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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Another bloody drama

98 replies

sharon2609 · 28/01/2011 23:09

Having big trouble with nearly13 year old DD. She has been grounded for the last couple of weeks for swearing, running away, awful behaviour etc. Allowed her to go ice skating with her friend this eve after long chat about respect blah blah. Her friends mother offered to pick them up after. Got a call from the mother asking if I had heard/knew where my DD was. I said no I hadn't. Friends mother went into ice rink and hauled my DD out. Apparently DD had said she'd make her own way home (I dont think so). She hadn't spent any time skating with her friend, who had spent the eve crying in the loos. My daughter had spent most of the night skating with a boy from their school. Friends mother read her the riot act (which I have no problem with). What do I do??? Nothing seems to sink in with DD. She just doesn't seem to learn.
Any advice...I feel numb from it all.

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cyrilsneer · 29/01/2011 09:51

You poor, poor thing... And that poor child who spent her Friday night crying in the loos.

I haven't had to deal with this exactly this sort of stuff with my girls (14 and 16) but we've has other situations that have needed a major discipline initiative.

With my two, we have very occasionally had a "Boot Camp" - a short, sharp shock of horribleness. I stick a big sign on the fridge to say that x is in Boot Camp and (specifically) why and what it means (no tv, no mobile, no landline, not allowed out of the house (do it over a weekend) and no computer except for homework - this then needs to be policed). It also says when it ends Eg Monday at 6.00am.

All that is left for the "camper" to do is read a book, ply cards, do homework, do a bit of cooking, help around the house.

I've found that, after initial fury and self-pity, they accept their lot and get on with it.

I haven't got all the answers but I feel for you and hope you can get on top of it while she's still young because teenagers have a bigger arsenal at their disposal.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

I'm really sorry you're at your wit's end and that she's being a handful at the moment.

cyrilsneer · 29/01/2011 10:13

PS no iPod/ radio/ CDs either

sharon2609 · 29/01/2011 22:06

It got even worse this morning. I asked for her phone off her..have already taken ipod and laptop. She ended up screaming at me. I ignored her and sat down to watch tv..she switched it off. TRied hoovering but she pulled the plug out. Her verbal attack on me was so vicious i ended up driving off in car and sat in it for 5 hours. She's been hauled home by police before because she ran off. She's slept the night in a shed with a 16 year old boy....see other post of mine.She's oiut of control...I know I should be able to get her respect buut she seems to have no fear. Have grounded her but she continues to behave badly. Her father ,my ex, is no help...heavy drinker and smokes pot.
We have no relationship at all any more. Am waiting for school to arrange a counsellor.
I asked for her phone again tonight but she just laughed at me.
Caant stop crying..feel bullied all over again as i was by her father.
I know all this seeems self pitying. i feel for my daughter as she is not happy...but that is dwindling.
Help me please

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cyrilsneer · 29/01/2011 22:39

God Sharon, you poor, poor thing. It really does sound like she's got the upper hand and is out of control.

I'm so sorry.. This is awful...

I think you need and deserve some support... Not just from here but on a professional level too. A councillor arranged by School sounds like an important step in the right direction..

I wonder if it's worth a phone call to your GP too? If she's spent the night alone with a sixteen year old boy, there's a possibility she might be in danger of bring persuaded into having sex with him - clearly she's way to young to be making decisions about this sort of stuff. Also, perhaps the GP can refer you for some counselling of your own, just someone to support you and hold your hand through this difficult time.

Is there anyone in the wings that could be like a second Mum to her since she's locking antlers with you? A lovely Aunt/ neighbour/ cousin/ family friend? Sometimes a member of your extended " framily" can be just the sort of positive mentor/ role model a child like this needs? Even though they would be givingbthe same messages as you, sometimes difficult teenagers can't hear it from their own Mum.

Whatever happens though, you must take care of yourself and always stress to her that whilst you do not like/ want/ approve of her awful behavior, you do love her very much and always will do.

God, no-one said it would be easy, did they?... Babies and toddlers are a walk in the park in comparison, aren't they?...

Lastly - a funny little tip from me - when you are pushed to the end of your limit and then pushed another twenty percent and you feel on the verge of flipping out and losing control - imagine there is a fly on the wall documentary team with cameras all over your house and try to breathe deeply and behave in a way that you would be ok with if they were to show it on telly - with dignity and respect for both yourself and her.

I'm so sorry - I really haven't got any magic answers Sharon but you clearly need and deserve some support with this.

sharon2609 · 29/01/2011 23:02

I phoned social services and they said to phone back on Monday. A visit tot he GP sounds like a good idea. Feel a total failure...but need help.

