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Left home with baby DD

(66 Posts)
SuperLoveFuzz Fri 06-Jun-14 09:46:11

I've had to get the police involved last night and leave at 1am with my 6 month old DD. Things have been quite bad with my partner for weeks/months. I've been making excuses as we've had a huge amount to deal with. Over the last few weeks I've started to realise just how controlling and abusive his behaviour has become. He has hit me a few times but always had a way of twisting it so I felt it was my fault. Last night he tore the house apart looking for a bag of weed I'd hidden from him. His weed habit it out of control. He also stole my phone and bank card and refused to let me take DD. He physically overpowered me when I tried to take my phone and was very threatening. He deleted all my photos of DD since she was born. He was playing heavy metal music and dragging me out of bed so I couldn't sleep and therefore neither could DD. I eventually had to call the police as he was out of control. I had to go to a neighbour with DD to do this. Police have brought me to my mum's. I have 3 carrier bags of DD's stuff and nothing of my own. I had been in touch with women's aid over the ladt few weeks. They were helpful but I still couldn't find the strength to leave. I just kept hoping if I did things right everything would be ok. There's a lot more to the story but I'm in pieces. My whole life has changed literally overnight. I've had to leave my home and I'm suddenly a single mum back living with my mum. I do know this will be for the best in the long run but I can't face it. Please help me sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 06-Jun-14 09:50:56

First of all, well done for having the courage to call the police and protect your DD and yourself. That took enormous guts and I know you had chances to get away sooner but that's not important now. You did it. You're out and you're safe. I'm glad you have a supportive Mum and somewhere to stay. Take a little time to get yourself calm and thinking straight. Eat well, get some rest and be with people that love you. It'll give you the strength to make the break mentally as well as physically.

Are the police going to prosecute him for attacking you? Will you be able to return home at some stage? Yes, your life has changed overnight but it's going to be so much better. Well done and good luck

FatalCabbage Fri 06-Jun-14 09:51:41

Well done - a brilliant and brave start. You've done the best for your DD before she is old enough to follow the pattern.

I'm so glad WA and the police are involved, and your mum. Use their help, anything they can offer you, to stay away from that poisonous man.

brew .cake flowers

SuperLoveFuzz Fri 06-Jun-14 09:59:51

I feel so weak and just want this to be over so I can back home to him. How pathetic is that? The police only said they wanted to speak to him, they did take the domestic violence very seriously though. I'm sad that it's ended on these terms. I want us to at least be civil for the sake of DD. I don't want to go back home, it's in a rural area for my partner's work. I now also have the stress of rent due in a few days for somewhere I'm not living. I still love him and I know if I see him I'm going to struggle not to be sucked back in. I'm glad DD doesn't know what's going on.

MissFruits Fri 06-Jun-14 10:02:30

You have completely done the right thing. Well done for calling the police and trying to get help, I know how hard it is.
I ended up at my mothers house with my son and just a bag of clothes after having to escape an awful relationship. Once you get over the shock and start regaining control over your life it gets easier and happier! It is a million times better being a single mum then being in an awful relationship. I have made a great life for my DS and myself now and look back and think thank god I escaped.
Make sure you look after yourself and get as much help and support you can. It will get better now, with a little time now you have escaped

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 06-Jun-14 10:16:07

Forget the rent for a start. He should so ashamed of his behaviour that he never darkens your doorstep, let alone expect you to pay rent.

A word on 'love'... What you feel for your baby is love. What you feel for him is a fear-based dependency wrapped up in some romantic idea of a perfect family life that was never going to happen. You were scared of the alternatives and scared of him. Your DD would have grown up equally scared of him. The longer you're away from him, the more you'll start to appreciate just how far from love his actions were and one day you'll wake up and wonder what you ever saw in him. In the meantime, keep a strict 'no contact'. Your baby is far too young to know if Dad is around or not and you don't want her exposed to a violent druggie.

Stay strong and take all the help you can get.

Fontella Fri 06-Jun-14 10:19:33

You say you still love him, but honestly what is there to love?

He is a drug addict, he hits you, he drags you out of bed, plays loud music to deprive you and your baby of sleep, he smashes up the house searching for his drugs, he physically overpowers you, he deletes all the photos you have of your baby daughter, threatens you, intimidates you and in your own words he's 'out of control'.

