Fellatio's thread for a Poncetastic Christmas.

(1001 Posts)
FellatioNelson Fri 24-Sep-10 17:02:01

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

coatgate Fri 24-Sep-10 17:03:26

Oooh count me in - but need to get DDs birthday weekend out of the way first. I'll be back......

SoupDragon Fri 24-Sep-10 17:03:52

I'm not convinced that fellatio will result in a poncetastic Christmas. One that your elderly aunt Josephine may not forget for a while, certainly, but not poncetastic.

.

FellatioNelson Fri 24-Sep-10 17:08:46

confused C'mon don't be shy ASLD. You know you want to.

QueenofDreams Fri 24-Sep-10 17:11:36

Don't think we're having a particularly poncetastic Christmas this year. DC2 due Christmas Eve.

So on Christmas Day I'll either a) have a newborn b)be in labour or c) be overdue confused

FellatioNelson Fri 24-Sep-10 17:12:42

Lovely. You can call him Jesus.

Eleison Fri 24-Sep-10 17:14:19

the words Fellatio and Christmas together make me think they must be part of a Latin carol.

Something like 'Gaudete, Christus est natus! Fellatio in excelsis!'

FellatioNelson Fri 24-Sep-10 17:16:52

QueenofDreams Surely you've got time to hand knit a little poncho with reindeer antlers? Or make some authentic swaddling like the baby Jesus had? Fashion a manger out of wood? It's the very least your baby deserves, plus it scores high on the Festive Ponce Scale.

LowLevelWhiingeing Fri 24-Sep-10 17:21:25

I aspire to a lovely poncetastic Christmas, but have never achieved anything resembling one sad so I have very little to offer...

I am keen though! When I was about 8 I spent two weeks shut away in the dining room carefully making a Blue Peter nativity scene out of mum's tights. There's still some of it left (much to DP's joy).

Am I in?

QueenofDreams Fri 24-Sep-10 17:21:40

grin
My Dad's good at carpentry I'll get him to make a manger wink

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 24-Sep-10 17:22:01

Fellatio I will lurk. We are going to my Mum's and she does a fabulously poncetastic Christmas.

I am gathering ideas of my own though in preparation for the year I make the break and invite them to come here rather than us going there.

I do decorate here though, so I may steal your idea about oranges grin

FellatioNelson Fri 24-Sep-10 17:28:01

Yes yes all welcome, even if you are only novice/wannabe Ponces. Watch and learn ladies.grin

There is a Christmas topic you know.

I love gravy granules.

Would rather shrivel and orange in an oven then try ot get all the white pith off it - easy peel my arse.

FellatioNelson Fri 24-Sep-10 17:32:02

Is there? Where? Should we move? I'm going to look.

This is my first Christmas. When I say that I don't mean that I've been living in India for the past 30 years, but I am for the very first time in CHARGE! Only me and husband to cater for but that won't stop me cooking for 10 and filling the house with guff.

So I need an action plan. When do I need to order my goose (never had it for Christmas and reckon it' probably a more manageable size).

Also how do I prevent the inevitable getting smashed on Christmas Eve on mulled wine and G&T, given I don't have a 7 hour bus-tube-train-plane-car journey ahead of me as normal, which normally delays the drinking until 10pm?

Also Christmas cards; how do you organise them? Does anyone have a mail merge jobbie?

woolymindy Fri 24-Sep-10 17:41:12

'table centrepiece triumphs'

I have never had one of these......

FellatioNelson Fri 24-Sep-10 17:43:28

OK, I'll start you off with our HIDEOUS Christmas tradition called 'The Snowman'.

First of all you fashion a snowman out of a lidded bucket/receptacle of some sort, or make it out of a cylinder of stiff carboard, cover it in cotton wool/duvet filling/whatever, woolly hat, face, etc.

For every person present at the lunch table you must have one small token silly gift. Wrap it and attach a name label, and put it in the snowman.

After lunch/dinner everyone in the family has to do a 'turn' of some sort. It can be reciting a poem, telling a joke, singing a song, playing the recorder, a card trick - you get the idea. (It's best to start practising now - the potential for humiliation is enormous) and after each person had performed, they get their present from inside the Snowman. It's wonderful and excrutiating all at the same time.grin

And you can video people and laugh at them for years to come. And I do. And it's very sweet looking back on your kids doing their turns when they were little.

FellatioNelson Fri 24-Sep-10 17:44:56

Stick around woolymindy and you will.

That is super hideous. Especially the filming grin

I have just made chutney from the apples and will be putting it in tiny jars with gingham labels and tomorrow will be buying silicon chocolate moulds from Lakeland to make bespoke slabs of 80% cocoa fairtrade chocolate with ginger which I am currently soaking in syrup and cointreau.

FellatioNelson Fri 24-Sep-10 18:09:28

This thread was MADE for you whomoved. And you are super organised as well. You are already ahead on the Festive Ponce Leader Board.

I might copy the chocolate.

FattyArbuckel Fri 24-Sep-10 18:11:30

OK this is the first year I am going to make my own christmas pud. What recipe should I use?

MarionCole Fri 24-Sep-10 18:12:14

I'm a wannabe ponce, doing Christmas at our house this year rather than the parents' so it's down to me. I would love it to be lovely.

I have already made beetroot and ginger pickle.

And I have thought about making the cake.

I am already on the look out for 'nice cards' (in the fashion of 'nice ham') but am thus disappointed. Have handcrafted cards before but frankly they looked shoddy.

hah I am bottling sloe gin and bramble vodka, and intend to make limoncello and citrus whiskey, to give as gifts with pretty tags

I make the most amazing lemon curd too

I dry orange slices and make decorations with dried chillies and drilled cinnamon sticks

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