I'm thinking of leaving :-( (boring, skip to last paragraph)

[SilveryMoon]

I won't bore you too much, but I will off-load a little with a bit of background.
Me and dp have been together for 4 years. We have 2 children.
I feel that he doesn't do enough to help and support me.
he works full time and I am a SAHM but will soon be starting a part-time job and will be looking for a childminder for the ds's.
Dp has never been very hands on with the boys, he never takes them out just on his own or does anything with them. n the rare ocassion that I manage to get a lay in, he just ignores them and leaves them watching the telly.
Once, I stayed in bed until 11 am and the children weren't even dressed!

I don't get any emotional support from him, he never just gives me a hug, all physical contact has to lead to sex, but as I don't want to have sex, we don't have any physical contact.
I just got offered a job after not working for 3 years and he didn't even congratulate me, or when I started studying for a diploma he has not offered any ebcouragement or support.

I have tried and tried to have that conversation with him about how I need some help, but nothing ever changes, and part of me thinks he'd be more use to me if we split because at least then he would have to see the children on his own and I'd get a break.
I've just had enough.

But I can't leave. I don't have anywhere to go. He owns the flat we live in and I don't have any money.
What can I do?

[littlecritter]

Have you tried talking to him? Do you still love him?

[littlecritter]

Sorry, I see you have tried talking to him. Would he go to Relate?

[SilveryMoon]

I don't know if I love him
In in sense, yes I do, very much, but then I think I can't love him, because i don't know how bothered I'd be if we split and because I think I might be happier on my own without the constant resentment I have towards him, I mean it is exhausting to be constantly pissed off but to put on a smiling face.
I'm pretty sure he knows I'm not happy because I don't sleep or eat much now, I don't hold conversations with him often, I normally end up going to bed early and then getting up again when he's gone to work (he leaves at 9:30pm when on night shift)

I doubt very much he would go to relate

[pointissima]

You have two children. No relationship is perfect and he's not doing anything really awful. Don't you think that you should work at it a bit? Sorry to be a bit blunt

[SilveryMoon]

point Yes, I do think I should work at it, and God I have tried!
In effect, I am a single parent with another person to look after.
He does nothing for me or the children, he won't listen when i try to talk to him, and I am just so unhappy I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave, I want my children to have their father, I don't doubt that he loves them, I just don't think he cartes and he won't change. I have tried to talk to him, I have begged him to help me, I have told him time and time again that I just need some me time, even just 2 hours a week, he never baths them unless I tell him to, he never cooks dinner, he doesn't do any food shopping. I do everything and I don;'t know how long I can carry on

[SilveryMoon]

I know he hasn't done anything terrible, I know that, but I just find it so exhausting to be this unhappy. I am tired and lonely

[littlecritter]

Could you have a break somewhere? A weekend away on your own maybe. Leave the boys with him. Forget about the fact that they might not be dressed at 11am. I'm often in my pyjamas at 11am at the weekend! As long as the dcs are fed, watered and happy try not to judge the rest of his childcare abilities.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He's not doing anything really awful eh Point - I ask if would you put up with this type of nonsense as well?. Why should the woman in such an unequal relationship be expected to carry all the responsibility, why is the onus always on her solely to fix the unfixable here?.

Silvery - This man is no partner to you; he sounds like a selfish manchild. Presumably as he works full time he therefore thinks that you should be doing everything else connected with the children and home along with serving him. This man does not want to address the problems, he is only in this for himself. You to him are a fanny with an attached washing machine (to coin a phrase that SGB originated).

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

There is help for you out there in terms of housing and benefits; the hardest thing is making that initial step and asking for help.

You now have two children to look after, you do not need a third. You would be far better off apart; this is truly an awful relationship model for your children to be learning from. This is not working and cannot be fixed as he is not interested.

[SilveryMoon]

critter Reading that bit back, it does sound a bit petty about them not being dressed at 11am doesn't it?
I was in hospital for a week at the beginning of the year for a week, the children weren't dressed or taken out of the house for the week.
he called my best friend to come and sit with them so he could go to the supermarket. Something I do every day with the children.

[sunny2010]

I bet it will change once you have a job and are bringing money in. I expect at the moment he sees your role as at home and his is at work. Also he is bound to be really upset you wont have sex with him. i very much doubt I would hug or be affectionate to my husband if he told me he didnt want to have sex with me.

I let our child on some weekend mornings sit and watch kids tv on the settee and I dont dress her sometimes until my husband is up. So what? Dont see a problem with that personally on the weekend after you have been working all week I sometimes cant physically move to get up lol! nothing wrong with chilling out now and again. He probably doesnt hang around with the family the rest of the time because neither of you are really speaking so it cant be that comfortable and as you are at home all day he probably feels pushed out and as you arent getting on its not like you can go out and have a family day together.

When you talk to him have you asked him why or does it just lead to an argument?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Silvery

You don't really want the children really to have such a role model for a Dad?. Would you want your children to have the same sort of dysfunctional and unequal relationship you now have as adults?. No?. Well this is what you are teaching them currently, you are showing them that your poor treatment of you by this man is acceptable to you.

[SilveryMoon]

Attila You are right!
My biggest worry is that my children will learn how to be a father from him.
But you are so so right.
What do I do?

[sunny2010]

silverymoon - soz only just seen your last message are you sure he is not unconfident around the children so thats why he doesnt want to take them to the supermarket etc. Some men (and some women) can find it daunting if they havent done it before. If you have gone out all as a family then he could get more confident around the children?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

As I said there is help out there for you if you want it. I would make contact with the Citizens Advice Bureau and council offices to start with. Also Womens Aid could be useful to you as well as they could inform you further of your options. Enlist the help of family and friends too.

