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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

How do you know when it's over?

76 replies

geisha · 17/01/2009 18:32

Outside of abusive or unfaithful marriages - how do you know when it's time to stop trying?

OP posts:

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captainmummy · 17/01/2009 18:35

When DH is away 1 week in 4 and you actually look forward to those weeks. When it is easier to be yourself when he is not there. When it feels like it is you and the dc and then him.

Usuallly he is the last to notice.

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warthog · 17/01/2009 18:35

for me it was when i didn't have to ask that question anymore - i just knew.

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AccidentalMum · 17/01/2009 18:36

When the (ongoing) stress and chaos of breaking it down and parenting seperately is preferable and healthier?

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AccidentalMum · 17/01/2009 18:36

When you fantasise about him having an affair so you'd have an excuse to leave.

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sparkybabe · 17/01/2009 18:37

When other people notice that you are happier out on your own (or with the dc) than with him.

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sparkybabe · 17/01/2009 18:37

Accidentalmum - You got it.

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idontlikesundays · 17/01/2009 18:39

oh shit, that's me.

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idontlikesundays · 17/01/2009 18:40

accidentalmum, did he have the affair? did you get your excuse?

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geisha · 17/01/2009 18:57

Ok, how do you know when it's still worth trying?

OP posts:

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sparkybabe · 17/01/2009 19:00

Well now you're asking. When you would really rather be a couple than alone. If there is anything that rings your bell.

Seaking as someone who feels nothing - nothing - it's easy really. Well, for me at any rate.

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 17/01/2009 20:54

when you realise that life is just too short i guess
and that quite frankly
carrying on is effectively living a lie

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AccidentalMum · 17/01/2009 20:55

IDLS No affair, we are still muddling through...inertia and the DDs I suppose, but working towards living apart.

geisha Have you tried anything/ everything? Major changes to make it work? What are you willing to sacrifice to make it work (or to have the DCs in a two parent home)?

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prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 21:11

When you cant make your mind up, then you keep trying. When the thought of it being over still turns your stomach, and when you cant bear the idea of him with someone else.

Give up when the thought of being with him forever leaves you cold.

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RumMum · 17/01/2009 21:20

When life is considerable easier when he's not arround

when you go away with the kids... and you really don't miss him

when its you and the kids... and him

I know an old lady that had lost her husband of nearly 60 years.. she said to me.. you know rummum I miss everything about him.. and I thought.. you know I miss nothing about my husband when he's not arround.. that was when I knew

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 17/01/2009 21:25

LMAO Rum!
says it all

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fluxy3 · 17/01/2009 21:30

My husband has gone to france on a business trip..... not missing him at all. I spoke to him about 20 mins ago..... it was like talking to a stranger.
Actually, come to think of it he is a stranger to me.
Just the sound of his voice and the way he talks to me.... makes my skin crawl and all I want to do is put the phone down.
Guess its over!

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lilac21 · 17/01/2009 22:49

I think it's over when you would rather be separate than together, despite all the financial and emotional upheaval that entails...when you look at him and don't feel anything positive...when you're living in the same house but leading separate lives...when you look forward to him going out/to work/away because you'd rather he wasn't around.

For example, I was planning an early night but he has gone to bed already, light still on...and now I don't want to go to bed because sitting in bed reading with him beside me isn't the same. I nearly always go to bed after him now, and look forward to the day when my bedroom is exactly that - MINE - and I can do what I like.

Unfortunately, he has told me that as a Christian, he believes that we should stay together and he will not initiate a separation. I'm quite prepared to be the one to do that, and it will happen when I can't stand this situation any more. We have two girls aged 9 and 11 and they are all that's keeping me here now. I have told him that I can live like this for now, because I'm not unhappy enough to put them through a split...but I cannot be certain that I will manage to do that until they are adults, and I certainly can't bear the idea of living with him without them around. He must be getting so little out of what's left of our relationship that I wonder why he is determined to prolong it.

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solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 17/01/2009 22:52

Lilac21: if he feels that 'being a christian' means you belong to him and should put up with an unhappy marriage then your DDS are better off the sooner you separate.

IN general: when there is contempt on one or both sides, the relationship is doomed. You can be very angry with someone and be able to sort it out, but if you despise a person or become aware that s/he despises you, there is no going back from it.

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WhatsTheBloodyPoint · 17/01/2009 22:54

lilac21 I was 18 when my parents split - I had no issues with it at all. It was unacrimonious (a far as these things can be), had been expecting it for awhile and it was by far the best thing that couold have happened.

