Talk

Flip

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

1 2 3 4

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Have I done the right thing by kicking DD out? (long post)

96 replies

pastamental · 24/05/2009 19:52

...well, obviously not, or I wouldn't be on here agonising about it.

She's nearly 16, stubborn, sly, always pleading to be trusted and a blasé liar. And those are her good points. When she's not exhibiting these common teenage traits though, she can be a lovely girl, academically intelligent & pretty. She's grown up in a loving, stable home - she's loved, but at the moment...not liked.

So - she has taken up smoking, an absolute anathema to me & DW. At first she did it surreptitiously with her "friends" (save that for another post?).
We've found evidence on her at least 3 times, we've had the tears, the "I'll never do it again...believe me". She's a very convincing performer, but obviously not meant at all.
It's particularly serious as her (independent) school has a zero tolerance to smoking - she WILL be expelled without question should they find out, especially as I'm sure she has the stuff at school. But last night she took it one step too far.

After what I thought had been a pleasant day, after a family trip to the cinema, back home she announced that she was just going outside...at 22:30. Unusual, though I knew straight away why, but had to hear it from her "Well, there's no point in hiding it any more, is there?". She had made a decision that evening, and perhaps was thinking we would capitulate. I really don't know what goes through her mind at times.

I said that it was bad enough her smoking anyway, but it was definitely not on blatantly smoking in or anywhere near the house. "ok, I'll just go down the street then". So as she walks away, I warned her that if she carried this through she was crossing a line from which there would be serious consequences.
Basically if she did not or could not abide by the simple rules of the house, she had better find some place else which would allow it...So she carried on walking.

Driven by my impotent rage, I locked all the doors, and left her to it. She knocked an hour later asking for some shoes, as she had gone for a fag in her slippers. I refused, reminding her that she had made her bed, and now she must lie in it, uncomfortable as it might be. And then at some point, she went off into the night...

As with most rows with her, big or small, she refuses to accept or contemplate a compromise. It's her way or nothing, whereas as we go out of our way to accommodate some of her demands, if only to keep the peace. And she does not know when to keep her mouth shut, and turns discussion into pointless, prolonged & heated arguments - if only she would hold her tongue, it would save her so much trouble. Mind you, her mother is just as bad in this respect, so I just leave them to it now, as I can't stand it any more.

So, am I being pig-headed in doing this? Irresponsible? Vindictive? Childish?? Part of me would be glad to get shot of her, but at her age, we still have 'parental responsibility' and even if she stays away, the practical/legal ramifications loom all too large. Even if she does come back once her friends (or friends parents) kick her out, she will not show one iota of remorse ? the word 'sorry' has always stuck in her throat since she was little.

And no, I've no idea where she is. We have been in touch very briefly after sending her delicately worded texts - as I'm not going to beg her to come back.

The sad thing is, what was promising to be a sunny, carefree bank holiday weekend is now anything but...

OP posts:

Report

GypsyMoth · 24/05/2009 19:54

so where did she spend the night? she's still a child isn't she?!