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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Are we being fair to DSD?

85 replies

Onthedoorstep · 06/04/2014 21:26

Dp and I have bought a house that we have been doing up. My two young boys share a room upstairs - with me and dp in an en suite.

Dp is moving in next month. His dd (my dsd) is in her mid-late teens. We have made her a large room of her own in a large 'study' on the ground floor.

However, she is refusing to move with Dp and says she will move back to her mum's unless we give up our bedroom (next to my boys) or convert the attic (we cannot afford this). She says it is not fair that she can't sleep in the 'bedrooms' like my boys.

We have basically told her that she needs to decide where she wants to live, but she will always be welcome here.

Have we done enough? Are we being fair?

OP posts:

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mumtobealloveragain · 06/04/2014 21:33

I think what you have suggested is perfectly reasonable. You wouldn't want two young children on the ground floor (well I wouldn't) and it makes sense for the adults to be on the same floor as the young children for all sorts of reasons. I'm assuming it's just a 2 bed house...

picnicbasketcase · 06/04/2014 21:37

What possible difference can it make that her room isn't upstairs? If the ex-study is now solely her room, with a bed in it, it's a bedroom! She's got a nerve telling you to move out of your room tbh

MuttonCadet · 06/04/2014 21:37

Yes, you are, and she's being an entitled little madam. God only knows where kids get the idea that they can dictate which room they are allocated in a home.

she will move back to her mum's unless we give up our bedroom well I hope her mum is ready to have her back.

Clutterbugsmum · 06/04/2014 21:38

So she what 16/17. Will she be living with you fulltime or every other weekend. Is she going to univerty in the next couple of years.

Not that any of the above should matter. Why should she dictate how you live in the house you bought. Don't let her use emotional blackmail to get what she wants. That's not how life works.

Onthedoorstep · 06/04/2014 21:38

Yes it's just a two bed. We looked into getting a bigger place but couldn't afford it.

She says we are excluding her. I can understand how this might feel, but she has the biggest room and we just can't afford other options.

OP posts:

Onthedoorstep · 06/04/2014 21:40

Yes she will be going to uni in a couple of years.

We have her half and half with her mum.

OP posts:

Icantstopeatinglol · 06/04/2014 21:43

You are being very fair, she will feel put out regardless of what you do. We've been thru this recently and worked out it's the situation our dsd feels left out of and we honestly can't do anything to change it. It is sad cos we know our dsd feels torn between two families but she doesn't get 'left out' as such, she just can't do everything.
I think what you've offered is very reasonable.
Hope you get sorted.

Clutterbugsmum · 06/04/2014 21:48

I'd be telling her excluding her would be not making sure she has her own space within the house, as it is you are/have made her a bedroom/study for her use.

alita7 · 06/04/2014 22:01

in most families the child does not get the ensuite! It is a privilege for adults to have their privacy andit's the only reason she wants the room. You are not being unreasonable she only lives there 50% of the time anyway! explain to her that you need to be on the same level as your kids for safety reasons and that many kids who don't live with a parent full time don't even get a room (we have to squish 3 girls into a single bedroom when they other 2 come over, the 2 share a single pull out bed from under dsd 3 s normal bed.) so she is lucky to have the study. And your boys live there all the time and have to share a room.
you are right to tell her to live where she wants. you have made an effort for her she should appreciate it.
I might even threaten to give one of the boys her room if she's going to ungrateful and she can sleep on the sofa if she wishes to stay...

TheMumsRush · 07/04/2014 07:54

Little madam! She's very lucky! We have three in one bedroom eow when the dsc come. I hope her mum will back you up when she announces she's off to live with mum FT

RedFocus · 07/04/2014 07:56

It's your house, you bought it so you sleep where the hell you want! I would not give up my room for anybody. You work hard for it you enjoy your en suite
Hope she likes staying at her mums

ChasedByBees · 07/04/2014 08:00

You're being very fair.

Lj8893 · 07/04/2014 08:05

Wow what an entitled little madam she is being!

purpleroses · 07/04/2014 11:00

It could be that spending 50-50 time between two homes is already getting tiring at her age and she'd actually be happier with just one main home, and a regular visiting arrangemetn with her dad. Though not sure how your DP would feel about that. Changing to live with two young boys and a new adult when you're 16 and used to it being just you and your dad is a big change. Do you think she's kind of looking for an excuse to make her life a bit simpler with one main home, or is she really feeling hurt that she doesn't feel included in the new family?

If the latter, can you suggest that she's allowed to decorate the room as she likes - to make it look more bedroom-like and not like a study? Also refer to it as a ground floor bedroom rather than a study.

lunar1 · 07/04/2014 11:16

Is it truly her room or is it a study with a bed? Is it her own space or is it a study people need to go in to get things? With it being downstairs will the boys be running in and out in the day?

Clutterbugsmum · 07/04/2014 12:41

Lunar1

I assumed because dsd is 16/17 the 'study area' is for her to use only as she is doing exams.

Onthedoorstep · 07/04/2014 13:26

It's a big room just for her with a separate lobby dividing it from the lounge. I've decorated it in colours she likes. No on else will use it. It's a VERY large room. She can study there too.

I don't think she is that keen to have one home to be honest. She spends lots of time with me and the boys, even when she doesn't have to and dads not there.

Anyway, I appreciate your words of support! She can be very entitled, yes.

OP posts:

croquet · 07/04/2014 13:53

Very wise post from purpleroses. I think when they're teens they're just not up for the whole starting a new family thing. She'll want to back off at this age and leave you to it.

croquet · 07/04/2014 13:54

Ah - having seen your recent post just explain that it's a new move for you all. She's growing up, and may want to come and go easier with out waking the little ones up, also it will be nice for her to have extra privacy and potentially friends round...?

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/04/2014 14:02

Its very easy to see it from an adults rational point of view. Not so easy to see it from hers as technically a child.

She may think shes second best given the only other bedroom than yours has gone to your boys whilst she gets a lounge room downstairs. I doubt its the size but more the principle to her. Like shes an add on that uses the spare room downstairs.

Have you spoken to her as to why the room is so important?

It doesnt sound like her room at all, just one that happens to have colours she likes.

zirca · 07/04/2014 14:13

I think perhaps it's worth letting her see that adults have feelings too. Saying you're sorry she feels that way because you planned the biggest room for her (despite the fact that the two boys have to share) so she'd have enough space, that you've decorated it for her, bought furniture etc. Say how much effort you put into thinking about her and her needs, and how rejected her comments now make you feel. Sometimes, older teens do feel pushed out by the younger children, and they forget that their parents have feelings too.

LIZS · 07/04/2014 14:18

Presumably her father agreed to this arrangement and bought the house knowingly. Does the room have a proper bed (ie not sofa bed) etc ?

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NigellasDealer · 07/04/2014 14:21

she might feel that it is a temporary measure and she is not really included?
at my dad's house it was made pretty clear that i was temporary with a camp bed in the dinning room.
not a great feeling tbh.

feelinglowerthanlow · 07/04/2014 14:22

If your boys are sharing, and the downstairs room/large study is the biggest room, why would you not put 2 in a bigger room, rather than 1? If I was faced with that dilemma, i'd be opting for the larger room for 2 sharing. Or are the other reasons for putting your 2 boys in the smaller room?

theredchicken · 07/04/2014 14:42

Similar thing happened with my dsd1 aged 16 at the time. She lives with us a third of the time and as the eldest of her siblings was used to being given the "best" and "first".

To be fair to her though, she didn't like not having the best room at ours as well as at mums but she sucked it up.

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