Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is he not that into me? Or am I paranoid?

(78 Posts)
MelissaMorning Sun 25-May-14 14:15:27

My new man has me feeling like a schoolgirl and I wanted some advice on how to play this. I don't want to mess this up and I am not very practised at dating having been in LTRs for my entire life really apart from the past year.

I'm 34, he's 38. We "met" online dating about a month ago. He lives two hours from me but I loved his profile so sent him a message anyway.

He was keen from the outset, he says from the first time we talked he cancelled his other dates and stopped chatting to other girls. After messaging for 24 hours we swapped numbers and started to phone / text and video chat. Usually for hours every day. Just easy chemistry and found each other very attractive.

Then Wednesday he decided to come up to visit for a few days, which was quite a feat for him because he had an arm in plaster and couldn't drive so it was a fair schlep for him and a four hour trip as I live quite rurally and nowhere near a direct public transport route.

He came anyway, and got a hotel nearby but never ended up staying there. It was just instant chemistry when we met. The first kiss was one of those kisses that makes you completely dizzy. He took me to lunches, dinners, romantic walks. We watched videos and he held my hand. The perfect three days!

He also came to a work even with me on Saturday morning instead of leaving and met a couple of my friends which I thought was very sweet. When he came he'd got me a silly, sentimental but really thoughtful gift too. The sex was great, the chatting was easy and we were laughing the whole time.

However, he left yesterday morning and I have hardly heard from him since and I felt a bit rejected. I did get a text on the train down to say he was a bit sad to have to leave and he needed to get his arm better so he could drive, then after that nothing.

I know he was out Saturday night with friends he had not seen in a while, and he did post to my FB page (liked all my photos, made comments etc.) and then sent a drunk message late at night saying he was sorry but he was drunk with lots of kisses.

I am not sure if I am being completely paranoid, but while things look very positive in some aspects, I was also disappointed that he did not call or text me more than he did last night and also that he's not set up anything firm to see me again.

I was wondering if seeing me in the flesh was a disappointment for him.

Am I paranoid?

Please don't tell me to ask him, because I think he is a slow mover and any questions like that he'd find offputting.

Not felt like this since I was about 17 and am not sure how to handle it at all!

Casmama Sun 25-May-14 14:20:01

I think you are completely overreacting. He left little over 24hrs ago and had a night out last night but has posted on your Facebook page and sent a text with lots of kisses- how much contact do you expect after spending 3 days with him?

Just relax, I'm sure he'll call tonight.

CaptainSinker Sun 25-May-14 14:20:55

He had texted twice and made nice comments on facebook once. I don't see anything to worry about. He only left yesterday! Give him a chance to is you. Next time you are chatting talk arrangements for the next meeting.

Spinaroo Sun 25-May-14 14:21:50

Yep. He's just sleeping off last night.

MelissaMorning Sun 25-May-14 14:23:25

Okay, thank you.

It's just that sinking feeling when you talk every night and the one time you don't is the day he leaves ad you start to Bridget Jones a bit and wonder if him seeing your stretch marks in their full glory has sent him running for the hills!

I'm not really used to liking someone this much and don't want to make an idiot of myself.

Casmama Sun 25-May-14 14:26:52

That's understandable but everything he has said and done indicates that he likes you so it might be worth thinking about why you were so quick to jump to the conclusion there is a problem?

MelissaMorning Sun 25-May-14 14:29:43

My previous partner was much more full on I suppose. Love letters, long gushings, proposal within 3 weeks. Maybe I am expecting that.

Then again, 5 years down that road he shagged a prostitute when I was at a conference, so maybe basing it off him is not the best idea.

Perhaps I just feel a bit insecure. He is so lovely, I just feel unsure why he'd pick me out of everyone.

CaptainSinker Sun 25-May-14 14:46:41

Your new man sounds more balanced and sincere. Over the top early declarations of love etc aren't real. Enjoy gradually getting to know each other and keeping afoot in your own life too!

Hedgesinthewind Sun 25-May-14 15:03:03

that's a lot of attention!Just do something else to take your mind off waiting for his call

good luck

Adayinthelifeof Sun 25-May-14 15:11:50

It's sounds like he's well into you. Crack on a set up another meet!

BuzzardBird Sun 25-May-14 15:15:04

Hmm, yes, I would say your previous partner was a serial romancer. Avoid anyone that is declaring love within days and proposing within 3 weeks. I think you need to get yourself busy doing something because if you start bombarding him with texts or whatever he will run a mile.
Enjoy the excited feeling but don't let it make you go over the top.

MelissaMorning Sun 25-May-14 15:15:23

Thanks....I'm not a completely sad loser. Usually!

