Need input here please-desperate.

[L0ST]

This is going to be a long first post, please bear with me. I'm hoping to get a female perspective on this but men can feel free to chip in.
Background first. I'm male, we are in our 40's, married since '96. 11yo & 10yo kids. Great relationship till kids came along/work & life stresses ramped up. Mismatch of sex drives......the usual stuff. I am not the easiest to live with as I'm slightly Aspergers, have a terrible memory and probably have self esteem issues due to a very controlled upbringing (mother)that my wife has to put up with as well (though that problem is mostly better now). There is a lot of water under the bridge in our relationship (my stubbornness and inability to listen/remember issues etc.)which causes my wife deep resentment. We live in the UK.
I love my wife deeply and am very loyal.

The problem du jour:
A year ago my wife asked me if I minded her contacting an old boyfriend and another male friend on facebook (you can see whats coming).
I agreed, nice of her to ask.

A couple of months later she left her laptop open on a facebook conversation she was having with the male friend (married, doctor, USA)
She had written that she had seen a hunky cyclist that day and that had made her think of him. Oh dear, I thought. Best keep an eye on this......which I did from time to time till a few months later she changed her password.

I agonised over this and eventually installed a keylogger on her lappy. The password change coincided with her telling him that she would really like to "cuddle up to with him next top an open fire, mmmmm, what a lovely dream that would be". My heart sank.
Over the next months there were various other comments of a less worrying nature, her telling him how great her bottom looks (it does).....him telling her what great foot massages he gives......her telling him how all the nurses must fancy him.

They were messaging each other pretty much every day. After a few other flirty comments I finally decided to confront her in early December 2010.
She denied that her comments were any more than harmless banter and that she has no feelings for him and he "doesn't do anything for her" (sexually)
I pointed out that her statement didn't make sense given what she had written and how often they were in communication.
Eventually she admitted that she felt that she had "overstepped the mark" and that she enjoyed the attention from him.
She said that I had been right to spy on her and that she would have done the same.
I explained that in light of what they had been saying I was unhappy with her continuing to communicate with him but that I also felt guilty for wanting her to stop the communication.
She volunteered to communicate less frequently, stop flirting and eventually peter out the conversation.

I removed the keylogger but continued to monitor facebook (she said she was happy for me to do so and that I could bring up the subject whenever I wanted to as I was very upset about it and would need to talk)

A month later she deleted the conversation as well as all the facebook emails sent to her email addy (permanently from the 'deleted items' folder in outlook).

The new thread in facebook started mid conversation...
I asked her why she had deleted it ( I hadn't looked at it for a week) and she said that it had been accidental and that she had deleted the emails from him so that I wouldn't get upset if I noticed that they were there. Hmmmm.....
I pointed out that I had no way of knowing what they had discussed in the last week and that it made me suspicious of what had been said during that time.
She said that nothing untoward had been said and to put my mind at ease in the future, promised to never delete his emails from outlook or the facebook conversations again.

I quietly reinstalled the keylogger.

Yesterday I noticed that a new conversation had been started and that the first few posts had been deleted!! She had also deleted his emails!
I confronted her with this.
At first she denied deleting anything, then she "remembered" that she had written to him to tell him that I was aware of her being a little too "friendly" with him.
The keylogger also showed that she had expressed her dismay that she could no longer carry on the conversations like she used to with him. (she denies that's about the flirting, merely that she now feels awkward when she writes to him)
In addition she finally admitted that she had also deleted his reply to her (I had to drag all this out of her).

She is now upset with me for being suspicious of her and feels that since (she claims) nothing untoward was said in what was deleted I should draw a line under this. I pointed out that if nothing untoward was said that there was no need to delete anythin....
In addition I am now "being controlling", it's my problem and I have got to "deal with it" myself.
I replied that I want her to stop the correspondence immediately. She refused, saying that its her life and talking to him makes her happy. I pointed out that it makes me very unhappy. Her response was that its my problem since she is now doing nothing wrong in her conversations with him and that I should trust her(again).
Am I overreacting? Should I trust her? I don't know what to do. I love her deeply but I feel she has deceived me three times now.
She is steaming angry with me now btw....I think our marriage is on the rocks.

[Kitsichick]

I don't believe this message is for real. You are not using language in the way an Aspergers person would at all. And if you have to ask a group of strangers if your marriage is on the rocks or not I would think you know the answer. Find something more productive to do with your time than pretend to be someone else.

[L0ST]

It is for real, I am for real. I am merely borderline Aspergers. I only wrote about that so that people here could understand that I often suffer from 'foot in mouth' syndrome.

[MrSpoc]

Sorry to hear but she is way out of order and how is she turning this round on you.

It is clear that she has had a relationship with him in the past (about how she gives foot massages).

It is wrong for her to continue talking to him. she should delete him and block him from Facebook.

Would she mind if you did this to her?

[L0ST]

.....and I'm not asking if my marriage is on the rocks. I'm asking if I'm overreacting.

[MrSpoc]

Kitsichick - how have you come to that conclusion.

He is here because his wife is turning it around on him and he is not sure if he is in the wrong if she is.

[MrSpoc]

LOST - No your not.

[KnittedBreast]

I did something similar and had it not stopped where it did it would probebly have gone all the way. It sounds like she bored with her life and her relationship.
Once peoples feelings change it can be hard to get it back. If shes looking for a bit of excitement (it sounds like she does, not that she dousnt want you). Id suggest you plan something nice together, a trip away or a weekend somewhere exciting. Remind her that if you were to seperate she would find herself in the same situation ( a bit bored etc..) in ten years just with a different man. remind her of all the good things you have in your life, because its a case of same shit different bloke im afraid. she attracted to the danger and heart flittering that comes with a new relationship and unfortunatly its what you do when the going gets tough that defines you. Other wise shel find herself fleeing every relationship after 10 years or so, what will she do when shes old and grey and all alone? theyl be alot of regret.

