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Relationships

Long, very long - and involves prostitution, so please don't read if you're offended

99 replies

OFFS · 27/02/2009 05:45

If you have some sort of "issues" round about sex work, please don't bother replying. I'm as human as you and I'm not interested in your (probably uninformed) vitriol.

I'm namechanging for this post for obvious reasons. I'm an occasional/sporadic poster, and have been hailed as a caring friend on other threads in another name. I am actually a nice person. MNHQ have access to my email address, which is my working name@my working website address, so please keep your shouts of "Troll" to yourselves. I'm posting in the middle of the night because I don't think I'll sleep otherwise. I'll probably go to bed once I hit "Create Conversation", so sorry if I don't respond right away.

So. Several years ago, my DH was headhunted: double the salary he'd been earning, and all sorts of additional benefits. We had to move across country, and we took on a big mortgage. He then got laid off, we both desperately tried to get other work, but all that we could find simply wasn't enough to cover the bills. I suggested that I become an escort/prostitute - not DH, but he agreed. As I pointed out to him at the time, he had no interest in my work when it was dull, boring, routine stuff, no need for him to know the details once I became a whore. (Yes, I'm getting the pejoratives out of the way myself.)

As it turned out, I'd left it too late to save the house, but we sold at the price we'd bought and moved into rented. That's been fine - our landlord is not BTL and our tenancy is secure.

I would point out that I'm what's known as an "Independent" - I don't work the streets, or hotel bars, I don't work in a brothel or for an agency, I don't have any variety of pimp. I have a website and get my business through that. I have never had a violent client. HM Customs and Revenue are the only people who get a cut of my earnings, which is how it should be. For those who don't know, my work is entirely legal, and my clients aren't breaking any laws either.

For the first while, I was earning good money and DH didn't work (we have DCs, he became SAHD, and as I was SAHM when the DCs were very little, that was fine) - then I became resentful that the whole responsibilty for paying for everything was falling on me. Even when I was a SAHM, other than the first 18 months with DS1 and PND, I was earning, through shitty part-time jobs in the evenings and at weekends; he had three years doing fuck-all.

My resentment - I'll be honest - took the form of witholding sex. I know this will sound odd to many of you, but when I was SAHM I felt that it was important that I pleased him sexually, and expected the same from him when he was SAHD. What actually happened was that I couldn't be bothered/felt I didn't have to please him while I was the main earner, and he didn't step up to the plate. The result was/is that we have had rather dull, routine sex for years now. It's complicated by the fact that I am a sex worker - I don't feel comfortable "behaving like a whore" with my DH. (And I'm actually pretty vanilla as a hooker - some of you have more varied and interesting sex lives with your DH/DPs than I do with my DH or clients.)

After I bitched made my point, he did find work. It's not highly-paid and has irregular hours, but it helps. He's great at sharing domestic tasks and I have absolutely no complaints in that field.

Over the past few months, however, I have realised that I'd like a better sex life with my DH. It's not that we've become distant or anything - we still love each other, support each other, he's been brilliant domestically and so on, and we never fight - but sex has been rather dull for years and I wanted to rectify that. It's a gradual process, because I don't want him to think, "She's a whore", but I've been working on it (and he's been duly appreciative, though still not taking any sort of initiative.)

Because of my work, I've always deleted all of my internet histories, run crapcleaner after every online session and so on - I tell the DCs it's to avoid viruses, spyware etc (and we probably have the cleanest PC in the country lol!) but really it's because I don't want then to know the truth. My DH does the same, in the interests of privacy. (Oh come on, no-one wants to know that their dad looks at porn, and our DC are adults!)

We use Firefox as a browser rather than IE.

So, that's the back story. Now the news.

Every now and then, the PC crashes and needs a restart. I don't know about IE, but in such a case Firefox - if you haven't cleared everything - offers a "You closed unexpectedly, would you like to restart last session" or "start new session" option when the PC is back up and running and you fire up Firefox. Usually I hit "start new session" out of respect for privacy (highly prized in our household, and generally repected) but today, out of curiosity, and not expecting anything but porn, I hit "restart". My DH was out at the time, as were the DC. My DH was the last person to use the PC.

I know he looks at porn, and that doesn't bother me; we joke about it. I even thought I knew his favourite sites.