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maryz · 29/01/2011 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sharon2609 · 29/01/2011 23:28

thankyou x

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SoSweet · 30/01/2011 10:39

You are not a failure - parenting teenagers is hard. Sometimes it's easier to talk with them at a coffee bar or restaurant where they may be less likely to lose their temper. Or as cyril* said - what about an aunty, uncle or family friend?
Your distress and difficulty coping with all this just shows how much you love her. It will be worth it in the end I hope. x

sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 11:29

I would love to have a sit down and chat with her...but truly dont know where to start..I have tried but it ends up with her getting angry...She doesn't care that she makes me feel awful..she sees me crying and just stares at me with contempt.
My sister has tried talking to her and my good friend all to no avail.

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A2363 · 30/01/2011 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 11:55

TThats a good idea A2363, although right at this moment i cant be bothered..I know I know
I must pull myself together.
Just waiting for her to surface and for the next fallout...she wouldn't give me her pphone so I have hidden the charger. She'll go ballistic.

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ajandjjmum · 30/01/2011 12:07

I know that teenage girls can be a nightmare. Do you have any other dc?

sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 12:09

No she's an only.

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cyrilsneer · 30/01/2011 13:22

How are things today?

sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 13:24

Hi .She's just come downsatirs and we're sitting in silence.Afraid to say anything in case it all kicks off again. I feel very fragile

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cyrilsneer · 30/01/2011 15:30

Poor you....

Thinking of you...

purplepidjin · 30/01/2011 15:41

Silence may be good. Make it clear that you are not prepared to speak to her until she winds her neck in. A lot of teenage behaviour is a combination of pushing boundaries and attention seeking, so not getting your attention = not getting what she wants. She'll then realise it doesn't work soon enough.

Stay strong - love her enough to discipline her and help her be the best person she can

sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 16:04

My friend has just been round and had a chat with both of us. More has come out in that the group of girls at school that she hangs out with have all started to ignore her and say they dont like her. I think this goes on all the time.A couple of the girls seem to be at the heart of the group and decide who is next to be ignored. I have been to the school about this before and they just say that it is normal. DD is refusing to go to school tomorrow.

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happygolucky0 · 30/01/2011 17:45

Gosh I would make sure she has some kind of protection from getting pregnant if she is sleeping out with boys also showing keen interest at the ice rink. I thought it was bad enough having a 13 yr old ds but reading this i would be so scared for her if I was in your shoes. Maybe there were messages on the phone that she thought you may read and that is why she wouldn't let you have it.
I would let the school know how unhappy it is making her (normal or not). I can't believe the school either. Or change schools! Hope things get better for both of you x

LadyTremaine · 30/01/2011 17:53

Would it be unauthadox to advise nickingher phone whilse shes asleep to check why she's so keen for you not to have it...?

I'd be worried about the boy stuff tbh...

Other than that I love th ebootcamp idea but I wonder if that would work with such an extreme case?

sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 18:00

I hid her charger so when it ran out of battery she couln't use it.....She's found an old phone with charger and swapped her sim card into it so she still has a phone.

I will be pinching this phone from her tonight...good idea LadyTremaine

On the sex front...dont know what to do...dont want her on the pill as this will just give her the go ahead. Have asked her outright if she has had sex . She said no.

Will go to the school tomorrow, but this seems such a widespread problem that the teachers dont know what to do. Or dont care.

She said her behaviour at home would be better if she was happy at school. Which I can understand but still doesn't make it right.

Basically she's only happy when she's getting her own way.

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LadyTremaine · 30/01/2011 18:03

Can she change school?
Ypou sound like a lovely mum so it is likely this is a fallen-in-with-wrong-crowd thing

LadyTremaine · 30/01/2011 18:04

Oooh meant to say, what ever you find on your phone dont confront her about it, you'll lose her trust. Just keep it in your armoury.

sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 18:07

She saiys she doesn't want to change school.
Have asked her why she wants to be friends with girls that are obviously horrible. She has admitted being horrible to other girls herself. She said that is the way it is because if she doesn't fall in with what the other girls are doing then it will her that cops the next round of being left out.

Good point about about keeping quiet about anything I read on her phone.

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LadyTremaine · 30/01/2011 18:11

I don't think it matters whther she wants to change schools or not. You are in charge.

Shall I repeat that..? YOU are in charge. It sounds like she has succesfully made you forget that.

Do YOU think a change of schools would benefit her? Are you close with any other mums in the group? Who is the mum from the icerink? It wouldbe easier for you if you had a partner in crime...

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