How do I tell my immediate family I am pregnant? (Very long, sorry!!!)

[howdoItellmyfamily]

I need help dealing with my immediate family.

They are all members (as was I) of a church that they would describe as evangelical / fundamentalist Christian but that most ex-members (even those who are still Christians) describe as a cult.

To give you a flavour: in addition to belief in the literal truth of most the bible (e.g. Adam & Eve is true instead of evolution, Revelation is a description of the end of the world, which will happen in our life time) they also believe; no popular music, it?s of the Devil, you?re not allowed friends that aren?t in either theirs or a similar church, unless you?re trying to convert them, some weird and wonderful beliefs about not being allowed certain toys (frogs, pigs) because they become possessed easily, that you should live your life by the prophesies and dreams of the church elders, and also they believed in ?spare the rod, spoil the child?, and boy did I get some leather belt lashings from my Mum and Dad. Dad was the ?liberal? one of the two of them (by liberal I mean he would allow us to watch certain programmes on TV that Mum didn?t approve of, or occasionally he would fight our corner with Mum, that sort of thing; my Mum was awful and did some terrible things to us).

I was kicked out at age twenty two for one of the worst crimes that I could have committed in their eyes. I had a boyfriend, not only was he not one of them he was actually an atheist, and I was sleeping with him! (I?d had boyfriends before but managed to keep them hidden, but they managed to cotton on to this one).

At that point my life got much better; his parents let me move in with them, we got our own place and lived our lives together and eventually? he became my dh.

I tried, I really did try, to maintain contact with them. It was very difficult; my mother in particular went out of her way to tell me how I was hell-bound, and kept saying things like ?you?ll come back to the church, you?ll leave this man,? and ?are you sure this is forever? Because Jesus isn?t sure, he?s told me in a dream?, when dh had a car crash, but was fine in the end, ?it was a warning from God?, but I persevered.

Until I told them I was marrying him. My mother and sister and I had a huge falling out; they didn?t want to come to the wedding (my sister had previously said she?d be a bridesmaid but obviously hadn?t meant it) and after much ?soul searching? I made the decision not to contact them again. My Dad wasn?t as bad, and as I say, I have managed to have conversations with him by email from time to time, we avoid talking about religion, and he has been brilliant at sticking to this (and nor do I talk about my lack of belief with him of course!) but I?d hardly call it a strong relationship, it?s more like the sort of things you?d say to a distant uncle, iyswim.

Sorry for the life story, here is the dilemma.

I am pg, and my little boy is due at the end of March. I do not want my mother back in my life. But I would like to tell my father that he has a grandson. So far I?ve not told him, because he would tell my mother and I did not want that stress in my pgcy. But now I don?t know what I?m going to do. I was going to wait until after the birth and see how I felt then. (I don?t want her near me while I?m pg, the stress would be too much.)

But if I leave it until then, what?s my Dad going to say? He?s going to be incredibly hurt that in all the emails I?ve sent him I?ve not once mentioned my pregnancy. But if I tell him, he?ll tell her, and there is no knowing what she might do. I doubt she?d want to just leave it; the thought of her grandson being brought up by a pair of non-believers would be anathema to her. And part of me would quite like to see my younger sister again.

Also I have heard there is something called Grandparents? Rights, and that if she knew I had a baby she would be legally entitled to have access to him anyway.

My question is, when should I tell them? And how?

I?m really sorry this is such a long post. Please, please, do not be judgemental of me for not loving my mother and not wanting to see her!

(Also, I really do not want people coming on here and turning this into some kind of discussion about religion. I need help and advice and not for this to turn into a comment on belief.)

[howdoItellmyfamily]

Sorry about the question marks, I wrote it in Word first to make sure it read okay, for some reason apostrophes don't match.

[DetentionGrrrl]

It sounds to me like there is no right way of doing this, and that the relationships you have with them are frayed anyway. Just do it- next time you email your Dad, tell him that he's going to be a grandfather. There seems to be some distance there anyway- unless you really believe that your mother is going to be camped outside your house with religious picket signs the next day, i think you might be over-thinking it.