What i'm saying, to you and anyone else, is don't feel you have to wait until they're aduclts ie 21+ "children" can understand these kind of emotions from far earlier.

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lilac21 · 17/01/2009 22:56

Solidgold - he's 50 now and thought he was set up for his old age (I'm 40)...I'm thinking 'get lost, I have another 50 years on this planet and I'm not wasting them on you'...he's thinking 'I don't want to be a lonely old man'...which, frankly, is not my problem! We've talked about Relate but he's doubtful since he used them before and still divorced (1st wife) and I can't see the point in spending all that time and money on it when I don't want to save the marriage anyway.

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geisha · 17/01/2009 23:08

Do you get to a point of no return? Where things have gotten so bad and things said that the marriage just cannot recover from?

OP posts:

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lilac21 · 17/01/2009 23:15

geisha, we have reached that point (although I don't think he accepts that). We don't argue much, never did...but we lead separate lives and I don't feel anything for him. No-one in RL knows this yet and I am close to the point where I will tell my parents, although I'm being a coward and planning to wait until they go abroad for four months so I can do it on e-mail and not have my mum on the phone for hours talking about it...

I think when I feel I can tell people about our situation, that will be the point of no return. In fact I've already looked at house prices locally and worked out that if I'm prepared to move to a cheaper area, I can just about get a 3 bed terrace for £300k, and this house will have to be sold as we can't afford to buy the other out.

it's been a long process...six months ago we were still having sex (admittedly, it was infrequent and purely peace keeping on my part) but I reached the point where I couldn't bear it any more.

How are things between you and your DH? Can you say?

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solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 18/01/2009 00:52

Lilac: why did you marry him at all if you don't mind my asking? It sounds like he wants you as a housekeeper he a) doesn't have to pay and b) can have sex with.
And why can't you bear it? Is it because he treats you like an unpaid servant/sex toy or is he worse than that? If it's either of those then, honestly, get out as soon as you can.
If he's basically decent but utterly boring and you married him for security, then try and be as kind as possible when you leave - but don't feel you have to stay when you really feel you can't bear to.

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Technofairy · 18/01/2009 01:27

Lilac, it sounds as if your marriage is/was like my friend's. She described their relationship as being more like brother and sister than husband and wife. Sex stopped months before they split - she didn't want to and he stopped asking after being rejected time and again - and the only thing they had in common was love of the children. They cared for each other but that was it, the love had died. Fortunately they both knew it was over and wanted to move on so there was no acrimonious separation. They are now divorced and say that they get on better now than they did before. Both have new partners and know they did the right thing. Sometimes there is just no point in flogging a dead horse.

My friend knew that when she stopped wanting to have sex with him and had gone through several months of just going through the motions to keep him happy that there was no way back. I remember myself in a previous relationship that when the sexual attraction has died that it is gone forever. I tried too, allsorts to keep it alive, but when you just stop fancying someone there is nothing you can do to bring it back. I was sad, but it was just the way I felt and by the end I couldn't bear for him to touch me.

Luckily we had no kids together so were able to move on fairly easily but my friend and her ex partner have also been able to move on. It sounds to me like you know it is over and he is the one pretending all is well. I suggest that you do what is right for you and your DC. They will be fine. My friend's DC are fine. Kids aren't deaf or stupid and know when their parents aren't happy.

Don't make the mistake of staying in an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage for the sake of the children. They won't thank you for it says my DP. His parents stayed together too long 'for the boys' and he still remembers the nasty rows that happened nightly after he and his brother had gone to bed for years before his Dad left and he's 43. If you think it is over then end it and move on. It's the kindest thing for all, even for your DH, but especially for your DC and you.

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PurpleOne · 18/01/2009 05:10

when he was in debt up to his eyeballs and did nothing to make the situ better. I also think he was having an affair. He slept with her damn soon after I left.
I tried getting a job to help his debt out, but he would work nights and not get up for the kids at 4pm when I was going to work.

And I was bored fucking witless. DDs asleep, him either at work, playing guitar at 4am on full amp waking me and the DDs up. 'Oh but I sterilised the bottles' Yeah whatever. Or he would be chatting to this woman that he used to leg it down the garden with when she rang up at fucking 5am in the morning...and I was changing shitty nappies. (I'd listen on over the banisters) Still fucking denial, he did sleep with her didn't he!!!

When it was good, I would be gardening and he would be on the Playstation....
When it was bad, I just knew. Been divorced for 8 half yrs now and the best thing I ever did.