He did just text that he's out for a birthday lunch (it was his birthday Wednesday when he came here) with his family so I probably am being really stupid here.

Maybe it's just because I really like him. Not used to that either.

MelissaMorning Sun 25-May-14 15:17:12

Don't worry, I didn't text him, I am an expert at playing it cool despite what's going on internally! No stalker behavior, I promise.

MooncupGoddess Sun 25-May-14 15:19:43

I think it's normal to back off and take one's bearings a little after an intense first visit. Give him a couple of days and if he's worth anything he'll be back in touch.

BuzzardBird Sun 25-May-14 15:21:08

Oh good smile That is quite a lot of contact from him really isn't it?

You are going to have such a lovely time with him I think. smile

Roussette Sun 25-May-14 15:23:42

And isn't it the case that you had a brilliant 3 days that was a bubble of wonderfulness and now it's a bit back to reality for both of you? That doesn't mean he isn't keen to carry on, but it's back to the norm, back to your own lives and taking stock of the situation etc. Not explaining myself well but I know what I mean!!

MelissaMorning Sun 25-May-14 16:11:53

I hope so!

JaceyBee Sun 25-May-14 16:25:10

Hmm well I don't want to sound pessimistic but this is pretty typical online dating behaviour from what I have observed. Lots of texting, really full on and intense quickly, then you meet and it's great and then they go silent. I think some people just love the build up/chase and are kind of in love with the idea of it all but without any real depth of feeling after the initial heady rush.

I hope I'm wrong and it works out for you but I would back right off and prepare myself for a trailing off and then silence, possibly popping back up again a a few weeks/months which seems to be another common pattern.

Honestly though, it won't be anything you've done or anything about your stretch marks! Some people are just like this!

Goodguy11 Sun 25-May-14 17:21:33

Has he had his cake and eaten it hope for your sake he comes back

scottishmummy Sun 25-May-14 17:26:15

Back off a bit,it all reads v giddy intense
Stop mooning about and bigging it up,just let it evolve.have fun without the whats it all mean
Date,have sex,see how it goes.stop all the over analytical angst

Viviennemary Sun 25-May-14 17:28:40

It's far too soon to know if this is going to be a long term thing. And absolutely do not under any circumstances ask him! I don't think there are any indications that say he isn't keen. He does sound keen. Still I don't have experience of online dating but I'm told it's how everyone meets these days. Hope it works out for you.

kirsten123 Sun 25-May-14 17:57:19

I am an expert at playing it cool - OP

Really?!

MelissaMorning Sun 25-May-14 18:32:56

An expert at pretending to play it cool. I won't let him know I'm angsty about it.

I hope it's not one of those online dating things where they go quiet after the meet up confused. I'll prepare for it though.

I am used to people being much more verbal about how they feel and he doesn't do that. I find him quite hard to read. He doesn't really say much bar the odd comment and a lot of the way he talks to me is gentle teasing. He says he does that with people he likes the most.

I am trying to base my thoughts on his actions instead of words, and I know he showed my pictures to his Mum and sisters and some of his friends. He came to spend his birthday here with me and travelled a long way when he had plenty of options more locally. He added some of my friends that he met on Saturday as friends on FB and that he made a real effort with them when he met them. He invited me to his best friends 40th in a few weeks. I have an appointment for work about an hour from where he lives next week and he asked me if I have time to go and meet him for lunch that day. He also came back into the house when he was leaving because he'd forgotten his birthday card from me and he said he wanted to keep it with him.

I know those are all good signs, but I suppose I was expecting verbal statements to let me know his feedback / thoughts about how things went. Like just some sort of affirmation that he liked me as much in person as he'd thought he would. I am worrying of course that he didn't.

He has texted a fair bit throughout the day now but the texts seem cooler than they were before and that's not my imagination. I suppose there's no point examining that. Either he's going to want to continue this or it will fizzle out.

I also know his work schedule is up in the air at the moment due to the arm being in a cast (he travels for his job) meaning he doesn't know when he will be safe to be back at work so maybe he just can't make plans firmly yet.

Fingers crossed.

scottishmummy Sun 25-May-14 18:38:41

Look,calm the fuck down.stop readin signs and umm ahh what's it all mean
You're dating.thats all.dating.bit sex,bit dinner.and see how it goes
You can't keep up this giddy pace.just play it as it comes.dont over complicate it

flisscat Sun 25-May-14 18:46:12

It does sound a bit full on so soon. And typical of online dating pattern from the little I read on here. I really don't get why you're angsty about it.

'Tis early days. You only met a month ago? Relax and don't take it all so seriously

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now