Opinions sought about how you would feel about one of the worst things you could imagine actually happened and noone told you.

[Lauriefairycake]

So, in this scenario you're divorced and you remarry. Fastforward ten years and most people in the family know your husband abused your daughter (his step daughter) sexually when she was a child but noone ever told you.

How would you feel about this

Currently trying to persuade someone to tell her (she is lovely and greatly loved) but I am not in the family.

[scorpio1]

I would be so enraged i was not told - this would be my DAUGHTER ffs.

Also so mad that others protected him.

Can you tell her?

[Buda]

She needs to know.

[OverMyDeadBody]

betrayed and enraged

[Lauriefairycake]

I am supporting the person it happened to, for many reasons it has to be her decision to tell her.

I am hoping to show her this thread so that she will realise that she as her mother will want to know and also as a married woman in a relationship with this man that she will want to know. That make sense?

[Pesha]

Outraged, betrayed, disgusted...all sorts of emotions and none of them good.

She should be told, its her daughter. How on earth do other people know and she doesn't?!

[skeletonbones]

If he still lives there with the daughter someone needs to tell social services and protect the daughter. How can people in the family know about the abuse and not the mother? Also if this man is a known abuser and hasn't been reported, other children are at risk too.

[frumpygrumpy]

furious
truly devastated
like my heart had been ripped out
I would want to scream and shout at each and every one of them that they were as bad as he
then I would want to pack up my life with my daughter and get the F* out of there.

[ginnedup]

I would be devastated. More by what he did and my not being able to protect her than by not being told tbh.
As long as they didn't know while it was going on and didn't tell - that would be terrible.
Is she still with the stepfather?

[Lauriefairycake]

Other people know because the girl it happened to sought support from others in the family.

Noone is hiding it from the mum for any devious reasons only to support the child until she is ready to tell her.

[EiWishFor3MoreWishes]

oh my god i would be so angry!!!has this situation actually happened to someone you know??
if this were me i would want to know and the fact that nobody had told me for that long would be so heartbreaking!! if this is something that is happening now why was the situation covered up what about the child protection aspect?? how old is the child now? does she think her mum knew and didt protect her? if you are not in the family are you a friend of hers? if so then i consider my friends as a part of my family and would be devastated if i found out that this had happened and everyone else knew and nobody told me especially my friends
what a bad situation either way you look at it
xx ei xx

[skidoodle]

Jeepers.

How old is the child now? Are any other children at risk from this man?

This might be a situation where you need to take the decision away from people who are protecting a child abuser.

[frumpygrumpy]

Oh I have mis understood. You mean your friend is the daughter who was abused and her family all know she was abused and she doesn't know...... presumably because she was too young to understand at the time?

Thats very different.

[Lauriefairycake]

She is now 22.

yes, she is still with the stepfather. I promise no other child is at risk as otherwise I would legally have to intercede (as I'm subject to the Childrens Act)

[ginnedup]

Oh God. I've just read the rest of this. She is still with the man? Someone needs to tell her and he should be reported, especially if he is ever in contact with other children.
What a terrible situation - she is lucky to have you to talk to.

[EiWishFor3MoreWishes]

sorry Xposted
how old was the daughter when it happened?
if it was my DD i would want to be told regardless of whether she was 8 or 18 the family should have informed the mum and allowed her to support her daughter and protect her from the situation instead of leaving her exposed to life with the abuser
xx ei xx

[Lauriefairycake]

It is my mother in law who doesn't know.

it is my sister in law it happened too. I have not known her since she was a child.

[Lauriefairycake]

She was 11

I have been supporting her with this for a year and a half, only now is she approaching being ready to tell her.

[frumpygrumpy]

No, i still don't have it right......

Your friend is the girl who was abused
She sought support from other members of her family but not her mum
Her mum doesn't yet know.

??

Sorry, i want to get this right because you don't need the wrong advice about something so sensitive.

[postingatlast]

is this a client Laurie?

[postingatlast]

sorry, x-ed posts, didn;t see the bit about your sister in law...

[skeletonbones]

How can you 100% say that no other children are at risk? what about if a friend of the mum asks her to babysit their young children?
'oh sorry sue I can't as I have to go to the dentists, but 'John' could do it, he was always really good with my daughter when she was young...'
I feel horribly sorry for your friend by the way and understand it must be very very difficult for her, but she is protecting this man by her silence.

[EiWishFor3MoreWishes]

if you are subject to the childrens act then what has stopped you from legally interceding before?? once a child abuser always a child abuser IMO we have this 'problem' in my familys past (my mother and aunties) and they naively believed they were the only children affected but have recently found out (since the bastard died) that he had continued to 'silently' abuse other young girls in the family since (spanning a total of 40 years of abuse) he has showed the tendency so what is stopping you from legally acting? (i dont mean to sound rude or anything just a question)
xx ei xx

[Lauriefairycake]

The reason I'm asking on here is because she is so concerned about telling her (not because she doesn't think she will believed).

She loves her mum very much (and has been protecting her).

I thought as she was trying to protect her mum if I got you all to say how you would feel being married to an abuser without knowing then it might help to reassure her that she was doing the right thing.

For a year and a half I've been trying to get her to focus more on herself and what she needs. Only now am I trying it from the angle of her mum needing to know for herself (as thats the only thing I can see working as she is only thinking about her being devastated)

I am trying to get her to see that yes she will be devastated but also that she deserves to know for many reasons.

[frumpygrumpy]

I would feel terribly upset. So sad that my darling child had been hurting and couldn't tell me. I would feel angry that the other family members had not encouraged and supported her to tell me years ago.