If you still love him after all that ... then for your daughter's sake if not for your own, stay as far away from him as possible. If you seriously don't think you have the willpower to resist him and not get 'sucked back in' then don't see him and don't speak to hi under any circumstances. What you are describing is not love. It's a violent, dangerous, drug addled relationship that no child should be exposed to.

Chances are he's going to come begging and grovelling and promising he'll change and never to do it again - the usual old bullshit - and you need to ensure you don't fall for it, or all this will have been in vain.

You've done the right thing OP and as time passes you will come to see that. But you have to stay strong in the meantime, for your little girl and indeed for you.

Take care and good luck.

SuperLoveFuzz Fri 06-Jun-14 11:28:36

MissFruits - sorry you've have to go through a similar situation. Thanks for your reply, it reassures me that things will get better.

Cogito - you're totally right. I feel reliant and dependent on him because he's made me feel that way. I tried so hard to make our family life a happy one and it's hard to let go. I know it is best for me and especially DD.

Fontella - thanks for he advice, I will try my best to stay away from him and have no contact. It's going to be so strange and hard but I will stay strong.

I'm trying to focus on the positive changes that are to come. I'll no longer have to worry about all money going towards weed. I can have a lunch/dinner/night out with friends without being made to feel guilty. Lots of other things too.

I am trying not to stress about money etc, at least for the next few days.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 06-Jun-14 11:46:33

Do enrol others to help you stay strong, especially in the early days. Tell them that you need to stay out of contact and tell them that they should intervene if they see you wavering. Delete his number or let them keep hold of your phone for you. Ask them to keep you occupied and not let you be on your own. It takes some time for the hooks of an abusive relationship to release their grip and there will be a lot of days when you feel lonely or upset and you'll be tempted to send a text or whatever. The longer you can hold out, the easier it'll be to get shot.

BuzzardBird Fri 06-Jun-14 11:54:36

Sometimes you have to just do the right thing for your children. You have. Be proud of your decision. It is the best thing for your beautiful daughter to not grow up with an abusive, druggy father who would take food out of her mouth to buy drugs.

When you feel a moment of weakness remember that you wouldn't want to show your daughter this man as an example of someone to end up being with herself.

You did the right thing.

You did the right thing.

You did the right thing.

thanks

Butterflyspring Fri 06-Jun-14 11:56:06

I did an escape like you with babe in arms - and I went back as he made many promises and my mother said I needed to stand by him, be a good wife, etc.... He didn't keep them. He ended up continuing the abuse and then finally unfaithful and luckily years later he vanished. But I wasted flipping years with him - treading on eggshells and living in fear. Became a shadow of myself as I hardly dared breathe. Please, please don't go back. Your daughter needs protecting from him and you need to show her a model for what a good relationship looks like.

Ask Women's Aid about the Freedom Programme - you can even do it online, but in person is better. And get your benefits claimed as a single mother, tell your old landlord you are no longer at the home, or responsible for a penny, and get your child maintenance claim done too. Get your mail redirected and any joint bank accounts make sure your money is out of them and safe and away from him.

And you are right, all the money will be yours. It scared me how much must have been wasted on drink I didn't know about - you will be fine, and your daughter will thank you for it every day.

(also as an aside, you can set your phone to backup your pics automatically - either to a private facebook album or to somewhere like Gmail storage - then you will always have them safe).

SuperLoveFuzz Fri 06-Jun-14 16:24:39

The police came to my mum's earlier today to bring my phone and bank card over.

He's been arrested for assault and domestic breach of the peace and will be there until he has court on Monday. I feel so guilty that he's spending all weekend in a cell. I know it's his own doing but I can't help feeling bad.

I can't stop crying. I have to pull myself together for DD but this is just so hard sad

SuperLoveFuzz Fri 06-Jun-14 16:25:00

Happy to discover he was lying about deleting the photos though.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 06-Jun-14 16:31:53

You've had an extremely traumatic experience and you said earlier that things have been bad for weeks and months. For a lot of that time you've been trying to run on adrenaline, holding it together, putting up with the abuse, coping with violence and caring for a small baby at the same time. You're bound to be utterly exhausted physically and emotionally. If you're in tears a lot of the time that's because you can finally allow yourself to relax and there's a delayed shock effect. Survivors of horrible accidents often react exactly the same way.

Have you seen your GP? Are you sleeping much? Eating OK?

SuperLoveFuzz Fri 06-Jun-14 17:26:24

I saw my GP last week because I've been having chest pains and thought it was my heart. She has said it's due to stress which makes sense.