What I wasn't expecting was to find myself logged in to a yahoo account about which I knew nothing. What I further wasn't expecting was that he has memberships on all sorts of adult-dating, cheating, no-strings-attached sex sites. Not paid ones, mind.

Oh, yes, I looked at them all - I don't have the password to the yahoo account, but the yahoo account gave me passwords and usernames to many different accounts on diferent websites, so I figured I'd best use them while I could. And I did.

From quite comprehensive searching (I logged into every account I could find on all of the different sites) it seems he hasn't actually met anyone; there was one email from last summer where he said he was interested in uncomplicated shagging but nothing further seems to have happened. He's still got active accounts on different sites, some of which he accessed yesterday, but he hasn't responded to various winks, nudges or whatever. He hasn't filled out any profiles.

So I don't think he's been unfaithful, and I don't think he's likely to be, especially as I have been making more of an effort lately. (Well, he wasn't.)

So, do I say, "Darling, you did't clear your histories and I found...." or do I let it go, and make more of an effort to interest him sexually at home, or do we have a very uncomfortable conversation?

I would particularly appreciate SGB's input on this one.

And I've previewed this post, and spotted all my typos and really can't be arsed sorting them. |But to anticipate those who will say I've been unfaithful to him - he always knew what I was doing. I knew nothing about this.

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ClaudiaSchiffer · 27/02/2009 05:56

Blimey.

Gosh, what a thing. um. I think you need to have a chat with him.

Do you feel hurt by his seeking sex elsewhere? Are you still so financially stuffed that you have to continue to work as a sex worker? I think it must be very difficult to be married to someone who sleeps with others for a living, whatever your dh has agreed to.

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2sugarsandapuppy · 27/02/2009 06:29

1 and see what he says.
2 anyway.

Good luck

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 27/02/2009 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gscrym · 27/02/2009 07:32

You can't really make any decisions about anything until you talk to him. It's obvious you love each other, you took on a job many would look down on to try to keep things together. Have you talked about how he really feels about you being a sex worker? How do you feel about your work?

Whatever happens, I hope things work out to how you are happy with.

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Niftyblue · 27/02/2009 07:48

You need to talk to him egt ot all out in the air how you both feel

There is a big difference from what you are doing and to what he might be doing

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Niftyblue · 27/02/2009 07:49

I mean GET IT not egt ot

its too early in the morning for me

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hertsnessex · 27/02/2009 07:54

Id talk to him, dont let it fester and also say YOU want to have a mroe varied sex life. Maybe he feels jealous and self concious in the bedroom?

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BlameItOnTheBogey · 27/02/2009 08:02

Gosh what a tricky situation. To my mind though the issue is not sex with others; it's about trust and honesty. As you say, he knows (and relies) upon what you do for a living. His internet searches are done behind your back and are therefore a breach of trust.

I think you need to have this out with him. But I also think that you need to assume that, even though he knows about your work, he may still find it really, really hard to deal with and may, in his mind, justify his actions by equating them with what you do. You need to point out to him that the issue is trust and not/ not sex.

There's so much going on in your relationship that could cause real emotional turmoil (not condemning you at all but it's a complex set of issues) that I think it may even be worth getting some counselling so that you have a neutral environment in which to air your feelings and make sure that you have a healthy relationship.

Good luck whatever you do, I do hope it works out for you.

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OFFS · 27/02/2009 13:32

Thank you all for your kindness - I thought I'd take more of a flaming than that, as you can probably tell from my defensiveness in my OP. ClaudiaSchiffer, yes, I do feel hurt (but I understand it) and yes, sadly, I do have to continue with my work. The credit crunch is affecting even us. I am, however, seeking training in another field, and hope to gradually wind down the prostitution and move on. But that can't happen overnight (and obviously, I'm terrified I'll be "outed" in the future.)

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion, yes I can understand that he might feel that it'd be Ok for him to have casual sex since I'm not "faithful", and I really don't think he actually has. Yet.

