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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Do all women deny themselves for their families, or is it just mothers?

86 replies

Ormirian · 23/12/2010 18:49

Was anyone else brought up to give the rest of the family the biggest portion of food, if it's running short? To worry more about what they give at christmas than they receive? Is it a woman thing? Or just a mother thing? And is it generational - a hang over from the war and rationing? I wasn't around during rationing but I was brought up by a mother that was.

OP posts:

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shinyshoesandglitterypoos · 23/12/2010 18:51

Yes I was. Actually I was bought up, as were my brothers to put others before themselves so we have this cringeworthy 'oh no, you have the last slice' debates over every sodding cake. Luckily now I have scoffing children who just hoover up all and anything left available.

ISNT · 23/12/2010 19:23

My mum does this. I think it's partly generational. I am quite selfish really but honest

msrisotto · 23/12/2010 19:25

My mum did this but I think it was more about weight control...

moondog · 23/12/2010 19:25

Judging by the size of the average British woman and her obsession with 'me time' this is no longer an issue.

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 23/12/2010 19:25

I was brought up in a household where this was the norm. I don't do it now though! Having said that, if there was only so much food and DD needed it obviously I'd give it to her.

TotorosOcarnina · 23/12/2010 19:25

I hink its politeness teamed with some 'mother complex' - for me anyways.

I feed everyone else before myself, I will be serving my kids seconds before I've even started my dinner.

But I like it, its just how I am.

Not for many people TBH, but my kids and husband, yes.

Bonsoir · 23/12/2010 19:31

I think it is to do with how much you received yourself in your childhood and before having children. I notice that my friends and acquaintances who lacked for love and affection in their childhood, or lacked materially, are more selfish as adults than those who were showered with love and affection and didn't lack materially. Probably easier to give out and be selfless if you have been filled up first, IYSWIM.

Ormirian · 23/12/2010 19:46

"Probably easier to give out and be selfless if you have been filled up first, IYSWIM."

That may be true.

But DH doesn't feel the need to do this. I am fairly sure my father didn't either.

OP posts:

ISNT · 23/12/2010 20:04

I don't think it's selfish for a woman not to always go last / not to always have the bits that no-one wants TBH. Assuming that there is plenty to go around why should she.

ISNT · 23/12/2010 20:05

My grandmother was a terror for it. I think the idea that it was a hangover from rationing is a valid one.

ClaireDeLoon · 23/12/2010 20:08

It's not even just a woman thing - DP will always say 'oh you have it' if there is one of something left we both like, insists that I serve myself first when we're eating etc. I think it's just nice manners really.

Ormirian · 23/12/2010 20:11

ISNT - mum tells me stories about when DB was a toddler and they lived in a CH-free cottage in the Cotswolds and the only heat they had was a massive open-fire, how mum would have a tin of minced-beef bulked up with spuds and veg and she'd serve all of it to my dad and brother, and she's have the left over gravy with bread dipped in it. Because that was the right thing to do. Mind you, she does have a martyr complex, but I suspect there is some truth in it.

OP posts:

southeastastra · 23/12/2010 20:14

what is the average size this week moondog?

ISNT · 23/12/2010 20:14

Orm that was my gran all over!

She gave the males massive portions, the females much less, and herself hardly anything at all, when there was no reason for it. It used to drive my mum bonkers

wem · 23/12/2010 20:19

My mum drives me crazy with her 'no, no, you have it'. And clearly she often wants it, but doesn't want to say so, as she doesn't believe anyone when they say they don't want something, because obviously they're lying like she does.

SnowyGonzalez · 23/12/2010 20:20

I always give my family the best things first, though DH is lovely and will challenge this when he spots it. I definitely do not have a martyr complex. I do it out of love and am happy to do so.

However I also enjoy treats and so, having bought my own (and everyone else's) Xmas gifts, spending by far the least money on my gift, am currently scouring the online sales for a new dress! So if anyone thinks I'm a martyr I'll be a bloody stylish one!

Ormirian · 23/12/2010 20:22

I have done all the christmas shopping apart from my own - which means I will get lovely gifts because DH will only have had mine to buy. Which will creat more guilt

I am good at guilt.....

OP posts:

ISNT · 23/12/2010 20:24

How come you bought your own christmas present snowy?

SnowyGonzalez · 23/12/2010 20:39

Because DH, lovely though he is, is (in his own words) "completely hopeless" at these things, i.e if it weren't for me his family and our kids would get cuddles for Xmas and nothing more! So I am spending£4.99 on a Flight of the Conchords audio book for myself because I think they are fab. And now I've seen that my fave dress is on HALF PRICE SALE I'm going to use the last of my maternity benefit money to treat myself to that.

ISNT · 23/12/2010 20:48

Next year give him a list! Buying your own christmas present isn't the right thing at all!

Excellent choice though (Flight of the Conchords fan )

ISNT · 23/12/2010 20:49

Oh and that dress will look great on you, I can sense it

SnowyGonzalez · 23/12/2010 20:54

You are a WONDERFUL person, ISNT!!

I'm trying not to get myself a new (though cheap) handbag in the sales as an extra pressie...one of the pluses of getting your own cheapo gift is you can justify a sales splurge! How shallow am I?

Conchords ROCK!

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differentnameforthis · 23/12/2010 21:43

I notice that my friends and acquaintances who lacked for love and affection in their childhood, or lacked materially, are more selfish as adults than those who were showered with love

See, I'd disagree with that. I was starved of love & affection & I am not selfish.

tallulah · 23/12/2010 22:06

My grandma always gave my dad and granddad the most food, even when granddad clearly couldn't manage it, which was galling.

Doesn't happen in our house

scouserabroad · 23/12/2010 22:16

My nan always gave larger portions to the men & boys, because "they need their food" and smaller portions to the women. She does have a quite old-fashioned view of women's place in society though. I think she was quite spoilt (in a nice way!) as a child as she was by far the youngest of her brothers & sisters.

My Mum never did the unequal portions thing, and I was brought up to share food equally, as was my brother.

Could it be that when the woman has prepared the food, she feels guilty if she hasn't made enough (for whatever reason) so she makes sure everyone else has enough first?

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