Sexist or just banter? I need to suss out if my boundaries are wonky

[LibrarianLilly]

I really need opinions please! I have been seeing someone for two months. I'll start off with the positives...he is very funny, affectionate, passionate, full of personality and most of the time we absolutely click and get on fantastically. My concerns are around his view of women. He has made quite a lot of comments towards women which I feel are pretty derogatory but I will admit that I'm touchy about gender issues and he says I'm pushing a 'gender agenda' into the conversation unnecessarily all the time. I want to know if I'm being hyper-sensitive or if people think I should steer clear. I know it's really hard to judge but some examples are - we were talking about people having cosmetic surgery and he said 'mind you some women do age badly'. I argued that you could say that about men and he felt it was more obvious in women. He said he prefers to play a sport with men because 'women scream if they get hit with the ball'; he said women tend to get neurotic as they get older and men tend to get lazy. Last night he said he enjoyed his friend joking with me (friend was bit pissed) about women being wimps and that he thought it was great because I was too polite to take issue with the friend (friend was just being jokey and I didn't take offense).

I told him last night that I think he can be quite sexist and he said I'm being ridiculous and that he's like that about all people - that it's not just a gender-based thing. He has got a piss-take sense of humour and of course it doesn't sound like it here, but he's very intelligent and does make observations about people a lot so it's not like he's only commenting about women. He does have quite a few female friends and gets on really well with women. I think I've made him sound worse than he is here - in all other ways we get on great and genuinely 'click' and it could be that these are my insecurities but I'm very interested to know if people feel like I need to lighten up or if this is a red flag.

[ImperialBlether]

But he's not "very intelligent" if he generalises to that extent, is he?

[PeppermintCrayon]

He sounds like an arse, frankly.

[Thisishowyoudisappear]

He's not very intelligent. He sounds tiring and annoying.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

His "gender agenda" would bother me, is it his go to answer?

[AnyFucker]

he sounds a bit boring to me

lazy stereotypes never made for scintillating conversation in my book

[UmiSays]

Any guy that uses phrases like 'gender agenda' sounds a bit of a dick.

[Offred]

So he makes sexist comments (jokey or not) and then you are 'pushing a gender agenda' when you say you feel uncomfortable with it?

I don't think you need to know whether he is really sexist or not because he is clearly a headfuck.

You don't need a man like this in your life I think.

[Flissity83]

That would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid. I couldn't be with someone who potentially thought stuff like that about me.

[Offred]

I think he probably is though... Sexist... Why else would he make those comments and dismiss your discomfort with it/celebrate his pissed friend being a dick to you?

[Mide7]

It is difficult to judge here but if it bothers you then that's all that matters. Either ask him to stop or end it.

[gatlinout]

He sounds like hard work, I couldn't be arsed with any of it.

[ImperialBlether]

He's shown you within two months that he's sexist. He's going to be like Alf Garnett in a few years' time!

[Offred]

And as an aside I hate hate hate sexist comments/joking being dismissed as 'banter' I hate the whole idea of banter actually which usually means forcing sexism onto other people and dismissing objections by saying 'lighten up it's not serious'... Urgh... Maddening...

[IggyStrop]

He is using the "gender agenda" statement to discourage you from challenging him on his sexist comments.

I couldn't be with someone who so plainly thought I was not his equal.

[FairPhyllis]

There's nothing wrong with your boundaries. He's sexist. When he says that men get lazy as they get old, he's telling you how he's going to be. you'll have to put up with it or you'll be called neurotic.

He sounds fucking tedious.

[AnyFucker]

does he say stuff like "actually I am a Feminist" (translated: I think women have every right to be belittled and objectified by me)

[Koalafications]

I'm bored of him just from reading your OP.

Women scream if they get hit with the ball What utter shite.

[MyRightFoot]

i just think he needs to grow up a bit. i also think he enjoys winding you up and you quickly bite back. some women love banter and would enjoy coming back at him with a retort about men. as you dont seem to enjoy doing that, maybe you two arent compatible enough for a ltr?

[AnyFucker]

I wouldn't be watching him "grow up" on my time

[LibrarianLilly]

Thank you so much for comments. Aargh - I kind of wanted people to say I was being touchy. We get on so well and I was hoping it was just teething problems. You're right, though Imperial - he is making ignorant generalisations. I have just remembered that he watched a series on the Suffragettes and found it really interesting. He really does seem to want to understand why I'm offended by his comments and seemed genuinely surprised/offended when I said he was sexist, asking me to give him examples. I feel like I'm back-tracking now...I'm really not - I appreciate everyone's views - just trying to give balance.

[Offred]

So not only does he make sexist comments but he doesn't understand that they are sexist? What a prize!

[MyRightFoot]

librarian are you absolutely sure he means these generalisations or is it very lazy purile humour? does his wit
go any further than that?

john lennon was a misoginist until he met feminist yoko ono who opened his eyes to his behaviour. maybe your bf could learn from you in the same way.

[Skiptonlass]

Gender agenda? For the love of God, does he use 'feminazis' as well?

As I've said I think three times this week, 'banter' is that code for 'I am saying/doing something incredibly twattish but if you pull me up on it, I'm going to sulk and call you a humourless shrew.'

He clearly needs his eyes opening, he sounds like an immature twit. The question is, can you be arsed schooling him? Not sure I could, but if you think a short sharp course in feminism 101 might help then go for it.

My goodness I'm getting cynical in my old age :)

[AnyFucker]

jesus H christ

this is a grown man, not a 3yo

it's not op's responsibility to show him how decent people act

and John Lennon remained a twat until the end of his life

[Koalafications]

I have just remembered that he watched a series on the Suffragettes and found it really interesting

Oh bless! I'm sure he did.