2sugarsandapuppy and Niftyblue thank you.

gscrym we've never really talked about my work. I guess we thought if we didn't, it didn't matter. My previous work has included very strict confidentiality requirements, so we're used to not talking about what I do. I guess this one is a little bit more corrosive, huh?

hertsnessex I don't think he's jealous or self-conscious - we went away for a couple of days in order to have rampant, undisturbed sex a while ago (if you think small babies and toddlers are bad for your sex life, wait till they're adults and around 24 hours a day ) and had a great time. We just don't seem to translate that back home. It's difficult to give a spontaneous blowjob when your DCs are likely to wander in at any time (I knew we shouldn't have bought them cars, at least when they were stuck with the bus there was a timetable. )

BlameItOnTheBogey, yes, it's about trust. When I first realised what I was seeing and the implications, I wasn't quite sure what to feel - actually I was rather numb, waiting for the shock, horror to set in, and I'm glad I looked further and realised that probably nothing has happened.

So, I have to have that conversation, huh? I'm really not sure I want to.

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Niftyblue · 27/02/2009 13:37

This is`nt going to go away it will just get bigger and bigger

You do need to talk to him

keep posting

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Rhubarb · 27/02/2009 13:41

Hmm, do you think that because of what you do for a living, he is perhaps thinking that he is entitled to be a 'client' himself? Perhaps he is of the mindset that sex is boring at home, you're off pleasing other men, so he may as well look elsewhere for that same pleasure.

Is he getting resentful perhaps that your clients are getting a better deal than he is? After all, you say that sex with them is boring but he's not to know that or even necessarily to believe that. He could be torturing himself with all kinds of thoughts about what you get up to with them and yet he's not getting 'it'. Perhaps he even thinks that you've fallen for one of them and that's why you aren't bothered about sex at home?

Look, now that he has found work, is there any chance you could cut back on what you do, even stop altogether at some point? And you know, your dh probably knows how clean you keep the pc and perhaps he wanted you to find that out? Perhaps he wants you to stop but doesn't know how to approach you about it?

There are lots of things going on here. I would sit him down once the dcs are in bed, with a bottle of wine, and just have a really good chat. Come clean with him and tell him what you've found, he knows you are very pc aware so it's not surprising that you found out what he's been up to and I suspect he did want you to find it. Be prepared to listen - you may not like what you hear but he needs to say it. So let him. Don't get defensive. This is a very tricky situation and sooner or later this crisis had to come.

I wish you the very best of luck with it all.

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MayorNaze · 27/02/2009 13:42

can i just say OP, without meaning to sound patronising in the least, that it was v brave of you to post the truth, as oppose to some vaguaries that owuld make it difficult for anyone to offer advice.

and whether your job is miss whiplash or a sunday school teacher, i think you do need to have it out with your dh.

good luck

(really don't want to sound patronising, no offence meant at all)

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LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 27/02/2009 13:49

You maybe also have to consider that he was like this before you became a sex worker and that him agreeing to you becoming a sex worker was so that he could also have a more elaborate sex/fantasy life.

Not that I'm saying it is wrong or anything that he has a elaborate sex/fantasy life - would you be unhappy if he was unfaithful?

Is there a chance that because you don't talk about sex with clients it has tacitly given him permission (or he's taken it) to not talk to you about his sexual life.

Also I'm not saying that your 'sexual life' with clients is anything but a job but it may be to him as it's largely untalked-about.

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OFFS · 27/02/2009 13:52

Thanks again. Rhubarb, I'm certain he didn't mean for me to find it and he was acting quite normally all of last night. If he wanted a discussion, he'd sit me down to have it. He started the email account on 1 January 2007 so it's not a new thing and he's managed to hide it so far. I think he honestly thought he'd cleaned the PC, but because it had crashed everything was still there.

MayorNaze thank you, and you're not patronising at all. I just didn't see much point in claiming to be all virginal lol!

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OFFS · 27/02/2009 13:54

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid, no, absolutely not, or at any rate no more than any other man. We've been together a long time and I've never had reason to think he's anything less than faithful.

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MayorNaze · 27/02/2009 13:57

phew

i think this is the kind of thing that is going to start eating you up and therefore getting worse and worse and harder and harder to approach if you don't that about sooner rather than later

agree with the poster who suggested sitting down with a nice bottle of wine and just talking and getting it all out there.

get thee to an offy and have a think about how you can bring it up

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Rhubarb · 27/02/2009 13:57

Hmm. He's obviously not happy is he? I don't mean this to sound horrible, but I guess one of the downsides of your job is that you may well be seen in a different light by your dh. Almost as if it's fine for him to cheat because you can't claim to be squeaky clean. I know it's not like that and I don't know if that's how your dh feels.

