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STD- gutted

(77 Posts)
rainbows2015 Tue 09-Jun-15 16:02:11

Been with DP for a few months, everything is fantastic and we're starting to talk about moving in and our future together. Our relationship is great, we trust each other, we have our own hobbies that we enjoy separately and we do things together. We have a great group of mutual friends, basically I love him to bits and our relationship is everything I've always wanted. We have the odd stupid row like all couples but I genuinely haven't got a bad word about our relationship. Which is what makes this so bloody hard.

A few months before we met so around 18 months ago, he had a small mark on his penis. He'd assumed it was an ingrown hair but by the time he'd eventually got the courage to go to the clinic just in case it had gone, they told him they couldn't test for herpes unless he was showing symptoms. He was quite honest about this from the start so I have no reason to doubt him, all other tests had come back clear and nothing had ever come up since, until 2 weeks ago. He had a small rash and this time he went straight away, results have come back and it's herpes. I'm gutted. I'd had my period luckily and then we abstained so no chance I've got it, however I still have been to the clinic myself to check for anything else and my results are all clear.

He's totally gutted, he told me he understands if I no longer want to be with him. I don't know what to think. Would you leave? I want a future with him, but my sexual health is also important to me. I've been reading about it and even condoms don't always protect you. I'm totally stuck with what to do. Please be gentle, I'm gutted and I love the guy.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Tue 09-Jun-15 16:04:22

What would he want you to do if roles were reversed?

Marmitelover55 Tue 09-Jun-15 16:05:18

Surely this is similar to having s cold sore (but obviously a bit more embarrassing)? I wouldn't worry too much, just abstain when it is active which hopefully won't be that often. Sounds like a great guy smile

Molotov Tue 09-Jun-15 16:05:57

I'm sorry to read this, OP. Do you honestly think it's something you could work past, or does it bother you too much?

worldgonecrazy Tue 09-Jun-15 16:06:24

A large number of those with this virus are symptomless. You may already have the virus and not know it, and never, ever have an outbreak. There is some discussion over whether people are infectious when they are symptomless, I guess there isn't really any way of testing.

Look at it another way - would you leave him if he had coldsores? Or what about if he had glandular fever? If the answer is no, then herpes shouldn't really be any different. It's the same virus, just in a different area of the body.

Molotov Tue 09-Jun-15 16:07:08

If you stay with him, get all the advice you can so that you do not become infected. There must be ways of managing it.

sebsmummy1 Tue 09-Jun-15 16:07:24

Surely if you abstain during active periods you'll be ok?

Maki79 Tue 09-Jun-15 16:08:23

Sorry, might be being a bit thick but is Herpes not curable then??

Maki79 Tue 09-Jun-15 16:09:40

X posted loads there...ignore my question!

Molotov Tue 09-Jun-15 16:10:13

I don't think it's quite the same thing as a coldsore ... yes it's the same virus, but I wouldn't want to have to manage genital herpes.

But like I said, if the OP wants to stay in the relationship, there must be ways of limiting transmission.

CuttedUpPear Tue 09-Jun-15 16:11:14

Herpes is not cureable but van be managed somewhat with drugs.
Many of us have it. My friend who has it has been with her partner for 8 years without passing it on, without using condoms. They just abstain when the symptoms are present.

Golfhotelromeofoxtrot Tue 09-Jun-15 16:12:11

It's not as straightforward as cold sores or glandular fever- people who are saying that clearly haven't met anyone who suffers with herpes and endures the very painful flare ups. Plus, as a woman there are added risks when you are pregnant.

I would not continue this relationship if I were you.