You need to get out asap, your children are learning from you both here and currently they are learning damaging lessons.

[SilveryMoon]

x-posts

sunny Ithink that even when I start working part time, things will still be the same.
he was great before, he really helped me alot when I was pregnant with ds1, he was really good, I don't know what changed.

[traumaqueen]

Be honest and straight with him. You've told us you are miserable but you don't seem to have told him - all he hears is that you want more help despite the fact he is working and you are SAHM (I know, you work your socks off, but he probably doesn't see it like that). Stop sending coded messages and hoping he will pick up on them (not sleeping/eating/no sex). Have you actually said 'our current relationship is making me very very unhappy and unless it changes we will be better off apart'.

But get advice first from CAB/other mumsnetters in case he says 'I agree. Let's split. Bye'

[SilveryMoon]

Ok.
My family won't help.
My parents won't have either of the boys overnight or even for more than an hour because they say it is too hard, I do have some great friends though.

This is the bit I struggle on, I know that the boys will grow up to think this is normal? is it? AIBU to want some help at home on top of dp working full time? that's what I am stuck on, would anything he does be good enough? I am hard to please, i know that.

[sunny2010]

I think the way I would see it is if I was him is he has to work all day why you get to be at home all day having fun.

My husband helps me but I wont often let him as the way I see it I only do 25 hours at a nursery and I dont see it as work cause its fun and the rest of the time I only have to clean and look after or daughter which I also really enjoy, whereas he has to do a job hates for long hours, thats hard in a horrible warehouse. I think cause I have it so much easier I let him lie in and look after him. The difference with my husband though is he is always eager to do it but I wont let him lol.

[MichaelBublesPillow]

Have you told him how you feel? I do think, whatever the outcome, this has to be your first step. I don't mean telling him you need more help, but that you feel so unhappy and are on the verge of leaving, that you don't want your children to have his example of partner/parent as the norm, and ask him what changed? Why he does so little with the children etc.

Perhaps he feel daunted as you are so capable. I know my DH felt like this with our second as I just got on with it and he felt quite overwhelmed.

You definitely need to get some advice, should you split. I am not sure where you stand re flat, probably not much, but you are entitled to financial help from him and would get several benefits to assist you in work and with housing.

FWIW I work part time, but my DH still does plenty, nothing HUGE, but he helps out and will do anyting I ask, so no, you are not unreasonable to ask for more.

[SilveryMoon]

I'm not saying I want him to come home from work every night and get the hoover out or spend the weekend at the ironing board or anything, but to let you know what it is like here, my ds1 who is 2 years old said to me the other day "get back in the kitchen and do the cooking"

I also notice that I am a better parent when dp is not around, I am calmer have more pateince and just generally handle things better. When he is around I become stressed and shouty.

All I want him to do is, decide what's for dinner and cook it 1 night a week.
bath/shower the boys 1 night a week.
Take the boys out or do something with them 1 weekend day without me having to constantly go on and on and on. is that too much to ask?

[sunny2010]

My husband cooks dinner and gives her a shower but I wouldnt expect him to take her out for a whole day on his own if I was off and he was working. I would go out with them and help but I wouldnt leave him on his own to do it after working all week when they are so little. I go out once shes asleep but wouldnt expect a whole day to myself.

Different people do different things though and I think thats the problem here you both have different expectations.

[CheerfulV]

SilveryMoon, you sound just like me 6 months ago. I did manage to leave, and me and ds are much happier. However, my hopes that his dad would FINALLY have to pull his head out his arse and do some childcare were dashed; he still can't be arsed, only sees his little dude twice a week for two hours each time, when his own mum is visiting and looking after DS. Coincidence? Nah

Sounds like you would be lots better off without your useless DP, even if he didn't help out. I know I am, but them I only have 1 DC. There is support available if you choose to leave him, and the CAB might be your best bet with regards to what steps to take if you wanted to move out.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

SilveryMoon,

Re your comment:-

my ds1 who is 2 years old said to me the other day "get back in the kitchen and do the cooking"

Undoubtedly as well that was a phrase learnt from his Dad. I have already mentioned they are learning from you both and both of you are imparting damaging lessons to these young people. You have allowed yourself to be treated poorly and this now is the result. It is not too late for you to get out of this unequal relationship; the longer you stay in this though the harder it will be for you to leave.

You have also stated that you are a better parent when this man (I hesitate to use the word partner because he is not acting as one) is not around. Doesn't that tell you an awful lot as well as to how things really are within your home when he is there?.

MB's pillow - OP has tried talking and it has not worked. It will not work either as this man has OP exactly where he wants her; as his slave. It never fails to amaze me either how some women come out with all sorts of excuses for their man's appallingly bad behaviour.

[SilveryMoon]

Thank you.
sunny i don't know, maybe if I didn't have to do everything my expectations and needs wouldn't be so high.
Maybe the whole day is a bit much, but surely I could have more than 1 hour in 2 weeks? This is when he is off work!
But come on, in all seriousness, ds1 is nearly 3 years old, and I can count on my fingers how many times he has been out of the house with dp alone, surely that's not normal?

[sunny2010]

Why dont you go out once the kids are asleep? Thats what I do usually and go out clubbing and then I come back in and have a couple of hours sleep and get up early in the morning with them to repay the favour. That means in the day we have spent time together as a family and I get to do my own thing at night. I dont feel bad about it then