Yes, families are stressful, but you don't have to read their emails / take their calls / visit them etc etc if they do become odd about it- you're a grown woman who can decide who she accepts in her life.
(And the if you are estranged from your parents, no court would say you HAD to give her access to your son. It applies more to grandparents who are involved in their grandchild's life, and then a divorce or split results in them not seeing the child- and it's unlikely even then.)

And most importantly- congratulations on your pregnancy

[WideWebWitch]

In your position I'd write once you've had your baby so that you're telling them but you don't have to speak to them. Send a card, that's all you need to do. I'd make it clear that the door's open for your sister. And you didn't tell your dad because of your mum so no explanation needed and if he asks for one, that's it.

If you're in the UK no grandparents rights exist afaik but someone else may be able to confirm.

[howdoItellmyfamily]

Thanks for that, maybe I am over thinking it, I think I am still scared of my mother, I know that's a bit pathetic given I'm nearly thirty.

And it is comforting to know that she does not have a legal right to see him, are you 100% on this btw? (I don't mean to doubt you but I want to be totally sure!!)

[noddyholder]

I agree with writing to them.Wait until your baby is here and you are settled and not stressed and then let thtem know they have a lovely grand child

[McDreamy]

You poor thing, telling your family you are pregnant is supposed to be made of happy memories. I am so sorry!

I think your dad is going to find out eventually about his grandson, either now or after he is born so why not tell him now - you haven't much time left until he arrives anyway and he would know before your little boy comes along.

As the previous poster has said even if he does telly our mum you do not have to reply to her calls etc and that's assuming she gets in touch.

Would it be possible to tell your dad how you feel about your mum knowing? Not really sure any of this helps but just wanted to reply. Hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and good luck for your big day

[edam]

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

WWW is right, no such thing as grandparent's rights. I wouldn't tell them until I'd had the baby, in your shoes. But... if you really do want to tell your dad, I'd ask him first if he could have some information without sharing it with your mum. He knows what she's like, obv, and is clearly keen to maintain a relationship with you.

[DetentionGrrrl]

Howdoittell..... There is no way that a woman even you don't like or have contact with will have a legal right to see your child. Honestly!

[monkeymonkeymoomoo]

Difficult situation, I'd wait until the baby is born for self preservation reasons. You don't owe your folks anything (easy for me to say I know!) and you need to consider the health of you and the baby.

As has already been said if anyone asks why nothing was said earlier explain it was to avoid a negative reaction from your Mum that you fel unable to handle whilst pregnant.

[howdoItellmyfamily]

I don't know, I think if I asked him "could you keep a secret" he might very well guess what the secret was. I'm probably being paranoid aren't I? But he doesn't have the best history of standing up to her.

Sending a card sounds good, I was worried it sounded like such a cop out, but if you all think it isn't, it might be what I do.

[Pages]

Think of yourself and your DH and baby. You are what matters. Your mother has created this situation and you have no reason to feel guilty for not wanting her in your life. Do you want your dad to be a grandfather to your baby or are you just feeling duty bound to tell him? I think if you don't want to tell them then don't. Their/your mum's influence over your child will be a malign one. You would never be able to leave your child alone with them, and I agree given your childhood no court would endorse that. I think I personally would be inclined to get on with my life and not tell any of them.

[DetentionGrrrl]

by sending a card too, you could pop a picture in it (if you were comfortable with that)

you never know- seeing their grandchild could have a funny effect on them.

[McDreamy]

Whatever you decide to do I really hope it works out for you. I must admit the idea of a card in the post sounds like a good one in the circumstances.

[Pruni]

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[howdoItellmyfamily]

Pruni my only worry with doing that, is that if I finally tell my Dad how much I can't bear my Mum, he will not want to know me any more either. I mean, I'm sure he knows, I have never once asked about her in the times we've emailed each other, but he doesn't actually know, iyswim. And they are still together.

