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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Divorce support thread, anyone interested?

99 replies

tiredoftherain · 20/12/2009 19:47

For me it was a very short time indeed between me posting about H being an arse and finding myself actually navigating a divorce situation. I often hit dilemmas where I'm clueless about what to do ,or how to behave and would love to chat with anyone going through similar.

This can be for anyone contemplating divorce, going through it, or on the other side of it. Anyone want to (reluctantly I'm sure!) join me?

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ChasingSquirrels · 20/12/2009 19:48

I'm probably going to be filing for divorce in a few months (will have been separated 2 years then). I guess things will get more difficult between us again when that happens.

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tiredoftherain · 20/12/2009 19:52

Hi chasing, sorry to hear that. At least in your situation you won't have to cite examples of anyone's unreasonable behaviours, which doesn't make for a pleasant atmosphere imo.

Does having the separation time to prepare make it easier do you think?

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ChasingSquirrels · 20/12/2009 20:18

well, I suppose I could have gone down the unreasonable behaviour route, and then later adultery, but it took the 1st year to get over it and this year has flown by, so now it doesn't seem worth doing anything when the 2 years is nearly up.

I think it is easier in that time has moved on. I do think the actual process of divorce wil bring it back again though.

How are you getting on?

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almostabutterfly · 20/12/2009 20:31

Hi Tired, this must be a daunting time for you. My exH and I split in 2007 and on the day of the two year anniversary I filed for divorce. It has been SO straight forward and amicable as we have been able to sign all the documents and agree on the financial side of things (arrangements for 2DDs have been in place since day one). My decree nisi is being announced the first week in January, then it will be six weeks and a day until I am divorced.

Had I filed for divorce immediately after leaving him on grounds of his adultery and unreasonable behaviour I think it would have been a very different process as emotions on both sides were raw and I was so angry.

I remember in the very early days, wishing that I could see six months or a year in to the future to see where the girls and I were and how we were coping. As it is, I now live with my wonderful DP who the girls adore, and ExH is happy with his lot too. Sad as it is, our separating has been the making of his relationship with the girls. Sorry if I've gone on - guess I needed to share too!

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GettingThingsSorted · 20/12/2009 20:54

I can (reluctantly) join. Think I need to sort this post Xmas although will require deep breath to discuss it with XH. Have been told that is best to sort within first six months and hoping we can sort it as grown ups rather than with a debacle. But let's see.

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tiredoftherain · 20/12/2009 21:51

Chasing, hopefully any pain this time will be short lived in comparison to the original split. It might enable you to move on from it all and lay it to rest.

hi almost, yours sounds a far more amicable situation than mine's turneed into. I would have filed for unreasonable behaviour or adultery, or preferably just waited until we'd been separated two years, but H was in a tearing rush and got in first. I'm trying to swallow the unfairness of what he's said (I parent the dc's separately from him - erm yes, that's because he works 300 miles from home during the week!) and get on with it.

I do that wishing I could see into the future thing too!! I just want to know I'll be ok and happy again. Glad it worked out for you!

Welcome getting, it sounds like it's never easy whatever the timing.

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JollyPirate · 20/12/2009 21:55

I am in the same position as Chasing - aprt two years in Feb and will be braoching the divorce at that time. Situation will be coe unpleasent again when that happens.

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ChasingSquirrels · 20/12/2009 22:01

I think I have moved on now am hoping the formalities won't be too painful.
If bloody mad though, we like each other, we now chat and laugh when handing the kids over.
Just such a waste, but hey ho.

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ChasingSquirrels · 20/12/2009 22:02

It WILL all be ok again tired, different yes - but ok.

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agingoth · 20/12/2009 22:02

hi all, I started something similar to this a while ago and think you were on it tiredoftherain.

I'm in a horribly messy divorce and really down about it all atm. I can't believe how thoroughly love and friendship have turned to hate, paranoia and ghastly competitiveness over the kids.

he is trying to force me into a mediation 4 days after I return from Christmas having just failed to get a job I really needed to relocate. I've said no and that I need more time. He is also accusing me of 'coaching' ds1 to say he wants to leave his school (ds1 aged 6 wants to leave so he can go to his best friend's state school round the corner- and has overheard/picked up that I want to leave London so kind of conflates the 2 things and has been saying to H 'mummy says I could leave school if I lived with her', etc )

it's just horrible horrible horrible, I am crying myself to sleep every night and can't believe my life turned out like this. Worse, I know a lot of it is my fault, I should have been less honest with H about not fancying him or loving him anymore and just hung in there until the kids were older- it would have been better than this vile situation.

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agingoth · 20/12/2009 22:05

btw H is filing on grounds of my adultery (technically true- we were separated though) which I was going to accept as it will all be quicker.

We still live in the same house as sadly are fighting over residence of the children (hate to use that word but it's the only one there is). I presume at some point a court order will have to be made as to who remains in the house and has primary residence- and if he refuses to make an arrangement which allows me to carry on working, I am staying there forever- til death us do part darling

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Scorps · 20/12/2009 22:07

I'm here too, dh leaving very soon. Due dc4 in 5 days too the arse. So far child contact and finance discussions have gone to my way.

