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Don't know what to do - I've ruined everything

(101 Posts)
3rdRockFromTheMoon Mon 26-Sep-16 18:21:01

First time poster but not expecting anyone to go easy on me - I know I'm a complete cow. Married happily for over 20 years - never strayed, never wanted to. Until now.
In a nutshell, we were/are still the best of friends, but he's not interested in me sexually any more.
Thought that I could cope with that, didn't even think about looking elsewhere, just accepted it.
Then a couple of months ago he was away on a lads weekend and I went out with some mutual friends for the evening. Yes, I slept with one of our friends (had never thought of him like that before and don't know where it came from - but it just felt so right.)
Anyway - I'm now completely full of guilt, don't know what to do, but at the same time have developed pretty strong feelings for other man (who is single, decent, respectful and feeling guilty too but has admitted that he has feelings for me too.) don't know what to do. Don't even know what I'm asking really, just feel so low.

wonderingsoul Mon 26-Sep-16 18:26:03

Well tbf hes not decent ir respectfull if hed fuck hes friend over like that is he. Id say thats worse then sleeping with a stranger. Double beteayal.

Iv think youd done a really shit thing but you need to deal with it now. Itll come out. It allways does. So tell your husband. I can see why youd do it but thats nonexcuse at all. Your dh will ethier leave you or itll bring stuff to the forfront and you can wotk througj it

limbocentral Mon 26-Sep-16 18:32:59

You already know it's not great, (though you will get flamed on here - most likely by people who have been hurt by similar) so brace yourself OP. I think in this instance you need to be completely honest with your OH. Decide what it is you want, let him decide what he wants too - and see where you go from there. You owe it to both him and yourself to be honest. You can't build a relationship on lies and hidden feelings.

Relationships are tough, and nobody is perfect ... but I think total honesty and frank discussion is what is needed now.

LouisvilleLlama Mon 26-Sep-16 18:34:14

Yeah OP it's a pretty shitty thing to do, especially with a friend, I think cheating is despicable but I always think back to friends the one the morning after " you always think about the trail between the person you slept with and the person you're going out with" well there is no trail and the friend has feelings for you, he's not decent because he slept with you I can see this easily coming out

3rdRockFromTheMoon Mon 26-Sep-16 18:34:37

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I know that I've been a shit - totally out of character. I can't bear the thought of hurting my husband so much - he really doesn't deserve it. He will never find out though, ever. As for other man, no it doesn't sound good but he really is lovely and totally out of character for him too.

limbocentral Mon 26-Sep-16 18:37:03

3rd rock he should find out, because you should tell him. You owe him that much. Because only then can you get your relationship onto an even, honest keel - if that is what he decides he wants.

JaneJefferson Mon 26-Sep-16 18:54:47

Thing is - do you still want to be with your DH if he is not interested in you sexually This might be the catalyst you need for a move. It sounds like your marriage might have run its course.

3rdRockFromTheMoon Mon 26-Sep-16 18:59:52

Million dollar question Jane. Never doubted wanting to be with him before this happened but now that it has, so many feelings have risen to the surface that I just don't know anymore.

Hotwaterbottle1 Mon 26-Sep-16 19:10:40

I wouldn't tell him just yet but I think you need to talk to him and tell him you don't think you can live like this & take it from there.

Bibbidee Mon 26-Sep-16 19:18:59

Get a self help book and work on your relationship. That lust feeling only lasts for 18 - 36 months apparently then it's the same old same old. Btw my 20 year relationship ended last month when he had an affair. I am broken in to tiny-weeny pieces it is awful.

allsfairinlove Mon 26-Sep-16 19:37:28

Are you thinking of having an affair OP?

3rdRockFromTheMoon Mon 26-Sep-16 19:40:19

So sorry to hear that Bibbi and hope that your hurt stops soon. I certainly never meant to hurt anyone - I know I've behaved disgracefully and if I could turn the clock back I definitely would.

Bibbidee Mon 26-Sep-16 19:41:55

Get the book I love you but I'm not in love with you' quickly.

3rdRockFromTheMoon Mon 26-Sep-16 19:42:17

No allsfair - I couldn't. Just thoughts are in turmoil at the moment.

3rdRockFromTheMoon Mon 26-Sep-16 19:43:33

Will have a look at that Bibbi - thank you.

greenfolder Mon 26-Sep-16 19:44:18

Erm. I am happily married for the same time as you. We have our ups and downs but if he never wanted to sleep with me again I could not live like that. It's not great that you slept with someone else but don't beat yourself up for ever. Is this telling you to move on?

OhhBetty Mon 26-Sep-16 19:44:19

So you cheated on him and now you don't even respect him enough to tell him?

I would not judge you for ending a sexless relationship. I would judge you for cheating though. There's never an excuse.

LookingOldBeforMyTime Mon 26-Sep-16 19:47:16

I'm with Hotwaterbottle on this one. What it it going to achieve by telling your Husband the sordid details. I think it can only muddy the waters.

You say you 'were/are the best of friends' - but is that what you want from marriage or you have simply accepted that as you lot - because that is what your husband has imposed. If it is not what you want from marriage then perhaps you need to decide if it is worth fighting for something better. Like Hotwaterbottle suggested simply tell your husband that you are not prepared to continue as it is. If the situation changes whether by Counselling, either together or alone, and if it produces the type of marriage you want - great. If not you have to decide on your next move. Are you prepared to stay with the status quo you have or start a new life apart.

Does your husband love you? Why is no sexual contact? Does he have a physical or medical problem he has not addressed or to put it bluntly, is he getting it elsewhere? Or has absence become habit due to other pressures e.g. work, alcohol, whatever.

What you did was a wake up call. Don't take that aspect any further while you are with your husband. But to simply tell him "I've been sleeping with one of your friends" at this stage will make it more difficult to restore your marriage to what it should be.

I wish you luck and success it whatever approach you take.

3rdRockFromTheMoon Mon 26-Sep-16 19:53:35

I don't want to hurt him - I love him. I thought that I had accepted that we aren't intimate anymore because I love him. This has come as a complete shock to me - completely out of nowhere. I never intended to cheat and never intended to end my marriage but at the moment can't make sense of my jumbled feelings. We're only early forties so have got a lot of years ahead of us - I just want to do the right thing for us.

Littleballerina Mon 26-Sep-16 19:57:30

You obviously do not love him, don't kid yourself.
You need to tell him so he can decide what happens next.

TheNaze73 Mon 26-Sep-16 19:58:49

The right thing then OP is to tell him you've cheated

OhhBetty Mon 26-Sep-16 19:59:36

But you have hurt him already. End the marriage if you aren't happy. But if you want to repair it he should be in possession of all the facts.

allsfairinlove Mon 26-Sep-16 20:01:36

Actually I disagree that you can't love him because you cheated 3rd.

If you are in a sexless marriage I think it is understandable that you would be tempted and in this case, you gave into that temptation.

But if you want to save your marriage you really do need to confront the lack of physical intimacy.

FetchezLaVache Mon 26-Sep-16 20:02:03

It's never all black and white, is it? I'd say that the fact you ended up sleeping with someone completely out of nowhere like that shows that the sexless marriage bothers you more than you'd perhaps realised. I'm with LookingOld and Hotwaterball.

FetchezLaVache Mon 26-Sep-16 20:02:28

Hotwaterbottle, even. Goodness knows where that came from!

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