Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do I chase him? Met someone I think could be 'the One'

(97 Posts)
commonpeasant Fri 23-Sep-16 19:45:20

After 10 years in a horrible relationship, I finally found the courage to leave. My Ex was abusive and did he best to keep me down. During the 10 years together, I often met lovely men I would befriend, but nothing would ever happen as I was loyal to my DP at the time. All of these friendships fizzled out as the men wanted a relationship rather than a friendship.

Very soon after I left my DP, I met a man who was very different to any man I had/have ever met. We instantly clicked and I foresaw a good friendship. He was/is in a relationship so I never entertained or thought about being with him. I just did not see him in that way. Because of this, I would often chase him down to meet socially (as a friend), but he would almost always decline. I felt nothing of it.

A few months into our very distant friendship (he rarely agreed to see me alone socially), we ended up at my place (after I had literally begged him to allow me to join him and his friends for dinner). I was extremely drunk, he was sober. Because of the alcohol, I was feeling quite frisky.

While at my place, he said he wanted to be with me and wanted to do things properly (wait till we are together before being intimate). I wanted fun. Because of this, he ended up leaving my house and we stopped talking, given we wanted different things.

Fast forward 1 year and I still think about him. I happened to run into him in town and we got talking again. Agreed to meet socially. And here we go again - he seems reluctant to actually physically meet. He sometimes proactively reaches out and tries to set time up, but he never seems to be able to see it through to the end.

If someone told me the above, i'd tell them to move on - he is not interested. But given I genuinely believe this man to be my soul mate, what do I do?

yoink Fri 23-Sep-16 19:48:43

he's just not that into you.

how can he be The One if you're not His One?

Noctilucent Fri 23-Sep-16 19:51:26

Please stop throwing yourself at him and work on your boundaries. He's not into you, and I think that's a large part of the attraction.

Losingtheplod Fri 23-Sep-16 19:54:24

Do you really think "the one" would be unkind enough to mess you around like that? You are worth more than that!

commonpeasant Fri 23-Sep-16 19:54:28

I don't think the fact he is not into me is the attraction ( I hope not at least).

I guess I feel sad because I feel like a missed the opportunity due to my drunken behaviour that one night....

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime Fri 23-Sep-16 19:55:16

He's got someone else.

Somerville Fri 23-Sep-16 19:55:34

You spent ten years in a horrible relationship and now you're flirting at the edges of another horrible relationship.

Go and date some single men who actually want to spend time with you.

MistressMerryWeather Fri 23-Sep-16 19:57:10

He's not your soulmate

You don't have to beg your soulmate to be allowed to hang out with them.

If I were you I would stop wasting my time with this guy, be alone for a while and work on my self-esteem.

I bet your friends don't think very highly of him.

missyB1 Fri 23-Sep-16 19:57:22

No stop thinking you messed it up, it he had been into you then it would have happened for you both. But he's not interested and I doubt he ever was. Sorry to sound harsh but you need to move on from this guy.

MistressMerryWeather Fri 23-Sep-16 19:58:18

But he didn't want to spend time with you even before the drunken night.

raisedbyguineapigs Fri 23-Sep-16 19:59:07

Is he still in the relationship? If he wanted to be with someone else, he should have ended the relationship. He'd then be free. As others have said, if he was 'the one' he would have made more effort, left his partner and said he wanted to be with you.

commonpeasant Fri 23-Sep-16 19:59:35

Yes, he has a partner. FWIW, I a 29, he is 40.

I don't want to date him, I just was maybe thinking I could let him know how I feel, and then leave it at that. I wouldn't do anything else as he has a partner which I respect.

Life is short and I don't want to regret never saying anything.

Luvjubs Fri 23-Sep-16 20:01:11

Stop chasing another woman's man. He's not interested, clearly. He probably talks to you when he's arguing with her. Get some self respect.

Madinche1sea Fri 23-Sep-16 20:02:03

if he wants to take things further he knows what he needs to do. Throwing yourself at him will have the opposite result than the one you're aiming for. It can be a real turn off. Plus he's with someone else!

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime Fri 23-Sep-16 20:03:19

So basically he's married with kids and that's why he can never meet up?

SheldonsSpot Fri 23-Sep-16 20:04:36

He was/is in a relationship

Where's your self respect. You've practically offered yourself on a plate and he doesn't want you. Cringeworthy.

AnyFucker Fri 23-Sep-16 20:04:46

I am embarrassed for you. Find an unattached bloke. This is no way to behave.

TheZeppo Fri 23-Sep-16 20:04:51

Erm, it doesn't seem like you respect that he has a partner at all? You say you chased him down, got him back to yours and were 'frisky'.

You sound rather awful, actually. Leave him alone. If a man wants to be with you, he'll be with you.

PatriciaHolm Fri 23-Sep-16 20:05:16

Are you really asking us to give you the go ahead to try convince him to have an affair??

PatriciaHolm Fri 23-Sep-16 20:05:33

Are you really asking us to give you the go ahead to try convince him to have an affair??

MistressMerryWeather Fri 23-Sep-16 20:05:36

I missed the part where he is still with his partner.

That's actually a pretty selfish and immature attitude. He's with someone and you want to open a can of worms anyway.

From what you have said I think he knows perfectly well how you feel.

He's an asshole for perpetuating this by continuing to contact you. Don't get mixed up with this guy because he will fuck you over.

Afterthestorm Fri 23-Sep-16 20:07:44

You are going to really embarrass yourself if you carry on like this....

AnyFucker Fri 23-Sep-16 20:07:47

I don't think this guy even wants to fuck her. Even though she has offered it on a plate. How utterly depressing that some women, despite escaping awful relationships themselves, seem to go out of their way to destroy others.

He doesn't fancy you, love. Geddoverit.

raisedbyguineapigs Fri 23-Sep-16 20:07:52

I have a friend who was in the same situation. She did confront the guy and say she had feelings for him. She never heard from him again. He slunk back to his wife, ignored all her emails, said she had misinterpreted all the signals etc. He just wanted a bit of a flirt. If his wife had found out, I bet he would have thrown her under a bus without a second thought. She thought he was her soul mate too.

Lupinlady5 Fri 23-Sep-16 20:09:13

He's just not interested. Please don't pursue this or build it up in your head. Allow yourself to be free to meet someone who is available.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now