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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Married men, do they leave their wife for their mistress?

118 replies

BrazenHussy · 27/08/2008 19:53

The old expression 'He'll never leave his wife for you' is what people tend to say to the mistress and there are, i dare say, many
mistresses putting their life on hold, waiting for their married men to leave their wives - either as he has promised to do or just because they think he will eventually when the kids grow up/move out etc

Reading through the relationship section on here, this doesn't appear to be the case - many do leave.

So, do these men suddenly just become new men and remain faithful to their new partners (mistress) or does a leopard never change his spots?

Is anyone prepared to share this on here?

OP posts:

Report

liahgen · 27/08/2008 19:57

my ex h was seperated from his 1`st wife when we met.

He spent a year tooing and froing until i called it a day. He left for good a week later and we were together 9 yrs, until his mental and pohysical abuse became too much.

It was only in the last few months, and immediately after that i found out he'd been shagging half the town

So...ime, NO.

Still, he realised grass was not greener and spent next 3 years apologising and begging me to take him back.

Needless to say, I am now married to the love of my life, whom I met when he fixed the crappy car that exh gave me.

poetic justice.

liahgen · 27/08/2008 19:58

having said that, good friend in rl has just moved in with hers. I hope it works for them cos it's such a waste of people's lives.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 27/08/2008 20:01

my dad left his wife and young child for my mum . im not sure if he has ever cheated on her but i wouldnt put i past him.

he is very controlling and has spent the last 27 years abusing her mentally and physically. id ask yourself what sort of man is willing to cheat on his wife and children?

liahgen · 27/08/2008 20:09

i agree seashells.

fedupandisolated · 27/08/2008 20:12

My lovely SIL's husband had just done this. Came home and announced that he'd met someone else and they wanted to be together. The bastard then packed a bag and left. Poor SIL is devastated.

sammysam · 27/08/2008 20:46

My dad left my mum for his mistress-they are still together 11 years later and they seem 'strong' i really don't think he'd have cheated on her at all.........then again I wouldn't have thought he'd have done it to my mum

lulumama · 27/08/2008 20:48

a friends DH did. split with teh OW 2 months later. two families destroyed for nothing

HTH

snowleopard · 27/08/2008 20:49

My mum is with someone who left his wife for her, after an affair that went on for about 18 months.

I would never feel really comfortable with it though... you'd know you were with a potential cheater. My mum gets round this by convincing herself his ex-wife is a complete bitch - that old chestnut!

theinsider · 27/08/2008 20:50

"When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy".

snowleopard · 27/08/2008 20:51

I also know a woman whose DH had an affair, left her for the OW, had a new family with the OW, and a few years down the line is now cheating on the OW.

There must be examples where the man changes, but it's generally going to be a bad scene IMO.

BrazenHussy · 27/08/2008 20:57

Yes there does seem to be a pattern here, doesn't there? The man marries the mistress and then cheats all over again.

Like you say snowleopard - your relationship would be a non starter whee trust is concerned and yes, women believe it must have been the ex-wife's fault

theinsider - i haven't heard that expression before but so true lol

OP posts:

FlightAttendent · 27/08/2008 20:59

I 'got' him for about 3 months after they split. That included quite a few weeks where he was 'working away' aka living with someone else.

I didn't know about it but I strongly suspected because I had seen him lie so much. He was actually awful at it.

He was and is a complete shit. Foolishly I actually believed that our 'love' was worth all the hurt we caused. Ha ha. Noooo.

He did marry the one after me, but I have utterly no doubt that he is or will be doing the same to her...he is psychologically programmed to be a 'loner' and that conveniently allows him to compartmentalise his relationships. It is ALL about him and what he needs. Nobody else counts for shit.

I would go with the book - if they leave within 9 months they might be in it for real. Any longer and they are quite happy how things are thankyou.

Flibbertyjibbet · 27/08/2008 21:00

My cousin left his first wife for his 2nd. He married no 1 very young (his excuse) and they had no kids but he still too-ed and fro-ed for 18m till his brother told him to sort it out.
Last year he left 2nd wife after 15 years and 2 children.

WideWebWitch · 27/08/2008 21:00

Er, do they leave their mistresses? No, mostly not but sometimes they do! But who would want them, frankly?

Are they Then Faithful? Er, no, probably not. If he lied to his wife why wouldn't he lie to you? As the odious James Goldsmith said "when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy"

lizziemun · 27/08/2008 21:04

I worked with someone who affair with a married man who left his wife and 5 children to be with her. Then had 3 children with her. And yes after 10 together he left her for someone else.

On the other hand my dad left my mum for my stepmother and they have been together for 18years.

AbbaFan · 27/08/2008 21:13

My dad left my mum for his - but only after mum found out he was having an affair . Think he would of just carried on otherwise.

Shoshe · 27/08/2008 21:14

Ex left me for our 16 year old babysitter, 3 weeks after our newborn baby died.

He married her, had two children, left her when the youngest was about 5,

Married the next one, had two more kids, left her when the youngest was 2,

Married the next one 1 kid, just left her.

Can you see a pattern!

TillyScoutsmum · 27/08/2008 21:16

My dad left my mum for my stepmother and they have been married for 27 years (and I don't think he's cheated).

Are there not different "types" of affair ?? I think there are men (and women) who shag around whilst in a relatively happy marriage and I suspect these Leopards keep hold of their spots. I also think there are people in unhappy marriages which are reaching the end but who don't have the balls to end it before starting a new relationship. An "overlap" affair, if you like. I suspect that was the case with my dad.

liahgen · 27/08/2008 21:17

shoshe

ThatBigGermanPrison · 27/08/2008 21:18

The reason that reading the relationship section has given you the impression that many men leave their wives for their mistresses is that the relationship section subjects are started by wives, and never has any information on all the mistresses that never get found out by the wife.

FlightAttendent · 27/08/2008 21:20

That's right - there are various defined types.

The 'open door' affair where it is used as an excuse to leave..usually dumps mistress shortly after she has fulfilled her purpose.

The 'three legged stool' affair - this one can go on for years. Neither relationship will survive if one person leaves the triangle. So wife finds out, ditches him, he leaves mistress too.

Can't remember the others.

Shoshe - that's awful.

ThatBigGermanPrison · 27/08/2008 21:21

Shoshe, there is qa special place in the circles of hell for that cunt.

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Shoshe · 27/08/2008 21:22

Hey it was a lifetime ago, and I am now married to the most amazing man.

TillyScoutsmum · 27/08/2008 21:24

Shoshe - what an unmitigated cunt .

Glad you've found your amazing man though

Shoshe · 27/08/2008 21:24

Funny thing is, saw him recently, and he said he should never have left, I assured him he should have

My DD would have been almost 17, and I dont ever regret her, but glad Im not married to him now.

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