DD isn't quite sleeping through the night and understandably was unsettled last night so I haven't had great sleep.

I've been comfort eating a lot, especially today.

BarbarianMum Fri 06-Jun-14 18:15:29

Stay strong.

If your dd was in a relationship with a man like this, what would you want her to do?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 06-Jun-14 18:25:01

Glad you've seen your GP. Chest pains, panic attacks, tearfulness, misplaced feelings of guilt ... I think it's a stress response common to a lot of survivors of trauma. Hope you and DD have a relaxing weekend and some sunshine.

The fact is he doesn't love you. He's probably not capable of it. I think you've realised there's nothing ypu can do to change that. You tried- he let you down. You deserve so much better than this...and if you stay single now one day you'll find someone who's worthy of you x

SuperLoveFuzz Fri 06-Jun-14 19:01:59

BarbarianMum - that's what I've been trying to tell myself when things have got really bad. I said it to him a lot too, trying to get him to realise how he was treating me.

Cogito - thanks so much for all your kind words today.

Tall - I've had to accept I can only control my own behaviour. I've given him as many chances as I could.

I hope he is able to realise that he caused this and be a better man for our DD.

Universal Fri 06-Jun-14 19:09:07

You've taken your child from a place of danger and made her safe. That makes you a hero.

Do not take responsibility for his behaviour and the consequences. He put himself in that cell.

If he is behaving like this now imagine what he would be like in future years when your daughter grows up and the teenage years. Living in a house with a man like that she will grow up terrified and totally mess up any perception she has of a normal relationship.... Which will affect her kids in turn. Continue to be brave. Stop this cycle now.

Good luck and keep posting.

HattyMonkey Fri 06-Jun-14 19:24:31

You have done the right thing. You have taken your dd from a dangerous situation. Imagine if the next time he hit you he knocked you out and he was too stoned to look after her. He doesn't love you if he did he would never have hit you.
In the meantime while he is not at your old house can your parents go and collect all your things and any important paper work?

Well done, stay strong and I agree with whoever said you are a HERO.

SuperLoveFuzz Fri 06-Jun-14 19:30:57

I went to the flat today with my brother to get some clothes for me and DD and my passport etc.

I'm exhausted, I just feel like I don't have the energy to deal with anything I need to do.

My mum and stepdad are mainly caring for DD which is great but I feel like a failure that I can't just get on with it for her sake.

I'm looking back on the relationship and trying hard to remember it as it really was. Every single day I would think 'maybe tomorrow' and it would be the same old shit again. I'm grieving for a relationship I was trying to create and that I hoped for, rather than for the actual reality I've left behind.

Even now I'm hoping that he will step up and we can get back together. I hope this will pass in time.

Thanks all

HattyMonkey Fri 06-Jun-14 19:37:48

You are far from a faliure, a faliure wouldn't have had the courage to take her dd to a place of safety.
Let your Mum and Step Dad look after you and dd. I bet they are so relived to have you both there and safe. You are trying to overcome, I presume at least a few years of controlling behaviour, you can be totally forgiven for not knowing which way is up at the moment. You are also used to walking on eggshells and adjusting your behaviour to fit in with your exes ideas of acceptable.
Take time and stay strong. Keep posting as there are some bloody amazing posters on here who have sadly been where you are and will help you so much.

Universal Fri 06-Jun-14 20:27:53

Everyone else on here has more practical advice than I do but I just wanted to say well done and keep going. Take the time to grieve for this relationship, and the one that you wanted to create with this man.
The next few weeks are about taking care of yourself and staying true to your feelings. You sound like a lovely mum who wants the best for her daughter. Lean on your mum - that's what they are there for!!

Butterflyspring Fri 06-Jun-14 20:43:48

You need time to grieve - not only for the relationship you hoped you had, but for the future you thought you would have also. But as time goes on you will see it, and him, for what they really are. Yes, I am sure there are some times when he is nice to you, but that is offset by this behaviour which is scary and dangerous - and no way for you to live. This is early days now so just look after yourself and lean on family and friends.

If he is in a cell until Mon the police obviously think he is a danger and he needs to be kept locked up. That must show you something?

I would also say, even if he promised never to do this again, you will never know that will you. The trust and feeling of safety has gone. Once you have been threatened with a young baby there really is no going back from that - as much as you hope it would be different, it really can't be any more.

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