He has gone for the third, and last time.

[saddest]

It's been a while since I was here. So much has happened.

I have discovered that my first husband maintained contact with my mother and sisters, although not his son.

I have discovered that my sister was giving him legal advice and that they pressured him into continuing to fight for custody of my son. They failed, but it cost me £20 000 and one suicide attempt by me.

In hospital I was assessed as being perfectly sane, just pushed to the edge.

My mother and sisters have been back in my life, in the interim, and have been convincing my current husband that I am mad, have NPD, I am a bully, a terrible mum and that he should leave me, as the real me is evil and demonic.

My husband has lost 90% of his work in the last six months, and has been behaving in an increasingly bizarre way.

He has taken on the role of chief gaslighter.

It got so bad that I asked the gp to refer me to the community mental health team. I was assessed and told that there was nothing wrong with me.

I had a couple of sessions, and the therapist said that she needed to see him. He refused.

He won't even go to the gp.

This morning he left, for the third time in six months, still maintaining that everything is my fault, from the lack of work to his lack of friends.

He has been recording our conversations/arguments on his Iphone and hiding his phone in an outside loo, so I can't find it....not that I want to.

Last night, he did this, ate an onion for his tea and once again told me how these un named people have always told him that I was mad, that I would be suicidal if he left (!) and that I had am difficult to work with and everyone hates me.

Thankfully my friends think I'm lovely, and a bit of a mug for tolerating this for so long.

I have said that he cannot come back until he goes to the doctors and I need help to stay strong.

Thank you for persevering.

Oh no this is awful.
What is wrong with your mum and sister?
Why aren't they supporting you?
Why are they getting involved?
Glad you've got rid of this man.

He ate an onion??? Like you would an apple ?

Where is he staying??

You'll be better off alone, some thinking time. Do you love him still?

What is the history with your mother and sister?

How old is your DS and do you have any other children?

He seems mentally unstable with the bizarre behaviour you have decribed. You on the other hand sound perfectly sane.

If this is the third time he has left then quite frankly I would leave him to it.

The behaviour of your sister and mother does seem very OTT.

my sister and her oh are regular cocaine users.

My mum has a history of mental illness, being an in patient and having electric shock therapy, when I was about 11 or so.

Everybody has told me to leave, womens aid, the nurse practitioner, gp, therapist etc.

He wasn't like this when we met. I knew him for years as a friend first.

I have a 13 year old ds from first marriage. I left him for dh. I have a 5 year old dd.

Yes I love him.

could the cocaine be the problem here then?

Well for a start I would be cutting contact with your mother and sister.

If you love your husband and want to make it work then he will have to agree to some sort of therapy or counselling. If he does not agree to this then I am afraid it is over.

If all these people have advised you to leave him why havent you?

Think about how this situation is affecting your children.

Poor you, this is a mad bloody mess - and for the record you do sound incredibly sane but surrounded by nutters.

You seem to be doing all the right things here and are in contact with the right agencies, i think the thing here is to not let him come back, start getting some legal advice asap on Monday and insulate yourself from your family. You do need to make sure these behaviours, like the onion thing and the recording thing are noted down somewhere and start to keep a diary - I have a feeling you will need them in the future.

I had had a very mad (and violent) ex and keeping a diary of it all really helped me in lots of way. Firstly is good for court stuff but also if you start to weaken and need to remind yourself why you are doing all of this.

I would say please get someone in RL on your side to help you with practical things and have your locks changed - your husband does sound very unstable to be quite honest and I do think you need to think very seriously about where that could end up - I am not for a second saying that he will be violent to you but please try to work on a worst case scenario becuase often when people are under great stress they can do extraordinary things.

I think if he has a weak enough mind or character to have poison dropped in his ear by your Mother and sister then they will not stop now and may encourage him to come back and take your child - if he thinks you're unstable then he will see this as completely reasonable.

Do be careful - this all sounds very volitile.

Good advice there from tarty. Do you feel able to take it?

Yes, thank you. It is a nightmare.

I have cut my mother and sisters out of my life and the therapy I have had has been invaluable.

When I think of the person he was when we met, I can't quite believe the way he is behaving.

H esyas aomething like, he is sending chocolate to another woman....I know he is not.....then denies having said it moents later. I spoketo someone at Mind, who says the this is not unusual for someone whose perceptions of reality have been altered.

Yes I have seriously thought that he could have been taken down the drugs route. He has become paranoid, secretive and angry. He took my key to the studio off me, and if I go in there when he is in there, he accuses me of stalking him and keeping him a prisoner.