Hope it all works out for you

[L0ST]

[quote]Would she mind if you did this to her?[/quote] She says she wouldn't mind.
I don't think she had a sexual realtionship with him either. But I do wonder if she has looked back with regret.....she says not.

[Kitsichick]

I do apologise
I have been very over hasty. I wish you luck OP and suggest a bottle of wine and a talk with your wife might be better than getting upset, perhaps? Good luck.

[SaggyOldBaggyOld]

You are not over reacting. I have a friend whose marriage nearly ended over an online relationship. If it had started as purely platonic and no flirting or suggestive talk then that would be okay. As she has clearly taken it one step further it's not on. If she respected you she would stop all contact with this person.

[L0ST]

In her defence, there wasn't much flirting over the last year but what there was, was hurtful. And she agrees that she shouldn't have done it. Her beef with me now is that since she has promised to never do it again I should be ok with her continuing with him....even after she has deleted two threads and his emails before I could see them.

[ApocalypseCheeseToastie]

The inclusion of every minute detail leans towards Aspergers for me [bwink]

I think she's just flirting, maybe bored with her life and he sounds so exciting....Maybe if she had a chance she would take it further, she should stop what she's doing, mainly because it's making you feel so hurt

[L0ST]

The inclusion of every minute detail leans towards Aspergers for me wink


Thats one of the things we have a problem with.....

[ApocalypseCheeseToastie]

Me too [bwink]

[Fortuana]

Hi Lost, can't see why you wouldn't be genuine and if not I daresay there will be others in a similar situation.
I find the keyloggers and snooping a bit creepy. My relationship isn't like that and would find it difficult and would be angry if my Dp (does that stand for other half?) went snooping through my private correspondence.
It looks as if your wife may be feeling the need to be desired and have a bit of a flirt. After a few years of marriage and being bogged down with real life I daresay she may hanker for those carefree days when she felt like her and wasn't a wife, mother, daughter-in-law. It doesn't automatically follow she will want to be jumping into bed with somebody else, or leave for pastures new but it's obvious she could do with a little attention, the odd compliment about how you still love and desire her and maybe if time and money will allow, you and her find a 'project' for the pair of you to undertake and enjoy. If you wish to take away something which she is enjoying it's only fair you replace it with something else.

[AnotherMumOnHere]

Nothing to do with the thread ... but I think these social networking sites are the scourge of the earth. Cause so much trouble and lots of problems.

Only a place for people to air their dirty washing and that is not a good thing.

Hope things work out for you Lost. GL x

[MrSpoc]

she should accept that it is hurtful for her to continue contacting this guy. She was flirting with him. all he needs to do now is say I think your sexy and i bet she would respond. I would not be happy unless she blocked him from FB

[L0ST]

**I wish you luck OP and suggest a bottle of wine and a talk with your wife might be better than getting upset, perhaps? Good luck.

Thanks. The problem I now have is that I suspect that if we discuss this anymore she will get really angry with me since the "discussions" end up going in circles with no real resolution. (another problem we have)

I'm not here for marriage guidance btw. I mainlt want to know if I am overreacting.....& perhaps get a womans take on the situation.

[solo]

MrSpoc, he the other man says that he gives great foot massages.

Kitsichic, my 17yo nephew has Aspergers and would use exactly this kind of language and he's not mildly affected either.

[L0ST]

@Fortuana

I compliment her all the time and tell her I love her every day. She is often not very tactile towards me (she blames it on her upbringing and I believe her). One of the problems I have with the flirting is that she never does that with me ( I do with her)

[RevoltingPeasant]

Kitsichick

I wonder how many people with Asperger's you know. I have worked with people with AS who are excellent creative writers, e.g., and have very nuanced control of language. But they have difficulties in other areas, such as focusing overly on one thing, not being able to manage time, or being overly 'direct'.

Lost

I can sympathise here. It's nowhere near the same extent, but my DP keeps up friendships with people whom he has had big crushes on in the past. I don't like to be controlling so I live with it.

BUT.... the difference here is that she is actively doing stuff that's hurting you. In a marriage, that's not okay. If my DP started behaving inappropriately with those women, I'd say:

'What you're doing is hurting me, and we need to address that. What do you suggest?'

Then listen. But if ultimately she wants to cyberflirt with her doctor AND have a steady loving husband, I'd say she can't. If she is basically intransigent, I'd either go for counselling or give her an ultimatum: you or the internet flirtations.

Good luck.

[ApocalypseCheeseToastie]

Do you keep just discussing the issue ??

Have you got angry over it ?

Maybe you need to show her how upset and angry you feel that she thinks it's okay to hurt you in this way.....it might get you some answers.

[kaj32]

I don't think you are over reacting. She admits she was wrong but carries on emailing the guy and hides the conversations. Sounds like she is trying to pick fights to me.

Have you suggested relate? I think it would be a good idea to talk to a professional. I hope you get this sorted

[L0ST]

I got angry last night.
I feel increadably creepy over the spying and hate myself for doing it.
I believe her (just about) when she says that she has stopped flirting......but I have no way of knowing what he has said to her now.

[RevoltingPeasant]

Sorry Lost, just seen your post about not wanting marriage guidance

So scratch my other post and leave it as: you are not overreacting. You said it yourself, she's hurting you, and she is your wife, so she should be the one person you can rely on not to do that.