Has he lost respect do you think?

Perhaps you should really have seen this job as just a temporary solution until you found something better? I'm concerned that you are still relying on doing this - are you looking round for other work? I know that none of them will be as well paid as this one, but could you make sacrifices to make up the shortfall?

I don't envy you your chat. I think you may hear things you don't want to hear.

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MayorNaze · 27/02/2009 13:57

*talk about it" not that about

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LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 27/02/2009 14:00

Does he realise (to the very depths of his being) that to you it's just a job.

And that it doesn't give him permission to get off with anyone.

Really for you.

Also think that even if he hasn't been unfaithful his behaviour indicates a part of him is not as happy with your work as he lets on. The good news being that he's not rying to start an actual relationship (like he has with you) with someone else. It's just possible he sees the no-strings-attached thing as the same as your work.

It's equally possible that none of this is anything to do with you being a sex-worker but I think as you're linking the two it probably has.

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Sidge · 27/02/2009 14:01

What a tricky one.

Could it be that you working in the sex industry has inherently changed the dynamics in your sex life, emotionally and physically? I would imagine that he feels conflicted wondering if, when you have sex together, you 'treat' it like work. What differentiates work and the sex you have with him, in his eyes? Does that make sense?

As for the PC situation, if you don't bring it up it could fester and cause problems. You've always been honest with him from what you've written, so he needs to be honest with you.

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solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 27/02/2009 14:01

I can only second everyone else's advice that you talk to him - and try to keep the talk as calm as possible. It is very hard for a sex worker's partner to deal with the fact, however intelligent, thoughtful and openminded the partner: people who are in polyamorous relationships (not involving payments) that work still have issues to discuss and resolve from time to time. Because society is still riddled with the mindset that any breach of monogamy is the worst thing in the world, dealing with monogamy-free living is kind of uncharted territory: there are going to be pitfalls every now and again.
Do you think you would be able to accept your DH having no-strings sex with other people, as long as he keeps to the same stringent safer-sex standards as you do? You could also agree other boundaries with him (for instance, could there be some sexual or sensual acts that you make sure he knows are reserved for him alone and you don't do them with clients? I assume you are high-end and therefore provide a full GFE.)
I wish you lots of luck in sorting this out, and would also recommend that you read (if you havne;t already done so) In Good COmpany, and The Ethical Slut both of which will have advice you might find useful.

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Rhubarb · 27/02/2009 14:04

Agree with solidgold, entirely.

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OFFS · 27/02/2009 14:05

I don't think he views me any differently - I've been a prostitute (look, in the industry we say "Working Girl" or WG, is it Ok if I say that here? I just don't like the word prostitute but don't want to be twee, either) for about eight years now, and he's still affectionate and supportive, in many ways more so than when he was main wage-earner.

This job was supposed to be temporary but raising teenagers is expensive and they're still living at home. We're not extravagent people and I'm not out all day shagging many people - I usually see 3 - 5 clients a week, but numbers are down because it's February and tbh we're skint!

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MayorNaze · 27/02/2009 14:12

is there any job you could perhaps look to getting that would match the money you make from your current employment ( i have no idea what sort of money you might make)? i imiagine you owuld need to put in more hours though and teenagers are easier to work round jobwise than littlies?
how old are your teenagers - could you charge them rent?
i don't necessarily think that what you do and what your dh is up to are linked, but maybe it would make it easier for you to become more intimate/spice things up with your dh and for both of you to be more relaxed about each other if you worked as something else?

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Rhubarb · 27/02/2009 14:17

Perhaps your dh is afraid to say exactly what he thinks because he is afraid of your reaction? Afraid of hurting you?

If he were a 'chaperone' let's say, how you feel about him having sex with people? I can't see how it can NOT change the way you view someone and your intimacy with that person. Men view sex very differently, my male friends tell me that for them, sex is about love and it's their way of feeling loved and of giving love, it's different to a shag. But your man might be finding it increasingly difficult to separate the notion of having a shag and feeling loved.

Also, is he insecure? It was because he lost his job that you took on this right? He's failed to find the equivalent job and so feels like a complete failure. What does he tell his friends what you do? Who can he talk to if he has worries? Is there anyone he can open up to or is this just between you and him?

People change as they get older and whilst he may have felt ok a year ago about this, his feelings may well have changed since.

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