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DH lost his job because of drink

(111 Posts)
lemonormelon Fri 09-Sep-16 13:59:24

DH didn't go to work today because he got drunk last night. Although he contacted them to make an excuse for his absence his employer has terminated his temporary contract. I'm unsurprised as it's his third absence in the six weeks he's been employed there.
I'm well aware that he has a problem with alcohol but last night he told me the extent of it. He admitted to drinking secretly every day recently, though never at work or before driving. I had no idea as he's always been a binge drinker and he hadn't appeared drunk.
He said he wants to get help to stop drinking. I told him I would be there for him and support him in his efforts to get control of his life again. However, I have previously warned him that if he lost his job because of his drinking then he would have to go.

What should I do now? Be supportive if he really wants to stop? Or stay true to my word and ask him to go? Either option could make his problem worse, but could also be what he needs to get better. I really don't know what is best for him and our family.
Any advice would be appreciated.

CalleighDoodle Fri 09-Sep-16 14:01:24

He said he wamts to get help. So he hasnt actually got help yet. Id atuck toyoy word and ask him to leave while he gets the help aNd gets back on track.

MatildaTheCat Fri 09-Sep-16 14:03:50

In your shoes I would absolutely make him go and sort himself out. If you don't hold good your threat then you have no boundaries and he will continue to drink. If he goes elsewhere ( not your problem, he made this situation) he will have to decide what he really wants: a life of drinking and all that goes with that or family life.

You can offer support and suggest AA but he can only do this for himself.

flowers for you because it's a very hard place to be.

Bogeyface Fri 09-Sep-16 14:17:51

You can do both. Asking him to leave and get help to prove that he means what he says would mean that you have kept to your word, but you can still support him. It doesnt have to mean the end of your marriage, but there needs to be a line drawn in the sand.

It could be that he is only saying this because of what you said, so you need to know that he really will quit before you consider living with him again. His reaction will tell you what is really going on, either he will agree to leave or he will kick off and tell you that if you make him leave then has no reason to stop drinking, in which case he never had any intention of stopping.

BarbarianMum Fri 09-Sep-16 14:24:58

Agree, you should do both. If you want him back, later on when things are better, then fine. In the meantime he needs space to work on himself, and you need space to work out what's best for you. flowers

Timeforabiscuit Fri 09-Sep-16 14:25:37

Before any conversations or ultimatums to your partner, take some time to think about yourself.

Its really, really important you dont try diving in and fixing stuff as it can just make things that much harder and a longer road for the other person to travel down.

If you call your local substance misuse service you can have a chat in confidence with them (about the effect it is having on you) and they may have a local carers group which can help too.

This is a problem your partner needs to sort out, ive learnt from bitter experience that raging, crying, pleading do not help or matter one bit, cool detachment and laying out really clearly what my expectations were and then following through is what worked.

Good luck.

Not exact same circs but same issue.
After a lot of broken promises, I am moving to a new home for me and DC in 2 weeks. DH and I love each other and are sad.
But I cannot hear the promises and then be disappointed any more. Or argue, think it through or try to fix with for or with him.
DH has said he will address the drinking and then we can decide whether or not we can address the issues that have stemmed from it.
Time will tell now. I am relieved that the conversations about drink and "our" problems are over.
Living apart I will be able to get my headspace back.
If he succeeds then maybe we can save the relationship but this separation has to happen.
Just my experience to see if any rings true.
I feel for you it is awful flowers

SusieQwhereareyou Fri 09-Sep-16 14:39:40

My ex DH lost his job due to drinking. In hindsight, I should have ended things then. We'd had issues with his drinking for many years, but this was when it crossed a line and had a significant impact on our lives. He was very remorseful and things improved for a time, but we ultimately split 3 years later.

In my experience, of my own ex, and having spoken to people in a similar situation, people with alcohol problems are very good at saying they need help and support and putting their partners in a position where you feel like it would be unreasonable, even cruel, to leave them when they need help. For us, this created a very unhealthy dynamic, and my ex also gaslighted me a lot, telling me he hadn't been drinking when he clearly had, and I suffered extreme anxiety as a result.

Obviously I have a very particular viewpoint because of my own experience, and I am not unsympathetic to people with alcohol problems, I just think it is very difficult to be in a relationship with one. THe suggestion that he leaves and seeks help and then you see where it goes is a good one - it will show if he is serious about addressing the problem.

lemon,

re your comment:-

"He said he wants to get help to stop drinking. I told him I would be there for him and support him in his efforts to get control of his life again. However, I have previously warned him that if he lost his job because of his drinking then he would have to go".

Are you going to follow through with this?. He is going to have to leave now, he has lost his job because of drink.

