that I won't get any chance to work that weekend (I'm desperately trying to finish my PhD before my supervisor retires, which is in August).

His perspective: he'll have had a long and tiring trip abroad. He's a doctor so hasn't been on the front line. He's been doing probably 80% GP stuff and 20% trauma medicine. But he hasn't seen his friends for ages.

In my position, how would you feel? AIBU to feel resentful of this planned trip - should I just suck it up, or would you feel the same?

Thanks for any input.

OP posts:

Report

domesticslattern · 03/03/2011 20:09

YANBU to feel resentful. I would too.

But (deep breath) you would be a bit unreasonable to tell him he couldn't go with his close friends who he hasn't seen for ages. And he'll be super super grateful, no?- so you could get some sort of favour or weekend or whatever you want for yourself, in return?

So, I'd feel the same. But I'd try hard to cover it up, with good grace. Probably not very successfully, but I would try.

FrozenNorthPole · 03/03/2011 20:11

Thank you - deep down I agree with you. I wish I could shake my self-pity

OP posts:

Mafrac · 03/03/2011 20:13

I think you are being unreasonable.

He will be back a couple of weeks before he heads off you say, and it is only a stag weekend.

I know that it is like to have two young children (I have 2 under 2) and to have a husband who works away.

The family that do live near me would be delighted to see us for an hour or so but there would be no assistance with childcare.

It is mind bending sometimes.

I wouldn't begrudge DH time out for a stag weekend because I wouldn't expect him to begrudge me a weekend away if I wanted it.

Could you plan a little jaunt yourself - even an afternoon off or something - so that you have something to look forward to as well . Or could you agree with him that you have two "work days" when he comes back from the stag ?

(Think you are superwoman to be attempting a PHD with two smallies btw)

FabbyChic · 03/03/2011 20:14

Understand you want him home and when he gets home that is where he stays, but surely he deserves a break too, can't be easy doing what he does.

I say let him go and wish him good times.

BringOnTheGoat · 03/03/2011 20:16

YANBU - it's not self pity really

I can see both sides and I'm sure you'll wave him off with a smile

tazmintee · 03/03/2011 20:17

unreasonable, give the chap a break

FrozenNorthPole · 03/03/2011 20:19

Thank you for helping me be reasonable

If I got an afternoon off, I'd spend it sleeping. DD2 still waking 3-4 times per night to feed and feel like a zombie most of the time!

OP posts:

Dancergirl · 03/03/2011 20:20

This has touched a nerve with me tonight as dh and I have been debating whether he should go out with his friend tonight after being v busy at work so we haven't seen each other properly all week.

I know completely how you feel but I would give him your blessing to go. At least he'll be back for a couple of weeks first - you can have a proper catch-up and then he'll only be away for a weekend.

Really difficult though....and I'm rubbish at hiding my resentment!

atthecarwash · 03/03/2011 20:23

YANBU....I've been in a similar situation to ours with my DH and he went. I really resented him for ages and wish I'd spoken out more before the trip, I was just too shocked at how selfish his behaviour was. anyway, that was a couple of years ago and I soon forgot!
Problem is if you ask him not to go, he'll resent you. So either way, one of you will feel bad.

fluffles · 03/03/2011 20:24

what happens when he's back? does he get actual days off to spend at home? or can he organise some? do you work all week?

i think that the best scenario would be for him to go on this weekend away but you to find some other time together by taking a day or two off the week before or after.

justcarrots29 · 03/03/2011 20:25

My husband is RAF and I also feel like this. I always think that they get sent away so often it is not something that they should want to do voluntarily.

I would not want him to go but I would also not tell him couldn't go either. Awful position to be in really so I hope you are ok and don't get too down about it. I know I do when my husband does voluntary expeds etc.

PlasticLentilWeaver · 03/03/2011 20:27

It's not like he is flying home and then straight out again. I'm another Forces wife, and would have no problem with DH doing this. He probably wants to do something 'normal' for a weekend, let his hair down a bit, maybe talk to his mates about the tour. It doesn't mean he loves you any less, in fact he'll probably love you more for accepting it.

I can't remember the exact phrase, but its something to do with the looser the grip, the tighter the hold.

Devilforasideboard · 03/03/2011 20:27

If he's got a lot of leave post-tour you might be grateful for a bit of space after a couple of weeks

GreenEyesandHam · 03/03/2011 20:27

I would feel hurt that he wanted a weekend away from us so soon after coming back, so I can see your side of it.

Grit your teeth and let him go though

BluddyMoFo · 03/03/2011 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MooMooFarm · 03/03/2011 20:32

Sorry - but I think YABU - but I would be just the same and I don't blame you at all.

I think you do need to 'suck it up' and not complain about him going. I hate the whole 'long weekend abroad' for a stag do idea - what's wrong with a night out clubbing like way back in my day [showing my age now}. But that does seem to be the way stag do's are done now.

Can't you try to organise something nice for yourself while he's on the do? Even just getting some friends over for when the children are (finally) asleep for a dvd, pizza and wine?

And think of all the brownie points you'll gain from being so understanding!

winnybella · 03/03/2011 20:32

Tbh the biggest problem I would have would be if the stag weekend involved a strip club- from a feminist pov, not jealousy iyswim.

Other than that- yes, I would be pissed off, I think. If it was his best friend getting married, than would be a different story.

FrozenNorthPole · 03/03/2011 20:35

Ah, a strip club is one thing I don't have to worry about. He finds them repulsive and degrading, and tends to take himself to bed if the rest of the group decide to go to one.

He's a really nice chap. Wish I could be more selfless!

OP posts:

MooMooFarm · 03/03/2011 20:35

This reminds me of when DH & I got married, he was invited on a stag weekend which was starting the day we were getting back from our honeymoon. I was gutted at the thought of getting home to start our married life, DH carrying me over the threshold and all that, then packing his bags and buggering off on the piss without me. I really didn't want him to go - but I didn't say so as didn't want to start our marriage as a nagging old moo.

But come the day we got home he cancelled anyway because he was too knackered!

Nothing to do with your story - sorry for waffling on

expatinscotland · 03/03/2011 20:35

No.

I think it's a stupid, ridiculous waste of money. I think the whole idea of going abroad for stag do's is fucking ridiculous.

Howcanimakeitbetter · 03/03/2011 20:36

It's credit in the bank for you, grit yer teeth and let him go

MooMooFarm · 03/03/2011 20:37

explain I agree re the money side of it and always think that myself - but as OP didn't mention that I assumed the money wasn't the issue?

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iskra · 03/03/2011 20:38

I totally get why you don't want to go - but I think you need to suck it up & let him go. Can you make a plan for yourself for that weekend? Friends, family?

expatinscotland · 03/03/2011 20:39

I can't believe he even wants to go. Why on Earth is it seen as a treat to go piss money up a wall and oggle prostitutes? Beyond stupid.

Honeybee79 · 03/03/2011 20:39

Tricky. I don't blame you for feeling resentful under the circumstances - I would too. However, I would let him go but emphasise that, other than the stag do, you need a break from childcare to work on your doctorate and that you also want some quality family time while your DH is back at home.

If he's anything like my DH, he'll have a great time and come back all energised and ready to ease the load at home. Suspect it will be better overall if he goes!

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