I have wonderful, supportive friends, both at school and through work, and from childhood. The medical services here are second to none and the schools have been amazing.

It is the children I am thinking of. He scared our dd so much last week that she locked herself in the bathroom and sais she was "scared of daddy" She is 5.

He yelled in my sons face that he was a "fucking ignorant little shit"

He has changed so much but up with that I shall not put.

he sounds terrifying.

mind altering drugs or a mental health illness...all need adressing,but if he wont do it then i wouldnt stick around to see the next turn of events,whatever they may be.

has he been violent?

Never violent no.

The things he accuses me of are distressing to the core.

I wish I had a normal mum, like most people have, where I could go with my kids and curl up in a corner of a sofa with someone looking after me.

It's very lonely and scary.

no other family?

know what you mean though,my mum died a few years ago,but i never felt i could share with her the horrors of my marriage with exH.

my best friend had her own violent relationship.....but i didnt have MN back then. wish i had,i would have left much sooner.

having no support is rubbish...especially when you have kids and cant just walk out.

I had booked a babysitter and restaurant for valentines.

I decided that I would take my ds out for the meal. We got back early and watched Benidorm together. He opened up as much as any 13 yr old does, to tell me that he was relived that "dad" wasn't here.

Had a fantastic sleep, and dd snuggled in with me this morning.

No one told me I was mad. No one told me I was a shit mum. No one told me people hated me.

I have been told the same thing by everybody, which in this life is extraordinary. Keep him gone either until he is already receiving help, or never.

Just to add, had a really lovely time with ds, he's a lovely lad.

And dd snuggling in was blissful.

Counting blessings here.

It all sounds horrendous but please do not let him back. What he is doing to you is bad enough but wat he is doing to your children is as you say unforgiveable.

On the drugs thing........when he went yesterday morning, he came back as he couldn't fing his credit card.

He looked around for it, and found it, not in a wallet, in the outside loo, same place as he'd hidden his phone. It's grim out there.

Don't want to add two wnd two and make five, but........

what else has he hidden out there....that would really have alarm bells ringing for me!

Not so good this morning.

Had a very curt email from him. I don't know what happened to a man who was so amazing at first. How could someone turn into such a monster?

Am I missing a man that never existed. It says that a lot on the emotional abuse websites. Did that happen to me?

Am I grieving for a man who didn't really exist.

Lots of things are ringing bells. Not feeling comfortable being in touch with my friends....right from the word go.

Going from beinf massively intersted in my life and my ambitions, to utterly conptemptuous of them.

Does anyone know a good solicitor near Chester......one that understands what may have happened to me?

He sounds like quite a chameleon. They tend to keep twisting and turning until they put even their own mental health at risk, despite initially appearing to be great.

You sound very sane, you sound like a fantastic mum. That your children are able to be open with you about their feelings towards him is testament to that. Many children struggle in silence.

Keep copies of any communication with him from this point on and don't respond to any of his drama, accusations or opinions. Disengage for the sake of your own well being, it's impossible to make sense of the senseless.

Call Women's Aid for advice and support regarding what to do next.

I have just spoken to womens aid.

He's a classic.

How could I have been so deluded.

Why do I still think I love him.

Who would love being lied to and abused.

My kids deserve better than this.

you know,so many men out there like this....my ex included.

i left him and started again....my kids are glad! they were 10,8,6 and 2 when i left....confused and sad at first,but they have confided so much over the years about what they saw and felt,and he's completely out of our lives now

you have a tough time ahead,but its so,so worth it..

Ah Saddest - I know nothing of what you're going through, but your post has touched my heart & I just wanted to send you a virtual . You sound so remarkable, sane & together from your posts. Hold tight to your children, they sound lovely too.

I'm so sorry the man you love has disappeared (in many senses from the sound of it), but the children you love are here & with you. Together I'm sure you can make a strong and formidable unit. Lies are so corrosive - Yes, your kids deserve so much better; but more importantly - so do YOU. hang on in there - we're with you through this dark patch.

What I just cannot get my head around is this.

If, as Womens Aid et al are saying, that the prime motivation is power and control, ultimately they lose much more than that. They have no power or control when women do finally leave. They lose their homes, their, kids, any love that their partners had for them, they will inevitably be poorer finincially.

So WHY?

Arrogance. They don't tend to realise the tables can turn. Remember, many women live like this forever and it's actually the minority who get out.