I think I am going to go with the idea of writing a card when lo is born. And if my mother wants to be in touch, I can stipulate the criteria (only ever when dh / mil is over can she come round, that sort of thing) under which she gets to see him.

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh.

[moondog]

No
Tell them now.
If you tell them later it will cause even more pain and upset and suggests that you are frightened of being honest.
You are a grown married woman.
How they deal with this (delightful) news is their problem not yours.

If you don't tell them it will niggle and worry you.
What is best?
The agony of the 10 minutes writing an e mail or the worry that makes you sick to the stomach for months,haunting you in the early hours??

[Pruni]

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[Pruni]

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[sazzybee]

I'm in a bit of a hurry so have just scanned this but don't feel pathetic for still feeling scared of your mum - it took me until I was mid 30s (and lots of counselling) for me not to be frightened of my dad!

I'd send a card one your LO is born if I were you. I think this is about what you're comfortable with - there's no 'should' about it.

I can't imagine your dad would be any less hurt if you tell him now or after the baby's born but if you wait till after the birth then you might feel more in control. I know how vulnerable it feels to be this pregnant.

You could start drafting him an email that goes along with the card explaining your thinking. It's not about him, it's about you.

Good luck

[margo1974]

I think you can tell your dad how you feel about your mum using the right words

say that you understand your mums views but you have set out on your own and now have a baby on the way....

sorry, i have hit a brick wall with what to say but try to set out your e-mail/card in a non blaming way. the pull of your mums beliefs is strong and it would take her a long time to get over the "mistakes" you have made (in her point of view, not mine)

good luck with your pregnancy and i hope that there is a chance of reconciliation with both you and your parents

[foxabout2pop]

Hi

I think you're ready to tell your Dad by the sounds of it, so, in a sense, need to get on and do it as its haunting you atm.

Your Mum sounds abusive, so I totally agree with you about laying down stipulations. At least if you tell them, then there's a chance your sister might pop over and see her neice/nephew.

You could:

send a card now
send a card after the birth with a pic of baby
or e-mail your Dad, and tell him you've got some big news for him

I think if you don't tell you Dad it would really hurt him as he obviously cares a lot for you.

It would be a bit strange for your Mum to suddenly insist on contact as she's more or less pushed you out of her life by her dissaproval of your marriage.

I really feel for you anyway - I thought my family were potty and disfunctional, but your Mum sounds even worsde than mine.

Thank heavens for mumsnet eh?

[big hugs]

[foxabout2pop]

After you've told your Dad, is there any chance of getting him to come and see the baby on his own - or am I being naive in thinking he's come without your Mum?

[colditz]

She would have any rights to see your baby if she hasn't spent a good deal of time with him anyway.

I would tell them now to get them used to the idea.

You're in a hard place and I hope it's resolved soon.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

This isnt going to fix your relationship with your mother. So, telling them, may well lead to more stress, and open another opportunity for your mother to hurt you.

Your Dad knows what's what too already, IMVHO.

I personally, wouldnt tell them before the birth, if at all. If your parents arent naturally interested and happy for you and how you are living your life (you are leading a normal adult life too it seems), then, this isnt going to change them. I think, you need to be prepared for the fact that unless your mother 'awakens' suddenly, then you arent likely to get any happy resolution.

[hunkermunker]

Depends how soon after you've had the baby you are going to tell them.

I would probably tell them now, simply because all the "stuff" can be dealt with before the baby's born.

Otherwise you will run the risk of spoiling the precious first days with your baby with all this - worrying your mum will just turn up to see him, that your dad will be angry with you for keeping it from him, etc.

It will be stressful whenever you tell them. I would say better stressful while pg than with a newborn, definitely. Then you can set some ground rules, if you need to.

Horrible situation all round though - I'm so sorry you have this worry at what should be a happy time.