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Things are so nice during the week!

(103 Posts)
yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 12:08:35

As I type this I have my own children playing in the garden, two step children upstairs doing their own thing. Tried to involve them downstairs but they don't want to. Fiancé has popped into town.

I hate having them here

shey02 Thu 24-Apr-14 10:52:19

Yeh, I'm also only picking up on this thread now, but was shocked at the flaming you got. I'm in a situation where my children never give myself or my dp a moments trouble. They love and respect their own father and my dp and we are all happy campers when we are together.

My dp's children are actively encouraged to hate us and have all their mother's depression and bitterness put on to them. The result, negativity, stroppiness, chaos, beligerant behaviour towards their father and constant arguing and controlling between the kids. It's enough to make a natural parent want to walk away and puts such a strain on my dp and me and our relationship. Of course you cannot treat a child who behaves like this the same as one who gives you love, affection and respect. The goalposts are totally different.

During the week, our lives are totally bliss, his contact with the kids during the week is frequent, but short, ie a quick dinner, or ferrying them around to their activities, it is fine usually. Weekends can be fraught with tension before the dsc are even out of the car and into the house. We don't live together, he has his own place and they have loads of time alone! However, I feel that he (and we are) is always on the back foot always on the defense. The only thing that is making things better is me disengaging and dp finally after nearly 5 years of being divorced, getting tough. 'I hate it here, I want to go home'... Fine, I love you, I want to spend time with you, but here's the phone, call Mum... DSC; Sorry, no it's okay, she probably won't be in anyway..... Okay then...

No one can understand this or the OP's original post unless they have been on the receiving end of hateful, bitter, selfish behaviour from a child in this situation. A child that you have done nothing wrong to, a child that you want to love, want to bond with, want to be able to hug or kiss, or ruffle their hair without them pulling away or saying get off me, or giving you a dirty look. It's a special challenge looking after a child that treats you like this, yet you're still there week after week. And support on forums like this, is the only thing that has kept me going over the years. DP has very often out of fear, put the child's attitude over us all. We now know that one child's 'happiness' or rather a desire to control everybody, does not come at the expense of everyone elses happiness or our relationship. Support is key and can make or break relationships and when such delicate situations exists and feelings are raw and complicated, seriously some people should just keep their comments to themselves. You're doing a great job as I now know I am in a very difficult situation. smile

yoyo27 Sat 19-Apr-14 22:43:22

Yes that is exactly what I did. Bless him, he had a fab day!! X

alita7 Sat 19-Apr-14 22:20:42

It's because the attention is fixed on someone else, just let her be huffy and spoil your son, then spoil her on her birthday smile
dsd struggles when the attention is on her sisters, it's very hard to deal with!

yoyo27 Sat 19-Apr-14 21:49:21

Prawnypoos, I love you comments!!

Today has been a struggle. Stepdaughter has been stroppy all day, despite it being my sons birthday. SS has been fine (him and my son get on brilliantly) but SD has been awful, spent most of it going off in a huff. No doubt jealous, but really, no need for it!

prawnypoos Sat 19-Apr-14 18:46:54

I cant believe how nasty people have been to yoyo!! Instead of criticizing and offering no useful advice what so ever perhaps save your energy and keep your stupid comments to yourself. Its so difficult being a step parent and I think your partner needs to step up and try and spend more time with his kids and encourage them to spend time with your kids too! Talking to partners about their kids isn't easy and I know that first hand but he shouldn't be relying on you to take care of them so much, they ultimately aren't your responsibility but his. As for the crappy negative comments, a few words of wisdom you should take on board - we all live in glass houses and EVERYONE has dirty windows!!

SocialNeedier Sat 19-Apr-14 14:16:26

It's perfectly possible (and reasonable) to dislike a child's behaviour without disliking the child.

Your DP is the problem IMO.

yoyo27 Sat 19-Apr-14 12:02:12

Exactly! Part of the problem is that at their mum's they don't have to do anything (DSS certainly doesn't but I think DSD does help out) and are thoroughly spoilt (not saying that as a bad thing) so things are a bit different here!! X

Thumbwitch Sat 19-Apr-14 09:01:59

Oh well that's almost worse in a way! They absolutely don't get special treatment, they're still children of the household and need to abide by the household rules and get treated the same as the other children, otherwise your own children will get pissed off about it. How silly of him!

yoyo27 Sat 19-Apr-14 08:27:53

Thank you.

I don't think he uses the term 'guests' in a negative way, just that they should have special treatment. Whereas I don't agree. Everyone has to muck in and get on with it!!

Hopefully things will get better now xx

TheMumsRush Sat 19-Apr-14 07:32:14

What a lovely update op, it's so hard being a SP and until you've done it (and I'm sure a few posters here haven't hmm) you have no idea what the reality is.