You are not the person to help him stop drinking; the only one who can help him is his own self.

You are playing roles in his alcoholism (enabler, provoker) and your recovery from that will only properly start when you and he are apart.

You can help your own self and one way of doing that is to contact Al-anon. They are very helpful to family members of problem drinkers.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

He does not want your support or help.

Trifleorbust Fri 09-Sep-16 19:52:39

sad

How serious do you think he is about getting help?

lemonormelon Fri 09-Sep-16 20:48:20

Thank you all for your replies and advice. Unfortunately I don't think he meant it as I haven't seen him since mid afternoon when he went to get his hair cut, I strongly suspect he's in the pub drowning his sorrows after losing his job. So I guess that's the decision made for me

Trifleorbust Fri 09-Sep-16 20:52:55

Sorry, OP flowers

FruitCider Fri 09-Sep-16 21:04:49

Unfortunately you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them (not) drink. Ultimatums do not work. Really the decision is, can you live with his drinking? Are you willing to be in a relationship with an alcoholic?

Because he needs to drink during the day he may need detoxing if he decides to stop drinking, and he could be waiting 4-6 months in some areas of the U.K. Are you prepared to support him during that time if he has to wait?

Answering these questions might guide you closer to making a decision. Try and be realistic instead of making ultimatums that always fail.

Wishing you all the best flowers

Wolfiefan Fri 09-Sep-16 21:06:38

I'm so sorry. I suspect he may only have said he wanted to get help to try and stop you issuing an ultimatum. He clearly has a serious problem. He needs to focus on getting sober.

HuckfromScandal Fri 09-Sep-16 21:10:53

Horrible situation
But his actions speak stronger than any words
Your actions need to do the same

If he sorts himself out - it may be salvageable.

TheBouquets Fri 09-Sep-16 21:36:48

Your OH does not have to live with you while treatment for his drinking is going on. Nor does he have to live with you in order for you to support him through totally changing his drinking habits.
Only once he is sober and maintains sobriety for a good few months could he even be straight enough for you to think about whether you maintain hope of the relationship working out.
Stay strong

legoqueen Fri 09-Sep-16 22:01:52

If he presents as sober but now admits to daily secret drinking, I'd be very suspicious when he says he never drink-drives. Such a difficult situation OP, try to detach & put yourself & your family first.

Timeforabiscuit Sat 10-Sep-16 10:19:04

Have you spoken to anyone in real life op?

lemonormelon Sat 10-Sep-16 11:50:40

No I haven't Timeforabiscuit, I'm not sure who I could talk to.

SusieQ and theansweris42 thank you for sharing your experiences, I'm sorry you've been through this too.

DH came home at some point during the night and is currently 'actually dying' (his words) in bed. I've told him I want him to go today but I don't think he believes me, and if he does I'm pretty sure he won't go.

I feel powerless to change anything. I can't make him stop, I can't help him if he doesn't want it and I can't even get him to go elsewhere while he figures out what he wants to do.

Meanwhile life goes on, DS is a normal, happy, energetic, demanding toddler who wants to play, the house needs cleaned, the dogs need walked, the shopping needs bought, etc. We have family visiting tomorrow for a long planned day out for which we have bought tickets too.
How exactly am I supposed to keep it all together and continue as normal with this shit storm going on in our lives?

OP so he's hungover? And not helping with DS and everything else?
You deserve better.
Can you meet the family at the day out so they don't actually come round, would that take some pressure off?
You'll hold it together as much as poss for DS and you can cry, rage etc when he's asleep etc. My 2 have seen me with red eyes, they know I've been sad, that's OK. I'll be happier soon.
I've held it together more when decision made, even though we're still here.
Mine wouldn't "go", I've gritted teeth and just made it clear that's what must happen.
If he won't go today can you give him a deadline?
I'm only a little bit further on, but I feel better than I did and you can tooflowers

Is there any friend you can talk to?
I felt ashamed. Especially as I left last abusive relationship (of 20 years) not so long before.
But they listened and it gave me resolve. There's not a lot people can say but it helped make it real for me and something that I had to act on.

Do you own or rent your home?

Lilaclily Sat 10-Sep-16 12:31:44

Could you call the family who are visiting tomorrow and explain the situation flowers

LIZS Sat 10-Sep-16 12:31:54

Who is visiting tomorrow? Is there anyone you can take into your confidence. Certainly don't cover for him.

CalleighDoodle Sat 10-Sep-16 12:45:41

Who is coming tomorrow? It could be that you twll them hbis an alcoholic and will not do anything about it, you want him to leave but he wont go. They might actually be relieved youve finally realised what theyve known for a long time but didnt feel they could say.

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