Marmitelover55 Tue 09-Jun-15 16:12:26

My DH has cold sores and I have not caught those after 20 years together. Surely that could be the same for the genital variety too?

rainbows2015 Tue 09-Jun-15 16:13:02

Yes, I've been reading about it and it's only contagious if he's suffering with an outbreak but obviously there's still a risk. I think it's more the fact that they tell you there's no cure and you have it for life which scares me.
You're right about coldsores though, I wouldn't leave him if he had one on his mouth, I hadn't thought about it like that. You just hear the news and think "omg, it's an untreatable STD!"
Thanks Marmite, he isn't perfect but he's my perfect smile

sebsmummy1 Tue 09-Jun-15 16:14:06

I have had glandular fever and caught the coldsore virus off my father. I have had one outbreak in 3 years (and yes it was a corker!!). Perhaps the key here is how often your partner will be showing active blisters. If it's once every two or three years then I think it's manageable.

Marmitelover55 Tue 09-Jun-15 16:15:28

Well personally I wouldn't leave my Mr Perfect for this grin

sebsmummy1 Tue 09-Jun-15 16:16:24

I wrote that wrong. I have had many coldsore outbreaks over the years, but in the last three years I have only had one, so basically they are infrequent.

CuttedUpPear Tue 09-Jun-15 16:16:55

ffs golf what a sweeping statement!
It's not a ltb offence!

Hippymama1 Tue 09-Jun-15 16:18:17

I think it depends how serious you are about him... If you think that this could be 'it' then it seems a bit hasty to end it over what is essentially a skin condition.

On the other hand, if you think this might not be a long term relationship and you can see yourself in other relationships in the future then potentially having an STI that you need to disclose to new partners could make life in the future difficult.

Take some time to see how you feel... Herpes can be serious, particularly in pregnancy and can mean a c-section only if you have an active herpes infection when you are in labour. There is no guarantee that you would actually catch it though - outbreaks can be managed and your exposure to the virus prevented.

Golfhotelromeofoxtrot Tue 09-Jun-15 16:18:31

He's already had two outbreaks in as many months, though?

I really really wouldn't want to risk catching this.

However, it sounds like you are going to stay with him, so if I was you I would visit a STD clinic and get their best advice on protecting yourself so you don't catch it.

FreckledLeopard Tue 09-Jun-15 16:19:41

Genital herpes can be mild and recurrences can sometimes be years apart. I certainly wouldn't break up a relationship over it. He's been totally honest with you - surely he needs your support in the circumstances?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 09-Jun-15 16:20:04

I stayed with DH even knowing he had cold sores - haven't caught it yet off him, because he's really careful as soon as he gets that "tingle" and stays away from us (been together 12 years).

I don't know how the start of a genital herpes outbreak goes though - does it have a similar warning thing as oral herpes?

I think a lot more depends on his attitude to it than to him actually having it - so long as he's responsible, tells you when he's having an attack and stays well away from you when the virus is active, then stay with him. If he had a blasé attitude to it, that it didn't really matter etc., then I'd fuck him off rapidly. But sounds like he's a decent sort, so keep him smile

babymouse Tue 09-Jun-15 16:20:31

Lots of people have herpes including people who don't know they have it. Better to be with someone who disclosed and manages it than someone who hasn't disclosed/doesn't know.

Herpes is not as big a deal for most people (it can be for some). You may also be carrying the virus yourself and not know. Also it can take awhile before someone displays symptoms so figuring out when one has been infected can be difficult.

Get the facts. I don't think it is a reason to end a relationship over.

Golfhotelromeofoxtrot Tue 09-Jun-15 16:21:10

Cutted, I know someone who caught this from their ex and has had the most horrible pregnancy complications due to having a flare up and therefore having to have a c sec to avoid giving it to the baby. She's been worried sick. If you could avoid that, wouldn't you?

Just my opinion. OP has only been seeing him for two months, I would end it before stronger feelings develop.

QueenBean Tue 09-Jun-15 16:21:33

What a great guy to be so open and upfront about this, you must value his honesty very much

I think that it's something you can work past. As a pp said, many many people have it and never show symptoms - you may be one of those. I think 1 in 5 have it and many don't know.

Work past it, there are ways in which you can protect yourself.

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