Please don't be scared of the SP board, you will soon notice the same old names stirring shit and know to just ignore wink

Thumbwitch Sat 19-Apr-14 02:36:28

Although now I've read more of the thread, I still think your fiancé is strongly at fault here - why on earth does he consider his children to be "guests" in the house? It should be their home as well! Am sad that he feels that way and no wonder they feel isolated.
Very glad that you've sorted out the hugs thing and I hope it does turn around for you (although I'm not sure about your DP hmm)

Thumbwitch Sat 19-Apr-14 02:30:04

Bugger. Sorry, that was my fault for only reading the first page. Ignore as necessary!

Thumbwitch Sat 19-Apr-14 02:28:57

I think if the OP's children are so small then it's really a bit ridiculous to find "faults" with them.

OP, I agree with Dogfish that the problem here is your fiancé. He needs to spend the time with his children, to make them feel as though he wants them there, which he appears to be signally failing to do. It's not your sole responsibility to make them feel "welcome"!

Although having said that, with your little children being so small, it's unlikely that the bigger children would want to play with them.

yoyo27 Sat 19-Apr-14 01:53:25

I think that it all got lost along the way somewhere, probably when the new babies came along. My stepchildren have always been included, and always been given time with the girls etc. but my attention is on them a lot due to their ages, and my older four are very secure, and also ask when they need a cuddle.

Fingers crossed things can get back to normal now xx

alita7 Sat 19-Apr-14 00:33:42

I hope that's a start of a good thing, sometimes kids/ people need something more meaningful than will you come and play with us to feel wanted and included smile

VelmaD Fri 18-Apr-14 22:25:42

Yoyo, thank you. That post honestly brought tears to my eyes. Im so glad you found a way in. I know it won't be an overnight thing, but really hope this is the start of a happy blended family. Enjoy your extra cuddles :-D

yoyo27 Fri 18-Apr-14 22:09:19

Update.....

So, but of a turn around today. I've watched a lot to see what goes on, and I've made changes for the better.

My children are very cuddly children.....they would happily cuddle all day long if they could, especially my five year old. Quite often they go to my DP for cuddles and he always says yes. Whereas his own children aren't like this, in fact it was me that taught them to cuddle. Their mum doesn't do it much and neither did their dad (though they both do now). However they never ask for them. I guess that at their mum's house they feel very secure, and they never asked their dad as before he met me there were no other children around (girlfriend before me didn't have any).

Tonight DSS has got quite upset as he misses their mum and phoned her. When he came downstairs again I asked him if he wanted a cuddle. He climbed onto my lap and we cuddled for ages. I did the same with DSD. I spoke to them both and apologised. I said that because they don't ask for cuddles like my children do, I assumed they didn't want them. But that all they have to do is ask, and at the same time I will make more of an effort. Xx

brdgrl Fri 18-Apr-14 13:21:31

OP, I only just read this now. I'm sorry you got such a load of crap responses on this thread, please don't take it to heart, they have no idea what they're talking about, frankly, and why they bother coming around to have a(nother) go at stepmums is baffling. Dogfish's post is spot on.

croquet Fri 18-Apr-14 11:13:20

Velma, I don't think you have outed yourself -- sadly this is more of a common story than it should be!! He sounds like he had the gift of the gab, and not much else. Forza! May it only strengthen you and your future endeavours wine

alita7 Fri 18-Apr-14 11:09:10

Dsd 1 and 2 have to share the pull out bed under dsd 3 s. We would get them to move around but dsd 3 wets the bed and needs the waterproof bedding.
They don't seem to mind, they have 3 to a room at their mums and they understand we can't have a 3rd room or fit enough beds in the room as it's tiny.

VelmaD Fri 18-Apr-14 11:07:30

Nope croquet. Nothing. I walked away after his wedding when I was 17 and didnt look back. I was made to feel like shit for years for it until over a decade later (marriage, divorce, kids on my part) a family member was dying and I was pressured to speak to him prior to the funeral. So I did. We went for a beer, I told him exactly what happened, he admitted he was a shit and apologised. Then the funeral went well, and I gave my number and went round asking for photos he'd promised. Six months on I still haven't heard anything from him, we live three streets away from each other. Goes to show he was spinning another story and I did the right thing by walking away years ago. I have no time for anyone like that.

Sorry, completely derailed this thread! And probably outted myself too!

croquet Fri 18-Apr-14 11:04:18

Poor you! And well done for putting in the effort now. It's a minefield, to be sure.

VelmaD Fri 18-Apr-14 11:03:17

And from memory there were two futons. And three of us. Go figure how that felt!

it is one reason that my exh and I work so bloody hard at our relationship and my boyfriend and I won't live together yet. We have all three been through crap divorces (incidently all three with crap fathers) and refuse to do the same with our kids.

croquet Fri 18-Apr-14 11:01:51

Yes that's very interesting I can see that. I think sometimes people think staying in the old house will be good for children but actually it seals the hurt of having left.
Your dad sounds like he treated you badly. Did he not pay maintenance / come to see you / take you on holiday after that?

VelmaD Fri 18-Apr-14 11:01:18

There was a lot more to it than just the bed. We were suddenly not allowed to let ourselves in with our door keys, to pop over for stuff we had left, the alarm code got changed and we weren't told it etc. We were basically forced out of that family home and made to feel like guests.

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