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norksinmychristmasstocking · 20/12/2009 22:10

I am currently divorcing my H for adultery. I jumped straight in and saw my solicitor within a week of finding out ( he had been having an affair for a year and is still with her, I think)
As far as I am aware the petition is due out next week, and am hoping it doesn't make xmas more difficult that it will be anyway.
He has signed an admission statement and the arrangements for children form has been completed, so my solicitor has said it is really just a formality now.
Then we have the ancillary stuff to sort, which I am really not looking forward to

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agingoth · 20/12/2009 22:12

oh no Scorps how awful for you and the dcs

Thank god he's being reasonable re. finance.

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agingoth · 20/12/2009 22:14

Although H is an arse to me, I'm at least glad that however awful the situation is for me he does genuinely want to see his children- though sadly it's also become a battle for control over me I think. Still I am glad that he didn't just walk out of the kids lives, far too many men seem to do that.

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tiredoftherain · 20/12/2009 22:16

oh aging, that's awful for you at the moment. Hang in there, it won't always be this way. Can you get someone to act as an intermediary so you don't have to see him? I think when feelings are so raw people lash out all over the place.

Residence is one area H isn't fighting me on at all. I think he realises there's no point - he does 90 hour weeks some weeks and I've been a hands on SAHM. Plus the dc's are still very young, so we don't have the issue of them being too stuck in the middle just yet.

Hi scorps, have been posting on your other thread. I wanted to CAT you to see where in the county you are, I hope you get lots of support and the birth goes really well.

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Scorps · 20/12/2009 22:16

He doesn't really have much choice in my eyes, he ended the marriage. The car will be sold ( I don't drive) and half will be mine, also weekly money and he will pay nursery bill too. The logistics of him seeing dc4 will be odd as she will be BF but we will get around that somehow. Hoping she will be my focus .

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Scorps · 20/12/2009 22:18

I'm in very west cornwall.

I have the best family and friends; and he is pretty much alone. Shows the kind of people we must be....

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Scorps · 20/12/2009 22:19

Aging- so true, at least in some way he is a good person. I'm tryig to keep the dc first in my brain espe ially my new baby.

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agingoth · 20/12/2009 22:23

yeah Tired, I think I definitely 'lost out' re residence because I have worked full time the last 3 years (not when ds1 was little though) and because I was trying to be reasonable and facilitate reconciliation according to his demands I moved out for a year and carried on commuting the long long distance to work. So now I am buggered in residence terms

He's become more and more aggressive and abusive since I moved back in with the 'coaching' allegations which he made in hearing of ds1 and also attacked me for having moved back in (trying to tell me it was pointless and I would never change anything for the boys,heavily implying I am both selfish and insane and 'just doing all this to get back at him' etc...)

Scorps presume you want him to have the kids sometimes though so you get a break (I know that with dc4 that will be logistically awkward)

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Scorps · 20/12/2009 22:27

Yes he will be having them 1-2 nights a week plus a couple of evenings. Not too sure how dc4 will work, will have to do ebm and I will be able to go out and leave him with her. He is very capable father.

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lilac21 · 20/12/2009 22:59

I'll be there soon, but still waiting for house purchase to go through. Then one of the first things I'll unpack is the petition! I can't face it while we still live in the same house. Think my ex will get a bit of a shock - he has given me £200k which is a quarter of the equity and probably thinks I am so bloody grateful I'll ask for nothing more.

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agingoth · 20/12/2009 23:01

hehe lilac, as if

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lilac21 · 20/12/2009 23:18

Although I am v loyal to mumsnet, followers of this thread may also find wikivorce.com useful.

Now that term has finished and I have time to make personal phone calls during the day, I am going to ring a solicitor and talk things over properly.

Oh, and before I unpack, I'll phone the CSA and get things started, because then he'll have to give me 20% of his net income (gross >£100k) and not just what HE thinks is enough.

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leftorright · 21/12/2009 18:26

Hello, I am just commencing divorce proceedings (initially I started separation arrangements, but on receiving letter from solicitor H said, fuck it let's just divorce). Agingoth I have followed some of your threads and was looking for you recently - I'm so sorry your situation is still so rough for you. My H is still living here most of the time but it's like having a lazy student here - beer cans, pizza boxes etc. He sleeps on the couch like a dosser when there is a perfectly good bed or sofa bed and never gets up with the children.

We are just at the first round of financial arrangements. He seems to think everything belongs to him and it is up to him to decide how much he will graciously give me. Although he is a good, if lazy dad, his solicitor letter made no mention of the children. It was as though written by a childless bachelor.

He has a drink problem which he says he has addressed and when I gave him the ultimatum of giving up drinking or separating, he chose the latter!

Sorry for all of us in this shitty position, but nice to have some support here!